My friend and my wife

[Hunt2]

hello,
was after a bit of advice, am I over thinking things or is this something to worry about.
i know a couple I’ve been friends with for many years..the guy is a bit of a ladies man and when I met my partner he was keen to meet her, anyhow after a few months we all met up and he immediately treated her like a long lost mate. Any did so every time we met up. Fast forward to a few months back. I proposed to my partner last year and invited them to the wedding this year. The couple decided to take us away for a couple of days as a wedding present. We went to a karaoke bar and he asked her to sing with him, which she did his arm round her but her arm not round him. On way back they walked back in front of me and his wide arm in arm. Which I thought was very strange as this was only a couple of weeks before our wedding. Then the day before wedding a large group met up for a drink and he said to my wife to be twice ‘ marry me instead’ my wife to me told me this and laughed it off. We had an entertainer at wedding and he asked my wife to pick someone to help the guy and she picked my friend out of a room of 60. I didn’t see anything at wedding.
while away for a few days after the wedding we were having a few drinks and she just randomly came out with ‘ I don’t fancy him he knows I’m married’ something along them lines. And she mentions him at least once a day in general conversation. we are going away with them on a cruise for a week and I’m scared on what might happen..am I just overthinking this? Thank you x

I'm struggling to understand how this holiday got booked.

Not a chance would I go on holiday with someone so awful but I went on an ill advised holiday years ago and the smell of lemon washing up liquid still gives me flashbacks so I might be biased : /

Your so-called-friend is giving your wife clear signals that he’d be up for it if she was. He’s doing it in front of you and his own wife because it then has the plausible deniability of being just banter.

He’s one of those cocks (and there are plenty of them) who enjoys feeling alpha by undermining other men’s relationships (‘look what I could do if I really wanted to’); your wife enjoys the attention and the way he makes her feel irresistible.

Either way it’s shitty behaviour and making you feel miserable and insecure. The holiday will only magnify it all unless you say something beforehand. I’d be inclined to do that and if he still persists then cool off the friendship altogether.

Are they swingers!? How is his wife towards you

I don't think anything is going on. I wouldn't cancel the holiday or make a deal out of nothing. Some people do flirt but it's mostly harmless. I'd just keep an eye on it.

Your gut is telling you something isn't right with him. Those are your boundaries communicating to you that it's inappropriate to YOU. I would just say that you're uncomfortable with him and remove him from your life. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's a very healthy and mature thing to do.

Either have it out with him or cancel holiday and any plans you have with him in the future.
Tell your wife that his behaviour is disgusting and inappropriate and you both will slowly distance yourselves from him.
He will make your life a misery and only interested in the ' Chase ' to see how far he can go with your new wife.

Till you get to the party sounds like my kind of party 🥳🎉👍👍👍 enjoy

Excuse me, but I am having difficulty understanding the relevance of this to the original post. Could you please clarify how it relates?

If you don't trust your "friend", and are perhaps growing to mistrust your wife, why would you go away with him and give him opportunities. Just decli e and distance yourself. At the mi.ent he may be your friend, but if you continue spending so much time with him he will also become her friend and distancing will become more difficult.

Why would you put yourself through a holiday with this sleaze that is clearly not your friend.

Speak to your wife.
Do not mention him again and ask her what is going on with her that SHE keeps bringing him up.

Ditch that friend completely...he is a creep that doesn't give a damn about your friendship.

Great point

Your friend only fancies your wife because she’s yours and he wants to get one over on you. You’d be wise to tell her she’s just a pawn in his jealousy game, and it wouldn’t matter who you’d married, your friend would still have made a play for her.

He's not your friend. Cancel the trip!
Why have you left it to escalate so long before saying anything. If it was my DH I would have told him I'm uncomfortable with what's going on, I want the friendship nipping in the bud or I'm out.
I would have also told my "friend" they've crossed a line, with how they've behaved with my spouse and called off the friendship.
Just tell your DW enough is enough now and if she wants to continue entertaining this man, that's fine, but she can do it by herself as you're not sitting there like a mug whilst it all goes on. Can't believe you're even considering going on another trip tbh and enabling the whole thing.

