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[onemoresmartie]

Just could do with some advice as I am feeling a bit at a loss of what to do
I have been asking for a while now to be added onto accounts for our household bills we are married and have four children between us.
I have contributed towards bills since moving into his home several years ago I just transfer money to his account every month when I get paid.
Over the past year or so I have repeatedly asked to be added onto accounts or to see letters that come through and he's very cagey and defensive about matters relating to household bills such as utilities.
I have opened a letter today in his name and it is for nearly 2 thousand pound debt for council tax which I know is really serious.

I'm not sure how to bring this up as I know I shouldn't have opened the letter however I am glad I did now as this could massively affect my life and our home.

you moved your children and yourself into this man’s home, that you’re not on the deeds to and from any kind of record keeping perspective… don’t even live there?

You need to know where your money is going.

This is not good.

But I can see your difficulty in challenging him when you opened up the mail. ( no judgement btw - it’s just he will try to make this into an issue about you snooping/ not trusting him, rather than what he is doing with bills.)

Why don’t you say something along the lines of ‘there was a call from council about chasing up unpaid arrears’ ? Hide the actual bill.

and I’d use this to insist you get a full breakdown of debts and current balances for all bills/ utilities
However, I suspect that he may just try to lie his way out of it and you need to know everything.

Alternatively, you could start the convo suggesting you take out a loan for something…see how he reacts? Maybe say you need to check your credit rating as a couple. Casually ask him if all the bills are up to date. If he says yes, you know it’s probably the tip of the ice berg.

you know him best OP, so try the tactic most likely to work with him.

going forward you need to insist that all bills are paid from a joint bank account by direct debit which you both put an agreed amount into each month.

A marriage certificate means the house is the matrimonial home, so there is protection there.

op
would i be right in thinking that this relationship and marriage went at break neck speed?

tricky as he owned before they were married

and they’ve only been married a very short period of time

eh? She married him and had 4 kids with him! She didn't move into some strangers house

ETA sorry I see they have 4 kids between them, not together

They’re married - deeds don’t matter as much as that fact. It’s her home too.

I sadly know from bitter experience that this is
no guarantee he’d be able to walk away without paying out a large amount from equity. ( can you tell I was the homeowner?😩)

it will depend if any of these kids are from the relationship, but agree otherwise it’s tricky

Not in the slightest bit tricky if in England/Wales. It’s the marital home.

A bit more tricky in Scotland

A person I know in this position cited her not being on the deeds to their home as evidence of his coercive control and financial abuse in their divorce. Three kids.

She got 70% of total assets.

No, you weren’t the homeowner. You had a joint marital home because you got married.

This is not good at all OP, but you don't need me to tell you that. You should not be blindly paying money into an account over which you have no say and no control, and presumably don't even see the statements. This has obviously got to stop. Looks like your DH has got things to hide and it might not just be the Council Tax. You need to have it out with him. Your security and that of your children is in danger and you cannot let that happen to spare this man's feelings.

I should add I have asked before when he has received debt letters and he has said he will sort it. Last weekend I brought it up and told him I felt more like a lodger than a wife and I wanted to have more input and he said he would add me onto the utility bill accounts but so far has given several excuses as to why this hasn't happened.
I told him it was important to me and I'm not begging to have an input to my own home and how it is run from a financial perspective obviously I do everything practically cleaning, washing, shopping etc. I also work full time
I just feel like my feelings aren't considered on any level.

no, she didn’t

reread

i have been divorced
have you?

length of marriage does make a difference
fact

I'd say you've been acting odd over bills so for my piece of mind I've looked now tell me what we now owe and get a plan....
Does he gamble?

I am not sure re gambling but it wouldn't surprise me. I'm panicking now as to what other household bills are not being paid.

I did! And edited my post accordingly. Reread

yes, i thought it was a bit ironic 😆

I'm not sure I'd even want to have my name on the (his) bills seeing as he seems like doesn't pay them properly anyway. It could mean he pays even less? And tries to palm off the responsibility on you. Is he good with money generally? Decent income? You say he gets these debt letters.
I'd feel uneasy about his cageyness, but at the same time I wouldn't have moved in with someone who's not prepared to put me on the deeds and can't pay the utilities and council tax on time.

Exactly- that is my point

He earns alot more than me. He assured me last weekend everything was up to date and above board. How do I get to the bottom of this without giving a ultimatum
I can't live like this always wondering

wave the council tax letter in front of him
and ask for an explanation

and that’s just for a start op

You don't keep getting council tax letters if you're on top of them I'd pile all his letters up and say okay you said we were on top of everything obviously the council tax hasn't been paid at all what are all these? I need to know now because I'm terrified that debt collectors are going to turn up you need to be honest with me and show me the bills now.

How was your name not on the council tax bill?

I have lived with my partner over twenty years now. Regardless of how we pay the other bills or if we’ve been renting or had a mortgage.

Some things are always in both names that’s the council tax bill you both get separate letters for that, that’s a tenancy agreement the letters always addressed to both and that’s the mortgage once again monthly letter addressed to both.

Apparently I can't be on the council tax as I'm not on the mortgage....