Men and masturbation

[Stella45]

Hi I’m trying to settle an argument with my partner and hope you can help. He feels most partners would be ok with the following where i disagree.
if you offered your partner sex and you’d both been looking forward to it all day but that night he says he has a bad head and would prefer to masturbate instead by himself next to you in bed instead of engaging in any sexual activity with you. I empathise with illness but then to prefer masturbation by himself instead. I felt a bit upset at this. It may just be me but I felt rejected for a hand. Just an FYI I don’t have a problem with him doing that at all usually. am I massively wrong here??

Having sex with another person, whilst relationship affirming, pleasurable and wonderful, is also an effort. It takes time and thought. Having a wank on the other hand is simple, doesn't require consideration and planning and actually also has pain relieving effects. I can quite understand why your partner wanted that if he had a headache and wasn't feeling up to it. And he was honest about it too. This shouldn't be a big issue - it's akin to saying no to sex and taking some paracetamol instead.

I don't think there's ever an issue saying you don't actually fancy sex (even if you did earlier!).

However I wouldn't be happy with my DH wanking in bed next to me, that's just a bit gross to me. Take care of yourself all you want, but I'm not going to just sit next to him whilst he's doing it 😂

I would have no issue with it

The men on MN are off the scale. It's perfectly natural not to want someone to masturbate next to you in bed. I'd be happy for him to go somewhere else and do it in privacy but wouldn't want to watch.

This

It's a tad selfish no?

I can't be bothered with you and your inconvenient needs. I'll have a wank though.

Do you literally just sit in bed next to him wanking then? What does he want you doing?

Reading Mumsnet with him whacking one out?

I'd have no issue with dp taking some self care time, but either I'm going to watch and participate, or he's knackered and it's just a private low intensity moment. I wouldn't lie there on my phone while he did it, that would feel a bit rubbish.

To not want to have sex with you is one thing. To expect you just to lie there and watch/ listen to him masturbate is quite another. Forcing someone to witness masturbation when they don't want to can be classed as a form of sexual assault.

I would not be ok with my husband doing this next to me. That's awkward.

He can go away and do it in private.

It's a bit awkward. What you supposed to do?OOO he wasnt bashing one out next to you while you wrote the above post was he? 🥴 Seriously, I would not be okay with it either!

What makes me laugh is that the ‘bad head’ still doesn’t prevent him from cracking one out. Is there anything that stops men attending to their one true love?

There's a real difference between the needs that are being met by having sex vs masturbation.
Sex isn't just about sexual satisfaction, reaching an orgasm. It's also about connection, pleasing your partner, affirming the relationship, etc. That takes energy, and can be a lot of work, especially when you have a headache.
Masturbation is a physical relief, and you're allowed to be very selfish. In the same way that taking aspirin when you have a headache is a relief to a physical discomfort, which only benefits you and no one else.
For men especially, but also for some women, masturbation is a form of relaxation (where as for most women the urge to masturbate or be intimate only arises AFTER they have managed to relax).

So I wouldn't ever feel annoyed at my partner for choosing masturbation after rejecting sex. They meet different needs. It's like someone rejecting a water but having juice instead. You can't just say: well why did you have juice when you obviously weren't thirsty?
What would absolutely weird me out is my partner doing it in front of me. Masturbation is a personal thing. Leave me out of it.

Whilst I would feel a bit "put out" , I actually kind of applaud his clear, honest communication.

I think you are well within your right to comunícate openly and honestly back to him about how you feel about it too.

My reply would probably be

"I really appreciate your honesty but I feel disappointed after looking forward to this... I don't think I want to be here as you masterbate. You'll need to wait until you have a moment to yourself for that"

Couldn't he just have said he was tired and actually not up for sex tonight, without mentioning he was going to have a wank instead? Unless he wants you to wank next to him, as a slightly lazy but potentially sexy activity for you both, why is he telling you this his wanking plans?

Could he not take a paracetamol ?

If his head was that sore why'd he want to fumble with his sausage anyway?

He's ill or he's not.

Never heard of a headache that was bad enough to put someone off shagging but not sufficiently bad to prevent a bit of self pleasure....?

Reading Mumsnet with him whacking one out?

This made me laugh quite ridiculously hard.

Me too and also @Charley50 'wanking plans' 🤣🤣

What a pathetic bloke. Mutual masturbation, yes ... but sole masturbation is a private act. I would tip a bucket of cold water over him.

Err don't any women here ever actually take advantage of the power of a solo orgasm for pain, tension, insomnia? If not... you really might want to try it.

I think it's fine for someone to not want sex and masturbate instead, but the weird thing is doing it beside you if it's not a mutual thing? Are you just meant to ignore it or what?

Could've suggested some mutual masterbation.

I don't have issue with it. I have chronic health conditions so can't always partake. I happily have a back rub while he enjoys himself 🤣

That's appalling and I can't believe he asked if you'd mind!

Yuck.