Hello, I’ve had a word with my wife and she totally understands where I’m coming from, she said I should have mentioned it earlier. She said she can’t remember him with his arm round her n the natural thing to do if someone has their arm round you is to put yours round as well..we met other friends last night who are really nice. And both said that they weren’t keen on them and the guy said he really didnt like him. I explained what he said and he agrees with me it’s bang out of order…but my wife sorta defended him saying maybe he just had a few drinks. To which I said he was only out half an hour before us…anyhow we walked home and she said she’s coming to be self conscious on holiday now I hope he goes and chats up other women if his wife goes to bed early…now for a bit of a twist which has knocked me sideways tbh..and I’m going to have to pull her up again today…earlier on in the day she said we need to start getting into shape again ( we have been away a few weeks in motorhome) and she said I need to start working on my top half and arms a bit…which I agree…after we got back last night after a few drinks we got talking about him she said he loves himself and works out a bit. I admire his arms…I’m absolutely gutted and hardly slept. I’m so angry I going to talk to her today…a part of me just wants to go on this cruise just to catch them out and make things final for me. My heads in bits as this woman is my absolute world x

Cut all contact with him as a couple. If he asks why you haven’t brought your wife out, ask why he cares and have it out with him. If he isn’t anything but genuinely apologetic ditch the friendship as he is not your real friend.

Your wife likes him - the comment about his arms may have been a thoughtless or calculated dig at you in light of what you’ve said to her to encourage you to shape up or make you more paranoid and insecure. Why would she do this?

If the tables were turned how would she respond to you accepting or welcoming passes by one of her female friends, and touching, and after a talk about it, for you to tell her her physical shortcomings then list what you ‘admire’ about this other woman - ie your wife’s shortcomings.

I don’t know what her game is but she’s treating you like shit and isn’t showing much love towards you. Don’t go on the cruise, it’ll be an expensive way to catch them out and your wife deserves to be used by this wanker and dropped, as she inevitably will be.

You deserve much better

edited for typos

after we got back last night after a few drinks we got talking about him she said he loves himself and works out a bit. I admire his arms…I’m absolutely gutted and hardly slept. I’m so angry I going to talk to her today…a part of me just wants to go on this cruise just to catch them out and make things final for me. My heads in bits as this woman is my absolute world x

Ask her how she would feel if you were commenting on another woman's bum and saying how lovely and pert it is and perhaps she would like to work out to get the same?

Bloody hell- WTF is wrong with your wife? Maybe you actually should go on the cruise- you have spoken to her now about your feelings and if she carries on with the flirty banter then it will show you exactly who she is.

She's a fool anyway- this bloke doesnt think she is anything special- he's simply getting a rush from the power he feels at your discomfort and it makes his ego feel big. IF your wife were to end up with this idiot, she would soon become boring to him as there is no "challenge" and he'd be flirting with someone else's wife instead. She's a bit stupid if she cant see that.

Agreeing with everyone saying cut all ties with this couple and cancel the cruise. Don’t stoop to their level and try to catch them out on the cruise. Your wife doesn’t sound very nice! I don’t blame you being upset and angry, I would be too.

Sorry OP, your wife is allowing all this flirty stuff. She should have closed it down straight away, she didn't.

"Admires his arms"??? Just NO. Why is she saying this to her new husband? In fact, if she admires his body parts so damn much why did she marry you?
No man - not even one married for years - wants his wife to say how she admires another bloke's body! Be true for women too. Whatever is she thinking???
I seriously wouldn't go on that cruise. I would flatly refuse. All the best.

That is a really upsetting comment of her to make. I'm sorry, OP. I don't think it necessarily means there's anything going on; my bigger concern is why she would say something like that, knowing that it would hurt you and worry you. Like you said, a further conversation definitely needed. You're handling this really well from the sounds of it, OP.

