Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will he ever stop fancying her ?

63 replies

Lillyx · 27/09/2024 18:46

I’m quite worried that my husband can’t stop fancying this 1 particular woman.

He’s has a ridiculous crush on her for so many years. She went from being ‘average’ ( his words ) to having the ‘biggest glow up’ and being the ‘most attractive woman he’s ever met apart from me’.

I haven’t seen her for years, but a lot of my friends are telling me she’s had 1 of the biggest ‘glow downs’. Apparently she’s put on about 5 stone, cut her hair really short, and has now had so much cosmetic surgery that her eyes are closing up and her cheeks are really big and puffy.

I’m not bitchy at all and don’t judge anyone by their looks, but I thought I’d tell my husband to get his reaction. He basically said he ‘Didn’t care’ and he’d always ‘have a thing for her’. This really shocked me.

1 of my friends said the problem is, in the past she was a lot better looking than my husband, out of his league. But now the tables have turned and they’ve swapped roles. He’s now a lot better looking than her. Do I need to be worried?

We hung out with her and her boyfriend at the time for about a year. I kind of stopped it because he’d make comments about how good she was looking, and seemed to get excited whenever we all hung out, or even when I spoke about her.

He did apologize at the time and said he didn’t realize how he was acting.

OP posts:
BeautyPageantDropout · 27/09/2024 18:54

I could not accept my husband telling me he'd always 'have a thing' for another woman. No fucking way. Any normal person, one who didn't want to wound their spouse, would keep those thoughts as thoughts. Don't accept this kind of disrespect.

LostittoBostik · 27/09/2024 18:57

BeautyPageantDropout · 27/09/2024 18:54

I could not accept my husband telling me he'd always 'have a thing' for another woman. No fucking way. Any normal person, one who didn't want to wound their spouse, would keep those thoughts as thoughts. Don't accept this kind of disrespect.

Really?

In real life, people are humans. Everyone has someone in their life that they occasionally think "I wonder what have happened if...." We all have sliding doors moments but can still deeply love and commit to our spouses and not act on anything because we love our families more than anything.

I feel like the fact he was honest about this instead of pretending he isn't attracted to her is actually a strength of OP's marriage.

Molly546 · 27/09/2024 18:59

LostittoBostik · 27/09/2024 18:57

Really?

In real life, people are humans. Everyone has someone in their life that they occasionally think "I wonder what have happened if...." We all have sliding doors moments but can still deeply love and commit to our spouses and not act on anything because we love our families more than anything.

I feel like the fact he was honest about this instead of pretending he isn't attracted to her is actually a strength of OP's marriage.

Show quote history

Saying you think someone is attractive is honest, saying you'll always have a thing for them is assholery.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2024 19:00

BeautyPageantDropout · 27/09/2024 18:54

I could not accept my husband telling me he'd always 'have a thing' for another woman. No fucking way. Any normal person, one who didn't want to wound their spouse, would keep those thoughts as thoughts. Don't accept this kind of disrespect.

I absolutely agree, and this has nothing to do with jealousy. It's purely about respect and consideration for your feelings. What kind of fucking idiot says something like that to their spouse? There are only two reasons to say that, 1. You're an absolute pillock, or 2. You want to make your partner feel badly/insecure/whatever. No normal, caring person would ever say this and bang on about how attractive they find this other person.

Show him the door.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/09/2024 19:01

It could be that he thought your telling him was a horrible thing of you to do, which it was, and responded accordingly.

LostittoBostik · 27/09/2024 19:02

@Molly546 Tbh as I read it, this stood out: " I thought I’d tell my husband to get his reaction."

Well, she got a reaction. He was pissed off. I would be too.

If OP doesn't trust her DH she should make plans to leave, not behave like a wind up merchant.

LadyKenya · 27/09/2024 19:09

Well his reaction to this woman's supposed "glow down" backfired OP. Would you have told him if you had heard she was still looking good? I highly doubt it.

BeautyPageantDropout · 27/09/2024 19:20

LostittoBostik · 27/09/2024 18:57

Really?

In real life, people are humans. Everyone has someone in their life that they occasionally think "I wonder what have happened if...." We all have sliding doors moments but can still deeply love and commit to our spouses and not act on anything because we love our families more than anything.

I feel like the fact he was honest about this instead of pretending he isn't attracted to her is actually a strength of OP's marriage.

Show quote history

We can all wonder what if about someone but you don't tell your husband 'I still fantasise about Dan from time to time'. Come on.

DreamHolidays · 27/09/2024 19:35

LostittoBostik · 27/09/2024 18:57

Really?

In real life, people are humans. Everyone has someone in their life that they occasionally think "I wonder what have happened if...." We all have sliding doors moments but can still deeply love and commit to our spouses and not act on anything because we love our families more than anything.

I feel like the fact he was honest about this instead of pretending he isn't attracted to her is actually a strength of OP's marriage.

Show quote history

As a one off maybe.

But an attraction that has been going on for years, shows no sign of dwindling and actually seem to get stronger?
Totally different game

saveforthat · 27/09/2024 19:39

"I'm not bitchy but I couldn't wait to tell my husband she looks like shit now"

TeaGinandFags · 27/09/2024 19:47

This needs to stop.

Now.

I had a similar situation where my husband chose our first wedding anniversary to (sit on the edge of my bath and) tell me that he never really got over his ex girlfriend.

I told him that he felt what he felt and that there was nothing wrong with that. However, he was married to me and if he truly missed her, I wouldn't stand in his way. If he wanted to stay married, then he had to resign her to the past.

He soon shut up. He didn't like my solution but I wasn't going to be the third wheel in the marriage. In retrospect, I wish I'd walked out then.

