Moved to a foreign country for DH and hate it

[BunnyEarsCactus]

A year ago DH and I moved to Norway with our two little kids. Both of us happened to get some good jobs here, so at the time it seemed to make sense. However, I hated it ever since. It is just so dark and grey, and I feel like don't really integrate in the local culture. We don't really have any connections here (DH is from Romania, not from here). My mental health has been suffering so much under this that I got depression and had to take sick leave for some time.

I really want go back to the UK, but DH is totally against that. He is very happy here with his job and his life and wants to stay.
He says if I really want to leave, I should leave alone, and he would stay with the kids, without me.

I do unterstand his point of view, but I feel so desperate and hopeless. I also feel that he doesn't really care about my feelings.

Every time I tell him about my feelings, he gets upset and says that we made the decision to move here together, so I should stick to it and not complain. I try to avoid conflict, so I typically don't raise the issue. However, he can see how miserable I am, so times he asks me what's wrong with me and pushes me to tell, but when I do tell him, it just ends up in arguments with him telling me that I shouldn't make him feel bad for moving here.

Once he even said he would rather get divorced than move away from here. And if he really did so, then I would be even more lonely but still had stay here because he could keep the kids here (since they are legal residents here now). That would break my heart. Sometimes he let's me go back home by myself for a week or so but then sometimes he also complains that I'm leaving him alone with the childcare. I would actually love to take the kids with me more often (they are still pre-school) but sometimes he agrees and sometimes he refuses to give his consent because he thinks the kids should stay "here at home" and I feel I don't really have any say.

I really don't know what to do. Do I just have to accept that I am now stuck here? Somehow make the best of it? I don't want to keep arguing with my husband because I know that he won't change his mind.

@BunnyEarsCactus he doesnt get to keep the kids just because he says so! if the kids were born in the uk you have every right to bring them back here. at the very least, get yours and the kids passports together and hide them, preferably at your work or in your car. or even in a lockbox at the local bank. just in case. you might decide you have had enough and just up and leave.

You poor thing. Being homesick is such a lonely place. I'm in a similar position to you so know what it's like when you can't move 'home'. It seems to me that your DH needs to get behind you and support you travelling back to the UK with and without the children more regularly. I wonder whether, if you knew you could travel back to the UK as frequently as you wanted, and could put some dates in the diary for the next 12 months, with his blessing and good will, knowing the DC would be fine and DH wouldn't sulk, you might feel different?
"Bunny, I know you're really missing the UK. Why don't you book in some weeks back with the kids for Christmas and Easter, and take some annual leave to go over on your own some time in November and February? I'll be fine with the DC, I promise!"

But how can you be stuck there, if your children are born in the UK and don’t have Norwegian passports? Do you not have to apply for permanent right to reside after five years, and what if you don’t? Or if either of you lost your job?

Honestly OP I don't think a year is nearly enough time to call it a day.

What do you find so different/difficult?

Residence isn’t related to nationality, it relates to where someone usually resides. Thats why the OPs husband also couldn’t bugger off to Romania with the kids, just because they’re citizens.

But couldn’t OP move back to the UK then, if that is where the children were born and they have all lived together apart from the last 9 months?

Love when posters start suggesting kidnapping the kids. Every bloody time.

OP neither of you are unreasonable in your positions on whether to stay in Norway or move back to the UK. And your DH is no more unreasonable saying you can leave alone than you are in thinking he can stay alone. You are both their parents and both want them with you.

Unfortunately there’s no real compromise on something like this. It’s an either or situation. It’s not a question of whether he’s considering your feelings but that what would make you happy will make him unhappy and vice versa.

Unfortunately, one of you will be the loser whichever outcome you both decide on.

Why does he want to stay there so much? Is it mainly his job?

It’s a great country tbf. Saying this as a neighbour.

What is the citizenship status of your children? What is your citizenship?

Seek legal advice. Seriously, you need a good lawyer in Norway, one who you can trust and have confidence in, one familiar with international families splitting up.

Your situation is not necessarily as dire as some have said. You have only been in Norway for a year, your dc likely have Romanian and UK citizenship. The situation is complex.

Your marriage is over, I assume? I can easily imagine his side of the story, he's happy and settled, but you're miserable and he would rather dump you than move. I'd say that's the end of that relationship.

