Overly kind mother in law

[Vix190]

My mother in law has 5 grandchildren. 3 are mine and 2 are my sister in law's. My children are younger than my nephews.
Before my children were born, my mother in law spoiled my nephew's and would take over a little gift or something everytime she saw them. This could be something as simple from a cake or biscuit to a new outfit/toy for them that she just knew they would love. This is totally her choice and unbelievably kind however over the years I noticed that the boys were more interested in what they could get from her rather than spending time with her.
In contrast, i am hoping to find a way of asking her to stop doing this with my children (4, 2 and new born). I don't want them to think that grandmas just give them presents and I want them to understand and recognise the value of things. I would prefer they only received gifts at appropriate times (particularly bigger gifts) and that they learned the value of items - at the moment she spoils them which is lovely! But it's just something I don't feel comfortable with. My husband has had a chat with her before about this and she just says "it's my money and I'll spend it how I like" which I also understand.

Does anyone know what to do in this situation? Am I being ungrateful? My husband agrees with me and does most of the speaking to her about other things but this is just something that really annoys me. On the face of it she just wants to buy our kids presents but I want them to understand the value of their belongings, patience and working hard for what you get.

Oh dear, I hope you aren't my DIL!!!! I always take a little something (or occasionally a bigger something) when I see my grandchildren. And my husband is the same. Thankfully they have never expected it but we always do. I suppose it's just to let them know I am thinking of them when I am not with them through maybe picking up a souvenir anywhere I go or something they may like in the supermarket. Yes I spoil them but no one has ever seemed to mind, I was spoilt by my grandparents too, and my parents most certainly spoilt my children. So for us as a family it is the norm.

My mum did this with DS. She’ll stop when they get a bit older. I don’t think it does any harm. She’s just expressing her love.

I’ve just responded to another of your posts. It seems you have a problem with your in laws. The problem is yours.

Grandparents spoil their grandchildren. That’s life. If they didn’t you’d be complaining that they don’t. Grandparents can’t win on MN.

My DC’s grandparents spoil them from time to time. I’m not going to grumble about that. I wouldn’t grumble if they didn’t. My DC feel loved, regardless of gifts. That’s what matters.

My sons grandparent buy nothing for our son except or birthday and Christmas. In the 10 years, she's never bought him a sweetie, never taken him on a day out or baked cake with him or done gardening with him. They've no relationship because ifnthe lack of effort.
Theb there's my mum who spoils my child like there's no tomorrow. My son doesn't act spoilt. But ojlne thing I can say is he feels lived by her and that to me is worth far more than teying to teach them something about value of money when you could easily do that when they are older and understand and they have pocket money. That's when they learn. If I was this lady I'd tell you to take a run and jump.

This is exactly what my Nan told me, it’s her way of showing that she’s always thinking of us even when we aren’t together. My memories of her aren’t all the things she bought me, I remember watching titanic in the best room, making biscuits, playing with the button box, sleeping over and staying up late with her but my fave of all was she made the best pie ever. Now I’m crying thinking of all the times we had and how much I miss her!

Ask her to set up an ISa or childrens saving account for them or premium bonds for them so they can access it at 18 and then suggest she offer a small gift for regular occasions or a big gift for significant occasions as an alternative. They could put it towards a car or driving lessons or something of value when they reach adulthood. She probably wants them to appreciate money too but wants to have a little treat for them at the same time.

My Mum has always spoiled her grand daughters. Ever since they were tiny. They're both grown up now but incredibly close to her. They're also very appreciative of anything they get, they always have been.

Now that they're grown up & driving they choose to spend time with her. They're incredibly close to her The eldest will detour on her way down from uni to spend an hour or so with her Gran before heading home. They both took her out for afternoon tea recently.

Being spoiled hasn't made them brats or greedy because my brother & SIL have brought them up well.

Just because your brothers children appear more interested in what they can get doesn't mean yours will.

I wouldn't police it but I would aim to raise your children to be grateful for gifts and not expect them.

Another entitled grandma! And a thread full of them!
Just express how you’re feeling. You don’t want the children to become spoiled or have an expectation of material items every time they see her, that you want them to look forward to time spent together not things she gives them. If she says “it’s my choice” etc., say firmly, no it isn’t, they’re my children and this is my choice not yours. If she won’t stop, don’t take them anymore! She doesn’t get to railroad your parenting decisions because she thinks she has a right to act in a certain way.

I think maybe I havent explained this very well. My nephew's expect a present everytime she arrives and can be quite ungrateful. I am fearful that my children are starting to become the same (the eldest particularly) however I am very strict on manners and have had a chat with my son about making sure we do nice things for grandma to show we love her too.

It was never about me thinking she was an awful mother in law or grandma. I also have a newborn so I'm probably overthinking as well.

Thanks for everyone's advice/opinions.

I agree with this. You're trying to control granny so she'll fit in with your directive.
Just let it be fgs. There's no harm being done except in your imagination.

Back off.
Teach them to be kind and grateful, get them to write her notes to say thank you or give hugs etc. Don’t be controlling. She is your DH territory anyway, not yours.