I wish you strength. You are worth so much more than this. His treatment of you is shoddy.

betterangels · 27/09/2024 19:51

I’m not bitchy at all and don’t judge anyone by their looks, but I thought I’d tell my husband to get his reaction. He basically said he ‘Didn’t care’ and he’d always ‘have a thing for her’. This really shocked me

You wanted a reaction and got it. Just not the one you wanted. This one is on you. You didn't have to bring him this information.

IceStationZebra · 27/09/2024 19:58

You were quite restrained @TeaGinandFags , I think I’d have struck him with the nearest implement.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 27/09/2024 19:59

If it's a kind of reminiscing thing where "Polly from 10 years ago looks like my ideal woman would" -that's a kin to a celebrity crush to me and fine. It's light hearted and not real. It's best not to discuss it though since you actually know her and that makes it feel more real.

If he's saying he is actively attracted to her (including her personality) and crossing the line into implying he would want to be in a relationship or cheat with her -that's not ok.

You sound like you feel he's quite invested in her and are trying to end his feelings. That's not healthy for either of you and not in your control.

You either leave the relationship if it's a deal-breaker or don't mention her again and lead your best life together.

Original poster
Lillyx · 27/09/2024 20:03

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 27/09/2024 19:59

If it's a kind of reminiscing thing where "Polly from 10 years ago looks like my ideal woman would" -that's a kin to a celebrity crush to me and fine. It's light hearted and not real. It's best not to discuss it though since you actually know her and that makes it feel more real.

If he's saying he is actively attracted to her (including her personality) and crossing the line into implying he would want to be in a relationship or cheat with her -that's not ok.

You sound like you feel he's quite invested in her and are trying to end his feelings. That's not healthy for either of you and not in your control.

You either leave the relationship if it's a deal-breaker or don't mention her again and lead your best life together.

I asked him before if he’d be in a relationship with her if we weren’t together and he said yes. Actually quite alarming he’d even admit this to me if he thought it. He did take it back later with a worse statement. He wouldn’t have a relationship with her, he’d just have sex with her until he was ‘over her’.

OP posts:
Cm19841 · 27/09/2024 20:07

Some kind of madness and disrespect lives in your marriage.

Respectful partners do not talk to each other the way you do or about other people.

What makes you both think it is okay to talk about someone else so poorly and how they look, how they age etc? You sound like you're taunting each other to play games. Why don't you have a large enough, happy life together as a married couple to let such nonsense slide off?

I find your dynamic as a couple toxic, never mind the poor woman caught in it! Fixing this is priority.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 27/09/2024 20:11

Lillyx · 27/09/2024 20:03

I asked him before if he’d be in a relationship with her if we weren’t together and he said yes. Actually quite alarming he’d even admit this to me if he thought it. He did take it back later with a worse statement. He wouldn’t have a relationship with her, he’d just have sex with her until he was ‘over her’.

Show quote history

That's very upsetting to hear and disrespectful.

Original poster
Lillyx · 27/09/2024 20:13

Cm19841 · 27/09/2024 20:07

Some kind of madness and disrespect lives in your marriage.

Respectful partners do not talk to each other the way you do or about other people.

What makes you both think it is okay to talk about someone else so poorly and how they look, how they age etc? You sound like you're taunting each other to play games. Why don't you have a large enough, happy life together as a married couple to let such nonsense slide off?

I find your dynamic as a couple toxic, never mind the poor woman caught in it! Fixing this is priority.

Literally atleast 10 people have come upto me and told me this. They all think it’s funny that my husband probably won’t find her attractive anymore, and the issue ‘sorted’. It’s obviously not quite that simple.

OP posts:
DreamHolidays · 27/09/2024 20:58

Lillyx · 27/09/2024 20:03

I asked him before if he’d be in a relationship with her if we weren’t together and he said yes. Actually quite alarming he’d even admit this to me if he thought it. He did take it back later with a worse statement. He wouldn’t have a relationship with her, he’d just have sex with her until he was ‘over her’.

Show quote history

This is probably the time when you should have told him
‘Fine. I can see she is really important to you and I dint want to be in the way. We shall go our separate ways’.

In his mind, he is way too invested in her. Whatever the reason.
I can’t see how it can’t have some impact on your marriage tbh.

IlooklikeNigella · 27/09/2024 21:15

I find this all so weird. It reminds me of how my siblings and I all slag each other about crappy celebs we fancied when we were young who are still in the public eye but look terrible now; the defiant "I'll always love them / i still would" banter.

But this is a person you know in real life?

I think your DH just has to see it as utterly harmless and a joke... Or he is a complete prick.

Alwaystired23 · 27/09/2024 21:19

Have you posted about his crush in her before? It sounds very familiar to another thread?

Original poster
Lillyx · 27/09/2024 21:21

Alwaystired23 · 27/09/2024 21:19

Have you posted about his crush in her before? It sounds very familiar to another thread?

No. I’ve read a few posts about this in the past so thought I’d see if I could get any advice too.

OP posts:
NetflixAndKill · 27/09/2024 21:26

Alwaystired23 · 27/09/2024 21:19

Have you posted about his crush in her before? It sounds very familiar to another thread?

I was thinking the same. About a friend within a closed group and her partner had a crush on one of the girls?

Missmarymack2 · 27/09/2024 21:28

I agree with a poster who said it’s good that he is being honest but I think he is being a bit too honest, to the point of disrespect and that there is no benefit to him telling you all this. How would he feel if you spoke the same way about a mutual friend ?

Alwaystired23 · 27/09/2024 21:32

NetflixAndKill · 27/09/2024 21:26

I was thinking the same. About a friend within a closed group and her partner had a crush on one of the girls?

Show quote history

Yes, that's the thread I read.