Will he ever stop fancying her ?

[Lillyx]

I’m quite worried that my husband can’t stop fancying this 1 particular woman.

He’s has a ridiculous crush on her for so many years. She went from being ‘average’ ( his words ) to having the ‘biggest glow up’ and being the ‘most attractive woman he’s ever met apart from me’.

I haven’t seen her for years, but a lot of my friends are telling me she’s had 1 of the biggest ‘glow downs’. Apparently she’s put on about 5 stone, cut her hair really short, and has now had so much cosmetic surgery that her eyes are closing up and her cheeks are really big and puffy.

I’m not bitchy at all and don’t judge anyone by their looks, but I thought I’d tell my husband to get his reaction. He basically said he ‘Didn’t care’ and he’d always ‘have a thing for her’. This really shocked me.

1 of my friends said the problem is, in the past she was a lot better looking than my husband, out of his league. But now the tables have turned and they’ve swapped roles. He’s now a lot better looking than her. Do I need to be worried?

We hung out with her and her boyfriend at the time for about a year. I kind of stopped it because he’d make comments about how good she was looking, and seemed to get excited whenever we all hung out, or even when I spoke about her.

He did apologize at the time and said he didn’t realize how he was acting.

I will have to try and find this thread for some advice maybe. Initially we lost touch because she moved away for work. She ended up moving back but I never really got back in touch again because of how I thought my husband may act.

I think it might be really useful. Even if you take nothing away from it, at least know you aren’t alone. It must be absolutely destroying your confidence. I mean you get the usual “celeb crushes” but with someone in real life? Within arms length? Too much. He’s being a dick. Maybe start taking a fancy to one of his mates. See how he likes the roles reversed x

Not relevant to your letch of a husband but your description of her changed body/face sounds like exactly what happened to me when I was being treated with a heavy dose of steroids. I was also on meds that ruined my hair.

So I would advise everyone not to gloat at these kind of bodily changes as there might be a really tough reason behind them

Sorry but if so many people were telling me about my husbands crush, I'd be uncomfortable.

I also find it insane that he's so brazenly told you he'll always have a thing for her! Madness. He clearly wants to make you feel bad or he doesn't give a shit how you feel. It's beyond being honest, it's quite unkind.

Saying this to him “for his reaction” was bitchy and petty so I wouldn’t be surprised if his reaction was the same.

My friends are joking around saying you can be best friends with her, have her round every night and he won’t fancy her now. Apart from being really unkind, it’s not all about looks. Maybe he feels he connected with her, which in my opinion is a lot more important than how someone looks, because looks obviously fade.

Yes how many people know he fancies her for 10 people to come up to you and discuss it?!

Unless YOU have told them, which is dangerous, as word may well get to her.

This doesn't sound healthy and reminds me of an issue I had with an ex partner. At a friend's wedding where we'd all dressed up, he saw this female acquaintance in her finest for the first time and couldn't stop banging on about how great she looked. Did nothing for my confidence.

I discussed it with a few close friends. I think after the ‘glow up’ she was giving off ‘I love myself’ vibes and lots of women I knew didn’t like the sudden personality change. She started to get a bit flirty with some of the Dads on school pick up etc so I think a fair amount of people used to talk about her.

God irs all so shamefully catty. Attacking this woman simply because your partner fancies her, all of you bitching on her.

yeah let’s not blame the sleazy man, let’s make it the woman’s fault. How dare she feel good about herself.

Grim OP.

This poor woman. Perved over by your husband, and all your friendship group know he fancies her and bitch about her looks to you.

I hope she has some better friends in her life and hope she isn’t seriously ill.

Please continue to keep your H away from her if you can. She deserves better.

It just sounds like narcissistic triangulation imo.

When a horrible partner pretends to carry a flame for someone else (an ex for example) in order to make you feel insecure and like you're 'not enough'.

Playing woman against woman. Encouraging us to do horrible things like take joy in their misfortune.

Is this who you want to be?
Because this is who he is making you.

Years worrying about it too!

Your partner is a shit and worse, he is bringing you down to his level.

This x 100.

I'm sorry but you all sound like 15 yr olds.

I find the way you all think and act utterly weird.

I don't know who is driving this bizarre dynamic ...;you, him or both of you???

I thought the same. I'm not bitchy just honest. Cough cough.

Does he, of his own accord, talk about fancying other women, that he'd be with them if he wasn't with you, that they're his ideal woman, that they look good/bad whatever??

Or do you ask him?

I'm trying to figure out where this unhealthy, fucked up dynamic is coming from.

You sound like you're caught up all the time worried about whether your h fancies other women, who he fancies, whether he'd leave you etc.

Like, really really insecure.

Are you like this yourself or is he initiating "discussions" about other women that is making you like this?

You sound like you don't trust your h at all?

Why is that?

I haven’t seen her for years, but a lot of my friends are telling me she’s had 1 of the biggest ‘glow downs’.

Your friends sound horrible.

Maybe they should get new topics of conversation, rather than bitchily, gleefully relaying that someone's looks have degraded.

