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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I just leave it?

76 replies

xJessiexJanex · 24/09/2024 11:22

Hi ladies, I’m just wondering whether I could get some advice please.

My Husband had met this other woman atleast 3 times that I know ( behind my back ). He was full of excuses but it literally nearly broke us up. He agreed to the ‘rule’ and we had been fine for years since then.

Last weekend I went away to a Hen Do. It was only 45 minutes away and we were getting a lift back after. I managed to get my Mum to babysit so my Husband had 10 of his friends round to watch the Boxing.

Apparently 7 of them drove in so only 3 were drinking. All of the 7 offered the other 3 lifts into town after, but they declined, and got a lift in with 1 of the other friends Sister. She drove them in and went to 2/3 different clubs with them.

When I found out I went mad initially. He downplayed it and said he didn’t realize she was actually going into town with them, and he didn’t fancy her so it didn’t even matter.

I just feel he’s reverted back to how he was acting a few years ago. Am I being too soft or am I going over the top?

This may be nothing to some of you, but to me it’s a big thing.

J x

OP posts:

Pherian · 28/09/2024 02:30

I think you both need counselling individually and together.

Alifefulloflemons · 28/09/2024 05:43

This sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship tbh. There will be instances where your husband will be around other females without you such as at work/socials. It cannot be avoided completely! The actual issue here is your husband's lack of self control around women he may be attracted to and your inability to trust him. If your husband can't be trusted around other women, it's time to show him the front door!

Here2talk · 28/09/2024 06:18

If I'm honest, it sounds like you deserve better. You shouldn't need to have rules like this in a relationship, and the fact he tells you he’s flirted and met up with this OW seems like a cover-up, so he can tell you he is soooo honest. RED FLAG.

I think, however, the rule of never hanging out with someone of the opposite sex without each other is unrealistic. Yes, in a 1-1 setting, I understand, but when he's with a group of other people and you aren't there. It just seems too much.

I completely support how you feel and understand why you'd want to do this. However, if I had to have these rules in my relationshipt, I'd accept hat he wasn't the one for me.

Bananalanacake · 28/09/2024 06:36

What if he goes out with people from work to a pub or restaurant and there are female colleagues there.

Blushingm · 28/09/2024 06:43

xJessiexJanex · 24/09/2024 11:53

A little bit more context. Basically he had a huge crush on this other girl in our friendship group. They would flirt like mad when I wasn’t there, talk sexually etc. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him being alone with her. He then went on to hang out with her another 3 times after this, coming up with excuses each time. I basically said until he can grow up and be trusted, I didn’t want him being alone with other women when I wasn’t there. I didn’t think it should be an issue really. I easily manage to do it.

You are so controlling!

If you don't trust him let him leave - no adult should have rules about who the can and can't gang out with.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 28/09/2024 07:11

So long story short, Myself and my Husband have a rule where we don’t meet up with / hang out with the opposite sex without the other 1 being there. This stems back from having trouble in the past with a woman from a friendship group.
I assumed this was one on one, but you mean even in a group? This rule is nuts. You are being controlling, you are setting him up to fail, this is not an ok way to treat anyone. Ifyou posted saying your DH was doing this to you people would tell you he was controlling and abusive and say you need to LTB. You need to get counselling and see if you can fix this messed up dynamic, individually first then together to solve the issues. What he wasn't ok, but that doesn't justify you being controlling like this.

imverynosey · 28/09/2024 07:22

Your relationship sounds really unhealthy but I do get it as I am the same and don't like my partner talking to girls on nights out. The thought enrages me actually..
but I think if he didn't know she was coming out and didn't do anything wrong then I don't think it's a problem at all

Imbusytodaysorry · 28/09/2024 07:42

You had an agreement and he broke it .
I can see why you don’t trust him .

7 men could drive then to town but the one time your away there is a female there . He is also close enough to have then on social media close together.

Honestly I don’t think your man is a good one .
Soon as he gets a chance seems like he goes against the basis of the relationship. He knows which boundaries not to cross and did it .

GreenFields07 · 28/09/2024 07:47

First of all, you dont BOTH have a rule. You have a rule, he just had to go along with it to save your relationship.
Secondly, you sound unhinged, controlling and completely unreasonable. I might understand no 1-1 interactions with a woman, but in a group setting is just ridiculous.
Also, you say this rule was supposed to be in place until he grew up and basically when you could trust him again. So after all these years maybe he believed that you were passed it. If you're not passed it OP after so long, why are you even together? Controlling his social interactions is madness and will come back to bite you. As PPs have said, a cheater will find a way to cheat no matter the 'rules'. Dont we all technically have a no cheating rule in our relationship? Doesn't stop people cheating! You're just going to make him feel trapped, controlled, and probably push him into doing something anyway. If you dont trust him then id recommend moving on for both your sakes and stop wasting your time.

pictoosh · 28/09/2024 08:01

I sympathise with your point of view but realistically you can't hope to impose such a rule on anyone. I agree with the previous poster who says it's YOUR rule, not his. If he's going to cheat your rule will have no impact. Otherwise, what is it you expect to happen?
"Yeah I can't come as I'm not allowed to talk to women without my wife there. Have a good time."

