Help with my daughter (24)

[mumhelpwithdaughter]

Hoping you can help me with my daughter (she is 24). I have been to talk to someone as my daughter asked me to, after we last spoke. This person has suggested I talk to my daughter to explain why I feel the way I do but agreed an email to my daughter would be OK. This is mainly because I really can't face trying telling my daughter and watch her face have no expression like last time. Last time, I told her to come home to see me and I cried and told her that I need her to tell me that she loves me. She said she did, but I told her that really I know she hates me.

The person I spoke with agreed that how I feel is fairly normal but made worse due to a couple things.

I have always totally understood that my daughter has her own life now but it seems that she has forgotten I need to feel part of it too.

She might find it hard to imagine but I was 24 years old once, except I was also married with my own house (my daughter lives in a houseshare near her boyfriend, about an hour away from us, where she is doing teacher training).

However I have told my daughter that I never forgot I still had a mum who loved me dearly, as I do my daughter and I continued to visit her, sometimes unannounced, to hug, tell her I loved her and that I still needed her.

Since my daughter left to start university she has never come back unannounced/as a surprise. The first couple of years she left I hoped she might pop home unannounced on Mother's Day but never did. Once I remember her dad said he was just popping out to check the boat and thought he was really going to pick her up from the station - but no. I tried calling her every day at uni, sometimes she didn’t answer so I called her boyfriend instead which she said was intrusive. She wouldn’t give me a copy of her timetable or put an app on her phone so I could see where she was.

Then recently when she bought her car I thought this would be the time she started to pop back home to say hi. Guess she has been too busy.

I have tried sending her lots of messages (emails and texts) in the mornings before work telling her I love her and I need her to let me in.

The lady said that sometimes it takes something drastic for children to suddenly remember one day their parents might not be there. She was speaking from experience as she put off visiting her mum for only a few days. Tragically her mum was knocked down by a lorry and she never saw her again. I have told my daughter this in an email.

I am not going to beg her but I need her to understand that I need to be part of her new and changing life.

This is clearly some sort of weird reverse

Honestly, just write it all from your own perspective without trying to pretend you're the mum in this situation

It's easier to respond

I’m sorry OP but you’re wrong. You don’t NEED to be part of her new life unless she wants you to be. She’s not a child, she gets to decide now what role/time she spends with you. You sound like you have a very unhealthy attachment here, obsessive even. She has her own life, her own little family unit now, let her grow up. The more you smother her the more you push her away.

I thought that too!

I'm guessing there's a backstory here.
Ringing your DD every day at Uni and demanding she tells you she loves you isn't ok really.
She's expressing her love for you differently to maybe how you did towards your own Mum, but that's ok, we are all different.
I think the more you push, the more she will pull away.
Your DD is a strong independent woman and you should feel that is an achievement in itself.
Back away a bit and be interested in her life instead of making this all about what you need.

Your mum is being controlling and emotionally manipulative.

You’re going to get flak for this obvious reverse post.

This is odd OP. Funnily enough my family were chatting the other day about when I went to uni and dm recalled that I went off with a new friend with barely a backwards glance, "as it should be" was the phrase my dm used. I wasn't great at keeping in touch, they used to page me if they wanted me to call home!

My dps now are still undemanding, they love to see us whenever but know that we have our own lives, I would run a mile from the pressure you're putting your dd under, you need to relax otherwise you'll push her even further away (to the actual dm if this is a reverse by the dd)

I understand you wanting to be part of your dd's life, but you are behaving in a way guaranteed to push her away.
You are being overbearing and your expectations are unreasonable.
I think her suggestion that you "see someone " was a gentle way of trying to get you to see things from her perspective and encourage you to think about your life as a whole. A parent "needing" something from their child is unreasonable and indicates insecurities that are not the responsibilityof the child. I don't know who this "lady" is but her advice is way off. Guilt tripping your daughter into behaving in particular way is outrageous.
The more needy and demanding you are, the less your dd will want to visit. Feeling unloved because she doesn't do surprise visits is really strange. Aim for a mutually respectful, warm relationship.

I can't believe the person who wrote this doesn't see how smothering and intrusive their behaviour is.

Assuming it is genuine though - you are pushing your daughter further and further away. You're practically a stalker.

Give her space and in time she might want to visit.

Sorry it’s really obvious, yes it is a reverse. It’s mostly based on a real email my mum has sent me.

The only bits I’ve added are at the beginning about Mum crying and needing me to tell her I loved her, the context about what she was doing and asking for when I was at uni, and the bit about the texts and emails she sends me. Everything else is her words from her email to me.

Sorry for the reverse. Reading her email back, it sounds like she’s struggling and I’ve been really cruel to her, but I’m just trying to get on with my life. I posted from her point of view to see if I’m really the one in the wrong. Sorry, I know that was wrong of me to do. Thanks for replying

How did everyone figure out it was a reverse? I hadn't a clue. I just thought it was weird

So you wouldn’t even go by to see her on Mother’s Day? The first post seems to suggest that. Are you wanting to go no contact with her perhaps due to reasons you haven’t yet disclosed?

