Is it controlling to ask DH to come home?

[Boulevardofhopefuldreams]

Sorry for length - I don’t have anyone else I can really share this with, sadly so once I start….

DH has been invited to the evening of a wedding 30 minutes away. It’s someone whom he classes as a very good friend but he’s not been invited to the wedding itself which he’s upset about, because his wife to be wants to invite the partners of a couple of friends invited to the day, so there isn’t room for him, despite the groom assuring DH he tried to fight his case to have him there over them. A few other, not as close to groom, friends are in the same position of just being invited to the evening without partners. The wedding is midweek.
As the friends don’t have children, they’ve decided to book a hotel near the venue to stay in afterwards. DH told me a while ago this was their plan and he wanted to discuss my thoughts on him doing it too. I shared that I wouldn’t be too pleased with this -

*We have no childcare aside from FIL, who’s just had a knee replacement and wedding is only a short few weeks away. He’s expecting FIL to have our 1 year old all day, collect 4 year old from school and then me finish work to take over. 1 year old does go to nursery twice (funded set days now) but this isn’t one of her days.
I work in a very difficult and stressful job which has been really getting to me of late, which DH knows. I come home exhausted and just want to cry. I’d be coming in from work with extra jobs than usual, rightly so, because I can’t expect FIL to be tidying round and sorting things out too much.

*Our 1 year old is a sleeping nightmare the second she realises something isn’t ‘normal’. DH has only recently came back from a 4 day stag do abroad where she spent most nights screaming for hours, asking for him. The thought of being at work all day, to be up for hours, to then have to get up really early to rush round getting them both up and ready for FIL to come again, to go to work on limited sleep, is filling me with anxiety. I don’t think it’s fair for FIL to be doing that much either, whilst he recovers. The next is also a really important day for me at work as it’s when I take on new clients and have to risk assess etc so need to be ‘on it’ and can’t take time away.
It would be more helpful IMO for him to go, have a lovely civilised time and come home so he can help in the morning. When DD was a baby she’d scream for hours every day and night which ruined my MH so when it happens now, I go back to that place.

The discussion didn’t go well but no more was said about it for weeks. Earlier this week, when I was organising our family e-calendar, I asked him about it. He then told me he’d booked and paid for the hotel and wasn’t going to tell me unless it was brought up again.

I tried to communicate to him that this wasn’t the best way to deal with something and quite frankly annoyed me that he’d be sneaky about it rather than say something like, it’s getting booked, I want to go but can we discuss a compromise or anything that could make it easier on you.

It was completely turned on me in that I’m trying to control him, he’d be having to miss out, he doesn’t want to get a taxi alone and it will be too expensive. I’ve checked and it will cost about £30, the same price as the hotel. He sees having to come back home as a major inconvenience to him vs the minor inconvenience to me. He then started protesting lots about how it’s clearly because I don’t trust him and how the wedding will finish after 12:30 and then they might want to go to the casino or out after.
Just to add, we struggle with disposable money, don’t have nights out for us and I’ve never had a night out for nearly a year, where I still came home after.
He berated me for trying to be a victim and essentially how he’s so badly done to because he doesn’t go on every drinking meet up with the friends (who’re childless) and it must be because I want him chained to the house, then started comparing me to all the other partners who don’t have an issue or they must just put up and shut up.

He can see his friends whenever he wants and often meets them for coffee etc and they have a group chat that’s always going, where they put on weekly football group bets so he’s not kept away from them by any means. He seems to not be bothered about us doing things but if the possibility of not going out with friends is on the table, he gets very defensive and angry. When pregnant with DD, I started developing PGP and could barely walk on a day he was due to go out day drinking. I asked if he could consider not going to help me with DS or compromise and come home earlier, to which he stormed around the house bellowing (scaring DS) and then went anyway, not coming back earlier.

For more context, I have ADHD so experience life differently and struggle with constant perfectionism vs never feeling good enough. My work involves taking on lots of others’ trauma and problems when this year has been quite frankly awful for me mentally - developing a near fatal health condition after birth, all of the impact of DD as a smaller baby with the screaming (undiagnosed allergy) and the DA perp my DM used to be married to, turned up as a volunteer at my work so I had all the impact of reliving that and reporting him (which happened twice as they promised to remove him once and failed to do so).

I pride myself on being a present parent and put my all into teaching and playing with the children so they are fairly obsessed with me which is lovely but exhausting too as they usually only want me.

