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Original poster

Relationship advice

53 replies

Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 19:34

Hi guys I started seeing a guy who has adhd and things were going really well. He's having a down period now of saying I'm no good for you, you deserve better then me I feel like I'd let you down. I said I'd give him some space to see how he feels but I hope to hear from him soon. I don't know what to do now do I leave it at that or do I try and reach out and reassure him? I don't want to lose this relationship please help thanks

OP posts:
Brownstains · 22/09/2024 19:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

BabyR · 22/09/2024 19:48

I’ve had a relationship like this and it left me feeling hurt when those same words would be said to me. I didn’t know better at the time so I did reach out and I would be ignored for weeks at a time.

You have to give them space and carry on living your life. He may come back but he also might not so don’t spend your time dwelling too much.

Original poster
Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 20:03

BabyR · 22/09/2024 19:48

I’ve had a relationship like this and it left me feeling hurt when those same words would be said to me. I didn’t know better at the time so I did reach out and I would be ignored for weeks at a time.

You have to give them space and carry on living your life. He may come back but he also might not so don’t spend your time dwelling too much.

It just hurts so much I’ve never connected with anyone as much as I have with him and it’s hard because I don’t feel like it’s his fault with his adhd and going through a low mental health period

OP posts:
WeAreWhereWeAre · 22/09/2024 20:05

‘I'm no good for you, you deserve better then me I feel like I'd let you down’.

Personally, I’d listen to him, he’s telling you who he is.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 22/09/2024 20:07

Yes I would also believe what he is telling you and run, sorry I know it's not what you want to hear x

BabyR · 22/09/2024 20:10

Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 20:03

It just hurts so much I’ve never connected with anyone as much as I have with him and it’s hard because I don’t feel like it’s his fault with his adhd and going through a low mental health period

Show quote history

It’s not their fault but these low periods can be continuous and often come from nowhere. In my case I was always there for him, I’d wait weeks for him to message ‘when he was ready’. After months and months like this he decided one Christmas Eve that actually he enjoyed being on his own. Eventually he crawled back and it was blamed on whatever was going on - there’s always some excuse and a pity party.

Take care of yourself before him. If he’s serious about you then he will come back when he’s feeling better but don’t make the mistake I did.

BirthdayRainbow · 22/09/2024 20:11

Block. Delete. Work on your self esteem.

He could quite easily be fishing. Don't be his prey.

AgileGreenSeal · 22/09/2024 20:11

Don’t walk away from him
RUN

When someone tells you / shows you who they are, believe them. You can’t “fix” him.

Original poster
Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 20:28

BabyR · 22/09/2024 20:10

It’s not their fault but these low periods can be continuous and often come from nowhere. In my case I was always there for him, I’d wait weeks for him to message ‘when he was ready’. After months and months like this he decided one Christmas Eve that actually he enjoyed being on his own. Eventually he crawled back and it was blamed on whatever was going on - there’s always some excuse and a pity party.

Take care of yourself before him. If he’s serious about you then he will come back when he’s feeling better but don’t make the mistake I did.

Show quote history

It hurts to because he said and did such lovely things that no man has ever done for me before and also he was a stranger when I met him I was having a meal with my friends and we ended up getting chatting so it's disheartening that he approached me and pursued me and said and did all these lovely things to then throw it away. What was the point of him investing his time if he's going to pull away?

OP posts:
MixieMatchie · 22/09/2024 20:30

When men say stuff like this, they either have another woman in their orbit, or they would like to have. It always, always boils down to that. It may be that he's "just not that into you", it may be that he's into you but so insecure that he knows he can't stay faithful to you because he needs his ego boosting in his usual ways. Basically, he is not ready and willing to be a decent boyfriend to you. You cannot make this happen, sadly. Let go now, before he really hurts you.

BirthdayRainbow · 22/09/2024 20:31

Because some men like the chase and then aren't interested once they think they have got you.

He's not the only man out there. There will be nice decent men.

MixieMatchie · 22/09/2024 20:31

Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 20:28

It hurts to because he said and did such lovely things that no man has ever done for me before and also he was a stranger when I met him I was having a meal with my friends and we ended up getting chatting so it's disheartening that he approached me and pursued me and said and did all these lovely things to then throw it away. What was the point of him investing his time if he's going to pull away?

