Transparency

[onemoresmartie]

Just could do with some advice as I am feeling a bit at a loss of what to do
I have been asking for a while now to be added onto accounts for our household bills we are married and have four children between us.
I have contributed towards bills since moving into his home several years ago I just transfer money to his account every month when I get paid.
Over the past year or so I have repeatedly asked to be added onto accounts or to see letters that come through and he's very cagey and defensive about matters relating to household bills such as utilities.
I have opened a letter today in his name and it is for nearly 2 thousand pound debt for council tax which I know is really serious.

I'm not sure how to bring this up as I know I shouldn't have opened the letter however I am glad I did now as this could massively affect my life and our home.

That’s a complete lie. Any adult living in the house should be listed on the council tax. Are you not on the electoral role either so you can’t vote?

You can add yourself to that btw then the letters come to you too. But if he’s wracked up debts that means you will also owe it.

What happens if you do a credit search? you are married so financially linked so you should be able to see things relating to both of you plus worth checking he’s not owing things in your name.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/council-tax/paying-council-tax/#:~:text=Who%20has%20to%20pay%20council,a%20couple%20but%20also%20individually.

I'm going to have to show him the letter on Monday and demand an explanation
I won't be transferring any money into his account until I know where it's going
I suspect he will kick off at me opening the letter
However due to the fact I contribute I did say I would open utility bills. I have not and would not open personal banking letters or hmrc ones. I haven't slept for worrying and I'm up this early on a Sunday
Today is going to be a long day

Can you only be on the council tax if your the owner? I am on the electoral role which I suppose is something

Clearly you can be on the council tax. Otherwise how would council tax be collected for rentals.

Just to add this is a hill to die on. Financial transparency is part of marriage. There need to accounts. That are visible to everyone. If you are tying yourself into his debt you need to know. Where is he that you need to wait to have this discussion? Send in your proof of marriage to all the utilities to get added.

He's here but so are all of our children so I need to pick my moment. I don't think it's going to go well.

I think she meant prior to getting married , as it appears to be the case here.

Everything has come to a head since my post. My life is crumbling around me and I don't know how to get through this or even if I want to stay in my marriage.
I do have options and an amazing family who are supporting me but the debt seems unmanageable and more importantly it is debt relating to utility bills that he has allowed to get out of control whilst I have been playing along unknowingly and transferring money to him expecting him to pay the bills and he hasn't been.
I feel so lost.
I have spent a couple of nights at a friends but my ds is back with me tonight after a weekend with his dad and I don't know what to say to him or even that I want to go back to our home.

Has he told you where the money has gone and if the mortgage is paid?
The only chance my marriage would have would be full disclosure and sight of all paperwork...including bank statements and mortgage plus going to a debt counsellor and appreciate counselling for gambling/addiction if he's spent on that out the door for sex workers
Speak to a woman's advice line

I’m so sorry OP, this must be so painful. The question is whether the marriage is something you want to save.

By your own admission, you’re the one who does all the housework. He’s lied to you for ages about the finances and spent the money you gave him on who knows what. Is he at all apologetic? Has he told you what the money was spent on?

For me, it would depend what the answers to those questions were, and - assuming he’s not been living some double life and blowing it all on sex workers, gambling and drugs - whether he was prepared in future to let you manage the finances so you can get on top of the debt situation. But I would be wondering personally what else he has been lying about.

Sending hugs, because this is clearly a huge shock. But you will get through this.

I think it's a drug addiction issue. I haven't seen him in a couple of days I can't face to look at him. I have brought me and my ds to stay at my parents and just had to tell my son that we aren't going home tonight 😔

I am going to talk to him this evening and ask for full disclosure on where the money has been going and see what he says. I do all of the housework and up until recently dog walking, food shopping, caring for the sc when they come to our home. I don't see that I can continue doing any of that without full knowledge of the problem and even then even if he does admit it I think I'm opening myself up to a life time of doubt and worry every day
The alternative is putting plans in motion to get my own place

Yeah, that’s a lot. Only you know whether there is a route back to you being able to trust him again. He has a lot of work to do, either way.

Hope it goes as well as it can do this evening, under the circumstances 💐

I wasn't looking forward to the conversation now he's going to let me know when he's back home 🙄 keeping me waiting and controlling it. I am inclined to tell him to do one to be honest

My dh lied about bills being paid and money. I filed for divorce the next day.

Have you ever regretted it? Did you have kids involved?

No dc. No shared assets. He went to bed blind drunk - it was a Sunday.. I went to work on the Monday and text him to be gone before I got home. I filed for divorce that afternoon.. Haven't seen him since that Sunday.. Been over 12 years!! Not even a glimpse!!

Wow I admire your courage
I am in turmoil at the moment wondering if there is any way back but I am going through every type of emotion anger sadness and complete devastation at the situation I am in
My one big worry is that I might look back and regret ending our marriage and that I should stick by him but I also can't imagine life changing or getting any better by going back.

Exposing your kids and you to addiction and poverty with the thought of bailiffs and criminals coming to the door might help. If it's addiction he's mixing with people you don't need in your life. He's not providing for you, not paying bills and not helping so what is there to lose?

we had the chat he admitted the drug use and that he feels ashamed and is sorry for letting me down. I said I want full disclosure on all the finances and he has said he won't do that and I've left it with him it's either full disclosure or separation
I think I know what's coming
I have overwhelming guilt about breaking our family up and my ds will be heartbroken but I know that by going back I am enabling him to use drugs and treat me like shit and I'll never have any peace wondering when the next shit storm is coming

Your not breaking the family up your partner is.
Hope all goes well stay strong

He has lied about so much I don't believe anything he says and I don't think that can come back but do I put my feelings aside and do what's right for our kids? It's so hard

What's right for your kids is to not have to live with a drug addict in serious debt. His kids aren't your concern. Presumably they have a mother?

Yes they do from his first marriage. I just feel I am letting kids down who don't deserve all this. I am worried that my husband won't survive this if I leave him.

What's right for your kids might be showing them that you don't accept your H lying to you and deceiving you like that, and risking their family's security by not paying the bills or being honest. If you separate, they can still see him, he'll still be their dad - he just won't be your husband. Either way he needs some professional help with the drug addiction (is he ready to get help with it?) and with dealing with the debt. He needs to engage with the right services whatever else happens.