I saw her the week before Mother’s Day and sent her flowers and a card for the day.

I’m really undecided about no contact (we’re still in contact at the moment and I haven’t been ignoring her messages. I’ve seen her three times in the last month and we have a family group chat as well).

It’s hard for mums when their child grows up. I’m watching my daughter live her own life and it makes me sad that she doesn’t need me as much anymore but I step back and give her the freedom that she’s found. I’ll always be here when she needs me.

Sounds like the mum in the OP doesn’t have much of a life and is lost. Arranging fun nights out or a lunch wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Mine all went away for Uni and never came home to surprise me on mother's day
If they have I probably wouldn't have been in !
Maybe try and do something regularly ,say phone once a week ,visit once a month ,take her out for dinner twice a year
I only phone my DC if there is something I need to speak to them about
Otherwise I leave it up to them to phone when they have the chance

Op you are way too clingy.....all you are going to do is drive your daughter away. She's 24, independent and living her life. As it should be. Give her some breathing space and stop smothering her!!!

I might be very odd but I am not sad to see them making their own lives and love to hear all their stories

She doesn't sound well OP, this isn't normal behaviour. I have DDs a similar age and I wouldn't dream of putting pressure on them like this. Does she work, have friends, is your dad still around?

Unfortunately, your DD has grown into an adult that now has her own life. Be proud that you have raised a fully fledged child!

I have a DS like this - 28, lives hundreds of miles away with his partner and baby, but only gets in touch if short of cash! Once or twice a year, at best.

I'm just happy that he's found a great partner and he's settled, tbh.

But - i do have 4 other adult kids and 3 of them are still at home!

My life is pretty busy. I wonder if yours is - is this your only child?

I would focus on your own life, try and pick something new up if you have time.

And - you might need to get your purse out if you want to see your DD!

See if she will agree to you popping over and taking her and her partner out for a meal once every 2 or 3 months.

We did go on holiday together last Christmas with my DS (plus partner andbaby) but we paid the lot. (they are genuinely hard up!)

But - you know what they say- if you love them, let them go! You have raised a DD with her own ideas and thoughts seperate from yours. Her own person.

You have been smothering your DD with messages at Uni to the point of suffocation.

I don't know who you went to see but that's like emotional blackmail!! Come and see me in case I die!

My Mum died when i was 20 - she had been ill for years and i knew it was coming. She prepared me for independence and i was grateful for that. You want your kids to be able to go on when you're no longer around.

My advice to you is to back right off. Give your DD breathing space. Do not send ANY messages at all. In about 6 weeks time, send a message offering to take her and her partner out for a fancy meal at a restaurant of their choice at YOUR expense.

If she fails to respond, or doesn't want to, leave it.

Don't contact her again til Christmas. Then reach out again. She has her own life, she will not be missing you one bit.

When/if you meet up be very mindful not to talk about your needs. Be a listening ear about hers, ask about her training, be interested and LISTEN.

OP what do you want from your Mum?
What are your Mum's circumstances and who else is in her life?
Would you consider family counselling? It can be really helpful and gives you both a chance to be heard.

I do think it’s really clear that your mum is struggling, you are right about that. Is it your job to fix her? I would say not but what you have given us is a snapshot of your relationship and of course it’s 24 years long, and there is lots of water under the bridge.

It seems like your mum’s idea of what she should get from you and your idea of what you need are different. I can understand that the more mum pushes, the further you want to run. Is talking about this calmly and rationally possible? I guess you both need to want to do that for it to work. It’s a sad situation and I’m sorry you are experiencing it. As a mum, I feel sorry for her and think that you only get one mum so perhaps you could be more generous to her. As a daughter I think that sometimes parents are difficult and it’s not a child’s job to fix that.

Ah - reverse!

Go and live your life, OP! Your mum is an adult. She needs help. But not from you. You are not responsible for her happiness.

That’s what I’m worried about too.

Yes, she works full-time plus more, rarely takes annual leave, has a few friends who she sees every so often, and my dad is still around (although he barely sees her because of how much she works).

When I was growing up, I really thought she hated me. She would get so angry with me and give me the silent treatment if I did anything wrong (from at least early primary age). If I tried to talk to her about anything personal, like contraception when I was about 17, she’d get into a rage, so I stopped trying to talk about personal things with her.

It’s really strange that now she wants me to tell her everything and go and see her all the time when our relationship was never like that when I was at home. We all walked on eggshells around her.

I’m really sorry again for the reverse, I feel really guilty about posting it now. I just wanted to see if it was really me in the wrong as the daughter, because I’m trying really hard to be the adult in the situation and I don’t know if I’m being harsh on her.

Has she always been nuts? She sounds unbearable. I can't believe she wanted a copy of your timetable so she could see where you were at all times and phoning your boyfriend is unbelievable!

I would block her on email and redirect her number to voicemail only. I'd phone her once a week and only tell her what information she needed to know.

You're not responsible for your mum's feelings and don't have to capitulate to her crippling neediness, the fact you managed to get away unscathed is a miracle.

I agree with HelloMiffy.
Surely no-one can seriously expect to be so involved with their independent adult DC's life.