Are they telling you to try to make you feel better because you've gone on at them about your h having a crush on her?

Your h was inappropriate telling you he had a crush on another woman. He's either a loose lips, filter less, idiot. ..or he likes making you feel insecure and like you're in competition.

Your response should have been "I know what you mean, I have a massive crush on x", or better still "well, give me good notice if you want to leave sweetheart".
But the fact he was telling you this was an indication he's a wanker and idiot .

Instead however you seem to have fixated on his crush and whether he'd leave you.

Oh and as for him saying "he'd be with her if he was single but he'd only have sex with her til he got past his attraction" .....
How exactly does he know he'd have the chance? How does he know for absolute certain she'd get involved with him? How exactly does he know she wouldn't have other prospects, or find him a crap shag and not shag him again, or any other scenario? How does he know, if he tried the shit he does on you ..talking about his attraction to other women and triangulating her with another woman, that she wouldn't be the type to say "gtfo, off you go then, dickhead".

He seems to think he's god's gift to women .... And unfortunately he seems to have convinced you of that too.

I think you said in your other reverse thread that he's aging well/relatively good looking .....
Are you insecure because you not the the same league now or something?

If he didn't talk about other women, you wouldn't be so insecure, even if you were not in the same league ...(Which I doubt anyway).

There are plenty of couples are aren't in the same league but loyalty, history, attachment, parenting, investment, "love" etc is very important so it's not a simple, shallow, cold "he/she is not as objectively good looking as me now, so I'll be off if I get the chance".

But I'm not convinced you are in different leagues anyway; I suspect he's one of those men who likes to have his partner insecure and like she's lucky he's with her; single feels good and in power.

The dynamic in your marriage is extremely unhealthy.

What I'm not 100% sure about is who is driving it.

You're almost pathologically fixated on your his "crush", which he shouldn't have told you about in the first place.

@HazelPlayer completely agree. OP, OP's friends and OP's DH all sound like a pack of b*tchy teenagers. Wtf refers to people as having had a glow up or glow down? I hope that poor woman stays the hell away from all of you. Especially your DH who would "have sex with her until he's over her". What an utter creep.

I don't like your husband. I think he's a creep.

@MollyRover just saw your post. We seem to agree.

*so he feels good and in power.

My friends are joking around saying you can be best friends with her, have her round every night and he won’t fancy her now. Apart from being really unkind

If you think your friends are really unkind, why are you still friends with them?

Is this the woman who felt the need to tell your husband about her previous sexual exploits, including the clichéd "been with another woman" and the clichéd threesome?

If so, she's obviously attention seeking and a dickhead.

But your h is also an absolute dickhead for telling his wife he has a crush on her/fancies her and would get with her if he was single.

TMI.
Inappropriate.

I believe he also said that he and his mates thought that she'd "know what she's doing", because of her experience.
I can personally refute that idiotic assumption; many people with loads of sexual partners and experience, don't "know what they're doing".

You, fixating on this, need to wise the fuck up.

You should have told him that you're not interested in hearing about his sexual attraction to other women, just like you doubt he'd be interested in hearing about your sexual attraction to other men.

That if he wanted to stay married, he wouldn't repeat the huge mistake of blabbing something so inappropriate again

1 of my friends said the problem is, in the past she was a lot better looking than my husband, out of his league. But now the tables have turned and they’ve swapped roles. He’s now a lot better looking than her. Do I need to be worried?

Do you need to be worried?

That depends on whether;

Your h is a cheater.

Your h has zero loyalty to you, and your marriage & family.

Your h only didn't cheat on you or leave you for her before, because he thought she wouldn't have him.

If any of those are true, why are you with him??

By the way, you said he stated he was sorry and that didn't realise how he was acting - when you pulled him up on telling you he had a crush on another woman.

But he's learned so much from that and changed so much that ....when you tell him (your motivation for doing so is a whole other topic) that she's no longer anywhere near as attractive and ask his opinion; he doesn't say e.g. "oh well, that's life, isn't it. People's looks change, who knows what's going on with her, I shouldn't have said what I said back then. Anyway, what's are we having for dinner" etc. he decided to say; "doesn't matter, I'll always have a thing for her".

Helpful.

Really sensible.

Really good at defusing and moving on from the "crush" debacle.

He shouldn't have said it in the first place, and he admitted he was wrong and didn't think through how he was acting by doing so ..... But he then repeats and doubles down on it!!

Is he neurodiverse? Because that's the very kindest explanation I could think of for his inability to not repeat & double down on a big mistake, and not to act appropriately.

You, however, chasing him up with the glad tidings that her looks have deteriorated, and pushing him for an opinion .. pushing him to say he wouldn't fancy her now etc. have an issue. Im not sure if it's entirely due to his behaviour or whether it's down to your personality and mental health.

@Lillyx

My friends are joking around saying you can be best friends with her, have her round every night and he won’t fancy her now

I think it's a bit worrying that so many people know he fancies this woman. Surely most people would keep quiet if they had a crush on someone else other than their wife/partner?