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Relationships

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Original poster

My friend and my wife

66 replies

Hunt2 · 30/09/2024 09:33

hello,
was after a bit of advice, am I over thinking things or is this something to worry about.
i know a couple I’ve been friends with for many years..the guy is a bit of a ladies man and when I met my partner he was keen to meet her, anyhow after a few months we all met up and he immediately treated her like a long lost mate. Any did so every time we met up. Fast forward to a few months back. I proposed to my partner last year and invited them to the wedding this year. The couple decided to take us away for a couple of days as a wedding present. We went to a karaoke bar and he asked her to sing with him, which she did his arm round her but her arm not round him. On way back they walked back in front of me and his wide arm in arm. Which I thought was very strange as this was only a couple of weeks before our wedding. Then the day before wedding a large group met up for a drink and he said to my wife to be twice ‘ marry me instead’ my wife to me told me this and laughed it off. We had an entertainer at wedding and he asked my wife to pick someone to help the guy and she picked my friend out of a room of 60. I didn’t see anything at wedding.
while away for a few days after the wedding we were having a few drinks and she just randomly came out with ‘ I don’t fancy him he knows I’m married’ something along them lines. And she mentions him at least once a day in general conversation. we are going away with them on a cruise for a week and I’m scared on what might happen..am I just overthinking this? Thank you x

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 30/09/2024 09:36

Your friend sends to fancy your wife. Does his partner have any reaction to his behaviour?

Original poster

Hunt2 · 30/09/2024 09:46

Not to my knowledge no.

OP posts:

TipsyJoker · 30/09/2024 09:57

He’s not your friend. He’s acting completely inappropriately with your wife and she is enjoying the attention. Time to cut him out of your lives.

AimieDaisy · 30/09/2024 10:29

Yep. He’s not a friend.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 30/09/2024 10:45

Agree with the others, he's not your friend. Cancel the holiday and cut him off.

Lurkingandlearning · 30/09/2024 12:28

That is likely to be a miserable holiday for you. Cancel it. If you lose some money see it as the price of your happiness and possibly your marriage. Then cut him out. He has no respect for you or your wife as it seems he thinks she is fair game.

I just hope your wife will be unbothered by not seeing him again. She shouldn’t care as although she’s got to know him, he’s is your friend so it’s your choice to drop him.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 30/09/2024 13:19

If it's making you uncomfortable and questioning it to the point you've posted on mn you need to have a conversion your dw. I'd also cancel the holiday and start to distance yourself.

Not saying this is the case, but exactly the same thing happened to a friend of mine, turns out her dh was having an affair with this person. She even came to their wedding with a date! Don't think just because you know them both and spend time with them, that this might not happen:

Keeks08 · 03/10/2024 00:26

I don’t think anything is going on but if his behaviour is putting you on edge you need to have a word. You are new into your marriage so may be a little insecure still, but as time goes by and the trust builds these instances will be water off a ducks back. Your ‘friend’ may feel close enough to you that he can be cheeky and push boundaries but you need to tell him he’s crossing a line. It ultimately comes down to what you are willing to put up with and if he can’t change then time to distance yourself

Noglitterallowed · 03/10/2024 00:31

Could it just be banter? We have a very close group of mates that we joke with, there are pics that could be taken either way. They are coming for food in a few weeks and we’ve text oh don’t forget your car keys to swap. It’s all been taken in jest. Just depends on the relationship really I guess?

Mmhmmn · 03/10/2024 00:40

Sounds like your friend has some issues, probably to do with wanting what other people have and discarding them when he wins his target (you say he’s a ladies man?)
If that is his shtick, your wife will be just as much a target as anyone else so shouldn’t feel flattered by him. Make sure she knows his history and MO (not in a dickish way though that would just piss her off!)

PeachCrab · 03/10/2024 00:45

Why are you going on holiday with them again? I would probably put distance between me and a 'friend' who was being weird with my wife.

Ivegotaboneinmyleg · 03/10/2024 01:11

Is your wife aware of how this behaviour makes you feel? Randomly coming up with "I don't fancy him..." is a bit strange unless it's said in response to something said or maybe implied through body language? I don't think that there's anything "going on" apart from inappropriate flirting but, if your wife doesn't know how it makes you feel, she needs to be told and she needs to make it stop. All the best.

BobbyBiscuits · 03/10/2024 01:18

Why are you friends with someone who openly flirts with your wife? It's unbelievably disrespectful to both you and her.
Tell him so and then block him. You say his own wife in unconcerned but I doubt that's true. Regardless of if she is or not, it's bang out of order. And your wife shouldn't have to fend off his unwanted advances while you seemingly look on and do not much.

tolerable · 03/10/2024 01:36

Ok
How is this presenting in your daily life?
Seems. . you've joined dots,made the picture,married n booked a jolly.?
Is your wife aware of your view?
Is his?
Am not gony apologise, I need you(all) to know/remember... perception is key .this sounds pretty fuckt up

tattygrl · 03/10/2024 01:52

I'd be uncomfortable with the mentionitis I think.

