Older b/f keeps telling me he feels guilty for taking me away from my DC

[FFSasusual]

I’m in the earlyish stages of dating an older widowed man (61 years old but still very active, fit.) I’m 45 and divorced. I had a terrible abusive relationship and my DC father is now in jail for gang related murder. I have worked my way from nothing to affording private school for DC and a house and I am very proud of how independent I have become and what I have achieved.

I’ve known this man about a decade as a friend / acquaintance as we work in the same industry. His kids are grown up and left, and mine are still small-ish (under 10.) I really like him, we have a lot of fun, he’s consistent and kind and loving and the sex is good.

one thing that I just can’t understand is that he keeps saying he suffers from guilt when we are together because he feels he is taking me away from my young DC.

there have been a few versions of this over the time we have spent together. One where he cried because of memories he had of being a child and his mother struggling and leaving an abusive relationship with his father and then working and being the sole breadwinner (a story similar to mine) and his experience of wanting more of his mum but she was so stretched with work / DC and a boyfriend. Sometimes when we are having fun I feel that he “turns” in his head (he does not say anything but it’s like an shadow comes over his face / he looks haunted) and he internally admonishes me for being with him instead of my children. He likens me to his mother a lot and our stories - she is 98 and I have met her and like her!

to be clear, I don’t sacrifice time with my DC to be with him. I see him when they are in bed or when they are with their cousins (my sister and dparents are very active in helping with DC, I am very lucky in that sense,) I feel like he is processing something of his own and projecting it on to me. He insists that he is not and that from his vantage point (being a wise old owl at 61 and now grown up with DC who have flown the nest, his wisdom is that I need to spend every single moment with my DC now or I will regret it.)

is this a common thing those with small DC and dating a certain generation of man have experienced? I am struggling to understand it from his point of view and get annoyed sometimes and feel patronised that he is even deciding what I should feel guilty about. He is certainly enjoying the sex enough in our relationship to not let it go. Am I missing something here?

he loves his own DC deeply and wants to spend all the time he can with them. He has been deeply affected by his parents relationship and his own experience of his DC losing their mum. I am empathetic and admiring of all of that and appreciate his feelings but there is part of me that feels I have not come this far and built this much to be told how to feel about the balance of my life or guilt tripped. Or am I being a dick and he has a point?

he has asked to meet my DC as a friend and I allowed him in the context of being my friend and while my parents and Dsis were there too. He spent all his time with them, getting to know them, really demonstrating to me that he cared about them.

am I wrong to feel patronised? Has this happened to anyone else? Is this “guilt” a patriarchal / misogynist thing?

Another one here who is absolutely creeped out by this weird man OP.

You sound like you’re doing a great job with DC.

But you’ve picked a dud bloke here. Get rid.

💐

He sounds strange. Tell him to stop telling you what to do.

You're parenting your kids just fine, just as you were before you met him.

Tell him you've taken his advice since he won't shut up about it no matter how many times you ask and need to spend more time with your children. You don't want to shortchange your relationship with him, so you'll still go out on the occasional "date", but you'll have to go home straight afterwards to see the children so no sex for the foreseeable future.

Regardless of his reasons for thinking what he does, you've told him your relationship with your children is fine. His continuing to nag and guilt-trip you about something that's none of his business when you've basically said you don't wish to change is not the way a well-intentioned person treats an equal partner.

How recently was he widowed?

Has he dated much since his wife died?

He may just want a more casual relationship and this is his way of cooling things down.

Whatever his reasons, you are spending a lot of time analysing a new relationship that seems to be making you feel uncomfortable.

It sounds like he would be better of with (or looking for) a regular FWB rather than entering in to a step-parenting situation.

If you're looking for a relationship, cut your losses and bin this one.

Sorry to be shallow but I'd have zero interest in being with someone who referred to themselves as a 'wise old owl'. He's 61! About the same age as Kamala Harris. It sounds as if the age gap is an attraction for him in a way I don't like - nothing wrong with age gaps per se, but I don't like people specifically getting off on it.

