I’m in the earlyish stages of dating an older widowed man (61 years old but still very active, fit.) I’m 45 and divorced. I had a terrible abusive relationship and my DC father is now in jail for gang related murder. I have worked my way from nothing to affording private school for DC and a house and I am very proud of how independent I have become and what I have achieved.
I’ve known this man about a decade as a friend / acquaintance as we work in the same industry. His kids are grown up and left, and mine are still small-ish (under 10.) I really like him, we have a lot of fun, he’s consistent and kind and loving and the sex is good.
one thing that I just can’t understand is that he keeps saying he suffers from guilt when we are together because he feels he is taking me away from my young DC.
there have been a few versions of this over the time we have spent together. One where he cried because of memories he had of being a child and his mother struggling and leaving an abusive relationship with his father and then working and being the sole breadwinner (a story similar to mine) and his experience of wanting more of his mum but she was so stretched with work / DC and a boyfriend. Sometimes when we are having fun I feel that he “turns” in his head (he does not say anything but it’s like an shadow comes over his face / he looks haunted) and he internally admonishes me for being with him instead of my children. He likens me to his mother a lot and our stories - she is 98 and I have met her and like her!
to be clear, I don’t sacrifice time with my DC to be with him. I see him when they are in bed or when they are with their cousins (my sister and dparents are very active in helping with DC, I am very lucky in that sense,) I feel like he is processing something of his own and projecting it on to me. He insists that he is not and that from his vantage point (being a wise old owl at 61 and now grown up with DC who have flown the nest, his wisdom is that I need to spend every single moment with my DC now or I will regret it.)
is this a common thing those with small DC and dating a certain generation of man have experienced? I am struggling to understand it from his point of view and get annoyed sometimes and feel patronised that he is even deciding what I should feel guilty about. He is certainly enjoying the sex enough in our relationship to not let it go. Am I missing something here?
he loves his own DC deeply and wants to spend all the time he can with them. He has been deeply affected by his parents relationship and his own experience of his DC losing their mum. I am empathetic and admiring of all of that and appreciate his feelings but there is part of me that feels I have not come this far and built this much to be told how to feel about the balance of my life or guilt tripped. Or am I being a dick and he has a point?
he has asked to meet my DC as a friend and I allowed him in the context of being my friend and while my parents and Dsis were there too. He spent all his time with them, getting to know them, really demonstrating to me that he cared about them.
am I wrong to feel patronised? Has this happened to anyone else? Is this “guilt” a patriarchal / misogynist thing?