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Original poster

Breakup with ex bf/ best friend. Pregnancy?

17 replies

lburns · 24/09/2024 20:38

So the title may be confusing. I'll refer to said ex bf as L. L and I met online and was together 1 year. It happened very quickly. Very much in love. Until he told me he never was. Following this he changed his mind back, he was in love, wanted this, wanted me, wanted to be in my dd life (8). Then blocked me for a month, came back, my mistake for trusting him again, he went off to meet his ex , was cruel and imo taking advantage of me. I never got over him I was kept on a string. It's now 3 &1/2years since we met. We've become close friends, again imo. He literally has 0 friends, I have a couple of mum friends but no one close, we FaceTime every night and see each other occasionally when he makes the 4 hr drive. But it's killing me. I'm still so in love with him. But he describes his feelings towards me so nonchalant. "I care about you in my own way" refuses to talk properly. I'm so upset all the time as we still talk like a couple and act like one. But we're not. Part of the rekindling was because I've been so low lately mentally. I've been struggling day to day due to a series of events. Serious family issues, pregnancy loss etc. my child who is diagnosed asd&adhd& hyper mobile has a difficult time in school anyways but she's been really acting up now for a while , I've had to have many very serious meetings, she's acting up at home ( this began before rekindling) and I'm trying so hard to support her as she grows and faces her own difficulties. I'm in such a rut with my everyday life. To top it off , in the heat of the moment me & L had unprotected intercourse last time I saw him when my dd was having her monthly visit with her dad. And I now believe I'm pregnant. The test line is faint, very early. I've discussed with L and he said he'd pay me money but doesn't want anything to do with it doesn't even want to know the gender doesn't care less and will stop contact with me if I am pregnant.

I am doing my best to be a good mum& hold it together. I know this is more likely severe attachment not love. I have suffered with codependency with my dd's dad - when we met I was 16 he was 20 I was pregnant almost straight away and we was together 4 years so I know I picked up unhealthy habits from this.

Apologies for the rant, I guess I'm asking if anyone has been through any situation similar, how did they escape the rut. How did you move on from someone you've heavily relied on for many years. My only goal is to be the best mum I can be. And be happy. Thank you.

OP posts:
GuestFeatu · 24/09/2024 20:40

You need to cut this man off if you want to be a good mum to your DD. That will be difficult to do if you have his baby.

Original poster
lburns · 24/09/2024 21:37

@GuestFeatu true. However he's made it very clear. He won't want to talk to me or have any involvement. Only bank transfer money.

OP posts:
GuestFeatu · 24/09/2024 22:09

I'm sorry to be rude but you have a very naive/immature understanding of the situation. He's been messing with your head for years, and consequently screwing up your DD. Don't kid yourself that her emotional issues are nothing to do with your relationship with him because you've been preoccupied with him for years. Of course that impacts on your child. And now you believe he's just going to disappear forever while you raise his child for 18 years just sending the odd bit of cash? Having this baby would be a really poor decision. Focus on the child you have who needs you.

Edingril · 24/09/2024 22:28

Why would you do this to a child? Seems to be popular but why can't people put children first for once

TeenLifeMum · 24/09/2024 22:32

Put dd first and stay away from this head fuck of a man.

Original poster
lburns · 25/09/2024 07:36

I admit, I have been very naive with L. It's so hard to let go of the one consistent is what I was meaning& being stuck in a rut with everything else in my life is very difficult.

OP posts:
RitzyMcFee · 25/09/2024 07:40

Having this twat in your life is absolutely no benefit to your daughter. I feel like you are saying that it is. That she is gaining something from this terrible situation. And in my opinion you are using this as an excuse to carry on.

Wanted to be in her life my arse. 🙄 He's just some bloke you had a relationship with for a year. A year! He doesn't need to be in her life.

What do you mean when you say you have relied on him heavily for years?
For what?

RitzyMcFee · 25/09/2024 07:48

everything else in my life is very difficult.

But this is difficult! This isn't an easy relationship. He's treating you badly.

And he's not the one constant. You have your daughter. You have a home, Now you need to fill your life with some other things. Things that aren't this man.

