Will he ever stop fancying her ?

[Lillyx]

I’m quite worried that my husband can’t stop fancying this 1 particular woman.

He’s has a ridiculous crush on her for so many years. She went from being ‘average’ ( his words ) to having the ‘biggest glow up’ and being the ‘most attractive woman he’s ever met apart from me’.

I haven’t seen her for years, but a lot of my friends are telling me she’s had 1 of the biggest ‘glow downs’. Apparently she’s put on about 5 stone, cut her hair really short, and has now had so much cosmetic surgery that her eyes are closing up and her cheeks are really big and puffy.

I’m not bitchy at all and don’t judge anyone by their looks, but I thought I’d tell my husband to get his reaction. He basically said he ‘Didn’t care’ and he’d always ‘have a thing for her’. This really shocked me.

1 of my friends said the problem is, in the past she was a lot better looking than my husband, out of his league. But now the tables have turned and they’ve swapped roles. He’s now a lot better looking than her. Do I need to be worried?

We hung out with her and her boyfriend at the time for about a year. I kind of stopped it because he’d make comments about how good she was looking, and seemed to get excited whenever we all hung out, or even when I spoke about her.

He did apologize at the time and said he didn’t realize how he was acting.

He told me on his own accord that he was attracted to her. I did ask him if he’d have a relationship with her if he wasn’t with me, but that was more Me trying to work out if it was just lust of if he actually had feelings for her.

Why do you think he did that?

Do you think he's just filter less and has verbal diarrhea?

Do you think he might be on the spectrum?

I think it was inappropriate for him to say that to you.

However I would point out that he said he thought she was the most attractive woman he'd personally met, aside from you.

And he said, when asked, that if he was single, he (and of course presuming she was equally interested, single etc.) would get involved with her.

But he was saying he thought you are as or more attractive.
And he was saying he would probably get involved with her only if he was single.

So I'm not sure why you're asking if you should be worried?

He hasn't said he finds her more attractive than yourself and he hasn't implied he'd ever end your relationship to get involved with her.

(Just to add, even if someone did find someone more attractive than their partner, there's more to relationships and partnerships than just being attracted to someone, right? Loads of people probably find someone more sexually attractive or classically good looking or whatever than their partner, but wouldn't just dump the relationship - especially a long-term relationship - to get with them if they had any opportunity. It's only one small aspect of relationships).

I did ask him if he’d have a relationship with her if he wasn’t with me, but that was more Me trying to work out if it was just lust of if he actually had feelings for her.

No offense but it's kind of laughable to assume that men would only have a relationship with a woman if they have feelings for them. Loads of men have relationships with women for sex, company, emotional support, plus one socially, domestic services, childcare, finances, to avoid loneliness and boredom, convenience etc etc etc. Whether they stay in them long-term rests on any number of factors.

He even specified that he'd have a relationship with her, but only til he got bored shagging her/got it out of his system.

Again, he's rather arrogant thinking she'd jump at the chance.

And secondly, he's a shit person saying he'd get involved with a woman just until he got the attraction out of his system. I'm presuming in this scenario he would not ell her the truth about his intentions at the start, otherwise how many women would get involved (?)
So he's said straight that he'd use someone for sex and be deceptive/lie by omission.

Lovely.

Between telling you he has a crush on another woman, and his attitude to how he'd act if he were ever theoretical involved with her .....he's not exactly coming across like a great guy.
He's a dickhead at best.

I guess you better ask yourselves whether you're happy partnered up with a dickhead, rather than fixating on the looks of this woman and asking if you should worry?

Why's it all about what he wants, how he feels? Are you a sure thing, no matter what how he acts? Power imbalance - is what strikes me.

*yourself

Ooft...I missed the part where he said he'd use her for sex and then dump her.

How do you know that not what he's doing with you? Getting you 'out of his system'. Then he'll date other ppl (probably whenever given the option).

He's told you he sees women as disposable after they've served his needs. If he has no compassion for his long term crush, what makes you think he has any for you?

Even if this other women wasn't in the peripheries... he's still a horrible person. Why would you want to remain with a horrible person?

If my dh told me he had a thing for another woman he would be fucking dead, or possibly alive without a 'thing'.

Ps: if you're scared to drop him in part because you worry he'll go straight to her-

1. She may have no interest in him anyway.
2. He's absolutely going to try it on with her someday at some point. At best he'll wait until (the very day) the divorce has began. But trust me there will come a day where he will try his luck. Don't let it be when you're 6 months pregnant and feeling trapped.

I think you need to work out what you want. If you don’t think your relationship has a future or you don’t feel the same about him after hearing all that, maybe get out now. Perfectly reasonable after what your husband said - I wouldn’t like to hear it, I would feel sad. If you want to stay that’s ok, though I think you need to not see this woman or talk about her and find a way to live with it. But I think you need to take some control here, at least of your own feelings and goals. The one thing I don’t think it is, is funny. So I’d try and not joke about it or listen to anyone else joke about it.

That’s outrageous! Are you still with him ? How did the rest of your marriage go? Did he ever bring her up again.

OP, I agree with pp that it’s disrespectful and insensitive of him to say he’ll always have a thing for this woman. If her so called glow down isn’t off putting for him his feelings may be quite deep and it’s way beyond thinking she’s super pretty.

This.
And you have a shit husband.

I think after the ‘glow up’ she was giving off ‘I love myself’ vibes and lots of women I knew didn’t like the sudden personality change. She started to get a bit flirty with some of the Dads on school pick up etc

And your h thinks if he was single he'd fall at his feet and let him shag her for as long as he fancied, to get the crush/attraction out of his system?

I think this woman may be the same one as in another thread who you said was flirting with the men at parties/gatherings and talking about her sexual exploits to them.

Does he really think she wouldn't have plenty of other opportunities, if she flirts and attention seeks with several men??

He's a dick.

And you're chasing your tail in anxiety about his dickishmess. Talking to all your friends about his crush, trying to get him to say he wouldn't fancy her anymore etc etc.

I think he's got you where he wants you in the relationship. You have him as the prize.
I don't know what you have yourself as.

I completely agree. It is absolutely disrespectful and utterly unnecessary to speak these words.

This is just exactly the same behaviour as the thread about people who claim they are just being honest, but actually they are being rude. Only, it's worse because it's an intimate partner being deliberately disrespected.

There is not the tiniest reason, ever, to have voiced this. Everyone notices attractive people - both women and men notice. Nobody needs to disrespect their partners.