Show quote history

Yeah, some men are like that. Ask me how I know... Or refer to my post above. It's such a headf--k and really hurts.

WeAreWhereWeAre · 22/09/2024 20:33

Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 20:03

It just hurts so much I’ve never connected with anyone as much as I have with him and it’s hard because I don’t feel like it’s his fault with his adhd and going through a low mental health period

Show quote history

You’re hurting. Understandably so. But he’s told you who he is. How long do you want to put up with feeling like this OP?

You deserve better.

Please thank him for his honesty and walk - no run - away.

Gonk123 · 22/09/2024 20:37

He just got you hooked. Now come the games!
he isn’t nice and he isn’t going to change. He is playing you. It can’t be justified. ADHD does not make people say this. It’s nonsense.
Take ir leave the advice through experience.

Original poster
Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 20:46

MixieMatchie · 22/09/2024 20:30

When men say stuff like this, they either have another woman in their orbit, or they would like to have. It always, always boils down to that. It may be that he's "just not that into you", it may be that he's into you but so insecure that he knows he can't stay faithful to you because he needs his ego boosting in his usual ways. Basically, he is not ready and willing to be a decent boyfriend to you. You cannot make this happen, sadly. Let go now, before he really hurts you.

Thing is he's been really open with me about his troubled childhood and other personal stuff so I don't feel like he's trying to hurt me I feel like him telling me how he feels is like a cry for help because he didn't have to tell me he was feeling this way he could have just blocked and deleted me surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 20:48

Gonk123 · 22/09/2024 20:37

He just got you hooked. Now come the games!
he isn’t nice and he isn’t going to change. He is playing you. It can’t be justified. ADHD does not make people say this. It’s nonsense.
Take ir leave the advice through experience.

There may be elements of some truth in what you say but I don't think its right that ADHD doesn't make people say this if you don't experience ADHD yourself how do you know they don't say this? And its not just ADHD he's suffered with other mental health issues and had low periods throughout his childhood and things surely him opening up telling me how he feels is like a cry for help? He could have chosen not to talk to me and just blocked me without any explanation but he didn't

OP posts:
MixieMatchie · 22/09/2024 20:50

Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 20:46

Thing is he's been really open with me about his troubled childhood and other personal stuff so I don't feel like he's trying to hurt me I feel like him telling me how he feels is like a cry for help because he didn't have to tell me he was feeling this way he could have just blocked and deleted me surely?

Show quote history

No, he's not trying to hurt you. He just can't help but be any other way. He is a conflicted man. His feelings for you are not fake, but they are not the full story and he can't live up to them - and this will mean hurting you, with other women, because he cannot help it, it's his go-to drug. Yes, I am projecting a bit, but this is one of the modern archetypes of man that you have to look out for. A subtle killer, all the more heartbreaking because it just seems so needless. Don't chase him, it will make him worse. He will see what you are willing to accept and convince himself you're OK with what amounts to poor treatment.

Original poster
Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 20:50

BabyR · 22/09/2024 20:10

It’s not their fault but these low periods can be continuous and often come from nowhere. In my case I was always there for him, I’d wait weeks for him to message ‘when he was ready’. After months and months like this he decided one Christmas Eve that actually he enjoyed being on his own. Eventually he crawled back and it was blamed on whatever was going on - there’s always some excuse and a pity party.

Take care of yourself before him. If he’s serious about you then he will come back when he’s feeling better but don’t make the mistake I did.

Show quote history

Its tough because i feel like him being honest and open with me was like a cry for help? He didn't have to tell me he was feeling this way he could have just blocked me without an explanation. Surely him telling me how he feels was him being honest and like a cry for help wouldn't he tell me these things because he wants to try and work it out with me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 20:54

MixieMatchie · 22/09/2024 20:50

No, he's not trying to hurt you. He just can't help but be any other way. He is a conflicted man. His feelings for you are not fake, but they are not the full story and he can't live up to them - and this will mean hurting you, with other women, because he cannot help it, it's his go-to drug. Yes, I am projecting a bit, but this is one of the modern archetypes of man that you have to look out for. A subtle killer, all the more heartbreaking because it just seems so needless. Don't chase him, it will make him worse. He will see what you are willing to accept and convince himself you're OK with what amounts to poor treatment.