It just can't be. What a silly, abitrary rule.

NewSchoolYearRevamp · 28/09/2024 08:17

I can see you not wanting him to spend time with that particular woman or perhaps 1-2-1 time with any woman but he’s going too far to say he can’t spend time in a mixed group without you there I believe. Surely there needs to be some trust. If you have issues with what’s in the snap chat videos then that’s different. I also see he broke the rule but it seems an unreasonable rule.

zeibesaffron · 28/09/2024 09:14

I share an office with 1x female and 2 x men - when shes on holiday it’s just me and them, would this not be allowed?

This rule is not workable, it’s more to do with you don’t trust him and only you know whether that is something you can live with long term. If someone wants to flirt - they will do it anyway- rule or no rule.

Together you need to really understand his hurtful behaviour from previously because that was unacceptable and see what other things will make you feel supported going forward.

I may have misread it but one of his mates sisters gave him and other friends a lift into town and she went clubbing with them all? So there was a group of them and he wasn’t on his own with anyone? If thats the case then yes YABU.

RedToothBrush · 28/09/2024 09:16

Myself and my Husband have a rule where we don’t meet up with / hang out with the opposite sex without the other 1 being there.

This is not a healthy happy relationship.

This is unworkable long term. Trust has gone.

Emmz1510 · 28/09/2024 09:29

Way over the top OP. Don’t you work with any men? Do you socialise in places where only women frequent? You don’t need this rule. If there is no trust in a relationship then it is dead in the water.

Navyontop · 28/09/2024 09:32

First off, how old are you?
Your post reads as if a very young person wrote it. If you are not very young (I’d say under 22), you probably need some introspection.
It’s not normal to distrust your own partner so much, did your father repeatedly cheat on your mother? Or similar?
It’s also not normal to attempt to ban your partner from being alone or friends with over 50% of the entire global population. I don’t personally buy into this notion of men and women being unable to be friends, I have plenty of male friends- In your defense, I don’t flirt with them though.

In summary it sounds like your partner is disrespecting you (by flirting with another woman and bragging about it), probably through ignorance more than anything else. But yes, he sounds like an AH.

fruitbrewhaha · 28/09/2024 09:35

Doesn’t sound like a relationship I’d want to be in.

Velvian · 28/09/2024 09:49

This is not a healthy relationship. It must be so stressful to sustain this and be thinking about it all the time.

You should have ended it when the trust was was broken. You have to trust your other half for a relationship to survive. To trust that they are keeping your relationship as a top priority whatever situation they are in and whoever they are with. If something happens to break the trust, it's over.

Being distrustful is not going to prevent something happening, it is only going to cause you a lot of unnecessary stress.

Garlicnaan · 28/09/2024 09:53

I can understand wanting to avoid the 1 on 1 relationships. Some friends of mine have a rule about not being 1 on 1 with certain people including exes due to issues in the past.

But in a group, not having anyone of the opposite sex there? What not even a mate's partner? That's insane.

Seaoftroubles · 28/09/2024 10:01

OTT reaction.This bears no resemblance to the previous crush incident as he was in a group of friends this time.
You should have ended the relationship when he first overstepped boundaries as your current 'rules' are unsustainable.
If you want a healthier relationship then please seek counselling to help you move forward.

Notimeforaname · 28/09/2024 10:09

I basically said until he can grow up and be trusted, I didn’t want him being alone with other women when I wasn’t there. I didn’t think it should be an issue really. I easily manage to do it.

This is controlling. You sound like his mother not his partner.

You should not be with someone you don't trust.

You really think its reasonable and normal that in order to be part of a couple, you are not allowed to spend time with 50% of the human race, unless chaperoned by your partner??? You don't think this sounds mad??!!!

Welshmonster · 28/09/2024 13:00

He can’t afford being alone with women for the rest of his life. He has female colleagues, friend’s female partners etc

if you can’t trust him then end it and build a relationship with trust in it as you will drive yourself crazy.

it doesn’t sound like he was alone but with friends who probably know about his crazy wife’s rule and laugh about it.

Swiftie1878 · 28/09/2024 14:22

xJessiexJanex · 25/09/2024 17:07

Why do we need to be teenagers to have rules in our relationship?

Show quote history

Your rule is ridiculous and teenage sounding.
Either you trust him or you don’t. Decide, and then move on.

Noglitterallowed · 28/09/2024 15:15

This is absolutely insane! Imagine telling a grown adult who they can and can’t be in the company of? Why are you even together because either you trust him or you don’t. Seems an absolute over reaction on your part.

Noglitterallowed · 28/09/2024 15:16

This is the type of thing that will surely be mentioned in the group as a massive laugh for everyone

Bumblebeestiltskin · 28/09/2024 15:36

xJessiexJanex · 24/09/2024 11:53

He's not going to change. You 'banning' him from talking to women won't make you feel better, because you'll be forever worrying about what he's doing that you don't know about. Sounds an absolutely miserable way to live.

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