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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can't make my now ex H understand how much he has hurt me

58 replies

BirthdayRainbow · 27/09/2024 21:40

He said sorry twice but he didn't really mean it.

How do I stop expecting something I'm never going to get? I feel I'm putting myself in harms way but hoping for an epiphany.

He was beyond cruel on top of an affair years ago. I'd rather he'd had another affair tbh.

Furious row this week. Yet I still sorted something for him. Idiot.

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 27/09/2024 21:43

If he’s your ex you need to disengage from him. Totally. If you have dc limit your contact to arrangements for them but you don’t need to communicate beyond this.

Summerhillsquare · 27/09/2024 21:47

No contact, get busy elsewhere, get under someone else if you're ready for that. Distraction basically. One day you will wake up and realise you haven't thought about him the day before.

BirthdayRainbow · 27/09/2024 21:48

We don't have to have contact because of the kids but we do have to communicate and occasionally see each other as we are selling the house. I'm moving a long way and have to get rid of stuff. It's just horrible.

OP posts:
MamOfGirls2 · 27/09/2024 21:50

He didnt care to get it while you were married. He certainly isn't going to care to understand now.

Knittedfairies2 · 27/09/2024 21:50

Keep your communication with him solely about the house sale - and stop helping him out.

Pigeonqueen · 27/09/2024 21:51

BirthdayRainbow · 27/09/2024 21:48

We don't have to have contact because of the kids but we do have to communicate and occasionally see each other as we are selling the house. I'm moving a long way and have to get rid of stuff. It's just horrible.

You could communicate through the solicitors / estate agents (I used to work in conveyancing and we had many couples who didn’t want to speak to each other or know each others forwarding addresses). I know how hard it is but honestly the only way you’ll feel better about things is to block him as much as you can. If you don’t have dc together that’s a blessing in this particular instance. I know it’s very hard.

Heybearu · 27/09/2024 21:51

Radical acceptance and self compassion x
Like you say he isn't ever going to get it.
But you can show yourself the kindness you deserve x

Mischance · 27/09/2024 21:53

Why do you need him to understand how much he hurt you? He is history. You must move on. What he feels or does not feel, knows or does not know is irrelevant. Your have a new life to lead.

I know it is beyond hard, but his understanding of how he has hurt you is not going to be a part of your new life.

BlastedPimples · 27/09/2024 21:54

Never expect the person who hurt you to help you heal.

It won't happen.

BirthdayRainbow · 27/09/2024 21:56

We do have kids.

The stuff isn't something the solicitor can help with.

I do feel if he genuinely understood and said sorry again that it would actually help me.

Thinking to be done. Thanks.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/09/2024 22:55

BirthdayRainbow · 27/09/2024 21:56

We do have kids.

The stuff isn't something the solicitor can help with.

I do feel if he genuinely understood and said sorry again that it would actually help me.

Thinking to be done. Thanks.

You fantasize about this guy who never made the effort to understand you or show you care finally doing it - I get it I've been there 100% .

But I've now moved on from any expectation of this - he exists in his own world and sees it from his perspective and justifies how he's acted as a self defense mechanism. You've loved him and you've been emeshed so you've lost yourself. In time you can give the closure to yourself and decide for your self what's right and wrong and what you deserve. You've been so hurt by someone not caring, you can't expect them to suddenly care now about you and your lived experience.

My therapist said to me after my relationship with child's father ended 'what would he have to do if you got back with him to make you feel safe happy and trusting in that relationship' and the list I created went on forever and helped me realise it will never ever happen as he just doesn't care.

Starlightstarbright3 · 27/09/2024 23:02

Honestly he didn’t care enough about your feelings when you were together . He doesn’t now .

The saying the best revenge is moving on .. it is that … your healing comes from within .. you will never get what you want from him .

JaneEyreLaughing · 27/09/2024 23:35

He knows how much he has hurt you and you continually telling him won't make a blind bit of difference to him, He will be thinking that you are a nagging, pain in the arse.

It's over now. What do you care. Stop massaging his ego by allowing him to think that he has so decimated you that you can' t move on.

Wish him well and tell him to go forth because he no longer has the power to hurt you because you no longer care enough!

That will be a surprise to him!

OlivePoetry · 27/09/2024 23:41

You'll never get the understanding or apology that will feel sincere enough from him. He may say the words again someday but really he'll still just be the same cunt who cheated and was cruel.

Stop trying to get what you need from him. I've been there, it's hard, but closure really does come from within.

Boidont · 27/09/2024 23:46

What do you stand to gain from his understanding?