I think to be honest this is the latest tip of the iceberg for me as I’m finding I’m becoming resentful of DH. I take on the lions share of the housework and mental planning; down to weekly meal plans (including the weekly shopping list), buying toys and books for the children, arranging with relatives what to get them for special occasions, buying their clothes/organising their wardrobes when they’re needing new sizes and organising the life admin of appointments (we also have 3 dogs who I organise all appointments for), phonics practice etc as well as planning where to go for days out as we’d just end up sat in the house doing nothing (him sat on the sofa barely interacting).
It’s only recently he’s started financially contributing to the children’s clothes as before he said me getting the child benefit to my account was for me to do it.
He’ll make a huge mess with the children in one room, won’t tidy up with them and then moves to another room where even more mess is created and it’s then on me to tidy up. Instead of washing up when it’s manageable, throughout the day he’ll just pile more and more dirty pots up until it’s a huge mess because he knows I can’t stand it and will usually ‘cave’ first.

DH by contrast isn’t a hardworking dad that needs a rest and seems to have gone from fairly tolerable to impossible since having the children. He wanders around leaving mess and clothes wherever he goes; imagine living with a teenage boy. He wears a pair of shorts, changes out of them, then leaves both pairs of bottoms strewn about, dirty socks and pants left on the floor or used wrappers and glasses in the home office. I’ve told him many times this is disrespectful as I’m not his parent and asked him to stop.

He gets to WFH most days a week which is a very relaxed role. He’s doing a qualification at the moment which involves many assignments. He procrastinates until the last minute, then panics and wants to shut himself away for hours in home time and leave me with the children, rather than organise work time to do it. He does some cooking and likes to use this as proof of him doing lots but this can only happen because I’ve planned the meal, done the list and even put a recipe if needed, into the family planner app.

I have to ask him for days to do one household job. He constantly comes up with ideas and ‘whims’ that never come to anything or says something needs doing, to put it on a list but then will never action it. He’ll open a letter and leave it out because it needs him to do something, but never do it and never put it away (we have a filing system).
When it’s just the children and I, everything is tidy and clean and I’m coming to realise he just adds to my stress and the mess.

DH had never lived alone (bar uni which was just a giant drink fest from what he tells me) whereas I moved out at an early age and feel living with him has made me lose so much of my previously capable and confident self as he took on all of the financial account organisation, then likes to berate me for not having anything to do with it.

If I ask for help with something that needs planning or purchasing e.g DS needs his bedroom completing revamping and new furniture, or a holiday for his birthday, I’m doing it alone as he’s no help. He just seems to wander around in his own world, incapable of doing anything. Not excusing but I’ve started to think he’s got ADHD too and he agreed he seems to but is doing nothing about looking into assessment. He constantly wants to put blame on me for things for my ADHD or do things to trigger it, when I’m very open about what does.

I know lots of people would wonder why I tolerate this but I have very little self-esteem and worry about not seeing the children every day and him having an ‘unsupervised’ role with them. Just yesterday, he decided to find a ‘hack’ video for a different way to cut an orange so instead of just quickly peeling an orange for DD with her, got all consumed in this video and cutting up an orange, wasn’t watching DD and she managed to pull her very big highchair over onto her head resulting in a big egg and a bruise.
He then started getting very angry at me saying it was completely unavoidable but also saying it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been ‘fannying’ around upstairs (I was actually putting the children’s washing onto the airer which he knew).
I had to instruct him to get ice out for her and had to demand he ring 111 multiple times for advice to make sure she didn’t need to be checked out, whilst I sat icing her head, as I hadn’t seen what had happened. He refused a few times saying he’d just Google it and wasn’t taking advice off someone in a call centre.

I’m sorry about how long this was! If you read it and have advice, thank you.

As I say, I know others may say I’d be happier/better separated but I have my worries and if I was to, I’d have no idea where to start or what the ‘process’ would be.

They changed the wedding plans including venue last minute and when I asked DH a few times when it was, he’d say he didn’t know or couldn’t remember. Whenever I try and discuss anything in advance to make such plans, he’s always extremely vague or ‘doesn’t know’.

This is bullshit. He's lying to you. You know that, don't you?

Who usually looks after DD on the days she’s not at nursery?

I only got to 'he berrated me for trying to be a victim'
That's a line my ex used to pull on me and still does (unfortunately I have to coparent with him) whenever he bullies me and is called out on it. Nasty. He is being very unreasonable for expecting to live the life of his child free friends. However you are being unreasonable for not taking time off for yourself. Use the casino money to put your baby in nursery for an extra day and use some of your annnual leave on a spa day and night away and let DH deal with the kids alone downtimes .