This is about a managed move to the UK for you and working out the specifics of how the children will live between the two countries and maintain relationships with both parents. It's far from ideal, but do not assume that Norway will remain their primary residence.

Find a lawyer.

It can take a while to settle in a new country OP.
We lived in different places at times because of DH's work. At at times it hasn't been easy but the money was always great with a good standard of living and I knew these weren't forever moves unless I wanted them to be. So I didn't feel trapped.
This makes a big difference.
Norway is a fantastic country and if your children get Norwegian citizenship (I don't know if that's possible) it would be a great asset for them.
The standard of living is much, much, much better in Norway than in the UK.
And there is a better sense of outdoor pursuits there in my opinion- which is very healthy. The weather can be miserable but it has been quite shit in the UK this year as well.
If you truly cannot adapt to the climate, insist on coming back or try a different country if the option is there. I'd give it another year.
Your DH sounds incredibly stubborn and foolish to even consider separating his children from their mother. His attitude is a a much bigger problem than you not settling in. You need to address that first.

@Mrsdyna Yes, it would be helpful if the OP could answer this question. I’m wondering whether he had a difficult time living in the UK.

They’re not currently resident in the UK, they’re resident in Norway so the courts would deem Norway their home.

Ok thanks.

1 year into moving abroad is the worst time. I have moved countries twice and the second year is, hand on heart, the worst time. The shine and excitement wear off. You now see all the negatives in the new country, you miss home, but you are not settled enough in the new place either.

My last move was together with DH, pre-baby. It definitely tests relationships, massively.

Patience. Give it another year, at least. Norway is so close to the UK, you can see your family loads. And it's a wealthy, safe, European country, this is just you being homesick. Your DH is Romanian so the UK is "abroad" for him anyway so he doesn't fully understand your feelings probably.

1 year is not long enough to settle in. It can take some time to get used to a new country, especially if you don't speak Norwegian. I would give it more time and try to join some local hobby groups or language classes to meet new people.

Your husband sounds awful though and I wonder if your unhappiness is more connected to your relationship?

You say you both got jobs so did you really move there for him or was it a mutual decision?

He is getting a lot of criticism for saying he'd rather split up than move back but are you not saying you'd rather split up than stay. What is the difference

You should watch Så blev det jul igen (Christmas as usual), on Netflix.

But ‘expat’ and ‘immigrant’ mean different things?

Immigrants move permanently to a country, expats live there short term with the intention of moving back to their home country in due course.

If the OP is an immigrant (and it does sound like the move was intended to be permanent), socialising with expats who often don’t bother to integrate into their host country since they only intend to be there a few years probably won’t help her much - she needs to integrate with the local community not take steps to be even more separate.

No. I think you can mix with a variety of people regardless of their long term intentions of country of residence.

I think as long as you start to build a community, it snowballs as long as you seek out a variety of people from a variety of sources. That is my experience anyway.

I have never heard those definitions of ex pat vs immigrant. And I don't think it matters. Just go for it, op. Make a huge concerted effort to get out there and get sociable.

I think it does matter - the OP can’t leave with her children without her husband’s consent. If she’s going to make the best of being stuck in Norway, engaging with people coming and going every few years who have one foot still in the UK isn’t the way to do it.

Also, the difference is fairly universally understood.

https://www.moneycorp.com/en-us/news-hub/expat-vs-immigrant-differences-similarities-2023/#:~:text=An%20expat%20is%20a%20person,intention%20of%20settling%20there%20permanently.

I'm afraid living abroad means people come and go. That's just life. In fact, living anywhere can mean people come and go.

What is important is that the op makes an effort with whomever she chooses to socialise. I would never recommend she doesn't bother with other immigrants.

Living abroad certainly has its challenges but it's important to remain open and say yes to lots of stuff. It's like when you come out of a ltr. Just get out there. Doesn't matter where they are from. Op, you will find it easier as people know people know people.

That's how I have managed living abroad.

No, I absolutely agree that socialising with other immigrants who might well have very similar issues and concerns would be an excellent idea.

I’m just not sure that the expat community would offer anything like the same support and might well reinforce the issues the OP is having. I’ve been part of an expat community and I have family members who have permanently emigrated to Australia. The experience tends to be very different,

Yes but the immigrant or expat communities will know lots of other people who are Norwegian or other nationalities.

Where I live in EU, I have got to know locals under my own initiative and through other forrins.