Moved to a foreign country for DH and hate it

[BunnyEarsCactus]

A year ago DH and I moved to Norway with our two little kids. Both of us happened to get some good jobs here, so at the time it seemed to make sense. However, I hated it ever since. It is just so dark and grey, and I feel like don't really integrate in the local culture. We don't really have any connections here (DH is from Romania, not from here). My mental health has been suffering so much under this that I got depression and had to take sick leave for some time.

I really want go back to the UK, but DH is totally against that. He is very happy here with his job and his life and wants to stay.
He says if I really want to leave, I should leave alone, and he would stay with the kids, without me.

I do unterstand his point of view, but I feel so desperate and hopeless. I also feel that he doesn't really care about my feelings.

Every time I tell him about my feelings, he gets upset and says that we made the decision to move here together, so I should stick to it and not complain. I try to avoid conflict, so I typically don't raise the issue. However, he can see how miserable I am, so times he asks me what's wrong with me and pushes me to tell, but when I do tell him, it just ends up in arguments with him telling me that I shouldn't make him feel bad for moving here.

Once he even said he would rather get divorced than move away from here. And if he really did so, then I would be even more lonely but still had stay here because he could keep the kids here (since they are legal residents here now). That would break my heart. Sometimes he let's me go back home by myself for a week or so but then sometimes he also complains that I'm leaving him alone with the childcare. I would actually love to take the kids with me more often (they are still pre-school) but sometimes he agrees and sometimes he refuses to give his consent because he thinks the kids should stay "here at home" and I feel I don't really have any say.

I really don't know what to do. Do I just have to accept that I am now stuck here? Somehow make the best of it? I don't want to keep arguing with my husband because I know that he won't change his mind.

What do you think his side of this discussion would sound like? He might feel he is getting all the blame for a move that you both decided on and would rightly be defensive about that. It would take a lot of effort on his part to move back, have you put that much effort into fitting in?

How has he fitted in better than you, is he in a more sociable job or better at languages?

Are you proposing anything positive, like finding good job opportunities, or just complaining?

Going to him with just a problem isn't going to get anywhere other than arguments. Try and be a little bit more constructive and stop thinking this is something you can easily just give up on, it isn't going to be easy, so be completely sure you've actually tried everything before giving up on living there.

OP I take it you were living in the UK before the move? I’m asking because I found the last ten years or so really difficult as a Romanian in the UK. At times I’ve felt deeply unwelcome. I sometimes worry about the impact on my children.

Could this be part of the reason why your DH is so strongly against a return?

I have moved countries more than once, and I found that "a year in" was the most difficult time for me. The novelty of a new place has worn off, I'm grieving the life I left behind, and I haven't integrated yet.

Integrating and adjusting myself to the new culture was key for me. It does take a lot of effort to learn a new language and a lot of energy to get out there and meet people, while being the "daft foreigner" who often gets it wrong or doesn't understand! But it was really worth it for me in the end. After a couple of years I did feel at home.

Also - maybe using a SAD lamp in the mornings would help? I live in the UK now and feel the benefit of this in the months when the days are short.

Are the children happy there?

You are in a hard place and have my sympathy. I agree with others that your husband’s indifference to your unhappiness probably means the end of your marriage but you need legal advice about moving back to the U.K. In the meantime you have to really throw yourself into trying to find sources of happiness in Norway. It’s great that you have a good job, do you have hobbies? Have you tried winter sports? I asked Norwegians on a recent visit how on earth they cope with the winters and they said by getting outdoors as often as possible and getting exercise and then being super cosy at home. Escaping to the sun for holidays to break the winter is also possible. Winter flights from Oslo to Malaga are frequent and cheap. If your husband wants to stay then he needs to support you pursuing friendship and activities outside of work. If not, or in the future, if you separate and share custody then you will have time to do that anyway.

I realise the about may sound glib but it’s not, its not meant to be, it’s an awful situation. Are you getting help for your depression? You won’t feel up to anything if you are depressed.

Sometimes he let's me go back home by myself for a week or so but then sometimes he also complains that I'm leaving him alone with the childcare. I would actually love to take the kids with me more often (they are still pre-school) but sometimes he agrees and sometimes he refuses to give his consent because he thinks the kids should stay "here at home" and I feel I don't really have any say

Am I understanding correctly that he doesn’t want you to take the kids back for a week to see their family, but then moans he’s had to look after them himself? So basically he doesn’t even want you to visit your family? If that’s correct, he’s a controlling arsehole.

What's disappointing here is your husband's lack of empathy.

He feels upset, annoyed or alarmed when you say you're not happy. Instead of being a big boy and putting those feelings aside for a second (so you actually feel heard and cared about), he gets defensive and shuts you down in the process. Throwing the toys out of the pram a bit comes to mind. Where's the room for your feelings here?

What he doesn't understand, or doesn't want to, is by behaving like this he will make you feel even more alone and sad than you do already. Adjusting to a new country is difficult for many people. It's not just the fact that you're not Norwegian, it's the fact you're not from that particular local area and don't have friends or family nearby, that social network that people grow over the years.

The Scandinavian countries are darker in winter, but there is much to enjoy in Norway. Even though I love where I currently live in the U.K, I'm not sure if I'd want to leave Norway without giving it more time, and making the most of things the country has to offer. As a nature lover, I'd enjoy the fjords, the different hiking landscapes and increased opportunity to see the Northern Lights outside the confines of a holiday trip.