So I had it out with her the the next day. I told her everything…I had nothing to lose. I asked her straight do you like this bloke. She said no he’s sleezy..I told her what she said the night before and she didn’t shout or blow her top she was very apologetic and said it was a bad choice of words.she said she can’t understand why she said it. She can’t remember saying about us working out earlier in the day and the point she was getting across about him was how he loves himself and how he keeps fit with the job he has..she kept saying it was wrong and kept saying sorry she said the wrong thing to me.I was really upset and she said she only wants me..she said she knows he’s sleezy and said she doesn’t fancy him. I asked why she picked him out at our wedding out of a room of over 50 people she said all she could think of was that that table no one had been picked she so she just said his name. But can’t understand why. She thinks maybe he was at the forefront of her mind as we had been talking about his ‘marry me’ comment..she said why didn’t I pick so and so or someone else. She also apologised for that too. I asked her why she kept bring up his name and she said I think it’s cos we have been talking about them that much he was always in her head she was mortified about how many times she said his name. She said she noticed I wasn’t myself and didn’t put two and two together. She wishes we didn’t book this cruise with them. She also told me when she was with just his wife talking she was asking personal questions like how big am I, do you think my husband is attractive and how often do with have sex..this was all done after we booked the weekend away and cruise. anyhow my wife has said he’s not my friend or hers and we will cut them off after the cruise. She said the first time we all met he made a comment to her about how nice she looked in her dress in a weird way she said she told me but I honestly can’t remember, she said she thought he was sleezy then. But stuck with it as she thought he was my friend. On the cruise she said that we should sit together in such a way as not let him or her get between us when we are in bars. And do our own thing and not let them dictate things. She said he’s not going to let him touch her. His wife booked the flight and we never checked seating plan…we did yesterday and it’s my wife at window then her then me then him over the aisle. I really hope this is the end of it and when we fly home we’ll never see them again. My wife said she will be glad to get them out our lives they are not our friends. All she wants is me and her to have a happy marriage. My wife said don’t let things like this build up in my head again and overthink things..talk to me that’s what’s marriage is all about communicating it’s a two way thing.

Well done for airing your concerns. So glad your DW has apologised. I think it was a wake up call for her and I think she will respect you for it. 👏

Would you seriously consider cancelling or rescheduling this cruise to avoid this couple? Your marriage is far more important than this holiday. The fact the sleezy man’s wife asked your wife about your sex life etc is a red flag. Not one of my female friends over the years has ever asked me about my husbands size or our sex life. It’s so wrong.

You sound like a lovely newly married couple, cancel the cruise and stay away from these creeps who seem intent on contaminating your marriage. Protect your marriage.

So you’re still going on the cruise?!

I love how your wife was so do trite but not going on the cruise with them so obv not an option to her 😂 or you it seems.

And you plan on cutting them off when you get back? And hope you don’t see them again?

Do you feel you have any control in this situation whatsoever? Why go? Why hope you don’t run into them again when you return? - don’t see them again!

Is your wife below average intelligence? You must assume so if you believe she doesn’t know what was going on. She may not have realised how bothered you were by it it you kept your feelings to yourself but she can’t reasonably expect you to believe she thought this was acceptable behaviour - she has called him a sleaze several times - so why didn’t she speak to you about him and tell you he made her uncomfortable, rather than praising his big, sexy arms?! Why agree to go on holiday with him and be trapped within the confines of a boat?

She was telling you off for not communicating with her - sounds like it’s the pot calling the kettle black if her unwanted attention from him is to be believed. Honestly.

It sounds like he and his wife may be swingers and are viewing this holiday as an opportunity to do some wife swapping. This may be mainly down to him but his wife sounds complicit with her sexual comments to your wife, asking for those details etc, was clearly with ulterior motives. Also the position in the seating arrangements on the plane is interesting, with her between the two of you.

I’d be very wary and cut them off after you’ve told them you can’t/wont go on the holiday. If you go you will be opening a considerably large can of worms and it sounds like you still intend to hang out with them while there. If you confront the situation there and then you will have to avoid for the whole time you’re there and they may cause a scene.

Just don’t go.

She’s obviously posted in the wrong place, don’t be a mean girl.