Overly kind mother in law

[Vix190]

My mother in law has 5 grandchildren. 3 are mine and 2 are my sister in law's. My children are younger than my nephews.
Before my children were born, my mother in law spoiled my nephew's and would take over a little gift or something everytime she saw them. This could be something as simple from a cake or biscuit to a new outfit/toy for them that she just knew they would love. This is totally her choice and unbelievably kind however over the years I noticed that the boys were more interested in what they could get from her rather than spending time with her.
In contrast, i am hoping to find a way of asking her to stop doing this with my children (4, 2 and new born). I don't want them to think that grandmas just give them presents and I want them to understand and recognise the value of things. I would prefer they only received gifts at appropriate times (particularly bigger gifts) and that they learned the value of items - at the moment she spoils them which is lovely! But it's just something I don't feel comfortable with. My husband has had a chat with her before about this and she just says "it's my money and I'll spend it how I like" which I also understand.

Does anyone know what to do in this situation? Am I being ungrateful? My husband agrees with me and does most of the speaking to her about other things but this is just something that really annoys me. On the face of it she just wants to buy our kids presents but I want them to understand the value of their belongings, patience and working hard for what you get.

I still remember my grandfather visiting with nonsense presents. I used to love them. Such a thrill. I don't think you can control others and your daughters will love these - also what if one day they exchange notes with your nephews and discover the difference in treatment?

As someone who gets great joy from giving gifts I would suggest you as yours get older involve them in finding little things mil might like so sometimes they have a gift for grandma. Teach them the joy of giving as well as receiving.

I am also of the view that they will be fine as long as you steer them right in how to manage it.

My grandma always had small bags of Haribo in her handbag and I remember it fondly. She didn't have a lot but she had a full heart for her grandchildren and children.. sounds like your mil does too?

Grandparents spoil their grandchildren. They just do.

Mine would buy cream soda and cherry aide and slip me five pound notes when I left. I adored them and visited long into adulthood when the gift giving was in the other direction. My parents also spoil my DC. They potter in the garden together for hours, come to sports day and piano recitals, and frame their drawings. There are also presents and they buy things we wouldn’t think of and the children are thrilled by. I don’t think anyone dies from too much love and it’s actually very good for all parties. I’d let the children’s relation with their grandparents be their own and on whatever terms works for them.

You’ll set the tone for your children’s values and manners.

My adult children and their cousins gave a eulogy at my MILs funeral. It was full of their love for her, and included her love of spoiling them with sweets.

But their relationship wasn't about 'here's grandma, what's she going to give us?' at all. The giving of treats was just a minute of their overall interaction. And they were encouraged by us to give and do things for her, too.

If your nephews are grasping, that's down to their parents not managing the situation.

I am going against the flow here and I am a grandmother. If you don’t want your children to have the stuff just tell your MIL no. If your MIL wants to spoil your children she can take them out. My children do not want their children to have cake sweets etc as they don’t want them to think sugar is a big treat. They also live in small houses with not so much storage space. Your MIL can buy toys and keep them at her house.
My mother also used to buy my children rubbish they didn’t want and used to tell me/them it was because she couldn’t afford toys etc when I was young. Yes she could have bought my siblings and I more toys but she preferred to go to the pub!

I am a grandmother. I give little treats to my GC .... nothing large. It is an entirely benign activity.
I do make sure they are things that their parents would not disapprove of.
The GC do not just see me as a source of treats ... they value the things we do together ... cooking, art, card games, crafts etc. etc.
They are warm and loving towards me .... maybe because I am warm and loving to them, expressing pride in their achievements and having fun with them.
They like the treats ... but that is not the whole story.

100% this

Could you make up a rule of "nothing over a fiver or bigger than a can of soup unless Christmas birthday Easter (or whatever events you celebrate) as we don't want to spoil the children or rot their teeth and we don't have storage space. The best gift you can give them is your time with them. They look forward to seeing you"

This message must be delivered by DH if it's his mum. Not you.

OP - your kids values are not going to be misshapen by little treats their gm gives them.
Your nephews being spoilt has little to do with her - and all to do with their parents.
Cakes and treats are not gifts. This is not a fight you need to pick with your MIL.
So many people come on here complaining about in-laws being uninvolved and uncaring - probably like your gm used to be.
Your kids are lucky to have a nice grandma.

Maybe instead of trying to control how she loves her grandkids - model gratitude and appreciation for your kids to learn?

i think you should stop trying to control what she does.