My dp is 58 and sure he's a grown up and has retirement plans, but he's a lively human being who doesn't fetishise his own age.

I'd say thank him for the good times and start detaching, personally.

Please bin this person, he obviously has issues and you have your priorities exactly right. He’s trying to wear you down …

This is my thought too.
I'd be very careful indeed- some men form relationships with women with children to gain access to the children and then sexually abuse them.
Alternatively, is he angling to move in together so he has a carer for himself as he gets older?
His paternalistic attitudes alone would be enough for me to throw this one back...

Creepy, critical, mummy issues, over friendly with your kids, manipulative and too old for you OP. What could possibly go wrong? Throw this one back OP, you can do so much better than him, he sounds really quite strange.

Honestly OP, the more you post about him the more creepy he sounds. He's obviously got some kind of agenda to try to manipulate you this way.

As you say he is laying it on thick about how you're failing as a mum but happy to take advantage of the situation. He's not someone I'd want to be in a relationship with, let alone let into my family.

I've met guys who your post reminds me of, and they are very damaged people. Well-meaning, but they can't help project their issues on to the world. With the ones I've met they're not sinister predators, they're just very broken people who haven't found a way to heal.

Those types of guys aren't for me personally because I absorb people's energy and I would find it too stressful to cope, but they're a good match for people who like to nurture and have a saving/rescuing complex.

It's interesting reading this thread because I've just come from another one where people in the comments are horrified that the partner went away a few times with the lads leaving the kids with the mum, and people saying they'd never dream of leaving their kids overnight until they were teenagers. I suspect that not many of them have made it here to this thread.

He's got you jumping trough hoops and is telling you who is, listen to him.

He's telling you he's not good enough for your children. But yet wants to spend time with them??

This is next hoop,, do not give this man access to your children.

Meh, he may be creepy (or he may be a potentially great grandad)

but whatever.

"you're right, you've got far too much baggage for me. I'm going to end this relationship. Have a nice life"

How is he not giving you the ick?
It's totally giving me the creeps just reading this.

He's old enough to be your father, and it shows.

He has no right to comment on your parenting.

I would message him and say

"I've been reflecting on what you've said and you're right, I'm not ready to be in a relationship. I'm just going to focus on the kids and spending time with them. I hope you find the happiness you're looking for".

Then back away fast!

I suspect if you send the message above he'll come back quickly trying to backtrack and will then try a different kind of manipulation. This is often the case when manipulative people don't get their way.

There are much better prospects for a partner out there OP. Don't ignore your subconscious shouting at you to get rid!

Absolutely this. Why would a man approaching retirement really want to be a step parent to preteens?

And while the age gap might feel ok at the moment, in a few years it’ll start to be far more noticeable and you will end up as a nurse with a purse as well as still having teenagers.

If I’m being really honest, what I’m reading is giving me the creeps. I couldn’t continue with him, he sounds grim. Why are you jumping through hoops to pander to proving yourself worthy of this horrible man?

Urgh.

I’m not jumping on, but others seem to feel the same - it’s almost given me the heebie jeebies OP.

This is a new red flag for the list, whatever it is.

Is he wanting to move in with you, don't let him. And don't let him see your DC again, they are nothing to do with him.

This. Find someone your own age

Op you deserve someone to grow old with and who will lighten your load.

I actually think he knows this isn't a long term relationship and he might even be trying to break it off by making it your idea. Just take a massive step back.

Creep, get rid.

I have experience

He is projecting his Mummy issues onto you, not attractive

I'm another one who finds this appalling.

The more you post about him the more patronising he sounds. I'd be raging if anyone had sent me that text. To be honest, I'd have sent a rude text saying, 'I am utterly sick of having my parenting skills criticised by a patronising wanker with Mummy issues. I won't be seeing you again and I suggest you might be happier if you got some therapy'.

How CAN you have sex with this prat?

I agree with this. I smell a rat, but I’m not sure what kind of rat.