Should I just leave it?

[xJessiexJanex]

Hi ladies, I’m just wondering whether I could get some advice please.

So long story short, Myself and my Husband have a rule where we don’t meet up with / hang out with the opposite sex without the other 1 being there. This stems back from having trouble in the past with a woman from a friendship group.

My Husband had met this other woman atleast 3 times that I know ( behind my back ). He was full of excuses but it literally nearly broke us up. He agreed to the ‘rule’ and we had been fine for years since then.

Last weekend I went away to a Hen Do. It was only 45 minutes away and we were getting a lift back after. I managed to get my Mum to babysit so my Husband had 10 of his friends round to watch the Boxing.

Apparently 7 of them drove in so only 3 were drinking. All of the 7 offered the other 3 lifts into town after, but they declined, and got a lift in with 1 of the other friends Sister. She drove them in and went to 2/3 different clubs with them.

When I found out I went mad initially. He downplayed it and said he didn’t realize she was actually going into town with them, and he didn’t fancy her so it didn’t even matter.

I just feel he’s reverted back to how he was acting a few years ago. Am I being too soft or am I going over the top?

This may be nothing to some of you, but to me it’s a big thing.

J x

Over the top reaction. Not too sure what initially happened years ago and what was going on there, but the behind the back behaviour was suspicious then.

Now however you are getting out of context, as i see it he was with a group of friends and one happened to be female. No suggestions that this was done covertly or with any ill intentions. Whatever happened before it is not healthy to prevent friendships with females, as long as they are open and not leave you feeling threatened

If he'd been alone with the woman I could understand your annoyance, but with several of his friends? Not a problem.

Presumably on the hen night you were at, there were men in the general vicinity getting chatted up by your single friends?

What an odd post.

50% of the population are the opposite sex. It's kind of difficult to avoid them.

But he didn't go on a date with her, did he?
Or try to get her alone. YABU.

Over the top. He didn't even know she'd be there.

This is the problem with not actually dealing with issues in a relationship, rather just covering them up. He was presumably inappropriate with a woman at some point in the past - instead of actually getting to the root of that problem and working on it as a couple you just put a (frankly ridiculous) blanket ban on spending any time at all with the opposite sex without your partner's supervision and expected that to just work forevermore. That's not fixed the issue has it, as evidenced by you now enormously overreacting to him spending time in another woman's presence (while also with a group of his friends).

The trust in your relationship is just not there because he broke it years ago and you never did anything to repair that damage, just stuck a band aid on a bullet wound as they say.

I struggle to see how this is practical.
Neither of you ever socialise separately if there will be members of the opposite sex in the group? So you can never go out with colleagues or mixed friend groups unless you bring your OH?

Sounds stifling OP.

As for the woman you had ‘trouble with’ , do you mean your OH had an affair with her?

There are 34.04 million males and 35.09 million females in United Kingdom. You both have seriously limited your interactions by not being able to socialise with members of the opposite sex. I think is a ridiculous rule and extremely controlling. You with trust him or you don't. If he's going to shag about he will inspite of your rules

This

A little bit more context. Basically he had a huge crush on this other girl in our friendship group. They would flirt like mad when I wasn’t there, talk sexually etc. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him being alone with her. He then went on to hang out with her another 3 times after this, coming up with excuses each time. I basically said until he can grow up and be trusted, I didn’t want him being alone with other women when I wasn’t there. I didn’t think it should be an issue really. I easily manage to do it.

You easily manage to avoid half of the human beings with whom you come into contact?

That's impressive. How do you do that?

Completely ott reaction. What did you expect him to do? Leave the whole group and come home or tell this girl to leave?

I'm sorry about what happened to you in the past, however, it sounds like you don't trust him at all. Can you continue living like this?

It really does sound like you don't trust him at all.

You really need to separate what happened in the past from what's happening right now.
Your reaction back then was justified.
But that doesn't justify your reaction right now.

I think your rule also lacks all nuance. If he's in a meeting at work and a woman shows up, is he supposed to leave?
If he's going over to a friends house and his wife happens to come home early, is he supposed to walk out?
You're creating a situation where, even with zero ill intention, he can still break the rule. You're setting him up for failure.

'guys, go ahead without me, Jessie has banned me from being near a woman unless she is there'

Do you have all the males in the places you go alone evacuated?

He can't be trusted and your response was to reduce both your interactions by 50%, and set absolutely unachievable rules rather than dump his arse.

So you don’t trust him and rather than deal with the issue you put a ridiculous unrealistic and very controlling ‘rule’ in place than bans interaction with the opposite sex?

I basically said until he can grow up and be trusted,

How long ago was that? And has he grown up and can be trusted yet? If not, why are you still with him? Will you ever trust him?

He wasn't alone with her though, his friends were there. I think your reaction is OTT and this is a different situation to the previous one. What was he suppose to do leave and go home when he realised his friends sister were having a few drinks with them? I sometimes bump into my brother and his friends when they are out, have a quick drink with them and go. We would both find it bizarre if one of his friends left due to me been there for 30 mins!

I'm not trying to be snarky, but I don't understand why you want to be with someone you can only trust to stay faithful to you because you're controlling every interaction he has with the opposite sex?

I can't actually believe I have read this. It's absolutely absurd and you can't surely live your lives like this? Never being around the opposite sex? The complete lack of trust?

There was times he was alone with this woman. He would come home and tell me how the conversations went, because he ‘had nothing to hide’. He said she was really flirty when it was just them 2 together. I did pull her up on it, and she said something along the lines of ‘Just because I flirt with him, doesn’t mean I want to suck his cock’. My friends would tell me they would flirt when I wasn’t there so neither of them were trying to hide it.

Have you found the unanimous replies useful?

But he wasn’t alone in this situation from the sounds of it, there was a group of them. You either have to trust him or leave him. Yes it’s perfectly acceptable to have boundaries in a relationship but to be thinking of leaving him because he went out with a group and a female was there is just a bit odd.