Can you have a candid conversation with your wife about it? Just laying your feelings out, without any aggro or assumptions, but just saying how you feel?

Foxlovesfruit · 03/10/2024 01:57

Hunt2 · 30/09/2024 09:33

He's no friend. I really wouldn't go on this cruise with them. He sounds like a snake. Cancel the cruise and plan a holiday for just you and your wife.

Abi86 · 03/10/2024 02:13

Mate. I gotta ask, who allows some bloke to treat and speak to their wives like that. It’s disrespectful to her… and to you. You know what you need to do.

ImustLearn2Cook · 03/10/2024 04:23

How does your wife feel about his behaviour. Is it making her feel uneasy? Communication is key in a good marriage. Have an honest conversation with your wife.

Her out of the blue comment could be because she’s uncomfortable with his behaviour but is trying to see it as innocent by giving him the benefit of the doubt.

user5883920 · 03/10/2024 06:19

He isnt your friend. I suspect he enjoys the thrill of flirting with her under your nose and it gives him a rush of excitement. People like this thrive on the excitement of what they cant have. I guarantee if he and your wife were a couple, he'd get bored and would be doing it to some other woman instead.

I really wonder why you remain friends with someone who behaves so poorly and treats you so badly?

It also sounds like your wife is enjoying the flattery and attention. You need to stop feeling scared about this and start feeling angry. Cut him off. You dont need "friends" in your life like this- take action and get rid of him. Talk to your wife and tell her how you feel. This really isnt ok and if it were the other way around I doubt your wife would find it so amusing.

Imfreetofeelgood · 03/10/2024 06:34

Mentionitis suggests she at least is enjoying the attention. She is not respwcting your feelings, and he is not your friend. I'd be sharing your feelings with your wife, and distancing yourself from this man. If necessary let him know he is being disrespectful.

Pat888 · 03/10/2024 06:42

A cruise sounds a bad idea - imagine they want to go to the show/have a late evening stroll etc etc but you and the wife don’t. Or your wife wants an early night then he suddenly he has a headache and needs to retire early - ……. No not worth the worry

Sceptical123 · 03/10/2024 06:45

I think it’s interesting you said he really wanted to meet your wife. Was this after he’d seen pictures of her? In which case he was already physically attracted, or has he always wanted to meet your gfs then behaved in a similar way and rubbed your nose in it? In which case I’d say he has an issue with you. This could be jealousy, insecurity, or as someone mentioned - getting a thrill from disrespecting you by humiliating and emasculating you bc he thinks he can get away with it - which is horrible to someone he doesn’t know, but to a friend is just sick.

DEFINITELY cancel the holiday.

If your wife gets upset tell her you can rebook just then to of you - why is she so bothered about going with your friend and his wife? They’re your friends. Does she have any kind of a relationship with his wife, are they friends who see one another regularly just the two of them? If not it must be the husband she is upset not to spend time with, or why would she be the least bothered? Unless she doesn’t like the idea of going on a cruise with just her own husband for company - which is an issue in itself.

Cut ties with the snake or phase him out - but engineer it so it is just you and he meeting and if he raises any issues of not seeing your wife then remind him he is your friend and you assumed he’d be happy with your company.

It’s easier said than done if you are not confrontational but could you have it out with him - tell him it’s weird how he’s always acted around your wife and tell him she told you he told her not to marry you TWICE right before your wedding! That in itself would be enough to end a friendship in most people’s book. How would he react if some bloke who claimed to be a friend acted this way with his wife? He’s lying if he tells you he’d be ok with it and I bet he uses the classic “it’s just a bit of banter”.

Protect yourself and your marriage, OP and good luck with it.

MushMonster · 03/10/2024 07:02

You said it in your opening post: he is a ladies man. That is how you view him and that is why you do not want your wife close to him.
He likely flirts with most women because somehow he thinks he should. He may never act on it, and that is why his partner does not mind. Just his personaloty. Or he may indeed have further motives. You know this guy, he is giving you bad vibes. Just drop him as a friend.
Your wife, if anything, will like the attention, but she will not even notice that he is not there.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 03/10/2024 07:22

I’ve been in a similar situation as the wife and not wanting to be “rude” or upset our friends, I’ve not said anything. My DH didn’t notice or say anything so I felt perhaps I was making a bigger deal of it that I needed to. I really wish my DH had said “oh I saw x do this to you, were you ok with that/did you feel uncomfortable”. I think you should ask your wife about it. Say you noticed something and how did she feel. You should also try to tell her gently how it made you feel. And as others have said, you need to see these friends less. Even if your wife likes the attention, he’s not a good person, he’ll hit on anyone from the sounds of it to see who bites. Don’t let him ruin your lives.

maclen · 03/10/2024 07:28

Perhaps that have met years ago and know each other or had a sexual relationship before but didn't want to say? Either way I wouldn't like it either. You've just got married and should be each other's attention and having the best time. Not worried about this.

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