Holidaysrule · 28/09/2024 06:19

Heybearu · 27/09/2024 21:51

Radical acceptance and self compassion x
Like you say he isn't ever going to get it.
But you can show yourself the kindness you deserve x

This. Accept the fact that he is a shit. And be kind to yourself about it. It’s always disappointing when someone we love turns out not to be who we thought, but that is him not you. Make a plan to be mentally and physically (if that’s your thing) stronger by Christmas. If you find yourself ruminating, list all the earrings you own or every car you’ve ever bought, or get a free dance workout off YouTube and flail around your living room. Anything to get off that mental track. Plan nice treats for yourself, a walk, a bath, a massage, a glass of wine, whatever it is YOU like. Make YOU the focus of your thoughts and he will soon start to fade away.

alwaysmovingforwards · 28/09/2024 06:30

BirthdayRainbow · 27/09/2024 21:56

We do have kids.

The stuff isn't something the solicitor can help with.

I do feel if he genuinely understood and said sorry again that it would actually help me.

Thinking to be done. Thanks.

But he’s an ex and more importantly so are you.

Maybe he’s moved on and doesn’t really care much about your feelings or what would help you, it’s just not on his radar.

MerelyPlaying · 28/09/2024 06:35

Get some counselling. I spent far too long in this situation, you need to move on - you’re never going to get an acknowledgment or apology. The best revenge is living well.

You need help to see this, and some therapy or counselling would pay dividends.

XChrome · 28/09/2024 06:37

How do I stop expecting something I'm never going to get?

Accept that he is a horrible person. Give up on who you thought he was and internalize who he really is- a cruel, abusive cheater.
Let the barbed wire monkey go.
This analogy relates to (extremely cruel) experiments in which young monkeys were given a barbed wire "mother" object which dispensed food to them. The monkeys clung to that barbed wire like they would cling to a real mother, even though it was painful. They were conditioned to accept the pain as the cost of having a mother figure.
This man is a barbed wire monkey you have accepted as a husband figure. Whatever negligible amount of nourishment you have gotten from this relationship is not worth the pain.

HazelPlayer · 28/09/2024 07:02

To have done what he's done, he's not a person with integrity or empathy.

Integrity and empathy would be required for him to ever admit he's treated his stbex spouse despicably.

But if he had it integrity; he wouldn't have behaved that way in the first place.

Loads of people aren't good at ever admitting they did wrong, if they even admit it to themselves in the first place. He's one of them. Probably hasnt even admitted it to himself.

He was probably cruel to you on top of the affair because affair-havers have to build the victim of their affair up to be a villain in their head (and usually in the narrative to their affair partner).
You must be the villain of the story, not them. They are always the hero of their own story. The side effect of being framed as a villain, is that they resent, feel antagonistic towards, take out everything etc on you & feel.justifoed in doing so.
I suppose there's a bit of Darvo in it too.

When someone's character is like this, you won't change it. Focus on recovering from it, yourself. They're shit people and there's not going to admit they're shig people.

Oh and don't ever do any favours for him again
Ever.

(You might find it useful to change his name in your phone to "piece of shit, scum bag, low life , moral vacuum sociopath").

StripeyDeckchair · 28/09/2024 07:03

Choose one form of communication and block & delete him on all others.
I set up an email account just for the ex and then It was in my control as to when I saw his messages and I had a paper trail for when he lied about things he'd said.

Only deal with facts.
Do not respond to or send out any emotional messages / accusations etc

His only interest is getting as much money as he can from the split, he's doesn't care about you or your children (he's shown that by the multiple affairs)
He might take a horrible pleasure out of upsetting you & making life difficult for you - don't let him.

You are a strong, intelligent woman and you will recover and thrive after this.

3 page email ranting and raving about how awful you are and what you failed to do years ago with one sentence about the house you're selling?
Respond with a short factual answer about the house & ignore the rest.

Focus on your plans for the future
Good luck

rockingbird · 28/09/2024 07:09

BlastedPimples · 27/09/2024 21:54

Never expect the person who hurt you to help you heal.

It won't happen.

Totally agree with this!
I've spent 2 years waiting for an apology, I just couldn't fathom how my ExH would not acknowledge the hurt he'd caused. Needless to say it never happened.. I've learned to accept he's never going to admit his wrongdoing, the affair that broke me and the pain he caused is unthinkable-but still he remains silent he fucked up!!

You need to accept that you'll never get that apology or acceptance. I know it's hard as I've been through it myself, it's just not worth the head space.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 28/09/2024 07:11

Why on earth are you doing favours for him?!

Hercisback1 · 28/09/2024 07:12

Be more Elsa and let it go.

He doesn't care. He's made that clear. Don't expect him to care.

Protect yourself. Value you for being you. Attach no value to his opinion of you.

MillyMollyMandHey · 28/09/2024 07:33

Honestly, he probably isn't sorry. He doesn't care.