Norway is not much darker than the UK. The snow brightens it up a lot. UK is grey if anything. But it takes years to adjust, even longer if you are not willing to learn the language or make friends. It took my dh 5 years, but now 20 years later there is no way in hell he would move. This is his home. He speaks the language and understands the culture.
Scandinavia is great in so many ways.

Unless OP's husband has settlement rights in the UK, which he well may not due to Brexit, it really is as simple as many are making out that 'he's being horrible' by not agreeing to move back.

He's not British.
They both agreed to move to Norway and they both got good jobs there.
They agreed to raise the children there.
He may be limited in his job opportunities/ country options if he gave up his right to live and work in the UK to do all this WITH the OP.

A year really isn't that long. I think you need to give yourself longer to try to carve your own path here. Have you started learning the language and tried to make local friends? It can take a very long time. Are you certain that the things making you unhappy are things that would magically disappear if you were to return to the UK?

What an awful thing to suggest. Presumably you'd also advise her husband to abduct the children to Romania at the first sign of marital stress?

Your husband is Romanian; what about you? Are you from the UK or another country? I'm curious as to whether either of you has family (parents, siblings) and if so where they live and whether you have a good relationship with them. If you're British and have strong family ties in the UK, I would have thought that would be a good argument for moving back to the UK with the children - they will benefit from a relationship with extended family and from their mother having a support network (which will hopefully mean better mental health for you). As everyone has said, you need legal advice.

Have you had any therapy - individually and/or with your husband? If not do consider it as I'm sure it would help you to feel clearer in your mind about what you want.

This whole darkness subject is fascinating. I clicked on this link for daylight hours and as you say there is not much difference to here:

https://www.worlddata.info/europe/norway/sunset.php

Summer nights in Norway there is daylight up to 11pm (UK/Ireland its 10:30pm). In December we do have an hour and a half more daylight than Norway.

Interestingly, Australia is in darkness at 9pm all year round (Ecuador (being at the equator) is in darkness at 6:30pm year round, with no fluctuations in daylight).

https://www.worlddata.info/oceania/australia/sunset.php

My last post was to @cowandpigeon

Very little difference in daylight. I follow a fella from St Peterburg, Russia on YouTube and they have midnights in summer where it is still daylight.

Sydney, the latest the sun sets is 8:20pm (which is January, their summer).

Long summer nights are barely a thing in Australia.

Imagine living in Equador and it being pitch dark at 6:30pm all year round. You come home from school at 4pm and you never have more than 2 hours of daylight to play.

Yes I know, I've moved country 4 times. Even in the hardest moments we never said we'd rather divorce than move! Personally I could never come back from that, especially as she's not even asking him to leave his home country, family etc. He has no real ties there, he just likes it, and that is somehow more important than her happiness and mental health

Can you pin down exactly what it is you don't like about the culture?
Are you learning the language? Norwegian is not that hard a language for English speakers to learn.
Are you getting out into the outdoors, especially in winter?
Take vitamin D supplements because of the lack of sunlight in winter.

What would need to change to improve your life in Norway?

It sounds very difficult, OP. 💐 As other have asked, how was your life together in the UK? What was your DH’s situation-did he have friends and a good job?

I moved to my DH’s home country over 10 years ago and I’ll admit that it took me about five years to settle and make friends, tbh.

It's only been a year. That no time at all.

Are you making big effort socially with colleagues and parents at your dcs' school? Are you on the expat groups on FB etc?

If you're just staying at home and not making an effort then little wonder you're not happy.

I'm not sure why your preferences trump your dh's preferences.

I would give it more time. Make a concerted effort to be very sociable. Try and be more positive. A year is really not long enough.

I am from Norway and sort of in opposite situation to you as I don’t like living in the U.K. and want to go back home. My British DH on the other hand, refuses to move. We met here and our children are born here. We compromise and I go home around once a month with our children. Massive carbon footprints, but it’s what saves me and our marriage.

I wonder where in Norway you live and how young your children are. If you live in Oslo, then it’s quite a bit community of British immigrants (or expats which British immigrants like to call themselves 😉).
Norway is quite a difficult society to integrate into I think, but it’s easier if you have young children as you can get to know other parents.

I honestly think Norway is such a nicer country to grow up as a child than the U.K.
The school system is better (in my view) and you have a functional health service too.

Whatever you decide, I hope you find a solution as being home sick is miserable.

Honestly, I would throw myself, heart & soul, into trying to make a go of it in Norway and at least give it a couple more years to see if your feelings might change. It’s only been a year so far.

Have you tried meeting fellow UK expats, through groups/forums whatever? Sharing your various issues as foreigners and just chatting in your own language can make a difference to how you feel.

I have several friends in your situation. We met working in London, and all of us met our dh’s during that time. I moved back home and my now dh followed. He left a great job in the city. My friends had their children in the UK, a couple of them divorced and none of them can move back even though it’s all they want. Like you they go back here with their children often, but it’s not the same thing obviously. I really feel for them. But it is what it is and it’s important to teach your kids both languages and the culture. Maybe they will want to move when they are old enough to make the decision then.

It sounds like you're very homesick. But if he refuses to leave, then you're stuck.

As others have said, it's only been a year.

It's a culture shock and I think it's not long enough to adapt.

Think you should agree to stay for the next couple of years and genuinely try to make it work for you. Maybe you could ask that in return he will agree to reconsider if it gets no better for you.

Your husband says 'my way or no way', he expects to be obeyed, that's not a partnership is it!