Overly kind mother in law

[Vix190]

My mother in law has 5 grandchildren. 3 are mine and 2 are my sister in law's. My children are younger than my nephews.
Before my children were born, my mother in law spoiled my nephew's and would take over a little gift or something everytime she saw them. This could be something as simple from a cake or biscuit to a new outfit/toy for them that she just knew they would love. This is totally her choice and unbelievably kind however over the years I noticed that the boys were more interested in what they could get from her rather than spending time with her.
In contrast, i am hoping to find a way of asking her to stop doing this with my children (4, 2 and new born). I don't want them to think that grandmas just give them presents and I want them to understand and recognise the value of things. I would prefer they only received gifts at appropriate times (particularly bigger gifts) and that they learned the value of items - at the moment she spoils them which is lovely! But it's just something I don't feel comfortable with. My husband has had a chat with her before about this and she just says "it's my money and I'll spend it how I like" which I also understand.

Does anyone know what to do in this situation? Am I being ungrateful? My husband agrees with me and does most of the speaking to her about other things but this is just something that really annoys me. On the face of it she just wants to buy our kids presents but I want them to understand the value of their belongings, patience and working hard for what you get.

I used to love going to my grandmas and getting a bit of money or something from them. I didn’t expect it. I was hugely appreciative and have fond memories of my grandad’s treats. i think it’s up to you as a parent to reiterate gratitude and if you see your child being entitled pulling them on it.

I don't know, my mother spoiled all her 13 grandchildren, now that they are adults they love to spend time with her. And not for presents! I would try to just enjoy it and not over think it?

I understand you wanting to decide how you want to raise your children.
However, you can't control their entire environment and eliminate every influence that goes against those values.

Grandparents don't need to raise their grandchildren. That's on you. They get to spoil them and be a bit more fun and free.

You need to ask yourself a few questions.
Is what she's doing really that bad? Or could you maybe be a bit rigid when it comes to parenting? Wanting things to be exactly your way/done perfectly? Because your children aren't growing up in a perfect and predictable world, and we shouldn't try to shelter them from every influence that differences from ours. That makes children rigid and inflexible and unable to adapt to changing situations.

Second, do you really want to be the person who hinders people in developing a close relationship with your children? Because once you start to dictate how people can behave around your children, especially with well meaning people who love your children, you're activity hindering those relationships from developing naturally.

And finally, is this really the hill you want to die on? Can you not trust that you are going to have much bigger influence on your children, which will always compensate for whatever things they pick up outside of their family? Can you not trust in your ability to teach your children moderation? Does it have to be how everyone approaches them? You as their mum surely must have other ways to teach them what's important in life?

My MIL gave her our DC something every time she saw them, mostly a chocolate bar, sometimes fruit, a comic, sometimes cash.

She isn't with us anymore.

They all loved her, because she was really kind to them, not for the gifts.

I would let it go and be really thankful your DC have a kind granny who will leave your kids feeling loved and with happy memories.

It won't affect their outlook on life if you are teaching them to be grateful to granny for her treats. Accept that grandparents will want to spoil their grandchildren - it's an honour and a privilege for them. She's not parenting your kids, you are doing that. She's grandparenting them and that's a completely different thing.

Treat her with as much kindness as she treats you all and you have the strong foundation for your children to grow up in a loving family. How lovely.

Just tell her not to spend much money. A comic or a wee bar of choc is just a loving gesture. Both grans did this with our two growing up and my main gripe was I was running out of room but it didn’t spoil them. My DH spoiled them much more and I did argue with him always spending money unnecessarily! But it’s better to have overly generous grans than tight ones. Today they are in their twenties and love both their grans a lot. For their personalities not their gifts!

I want them to understand the value of their belongings, patience and working hard for what you get.

You can still teach them this.

You can also teach them to ask their gran thoughtful questions about herself etc.

Nurturing kind, caring children is a work in progress and won't be ruined by granny never turning up empty handed.

It will be you and your husband that influence how your children respond to the presents. It will be you and your husband who talk to your children about the experiences they have with their grandmother. You will pass on your values.
My mother-in-law once announced that she had some money for our 4 children so now "they would have to come and see her". They carried on seeing her just as much as they had before, just as much as a 100 mile journey, and studies, allowed. Because they had been raised by us to value more than just money.

The relationship between grandparent and grandchild is independent of you - they should run it their way.