FIL usually has DD in our house when she’s not at nursery (we live a couple of streets away from FIL) but DH WFH at least 3 days a week so he’s about too. I’ve also had many a chat with him about how WFH is for that and that if he feels he needs to be there too, we should consider how we can make more nursery days work.
I finally had the mental push to take time off work sick for all the stress it’s been putting on me alongside home so I’ve been with her since the knee replacement.

I tried to take an hour to myself today and leave him with the children so I could simply wash my hair. Part way through he comes bursting into the bedroom demanding I help him as DD had a nappy leak. When I asked him to respect my time, I was shushed. Anything like that he demands I have to help him with but when he wants to go out, tells me I’ll be absolutely fine and won’t need any help.

Honestly I hate living like this as it’s rubbish to feel so unloved. I have an inner child that from my childhood, just wants to be loved and not be a relationship failure. I think of all the ways I’d be less stressed apart but I can’t seem to kick myself to put that above everything I worry it would bring.

This is so interestingly put. I wonder if at times im guilty of being a bit like your friend. It’s really made me reflect.

how does your friend cope with being divorced now and sharing her children?!

Honestly op, this is bigger than the overnight wedding thing. Im just divorcing my own version of your H. years ive put into this relationship. Trying to hold it all together whilst he swans around doing whatever he likes. Going out drinking with mates/nights away. Ive stayed for the kids and him telling me i couldnt do it all on my own etc. times hes let us down, times Ive stepped back so he could do things. Stressed because he won’t take on responsibility with housework etc. it came to a head and the final trigger for me was him going out mid morning to “watch a match” and not stumbling in until 230am the following morning, whilst im just expected to look after the kids. He daily drinks at home now, tells me im boring for not doing anything etc (i cant as all my money goes on kids etc). Cant wait to be free

you talk about lack of disposable income yet list 4 day stag dos/over nights away/coffees with mates/drinking = a lot of money. Wheres your money and time out?

enough

I didn’t read it all but it’s 1 night. Yes it is controlling to stop him going, it might be harder than usual but again, it’s 1 night. Ask nursery to swap the day that week if possible

I think you need to sort the bigger battles, the issues, it’s all muddled up. This night with his friends is fine, it would be a really shite life if ihe wasn’t allowed to go as he’s kids and you’ve adhd.

the fundamental issue is you don’t work as a team but as opponents. You don’t help each other. You don’t work together. I doubt you even care about each other, you’re both so embroiled in your petty battles.

yes he doesn’t do what’s required in terms of tidying, and yes you sound controlling. Where it needs to be the way you want it, or there is trouble. He’s not even allowed to stay the night with friends at a wedding, you’re acting like you’re his parent not his partner.

this trip should be something he can do. But you either need to learn to work together, or split. As it’s not ok to raise kids in an environment of two unhappy parents. Better to be apart than that.

Your H sounds self-centred in the extreme, and quite nasty, too- the thing amongst all the negative stuff that jumped out at me was him leaving something lying around to see how long it would take you to move it.
He also sounds very controlling about the finances - do you have access to everything? He can afford to book hotels and go to casinos but you can't book extra childcare?
He is being totally unreasonable about the wedding- an evening event 30 minutes away means he could get changed into his suit at 6pm, and get there by 7 easily. He could be back home by midnight-1am.

Personally, I'd agree to him staying in the hotel ( which frankly, he's going to do anyway, since he's already booked it) but then book extra childcare if you need it- you say you haven't got any, but it's time to start looking for it. You only need a mother's help type of arrangement this time, an extra pair of hands while you are there. Find a local teenager, or go through an agency. You don't need his permission for this.
Then I would start organising finances, make sure you know what there is, and that you have access to to it. If you don't have full access, get your own wages paid into a separate account. Start saving hard so that you have something to fall back on when you eventually split up, which you will, as no one could reasonably live with this level of disrespect.
Take time for yourself by going out of the house regularly, there's no reason to be a martyr and give up your hobbies. You could just go and sit in a cafe with a book, but he and the children need to learn to cope without you being there. Book yourself time away, preferably before the wedding..have you got an old friend or family member you could visit overnight?
You need to get out of the mindset where everything has to be perfect, and you also need to toughen up. If you are so stressed that you are taking time off work, something has to give. If he leaves his shorts on the floor, put them in a box or something. Stop doing washing and cooking for him. Spend your time doing things for yourself and the children. Get a cleaner. Do what you want, and realise that he doesn't ask your permission to do things, and you don't have to ask him for his permission.
You will end up leaving him at some point, so start getting ready for that.

Too long. But yes, it’s unreasonable to make him come home, and in my view far too much fuss over one night away.

