Should I just leave it?

[xJessiexJanex]

Hi ladies, I’m just wondering whether I could get some advice please.

So long story short, Myself and my Husband have a rule where we don’t meet up with / hang out with the opposite sex without the other 1 being there. This stems back from having trouble in the past with a woman from a friendship group.

My Husband had met this other woman atleast 3 times that I know ( behind my back ). He was full of excuses but it literally nearly broke us up. He agreed to the ‘rule’ and we had been fine for years since then.

Last weekend I went away to a Hen Do. It was only 45 minutes away and we were getting a lift back after. I managed to get my Mum to babysit so my Husband had 10 of his friends round to watch the Boxing.

Apparently 7 of them drove in so only 3 were drinking. All of the 7 offered the other 3 lifts into town after, but they declined, and got a lift in with 1 of the other friends Sister. She drove them in and went to 2/3 different clubs with them.

When I found out I went mad initially. He downplayed it and said he didn’t realize she was actually going into town with them, and he didn’t fancy her so it didn’t even matter.

I just feel he’s reverted back to how he was acting a few years ago. Am I being too soft or am I going over the top?

This may be nothing to some of you, but to me it’s a big thing.

J x

Sounds like you're the one who needs to do some growing up. If you can't trust him you'd both be better off without each other rather than blowing up over the fact he was with a group of people and one of them happened to be a woman.

This is very weird. The original interaction with that specific woman was completely inappropriate, yes. I am not convinced however that th ebest solution is to say he can never be in a social situation in which a woman is present and you are not, it wasn't even no one-on-one! Which is completely impractical. I can think of about a dozen situations where me or DH have been with someone of the opposite sex in a casual social setting in the last few weeks alone!

This situation is such a non-event for any normal, healthy relationship. They were out, there were three men and one woman. In a group.

You have major trust issues.

Oh, and sorry to break it to you, unless you are with hin 24/7 if he wants to spend time with a woman withoout you, notwithstanding your rule, he totally will find a way.

This distrust seems to stem from a past event that involved flirting? My advice would be to leave him if you can't leave the past where it belongs. Women are everywhere (as are men) and there is just no way that somebody can say "I promise to never be in the company of the opposite sex again without you there" and keep that promise. This whole thing comes down to trust issues and, if you don't trust him, definitely leave! What kind of life is living with someone that you clearly don't trust? I wish you the best and I understand that you are clearly hurt by his actions, but this is about you and him and the trust between you. 🌸

I am not sure what the rules are so don’t know if he broke them. Also if he did, is it because he thought you were passed this now?

If the rule is he can’t be alone with a woman then he doesn’t seem to have broken that rule. Unless someone has told you that he and the sister or a woman at a club went off somewhere alone.

Agree with PP. This kind of rule will not stop someone who wants to cheat from cheating. So maybe it’s time to stop policing who you both can speak to, live your lives, and if he starts flirting/sneaking around around again then let him go.

YABU and over the top!

Are you saying you and your husband are never allowed to socialise with mixed male/female groups unless the other is present? That would be stifling! So you only ever meet with women and never go out for a group dinner / drinks as a mixed group, but without your husband? 😵What about work socials? What about sports and hobby groups?

The initial behaviour with the woman in your friendship group was completely unacceptable. It's understandable that your trust is broken. But the rules you've instigated are over the top and unrealistic. Agreeing to no 1to1 social meet ups with the opposite sex would be understandable, many couples have that even when there's been no earlier misbehaviour. But not being in a social situation if any other woman is present is extremely controlling. And if you need that level of control to feel safe in your relationship, then you've got way bigger issues than him hanging out with a group of mates that included someone's sister.

He wasn't alone.
What do you think he should have done?

@xJessiexJanex
That's no way to live. If you forgive him. You need to get on as normal.
If you don't, you need to go your separate ways.
This isn't healthy

They are both so disrespectful to you.
Can't you cut them all out?

Well I understand why, given your DH's previous behaviour you don't really trust him.

I also think his response that he "didn't fancy her so it didn't matter" is rather worrying: what does that mean? If he had fancied her he would have tried it on with her ? He does sound as though he has an eye for other women.

But I don't think the answer is to monitor every interaction he has with other females. If you really can't trust him there isn't a future in your relationship.

Jesus Christ, you sound unhinged! He wasn't even alone with her. You're giving bunny boiler vibes to me.

This is the crux of it after your update

Because he said 'he didn't fancy her'
So if he had she'd have been falling at his feet??
You don't trust him - simple. It's sounds like you're all 12.

But what has this got to do with him being in a group and having one of the friends sister hanging around the group briefly?

Your DH was absolutely wrong in the past with that one woman, and he shouldn't be establishing alone time with other women...but I'm not seeing the relevance with the group context. He's not even friends with the sister. She just happened to be there in the group momentarily.

But I get it. I could never trust someone once they've done something to break my trust, but in that case I'd just end the relationship. I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel like I have to micromanage someone's behaviour because I would feel they could cheat or be inappropriate if I don't. That kind of relationship doesn't feel good and just doesn't work.

So I didn’t realize, the sister was taking videos of my husband in the nightclub with her and putting them on Snapchat. Her brother wasn’t in the videos, so it was made to look like it was just them 2 together. I found this a bit strange. I don’t have Snapchat so my friend had to tell me.

Are you a teenager or something?

Why do we need to be teenagers to have rules in our relationship?

It's not just that, your entire behaviour on this post is so immature.

There are rules that maybe make sense and then there is just controlling behaviour. If you don't trust him/he has previous/has a wondering eye, then no amount of rules will change that. He will just cover his tracks. If he wants to cheat or seek attention from other women, he will.

However in the example you just posted, I think you are being very over the top. Had he been spending time one on one with another woman then I'd be saying you can do better.

You don't trust him and you've fallen into the trap of trying to police and control him where you should have just dumped him.

A relationship without trust isn't really worth the headspace and heartache. It's making you behave in unhealthy ways and this is not a healthy relationship.

You'd probably be relieved if you ended it.

Doesn't sound like a happy relationship tbh. You don't trust him and he doesn't respect you enough to listen.

You should separate.

As per your topic title, should you just leave it? Yes. Massive, insecure overreaction on your part.

If someone was dictating to me the terms and conditions of my social life, they'd be binned so fast. Utterly controlling, whatever the past history.

You're never going to trust him and when the trust is gone the relationship is dead.

You should leave it, yes….if ‘it’ is your relationship. Rules and no trust? You sound unhinged and you’ll both be better off without each other in a relationship where you can breathe.

You sound controlling, nothing anyone says seems to be registering.

What? Either you trust each other or you don't.