Relationship advice

[Gemlarr]

Hi guys I started seeing a guy who has adhd and things were going really well. He's having a down period now of saying I'm no good for you, you deserve better then me I feel like I'd let you down. I said I'd give him some space to see how he feels but I hope to hear from him soon. I don't know what to do now do I leave it at that or do I try and reach out and reassure him? I don't want to lose this relationship please help thanks

No, it's totally human, not pathetic. People like this man can really get a hold of your heart and mind - I know, I've been there. It's not black and white, but ultimately you've got to put your sanity and dignity first. Don't beat yourself up for your natural reaction, but do try to build yourself up

It doesn’t always boil down to that. Not all men have or want another woman. Yes it is more men than women who behave like that, but it isn’t always.

I had one of these op, sounds very similar actually - ADHD, opening up about his troubled childhood, the amazing connection and wonderful treatment, him very much pursuing me. Months later came the 'I can't give you what you deserve' spiel, the pulling away and the bouts of depression (which he refused to get any support for).

There's nothing you can do. The more you try to cling onto him the more it will hurt in the end. I suspect the man I was seeing was emotionally avoidant and using me to distract himself from his depression, perhaps also had other women on the go, it doesn't really matter I suppose.

Believe him when he says he can't give you what you deserve. How many rough patches of him pulling away do you want to go through? Cut him loose for your own sake💐

OP, do you find it attractive that a man woos you by crying for help? I used to...in fact I was told that exact same thing about deserving someone better. I stuck with that man for years, stupidly, while he had multiple affairs. He was very good at getting me to pity him while treating me like trash.

Someone told me about the Karpman drama triangle...maybe look into this? en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

You deserve a equal partner! Not one who needs to be rescued! It sounds like you have been very successful recently and started a lot of new good things. Don't get dragged down now? What would you want for a daughter of yours at such a point in her life?

It just feels like a constant rejection. With my previous partner before this one he had depression to and things and didn't really know what he wanted to do with his life so that situation with him had to come to an end and I knew him through work he wasn't a stranger. He was younger though. Then there was this guy who I met randomly on a night out and things were going well then he turns out to have his own mental health problems to and its like one thing after another it feels like a constant rejection. Even if I don't feel like this about myself they say I'm pretty, I'm funny and easy to talk to so why is it not enough for anyone? And how do I seem to attract these types of people whether its someone I know or a stranger in the case of the ADHD guy. Sorry I've gotten really deep

But seriously, have you ever heard of a man delivering the whole "You deserve better, I don't want to hurt you" spiel and there's been some other reason? Maybe not another woman actually waiting in the wings, but at the very least it means they want to be seeing other women. It's never that they simply don't think they are good enough. They know exactly why they are going to hurt the woman. When men want something, they usually go for it. That might not fit a simplistic narrative of men and women being just the same, but maybe that's because when you look at how men actually behave, you realise they are not. Women get burnt when they interpret men's words and actions by what we ourselves would mean.

It's sad because he obviously did want me and pursued me. He didn't have to approach me (a stranger) when I was out with my mates and arrange a date 2 days later. He didn't then have to spontaneously come this way to where I live not long after when he didn't even know if I was free or not to hang out with him but he did that's why when he feels these negative thoughts about himself it hurts me that he feels this way when it sounds like he isn't used to being loved either and it hurts that we could have had something really special but it seems like his metal health is getting in the way

Maybe he will actually pull himself together. Keep your standards high and see if he can meet them. It is a huge shame that these guys self-sabotage, and it also leaves you questioning whether the initial connection really was as mutually special as it seemed, or if that's just what they do all the time. Sorry, I'm not trying to rain on your parade. I really would recommend the Women Who Love Too Much book, as it helps you take a look at your own psyche and figure out why you might be vulnerable to these kinds of relationships. Spoiler alert - it is never because you're not pretty enough or not funny enough.

Maybe he isn't used to being loved because he needs to work on himself to be lovable? Please don't be his 'fixer'. He may have picked up on vulnerability in you, and you are falling into a pattern where the partner is depressed and that feels normal and familiar. How about someone who is good at loving and being loved and longing to bring you joy? How about casual dating for the first year you are in a new place?

Please don't be sorry you've been very helpful thank you I'm sorry to have taken up so much of your time

Thanks for your time

That's really interesting @Gemlarr if it's easier for you to be angry than to think about finding a trouble-free relationship attractive. Hope you get swept off your feet by a good 'un sooner rather than later.