However, you’re dead right. Kids can be grabby and encouraging that ain’t a good idea. A gentle word with the kids if granny can’t see it.

Can you share your concern with her and ask her what she thinks of them.

You can tell her that she is really lovely and the children are very lucky to have her as their grandparent. You can say that you are a little worried that joy of material gifts distracting or detracting from them from recognising this and ask her what her thought are.

This way you can work through it together.

I think it's lovely for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren. My grandparents often gave us some sweets or biscuits, comics and books and little toys when we visited or when they came to us. It's a special relationship with a grandparent who just thinks you're wonderful and doesn't have to worry about how they are bringing you up, like parents do! Let it go OP and just let your children enjoy being spoiled by their Gran!

It's the job of grandparents to spoil their grandkids

I do see where you are coming from but my grandparents bought me gifts, my kids grandparents bought them gifts.

I think you'll really struggle to stop her and to be honest I'm not sure you should try.

Your husband was wrong to have a chat with her about the gifts , and she was right . It’s her money and she will spend it how she likes. I wouldn’t appreciate my son marching down the orders with me like that . It is however your position to instill gratitude in your children so they appreciate what is given to them . The gifts in itself will not spoil a child, their reception to it is what spoils them if they don’t appreciate it. My little granddaughter always thanks me when I buy her something when I go out with her because I can’t help it when I see something I know she will love .And these are just little cheap things from the op shop sometimes . Of course the time I spend with her is much more important but little gifts ? Really , no harm done . I do also help her to appreciate them.

I would let it go.

You can teach your children the importance of love without gifts separately to this. It's not unusual for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren and they'll understand this and have very fond memories when they grow up.

My mum died six months before I fell pregnant, my daughter is 3, I'd give my right arm for her to be here to spoil her rotten.

Nope grandchildren are supposed to he spoiled by grandparents

I personally think it’s in the power of parents to shape how their young DC are with grandparents. I always encouraged my kids to be polite, respectful and to engage and get excited about the time with my parents - and they did! They were generous with gifts but the relationship endured beyond that. My adult children still visit them independently.

@Vix190 , your MIL is interfering with your parental responsibility. Tell her she can do what she likes with her money but she cannot, CANNOT do what she likes with your children. Remind her they are not hers. If she attempts to give your children gifts immediately take them and say you are keeping them for Christmas/birthdays.

I think what you could do here op is focus on how kind and thoughtful it is with your kids, help them to recognise the effort that went into each gift rather than the gift itself. And maybe the kids could think of something they'd like to get for granny every now and again so they can return the gesture?

Alternatively you could suggest that if she wants to spoil them she could give them a little money for their money box so you can help them learn about saving etc. But to be honest I think it's a grandparents perogative to spoil and I think it could be worse if they grow up seeing a difference in how she treats them vs their cousins. Whereas how they react to presents is something kids can be taught and helped to understand?

I have found all your responses really interesting to read. I barely saw my grandmothers apart from Christmas so I wonder if that's influencing my judgement on this. I don't think anyone is ever wrong for politely expressing how they feel about a subject but the question of whether this is the hill I want to die on is very valid.

Thank you for all your responses.

I often got given stuff by my grandparents. My grandma is 94 now and we have a great relationship, although now she spoils my kids! 😂

As a grandma I get so much joy treating my grandchildren.When my children were young I didn’t have the money to buy extras ! Try not too overthink it .
My children,as adults can remember my lovely Mum (their Grandma) slipping £5 to them for pocket money..just great memories!

I think this is fine. You can teach your kids that they need to work for things, but nobody needs to work for little bits from their granny.

@Icanthinkformyselfthanks what a harsh reply. I love to spoil my grandchildren with little gifts even though they are adults . I am not trying to parent them I did all that with their parents !

"This could be something as simple from a cake or biscuit to a new outfit/toy for them that she just knew they would love. This is totally her choice and unbelievably kind"

A grandma giving her grandkids a biscuit and enjoying seeing their little faces light up is not "unbelievably kind". Don't patronise her.

This is definitely not the hill to die on, let her treat them.

We don't have family nearby so we don't have help but the one benefit is we don't have them bringing junk over all the time!

If your husband's already spoken to her, I think you might have to get used to it, sorry. If visits aren't every week and the gifts aren't too big, it's not too much of an issue. Any expectation will be limited to their relationship with her. If you are limiting as a parent what you get them and teach them to value things, one relative shouldn't spoil them too much.