Show quote history

It's so hard you probably are right. I just really miss him and want to speak to him. I've turned to help on here because I've spoken to my friends and some of my family about it but I feel like I don't want to keep troubling them you know and some of them like my parents have been lucky enough to have been together for over 30 years so don't really know how I'm feeling you know

OP posts:
MixieMatchie · 22/09/2024 20:59

Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 20:54

It's so hard you probably are right. I just really miss him and want to speak to him. I've turned to help on here because I've spoken to my friends and some of my family about it but I feel like I don't want to keep troubling them you know and some of them like my parents have been lucky enough to have been together for over 30 years so don't really know how I'm feeling you know

Show quote history

I know, it's really hard. It sucks. Best thing you can do is hold your head up, remember that chasing will make him worse, and build up the rest of your life so that you don't have so much invested in him. It's easier to bear when the rest of your life is firing on all cylinders. Also, read Women Who Love Too Much - cliche recommendation here, but it's recommended for a reason! And, if it comes to it, Getting Past Your Breakup, another really good book.

Original poster
Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 21:02

MixieMatchie · 22/09/2024 20:59

I know, it's really hard. It sucks. Best thing you can do is hold your head up, remember that chasing will make him worse, and build up the rest of your life so that you don't have so much invested in him. It's easier to bear when the rest of your life is firing on all cylinders. Also, read Women Who Love Too Much - cliche recommendation here, but it's recommended for a reason! And, if it comes to it, Getting Past Your Breakup, another really good book.

Show quote history

Thanks for the recommendation. Thing is I have just started a new role in work and have just got the keys to my very first home so when I met him on a random night out with friends which I wasn't expecting it felt like that was my 3 things as people say things come in 3s and it felt like everything was finally coming together in my life and whilst its still great I have my new work role and my new first home to keep me going and busy it's hard not to focus on the situation with him

OP posts:
Bunnyhair · 22/09/2024 21:05

It can be this simple: do you want to be with someone who withdraws into spirals of self-hatred in which he is unreachable? Do you want a relationship with someone who moans about how worthless and unlovable he is, and nothing you can say ever makes a difference? Does that sound like fun? Is that how you want to spend your life - endlessly trying to reassure your bottomlessly depressed partner that he’s good enough, when he keeps insisting he’s not?

Don’t kid yourself that your love can heal him. Unfortunately anyone with these sorts of ups and downs is going to need a lot more psychological help than you can provide or procure for him, and chances are he won’t ever have emotional energy left over to meet anyone else’s needs in a relationship after the initial honeymoon period / love-bombing wears off.

MixieMatchie · 22/09/2024 21:05

Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 21:02

Thanks for the recommendation. Thing is I have just started a new role in work and have just got the keys to my very first home so when I met him on a random night out with friends which I wasn't expecting it felt like that was my 3 things as people say things come in 3s and it felt like everything was finally coming together in my life and whilst its still great I have my new work role and my new first home to keep me going and busy it's hard not to focus on the situation with him

Show quote history

Congrats on the new home and new role! That's two wonderful things - who needs a third? Focus your energy on all the great things you have which are moving you forward in life - any man needs to be the icing on the cake, not a drain on your confidence making you feel insecure.

Original poster
Gemlarr · 22/09/2024 21:10

MixieMatchie · 22/09/2024 21:05

Congrats on the new home and new role! That's two wonderful things - who needs a third? Focus your energy on all the great things you have which are moving you forward in life - any man needs to be the icing on the cake, not a drain on your confidence making you feel insecure.

Show quote history

Thanks for your kindness and support. Normally in the week I have less time to think about the situation with being busy at work in the day but then sometimes on weekends when I don't have much going on there's more time to think about it and today I would have been distracted going out with a friend but she cancelled on me so then I didn't have much to do today so all I was left alone with was my thoughts which probably sounds pathetic

OP posts:
Olika · 22/09/2024 21:13

I know it's hard but you cannot keep hold of this idea/dream/fantasy you have created in your head about how he is the one. You keep saying 'cry for help' but you shouldn't be trying to save him. That's a recipe for disaster.

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