Why do you think I'm angry?

Oh sorry @Gemlarr I read "thanks for your time" as sarcastic. Wishing you all the best and lots of happiness, anyway. You sound caring and also at an exciting point in life practically. I spent a considerable chunk of life on four guys like this...

I wasn't meaning to come across as sarcastic or angry I really was thanking you for your time to comment :)

Ok, sorry! Wishing you much happiness, honestly.

Thanks and to you :)

Telling you about difficult experiences that make him seem sweet and vulnerable can be a manipulation tactic rather than a cry for help. I'm not saying that's definitely the case here, but it is a possibility. Sharing traumatic/personal information very early on this can be a red flag for this. How long have you been together?

I don't think it's right that ADHD doesn't make people say this if you don't experience ADHD yourself how do you know they don't say this? And it's not just ADHD he's suffered with other mental health issues and had low periods throughout his childhood and things surely him opening up telling me how he feels is like a cry for help? He could have chosen not to talk to me and just blocked me without any explanation but he didn't

I have ADHD. I am telling you that ADHD does not make people say this.
I have also suffered with significant mental health issues as the result of an abusive childhood.
People with ADHD, mental health problems and adverse childhood experiences CAN understand and care about how their behaviour affects others; if he can’t (or won’t) none of these things are an excuse.

He’s explicitly told you he’s no good for you, you can do better, and that he will let you down. He is backing these statements up with actions, showing you that cares about himself and his needs, but doesn’t give much thought to your feelings.

It is not your job to save him. From someone who has ended up in relationships with ‘lovely but vulnerable’ men who declared their past traumas/mental health issues early on then quickly transformed into selfish pricks who only cared about themselves (while telling me I was the only one who had ever understood them, which definitely kept me hooked) - I’d say get out while you can. I understand the urge to help, but he needs to help himself first.
His problems and how he handles them are already affecting you. He should care about your emotional and mental wellbeing as much as you care about his.

He might need help to overcome these issues, but that needs to be from a therapist, not from you.

They love bomb you. It’s funny how they act so perfect in the beginning isn’t it? Their problems didn’t affect them chasing you then.

They can’t keep the act up for longer than a few weeks.

Also.. They give these excuses so you are on the back burner for when it suits him to come back. He’s probably pursuing someone else in the same way he did you.

It’s a funny one because he’s obviously chosen to move himself away from me as if he feels like he’s protecting me by removing himself from my life it just feels a shame that I didn’t seem to have a say or the chance to try and understand his thoughts properly

The trouble is, he’s probably testing you to see if you will chase/come running when he calls etc so it’s not like he’s trying to protect you it’s that he’s pressing your buttons to see which ones will work.

I’d call his bluff and walk away tbh. Either you preserve your own MH by getting out of the situation entirely or you can prompt some discussion about what you will and won’t tolerate. My DP knows that if he starts with the whole “you’d be better off without me” schtick, I’m inclined to agree and I’ll leave!

Don't think of it as him nobly trying to protect you. He's wanting to protect himself from having to deal with your sadness, anger, rejection, pursuit, confrontation, disappointment - whatever it is he fears is going to come from you when he inevitably lets you down which he doesn't have the emotional tools to deal with. He's dressing this up as a favour to you, which (as you say) is actually quite insulting, as if you can't make your own decisions. But this is why.

My last 2 boyfriends were like this. I clearly didn’t learn from the first one 😂.

Both ADHD lovebombers, overshared very early on about their traumatic childhoods, which created a false sense of intimacy. I felt really special, got emotionally attached, and excused their poor behaviour because of their troubled pasts.

It’s bollocks; please don’t fall for it! Whether intentionally or not, your man’s behaviour is manipulative. He is NOT a victim and you do NOT have to rescue him. He’s an adult and he needs to sort his own shit out with therapy and self-reflection instead of trauma-dumping on kind women like you.

I should add, I also have ADHD and I do not behave like these men do. ADHD is really hard to live with, but it’s not a reason to mess with other people’s lives, minds and hearts.

Walk away before he drags you down. It’ll hurt for a while but you’ll be much better off in the long run. You’re worth so much more than sacrificing yourself for him.

Well you’re not his therapist. You’re making excuses for him in most posts.
We have all had a hard childhood/adulthood whatever. It’s not an excuse.
it’s up to you, your life. Enjoy 😁