Some of my favourite memories of one set of grandparents is the old tobacco tin filled with pounds and 2 pound coins. At the end of every visit get one from the tin and a Werthers. It was really my grandads thing but my nanny took up the gauntlet after his passing. All the grandkids wanted the tobacco tin when she passed 🤣

It wasn't about the money even then a pound didn't offer much but it was the love and the conversation it sparked that lived with us all.

God I miss them.

All that to say you can turn this into a battle or a memory making experience. There must be a common ground there somewhere. Especially if it's usually sweets/cakes etc. They'll be able to sit in their 30s and say aw do you remember the cake nan bought, what was it? Lots of googling and finding they don't make it any more or its a tenth of the size it was when they ate it 🤣

I think this is a mindset that stems from a subconscious belief that your children belong to you and aren't actually people in their own right. Their relationship with their grandma is theirs. It's not yours to control. Obviously as a parent you have a responsibility to ensure your children are safe and free from toxic influences, but you don't have a right to control every aspect of their healthy relationships with other family members. Their grandma sounds lovely. She isn't going to stop you from teaching them the value of money and possessions or anything else. She's just their grandma and she likes to treat them, as millions of grandmas have done forever and a day.

I meant the gifts as some of them are expensive. A biscuit is a biscuit, a Ralph Lauren baby grow at £120.00 for a new born is in my opinion unbelievably kind.

I don't see a £120 babygrow as 'kind'! The baby doesn't appreciate it, or know it is different from an Asda babygrow. If that's how the giver wants to waste spend their money 🤷

Good luck trying to stop a gran spoiling her grandkids. I'm 33 and my gran still rocks up with presents for me from time to time. It's just what they do!

Honestly though, you absolutely can still instill gratitude and a understanding for the value of things in your kids even with Granny Santa. My mam definitely spoils my daughter rotten and always has, but they have a lovely relationship because we worked bloody hard as parents to teach her to value her granny as more than just a gift dispenser.

I'd be inclined to agree a £120 babygro is ridiculous, but it's her money and if she wants to spend £120 on something that's probably going to end up covered in sick and poop, she can. It's not like the baby will know or be damaged by it, is it?

My mum was/is like this with my 3 children. It's tapered off slightly since the eldest is now 16 so harder to buy for but she still spoils him. They ALWAYS comment how "grandma is so kind" etc and she is - this is just part of her personality and she adores her grandchildren and they her. I would never have stopped her, she enjoys giving to them.

If she spends silly money on random gifts when they're old enough to understand how much those things cost, you'll have a point. Those things should be saved for Christmas and birthdays once a child's about 7 and they 'get' that some things cost more than their birthday money buys, or their parents can afford.

If she turns up every week with things like that, then you absolutely do have a right to say something. But sweets and comics, not an issue.

Are you conflating kindness with generosity?

I think the winning formula is being thoughtful.

If your mother in law is thoughtful and kind, I think she would want you yo be comfortable and would be heartened by your desire to forge a valued relationship.

"I meant the gifts as some of them are expensive. A biscuit is a biscuit, a Ralph Lauren baby grow at £120.00 for a new born is in my opinion unbelievably kind."

No it's not. You're acting like she doesn't even know the baby. It's her grandchild ffs, and you're going to spoil things by being so PFB.

YOU can still teach them to value her.
Next time you make sure they take her flowers as a thank you for the last thing she got them. as they get older you can say 'lets bake some cake for grandma as a thank you'. Always remind them to be grateful.

Little things.

You are so unreasonable. Comes across like you are jealous of her. Let her develop her own relationship with her GC.

no child needs a new toy everytime gran visits. Sure, she can spend her money on what she wants but it doesn't mean yous have to accept.
Tell her maybe a piece of chocolate or some sweets will be fine but no toys, they are for Xmas and birthdays. You may find that you need to teach her a lesson as she's handing over a toy by saying yous won't accept it, YOU are the parent. If that's the way you want it then be firm.

Most of us only have our beloved Grandparents for max 20-30 years if you are lucky ! Let her spoil them: such wonderful memories!

Teaching grandma a lesson for buying toys ? Pftttttt, get away with you .

Don’t be that woman. There’s so many threads on here about dreadful mother in-laws…you’ve got a lovely one and STILL want to pull her up on something. Let her buy them presents. She loves it, they’ll love it. It’s not setting them up for a fall, or spoiling them. It’s called love. It’s what nice grannies do.