Not sure of next step

[Confusedasusual46]

Please be gentle I’m feeling emotional. I met my partner 2.5 years ago. He is funny and kind everyone loves him. He is not great with emotions and tends to avoid conflict but we work on it. I care for his lovely children when it is his weekend we have fun I have bonded with them I cook for him etc as he works hard. I was clear from day one that I am looking for marriage and commitment as I personally feel that marriage bonds two people as family and I always wanted a family. As time has gone on there’s not been much mention of our future plans and when we talk about it he says he struggles to talk about it. He says things like “ if I want to get married I’ll get married” I tried to have a really good adult conversation about our plans going forward and he vaguely said he will move in to my house next year at some point. I did try to press the point that actually I was looking for commitment beyond this but I started to feel like I was pressuring him for an engagement ring and I got embarrassed. He started to shut down anyway and he always says we can talk about this another time or “never say never.”. I don’t know what to do next. I cannot wait indefinitely. Is 2.5 years long enough to have given this before I walk away. Doing so will be greatly upsetting but it feels the only option.

Time to move on.

He doesn't want to marry you. The set up suits him. Nothing you've said indicates he wants anything more. Never say never? There's 2 nevers in that sentence.

It does sound like he’s stringing you along to be honest? He may feel burned by a previous relationship break down and want to take things more slowly. When DC are involved a parent does need to take things more slowly.

You sound like a very convenient 1950s housewife substitute.

What sort of dad is he if you're doing the childcare? He should be the one doing the caring when he has them.

What does he do for you?

What benefit to you would there be in living together if he moves into your place and you're running round like a stepford wife after him?

Honestly you're setting yourself up for a life of drudging after some bloke that doesn’t do his share at home or with the children.

Catch yourself on.

Be glad it hasn't happened yet and start expecting more for yourself.

He already has a failed relationship with children and is using you as a steady ship and ample free childcare.

Leave him he has no intention of committing it you and if you let him move in you will gain a cocklodger

Sorry, but it does sound like he's using you as convenient child care. You're bending over backwards to demonstrate how useful you are to him and he's happy to go along with it while it suits him. What does he bring to the table, other than domestic tasks for you to fulfill? Do you go out and do fun stuff just the 2 of you?

You don't live together yet his kids are at yours on his time? no commitment?, there's no need he's getting everything he wants without it.

Thank you xx

We don’t go out much. He is a big guy who likes a lot of s*x
so I guess I enjoy that
He is very protective

I would need far more security than this to want to marry someone, especially when it’s only been 2.5yrs.
At the moment you are doing everything for him and want him to move in to your house, presumably you can then take even more care of him then. Its like your asking for the official job title for the role your doing.
Past marriage where do you see this going and what do you get in return?

What is a cocklodger ?? That made me laugh out loud 😂

Open your eyes, this man doesn't love you.

He wants a woman to look after his kids, cook his meals and fuck him, and what do you get in return? No respect, no commitment and he makes you feel small and moany if you question any part of your relationship.

I promise you, if you make plans for the weekends that he has his kids and tell him he'll have to entertain his own DC, feed them and clean up after them at his place for the rest of the year, he'll either dump you or pretend that he plans to marry you 🙄

You are a wife-like appliance to him, not an actual wife.

Yes that’s it! I want my official title ! X
i cannot see beyond marriage
it almost more like a fantasy that I want to see fulfilled then I can live “ happily ever after” I think he may be the type that if he was forced into marriage he would go very boring and arsey as he doesn’t have his own space. I’m trying to put a square peg into a round hole to suit my fantasy.

Thank you this just cuts straight to the heart of the matter x

It might be a fantasy now, while the sex is good and it's still fresh, but it'll wear bloody thin to be slogging your guts out for a complacent arsehole who expects you to pick up his parenting role and look after him.

Look for an equal partner who shoulders his own responsibilities and makes your life easier, not someone to mother.

How old are both of your children OP?

Reading your post I think he likes things as they are and is in no hurry to change any time soon. Which might suit him but you want more than sex and childcare and rightly so after 2.5 years

That’s great that you enjoy the sex but don’t you want him to take you out of funds can afford?
Sex is pretty much a given in an adult relationship anyway especially at the start, but being able to share night out and getting dressed up can be a great way to spend time to together. I don’t think I would be happy if my relationship with my boyfriend centred around sex and no nights out.

How old are you both?

Do you have children of your own? If you don't live together what is the set up with you doing the cooking and childcare for his kids?

This .
Please wake up OP.
Do you seriously think a man who is using you like this will marry you if he can avoid it?
He knows you haven't an ounce of self respect to be putting up with this.
No one with any self respect would behave as if they had so little value.

You are the free skivvy aupair and he will string you along as long as it suits him.

His priority is having a skivvy for his children.
What has happened in your life that you would put up with this?

Stop being a skivvy aupair now.
Get counselling.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you find some self respect for yourself.

You deserve so much better than this.

Yes to the Freedom Programme.

And read Women Who Love Too Much.

Please realise that, even if he - or someone like him - were to marry you, you'd end up deeply unhappy. Right now you are sending out signals to the wrong types of men, the kind who will just use you for their own benefit.

Currently you are very vulnerable. You need to learn to be the kind of woman who is happy in her own right, without a man to prop her up. You need to be strong enough to be able to carve a meaningful life on your own. Only then will you stand a chance of having a worthwhile relationship.

You can still have the sex, but that doesn't mean you have to look after his children or let him move in, or anything else.

Look elsewhere for your commitment and support as this man won't give it to you. He's not a giver, he's a taker - don't let him drain you.

Thank you ❤️

If he has told you “if I want to get married, I’ll get married” he clearly doesn't want to marry you does he? Because he has told you, he would if he wanted to. Well, he hasn't. His actions (or lack of) are actually showing you all you need to know.
He doesn't want to get married. You do. Don't waste more time on this one.

I feel like 2.5 years is enough for him to be able to commit. If he doesn’t want to or feels like he cannot then I really understand that but I can’t live without it as I’d feel taken the piss out of and that I wasn’t worth the risk.

And what would happen if you told him you can't look after his kids this weekend as you're going away for 2 nights with some friends, would he get annoyed he has to look after his own kids or say Have a nice time.