There was a thread the other day about doing something every day for yourself that made you happy. People listed things like stopping and looking at a flower or stroking a cat. Small achievable things which may make you feel like you can get out of this rut you are in.

Go for a walk, join the library, dance about your bedroom that sort of thing.

The top and bottom of it is that you deserve more than pinning your happiness on some wanker.

Original poster
lburns · 25/09/2024 07:55

@RitzyMcFee
Thank you for your reply, depending on him when I'm low I can talk to him, for encouragement, someone to talk to on the days I don't talk to many people, to rant, some what financially, he helps out.

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 25/09/2024 07:58

There's only room for one asshole in your life: your own!

Get rid of this utter blight on the world and go and do a freedom program.

exhaustedmum24 · 25/09/2024 08:16

lburns · 24/09/2024 20:38

So the title may be confusing. I'll refer to said ex bf as L. L and I met online and was together 1 year. It happened very quickly. Very much in love. Until he told me he never was. Following this he changed his mind back, he was in love, wanted this, wanted me, wanted to be in my dd life (8). Then blocked me for a month, came back, my mistake for trusting him again, he went off to meet his ex , was cruel and imo taking advantage of me. I never got over him I was kept on a string. It's now 3 &1/2years since we met. We've become close friends, again imo. He literally has 0 friends, I have a couple of mum friends but no one close, we FaceTime every night and see each other occasionally when he makes the 4 hr drive. But it's killing me. I'm still so in love with him. But he describes his feelings towards me so nonchalant. "I care about you in my own way" refuses to talk properly. I'm so upset all the time as we still talk like a couple and act like one. But we're not. Part of the rekindling was because I've been so low lately mentally. I've been struggling day to day due to a series of events. Serious family issues, pregnancy loss etc. my child who is diagnosed asd&adhd& hyper mobile has a difficult time in school anyways but she's been really acting up now for a while , I've had to have many very serious meetings, she's acting up at home ( this began before rekindling) and I'm trying so hard to support her as she grows and faces her own difficulties. I'm in such a rut with my everyday life. To top it off , in the heat of the moment me & L had unprotected intercourse last time I saw him when my dd was having her monthly visit with her dad. And I now believe I'm pregnant. The test line is faint, very early. I've discussed with L and he said he'd pay me money but doesn't want anything to do with it doesn't even want to know the gender doesn't care less and will stop contact with me if I am pregnant.

I am doing my best to be a good mum& hold it together. I know this is more likely severe attachment not love. I have suffered with codependency with my dd's dad - when we met I was 16 he was 20 I was pregnant almost straight away and we was together 4 years so I know I picked up unhealthy habits from this.

Apologies for the rant, I guess I'm asking if anyone has been through any situation similar, how did they escape the rut. How did you move on from someone you've heavily relied on for many years. My only goal is to be the best mum I can be. And be happy. Thank you.

I totally get your situation.

My situation, I was with my ex husband for over 8 years we had children together got married and 6 months later cheated on me, I was broken, devastated and couldn't understand it, I got depressed and extremely low to the point I tried to commit suicide. I then met an 'L' we was on and off for two years, he was a nightmare he was not very nice to my other children, he wasn't nice to me he was a narcissist I ended up having his child 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄 now I'm stuck with him for a long long time because we have a child, I love my daughter but sometimes wish I hadn't of had her due to him and him only, he uses her as a weapon all the time to try and manipulate and control me.

Don't have this baby, it will tie you with him for 18 years you don't deserve to be picked up and dropped and used by this man, it will become even worse if you have his child! You need to cut all ties with him, block him and delete his number. Focus on yourself and your other child. You deserve more and deserved to be loved and treated how your meant to be.

My eldest son has ADHD and challenging behaviour I struggled for three years with the way he acted up and it made things extremely hard. How old is your child? I found the ages 11-13 was the hardest but I think due to puberty. He has calmed down a lot now just the normal teen attitude I get.