My mum is a bit like this.
I channel itrather than stop it

she brings "healthy snacks", nice food and fruit a lot.
Especially weird and exotic fruit they eat them together, its cute
Also smoked salmon if we have brunch as my dd loves it.

With clothes we "do the sales" and she buys a couples of big bags of stufffor each on mine.
this means she gets to see them wornover the course of the year i get to say " hmm that dress might be a bit scratchy and itchy...." "those dungarees have no stretch or poppers so might not be practical" ir just "lets buy the next size up so we get more wear."

We also discussed importance of wealth gap and how thats more helpful than £90 dugarees and she agrees so she puts money in kids isas now as well as still buying stuff vs just buying all the stuff all the time.

she still brings all kinds random toys as well but its reduced ij frequency slightly and she loves doing it so i try and go with it where i can.

@Vix190 one way to help your dc to be considerate is to be generous back at their own level. We used to give ours extra ‘gift buying’ money in the run up to Christmas and take them shopping to buy for their relatives. They’d then wrap and handover gifts in the same way as everyone else.
When they make a craft at school, intend it ‘for grandma’s birthday’ etc. I still have the mug and hedgehogs that I made for my grandma when I was at school.
They can pick her a flower from your garden when they visit her, or make her a cup of tea.

It’s great that you see the dangers, but there’s more than one way of addressing it.

I agree with a PP, you are over thinking here, I can’t see the harm if MIL wants to buy a gift.

I had a wonderful late MIL who was so generous with her time, and would often buy little gifts, my boys absolutely adored her and never expected anything, they were always happy to see her, regardless of gifts.

I think this says more about the way you're nephews have been brought up than your MiL.
My children had small gifts from both grandma's. They also played games with them and were interested their lives. It's about the whole relationship not just one aspect.

Don't impose rules on your MiL, she sounds lovely and isn't doing anything wrong.

My advice would be to stop worrying about stuff like this and enjoy your kids and enjoy your MILs love for your kids. That's what's important. You can easily teach them good manners.

My kids have had a very privileged upbringing and as adults continue to be 'spoilt'. They are all very lovely, hard working, responsible and polite adults. None of them are materialistic either. If 'receiving stuff made people spoilt then all the rich kids would be spoilt and all the skint kids would be little angels and it clearly doesn't work like that.

I think it depends a bit on how often she sees them. If it's 3x a week then might be excessive. If it's once a week a little treat like a biscuit is perfectly ok. Afterall, I certainly treat myself to a little something - a little cookie or a pastry etc - once a week! If it's 1x month or less I would probably not interfere at all unless the gifts were excessive.

Gift giving is some people's love language, and to remove it from them will make them feel very hurt. My MIL is like this. My other half sees parents almost weekly and never leaves theirs without some random little gift - a packet of biscuits, half a melon, some random garden tool from the garage they're passing on, a packet of microwaveable rice, a houseplant cutting which I then have to try and keep alive... it's just her little way of saying she loves him and that she was thinking of him when she was in Aldi or whatever. I have no doubt whatsoever that when little one arrives that's going to turn into a menagerie of fluffy creatures and lots of tiny outfits... I actually thought they might have started appearing by now but suspect they exist and they want to give them to baby in person!

Ah teach your children about kindness and love,, it comes in different forms. This is this grandma's way... don't stop her. Teach them to appreciate not expect things. Her actions are not 'spoiling them'. Being spoilt is not about what they receive but about how they respond and subsequently behave.

Well yes just keep emphasising manners. No need to ban gifts, you can teach children how to respond to them.

My grandma gave me 10p every time she visited (weekly). This remains one of my main memories of her 50 years on.
As long as grandma knows it's ok to come without a present, as long as the giving of treats isn't daily, as long as it's not affecting grandma's quality of life financially, I really would do nothing.
Children soon learn that grandmas are a whole different country - different rules, different foods, different standards.
My dc range from 30 down to 22 now and their grandma is 88 - they still eyeroll at grandma turning up with a box of their favourite Mr Kiplings.

Ah, just see your update. You just have to keep emphasising that in your house you are thankful and appreciate of every gift, and that you mustn't come to expect. Sometimes grandma won't have time or (as they get older) the money. And sometimes dgc will do nice things for grandma (helping weed her garden, dust all her toby jugs 🙄). Being kind and looking after each other works both ways.
At my dc's ages it's giving her their password for Netflix and National Geographic for her tv, and driving her to her clubs.

You can’t control what she does, but you can control how your children respond to her kindness.
Whenever she gives them a gift, make sure they stop what they’re doing and look her in the eyes and say thank you. A hug and a kiss too, if they wish.

When she’s gone home make sure they create a little thank you card or record a little video saying thank you again, to send to her.

You can teach your kids gratitude without stopping grandma from spoiling them.

I wouldn't worry about it.
MIL never turned up empty handed and had a special cupboard in her house that my DC were directed to for a treat as soon as they arrived at her house and they have both grown up to be very unspoilt and understand and appreciate the value of things. Once DS did head straight for the cupboard when he was around 6/7 before greeting anyone but we corrected him and he never did it again