I wouldn’t be happy if my spouse tried to stop me doing this

on initially reading your post I thought YABU, but then I read the rest and it’s not about the wedding is it?

i would echo other posters in that it shouldn’t be a big deal for one partner to go away overnight. Even if he has been away for a few days recently.

also your childcare isn’t adequate if you both work full time. I’d start by seeing if you can get an extra day in nursery for your daughter as a minimum.

let him go to wedding, but ask him to pay for childcare for 1yr old. Get a childminder to take her for the day.

but long term, you need to LTB. He sounds like a nightmare, doesn’t want to change and is lazy and selfish. Run

A) it's one night. One night! You've got huge problems if you can't cope with your child for one night/morning.
B) Everyone is tired at the end of the day
C) You are in the wrong job if you are giving everything you have to children in your care and have nothing left for your own child.
If he's so bad why are you still together?

I don’t think the issue is the wedding really, it’s the division of tasks in your relationship.
I’d suck it up for one night - nothing will happen if things aren’t perfect for a night.
But I’d address the bigger issues in your relationship pronto, because resentment is a killer, and solo parenting is not for the feint hearted.

Completely aside, how bloody rude is it to have someone at your 4 night stag do, with all the expense and arrangements that go, then only invite them to the night do??

@LastNightMyPJsSavedMyLife Thank you for imparting your wisdom of the fairytale land you inhabit, where everything is black and white.
I never once said I’m incapable of caring for my child(ren), I detailed how when one was a baby she screamed for hours on end so when she does, as she does every time she knows one of us isn’t there, that takes me back there.

I also didn’t say I look after children for a job but, if you’d worked for many years seeing things like people with bits of their arms hacked off, blood everywhere, exposure to horrific incidents in great detail etc, maybe you’d be a tad impacted too.
I also don’t prescribe to this view that other people have done it/had worse/are tired so that means you have to just shut up and cope but glad it works for you.

Thank you to those who’ve posted your own experiences and shared some advice - that’s been really useful to read and I’ll have a look over some other longer term posts here too as was suggested.

I’ve said before but absolutely prepared to accept that one night is BU on my part - I’m just worn down and probably reacting to the tip of things which isn’t really the main issue.
Just to clarify, I haven’t told him he cannot do it or I’m refusing to ‘allow’ it, just that I’d rather he didn’t and clearly it is happening.

The stag do was for a different wedding, this wedding he couldn’t afford to go. He’s just told me he’s also now been asked to go for drinks in the same place as the wedding, the night before.

it sounds like the wedding is just the tip of the iceberg and that this has been going on for a long time
he is still living as if he is single
he is clearly only interested in himself and what suits him
he sounds controlling
while he’s at the wedding maybe think about what works for you and is in your best interests- my guess is that doing without him would ease your stress no end

He's massively taking the piss. Let him go to the wedding safe in the knowledge that's the end of your marriage.
You deserve better than this waste of space.
He's rude disrespectful and lazy.

This is not how you treat your life partner no way. Fuck that. Get rid of him

I have ADHD, when you have DC you have to grow the fuck up and be responsible, reasonable and fair.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

He has you trapped and downtrodden and knows it. Deliberately doing things to see if you notice WTF.

It's not just one night though ? He sounds absolutely useless.

OP you are jumping on anyone who offers an alternative viewpoint. I think the PP who talked about a friend who can do no wrong was not far off the mark. That is definitely at least part of the problem.

Look, your husband sounds like a selfish arsehole. However, he also very much sounds like he has ADHD. I have it, and I recognised so much of myself in your description of him. The messiness, the procrastination, easily distracted, YouTube rabbit holes. A lot of the time I KNOW what I need to be doing, what I should be doing, but I just can’t make myself do it.

Your ADHD seems to manifest very differently to mine (and possibly your Hs). It just seems like a complete personality clash - you have different expectations around work, home life, chores, child care, raising the children, social life. He is never going to match up to your expectations, and whether that’s because of his ADHD or because he’s a prick is actually irrelevant. Martyring yourself is not helping and will not make him pick up the slack. I would suggest counselling , but probably with a view to separating. It doesn’t sound like this is going to work in the long term.

something niggling me is the hotel is the same price as taxi home (30£) yet he wants to stay out overnight in a hotel when he could just taxi home for same price. I’m probably just suspicious but his overall behaviour isn’t ideal I think.

Someone who deliberately makes your life harder is not someone who’s in for the long haul. The children will be more damaged growing up witnessing two endlessly clashing parents than living with one calmer parent and visiting the other one. I’m assuming if he can’t change a nappy he won’t be volunteering for 50/50.
Separating is complicated and very challenging, but like any mega task , the trick is to break it down into smaller bites, like how you would eat an elephant.
You can’t keep carrying this man-child, he is too much of a drain.