Why is he using me?

[Traveljunkee]

Hello Ladies, I need your advice and help.

I have been seeing a man for over a year. We are both having an affair. At first he was really into me, he wasn’t happy with his gf and we would be in regular contact, but now I think he is just using me for sex. Can you verify he is?

He asks to hook up with me for sex every week. He’ll be all charming when he wants it, flirting, sharing pictures but after sex he’s not interested in me. After it he goes silent and doesn’t want to lay with me, hold me or talk. Doesn’t get in contact until following week. The sex is the only love he gives me and that’s why it’s hard to let go. The sex is so mind-blowing. He has not bought me anything no flowers/chocolates/gifts/money nothing. Doesn’t show appreciation.

I think his behaviour of using me is really starting to affect my mental health so badly. I am in love with him but not vice versa. When we meet for sex its amazing, but afterwards he doesn’t care about me and my brain is forced to stop my feelings and accept he doesn’t want to chill. This change in my brain happens every week like an on and off button. This change in my brain is affecting my MH and my mind so much. I feel so much love through sex, but afterwards I overthink and get so depressed/angry and his behaviour is making me question my self worth. I feel empty and worthless inside.

Even during sex I find that he’s more concerned about his pleasure rather than mine. I’m so hurt and I feel like a st*pid grown woman. I am very loving, caring but he doesn’t care about that. He just wants sex.

He does all these nice things for his gf, but nothing nice for me and I give him mind-blowing sex. I have begged him to show me love and care but he doesn’t show it to me.

I want to end the affair, but my sexual desires just keep returning.

I think you really know the answer to this.

It's really, really bad for your self esteem to allow yourself to be used in this way. Sooner you put a stop to it, the better

I'm very sorry but there it is.

You knew that already, didn't you?

You’re just a shag to him. You deserve better.

Get some self respect. He's got a girlfriend, he just wants sex with you and doesn't want a relationship. All you're doing is feeding his ego by begging for crumbs. He's a low life OP and your bar is very low.

So you want a man who’s a lying cheat and sees you as a convenient shag to treat you better? Get some dignity and self respect ffs. Begging a cheat to love you is about as low as a bar can get.

Your poor partners - they’re the victims not you

Of course he is using you. He is doing it because you are letting him.

I am assuming that he wouldn’t see you if there was no sex. Stop all contact.

Gain some self respect. Tell yourself you're worth more and block him.

Honey, who ever told you being good in bed would ever make someone love you or treat you nicely? I’m sure all the usual crowds will be along shortly to tell you what a despicable person you are, but I think you are just incredibly damaged to make such a connection between sex and your worth as a partner. Newsflash: many people, especially men, are able to compartmentalise sex and love. You are his sex, she is (in a f’ed up capacity or sorts) his love.
Get some counseling and figure out where this mentality of yours comes from. You can be better than this.

How much love and affection do you give your partner?

You're a booty call that's all. He's scratching an itch with you.

You're not going to get what you need from him. You need to block him and focus on what's gone wrong in your relationship and end it. Clean slate.

You are nothing but a warm hole to this revolting man and you deserve better than to be reduced to that.

Thank you @BeenThere101 i am very kind, loving and caring too but he doesn’t value that which makes me feel sad. He took that part away from me because all he wants is sex. He is treating me like crap and doesn’t value me. It’s so painful right now. Sometimes we return because it’s like a pain reliever but hopefully coming on here can help me. I just joined mumsnet. I’m sorry you went through this too

@gamerchick i feel so heartless to block him. I’ve tried to end it but he keeps returning. I think I will have to block now

Your thread title asks; why is he using me? Well, the answer is because you are letting him. Sex does not equal love. It just brings low self esteem. You have to cut him out of your life.

I don't think the sex is mind blowing for him. You are just another shag to be had. You make it nice and easy. Zero effort and he still gets sex. Leave him, leave your actual partner which you have shown no respect or remorse for what you are doing and get some therapy to work out why you would treat someone else like this and allow yourself to be treated badly.

You're both in relationships. Neither one appears to be giving you what you need.

Both of you should dump your partners and find someone who gives you everything you need. Not use people.

Here's something to help you dump him - he's probably thinking about his gf when he is enjoying this "mind blowing" sex with you. Because in his head it's her. He's not that into you. Only using you. It's her he wants.

Your definition of loving and caring must be different to most people's as you're actively fucking over your current partner.

@FinallyHere i did but I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt. But something recently happened between us that made me realise. I cant talk to anyone about this except people on the internet

The question to ask is 'why are you allowing yourself to be used'?

He's scratching an itch with you. Hopefully not literally 😳

OP, I think you already have your answer. Block and delete in real life.

Don't feel heartless because he won't care and that's the truth. If you block him he'll just go and find someone else to cheat with. It's obvious he doesn't have feelings for you because of the way he treats you after sex. And this is purely sex for him and whether that's with you or someone else it doesn't matter. It's 'mind blowing' because it happens under the adrenalin of deception and excitement. It's not mind blowing because of love. Not on his part anyway. Just stop calling him, answering him and block him straight away. You can't live your life on a roller coaster of highs and lows. If this seems hard just only have this in mind: when he finishes sex with you he goes back to his partner and gives her the love and cuddles that you want. That should be enough reason to make you want to stop this.

His poor girlfriend. Have you thought about her?

You clearly know what you are doing is wrong. EVERYONE on this thread so far have said exactly what you are thinking. So if you choose to continue, it's on YOU to blame for allowing yourself to be used. You can choose to do the right thing and end it.

He clearly only uses you for sex. Doesn't need to be mind blowing, a man just wants another hole to fill. Cheaters will always do more than their life long partners so you're giving him a thrill. You're just another one he gets to be with inbetween his own girlfriend. If you've been with him a year, then you've had plenty of time to see the real him, and if he isn't giving you the time and only comes to you for sex, then clearly that's all you are to him - a booty call. Have some self respect and respect your own body. Why chase a man or go back to him if that's all he see's you for.

If he hasn't bought you anything, then he clearly doesn't want anything more from you. You may have tried to be nice to him but if he isn't reciprocating it back then you really need to consider, are you just being used, and I think you know the answer to that.

Sex is just an act. You're both having an affair and will either lose your actual partner in the process or never feel worth it again and hit a spiral of this sort of stuff in the future. Are you actual partners giving you the actual life you want or need and actually you're just a booty call for sexual satisfaction. Spice up your actual relationships and leave behind the affair. The thought of sneaking around is what makes the affair more exciting. But what you are doing is without doubt wrong and horrible.

In one of your replies you said you're kind and caring but would your partners actually think that when what you're doing is having the most special thing a partner can share and doing that in the most wrong way.

If you have asked him to leave his girlfriend to be with you, would he? If he says no, then you need to walk away from him RIGHT NOW. The longer you leave it, the more damage you will do to yourself and everyone around you. You will fill your mind with things that don't let you see what's happening in the real world.

Blocking isn't a heartless, it's the right thing to do, especially if you plan on trying to make your actual relationships work. If you don't block him then what you're really doing is trying to keep your options open so that you can be his call out girl and believe me, it won't end well and you need to gain back your self respect.

Partners who find out about cheating partners will never look you in the eye the same way, so end it quick and get your mind back to a good place.

You say you’re kind, loving and caring and yet you’re having an affair?

He is using you, but you are also using your partner. Leave both relationships and focus on yourself.