Please please don't have this baby. You will be saving yourself soo much heartbreak, mental and emotional stress and abuse because this L will just make things a whole lot worse, think about your child you already have too it's not fair on her, she can probably already sense things, he's already acting like a prick don't allow him to control you and use you more than he does. Cut him off completely!

Original poster
lburns · 25/09/2024 09:08

@exhaustedmum24
Thank you so much for sharing that with my. My daughter is only 8 but the mood switches& emotions are intensifying rapidly!

Dd struggles are definitely not just audhd related and definitely behavioural. She had to witness dv from her dad against me. We managed to leave and doesn't seem I've left mentally.

I called L over to speak whilst my dd in school as he on holiday. I took another test. Same faint positive. Speaking about options. Mid way through, he gets a text from a random number, it's a female coworker, he's been working with since the new year! He hasn't told me. In his department it was just him and his supervisor but not appears it's the 3 of them. He doesn't text people of give out his number and he's lied for almost a year! Says he did it because he "knew how I'd react to him being around a female." Devastated. In many ways he feels like the only person I can trust truly and that's broken now too.

OP posts:
exhaustedmum24 · 25/09/2024 09:50

lburns · 25/09/2024 09:08

@exhaustedmum24
Thank you so much for sharing that with my. My daughter is only 8 but the mood switches& emotions are intensifying rapidly!

Dd struggles are definitely not just audhd related and definitely behavioural. She had to witness dv from her dad against me. We managed to leave and doesn't seem I've left mentally.

I called L over to speak whilst my dd in school as he on holiday. I took another test. Same faint positive. Speaking about options. Mid way through, he gets a text from a random number, it's a female coworker, he's been working with since the new year! He hasn't told me. In his department it was just him and his supervisor but not appears it's the 3 of them. He doesn't text people of give out his number and he's lied for almost a year! Says he did it because he "knew how I'd react to him being around a female." Devastated. In many ways he feels like the only person I can trust truly and that's broken now too.

Has she had a diagnosis? On meds?

If she has then contact her consultant about this, maybe she needs meds review or increased. Mood swings are normal, my son was diagnosed at 6-7 and he was a nightmare always an issues with school! Constant meetings, exclusions, detentions, part time table and phone calls. He used to vandalise my home, shout and threaten physical abuse, used to call me every name under the sun, he went through a phase of stealing and literally compulsive lying to the point I'd watch him do something and he would argue with me till he was blue in the face that he didn't even though I had just witnessed it, If your having an issue with the school too maybe have a meeting and get a meeting with everyone and get a one plan in place and maybe start the necessary steps into getting an EHCP put in place, my son was struggling for three years with his mainstream high school and finally he was granted an EHCP and is now in a specialist SEN school, he's doing a lot better and seems more settled, it's hard work but you got to fight for it. Also in regard to her seeing things at home she may need to have some therapy or counselling I would defo call the GP too.

Yeah your 'L' is a compulsive liar and just doesn't have any respect for you, he needs to be blocked and deleted fast. You don't need this all on top with your child struggling, he's just a waste of oxygen and not worth your time. As in regards to pregnancy, it is down to you but can you really have this moron in your life given how he's already treating you? Gas lighting you and using you. It wouldn't be fair on you, your child or even the unborn child. Honestly please think about it in the long run and the future. No one would judge you for not going through with the pregnancy it's your body, your life and your choice. This man will not at all be supportive and he will not change his behaviour. Trust me.

Original poster
lburns · 25/09/2024 13:42

Thank you for responding f again. It's definitely codependency he's just told me he's leaving f not long ago and I basically begged him not to leave me on bad terms didn't want him to go. I now feel heartbroken. It's heart breaking why I can't just man up and he the mum my daughter deserves xx

OP posts:
Original poster
lburns · 25/09/2024 17:05

@RitzyMcFee
I've just now gone through some of the ideas via the links you sent me.
I've never seen this before thank you! I appreciate it.

OP posts:
RitzyMcFee · 25/09/2024 17:29

Oh that's good. I had a long study of a thistle today 😂 and I was thinking about this thread.

You can forget to take some time for yourself I think when you are a mother. And climbing Snowdon or going on a spa day just aren't realistic things.

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