Not sure of next step

[Confusedasusual46]

Please be gentle I’m feeling emotional. I met my partner 2.5 years ago. He is funny and kind everyone loves him. He is not great with emotions and tends to avoid conflict but we work on it. I care for his lovely children when it is his weekend we have fun I have bonded with them I cook for him etc as he works hard. I was clear from day one that I am looking for marriage and commitment as I personally feel that marriage bonds two people as family and I always wanted a family. As time has gone on there’s not been much mention of our future plans and when we talk about it he says he struggles to talk about it. He says things like “ if I want to get married I’ll get married” I tried to have a really good adult conversation about our plans going forward and he vaguely said he will move in to my house next year at some point. I did try to press the point that actually I was looking for commitment beyond this but I started to feel like I was pressuring him for an engagement ring and I got embarrassed. He started to shut down anyway and he always says we can talk about this another time or “never say never.”. I don’t know what to do next. I cannot wait indefinitely. Is 2.5 years long enough to have given this before I walk away. Doing so will be greatly upsetting but it feels the only option.

Well he's got it made hasn't he OP?

You are cooking, caring for him and his kids, and sitting patiently waiting for commitment/marriage, free childcare on his weekends.

He's not protective, he's keeping you happy so you keep on being his provider.

2.5 yrs is long enough for him to know what he wants.
He's using you, as you suit him for now. As his kids get older, he'll kick you to the kerb and move on.

If you want a family of your own, you need to prioritise that. End this and find someone who wants the same goals and life as you. This guy is using you.

If HE wants to get married he'll get married.

HE'll move into yours next year - oh will he indeed?

What makes him think he gets to swab about calling the shots and you're supposed to be grateful for bestowing the pleasure of doing so on you

"wife-like appliance"

This is the first time I've heard this phrase, so thank you.

@Confusedasusual46 buttonsB4 is right. He's getting the milk, so why shoukd he buy the cow? Taking it slow is one thing, but he is shutting the convo down every time. If you want a husband and family, move on!

Going against the grain here but I can't see much wrong except that he isn't pushing marriage. Would you be happy with all the other aspects of the relationship if everything was exactly the same but you were married?
He could be wary of marriage having already had an unsuccessful one.
I'm honestly surprised at the amount of people labelling this guy a freeloader, accusing him of using you for free childcare etc. If this was a single mum saying she had an amazing partner who cooked for her, helped looked after her kids etc but she wasn't sure she wanted to get married again after a bad experience everyone would be saying that's your prerogative and don't let him force you into marriage!

I suppose the question is really, is marriage a deal breaker for you? If you honestly think your relationship won't survive without marriage then maybe you have your answer. I just don't think I would throw away a good relationship (if that's how you see it) purely because he's unsure on marriage. It doesn't suddenly make a relationship any more committed or serious than any other - you only have to read any of the threads on here to see that.

Well there you have it.
You have Hollywood Romcoms stuck in your head, not reality.
A cocklodger is a man who finds a woman like you who has little sense of hersef beyond an attachment to a male figure possibly because of a 'trad' family background, and he exploits that, moves in for free sex housework and mothering. He invariably disrespects her at best or has outright contempt for the woman he is exploiting, as if you are an extension of his mother that he takes for granted.

As soon as you settle in to the role, which it appears you have, he will start to get bored and look for something 'sexier/more exciting'

The term for this clichéd dynamic is called 'madonna/whore'
When the woman wakes up to her gullibility the bloke can be very difficult to remove, especially if they have moved in properly. Dont let that happen.

Sorry if thats harsh but you clearly need tough love to wake you up to the reality asap before this goes anyfurther.
I predict if you stay with him, he will upend your life one way or another.
As to the sex you seem unsure, as if being wanted is the more important issue.

I agree with the others who are saying he's got it made - you are doing all the drudgery of a wife, he's getting sex and his kids looked after and he's no intention of offering you any real commitment at all. He'll string you along for as long as you wait - and when you get fed up and move on he'll find someone to replace you as the 'wife like appliance'. He's a user.

However, if you want to give it one last chance you could always say to him, 'I feel that 2.5 years is long enough to waste on a relationship that doesn't feel like it's going anywhere. Either we marry in the next 6 months, and that means we set a date and book it in the next week or two - or I'm going to end the relationship and find someone who wants the same things as I do. At the moment you're not offering me much'.

I think he'll dump you. But at least you'll know you spelled it out loud and clear and gave him the option to keep you if he really valued you.

He likes a lot of sex so you ‘guess’ you enjoy that.

When I read that it reads like it could have been written - he likes to go fishing at weekends, so I guess I enjoy that

or he likes a lot of macaroni cheese for most of our meals together, so I guess I enjoy that

or even - he likes me to put a strap on and call him Martha while dressed as the tooth fairy, so I guess I enjoy that

Do YOU actually enjoy that or do you say/ think you enjoy it as much because you love him and that’s what he prefers?

Why would he marry you when he’s got you exactly where he wants you, for free?
Free childcare, free sex, free meals - and it sounds like it’s all served up with a pleasantly grateful smile on your face.

I’d give him and ultimatum or plan a weekend away with friends or family so he has to look after his own children and cook for himself while you’re away. He may realise he’s got a lot to be grateful for.

That’s if he isn’t then lovingly ‘protective’ and stops you doing that.

Why would anyone want to get married to someone they have had to been strongarmed into?
Its madness!
He will resent her endlessly.

I don't think he'll agree to it. I think she needs to be able to tell herself that after 2.5 years she made it clear to him that it was piss or get off the pot.

And he got off the pot.

I wouldnt take that risk.
Better she preserves her dignity, and gives him a lesson in respect rather than play games.
She is close to the begging stage, if she hasnt passed it already.
Years later, all the women on Mumsnet who were in situations like these beat themselves up for losing their self respect.
The Ball needs to be in her court, not in anyway in his, not even to test him, which women do all the time rather than take control of their own actions as a way to avoid taking control of their own lives.
And with that usually goes a saviour complex which she is already playing out, proving what a valuable little homemaker she is, to someone who expects nothing less and for nothing back.
Its so disempowering and invariably backfires.

The thing is we don't marry everyone we've had a relationship with.

It doesn't sound likely that you two will end up (happily) married.

But that's ok, chalk it up to experience and go date someone else. Every relationship teaches us something.

If you really love this one and can see yourself being happy with him & marriage is important to you then you need to issue an ultimatum and be absolutely prepared to walk away when he either says no or wouldn't set a date.

Even if you really love him, if he won't marry you when it means so much to you then please walk away. He'll use you until he finds your replacement, much better to leave on your own terms

If he has DC and you don't live together, why are they coming to your place, why aren't they staying with him? The answer is because you're letting him get away with murder Op, he has lots of sex, free childcare and absolutely no commitment. He makes moving in with you sound as if he'd be doing you a favour, a rather half hearted favour at that. I'm sure you're a lovely person Op but you're being a mug, you're a sweetheart and he's a user, please stop worrying about marriage because he doesn't deserve you, you are much too good for him

@Confusedasusual46 Under no circumstances get pregnant. Make sure you are in charge of rock solid contraception.

Thank you I LOVE this comment x

Yea I am trying to prove what great wife material I am defo which now makes me wonder what on earth I am doing 😭

Gotta start thinking "yeah I can be the perfect wife" - but is this man going to fit the "perfect husband" role?

From where I'm sitting, it doesn't look like it.

What sort of father to your potential children would he be? He looks pretty fucking dire lacklustre as a dad if he palms off childcare to a girlfriend, even a serious one. He won't magically improve with joint children.

See him for who he actually is. He ain't all that.

You're trapping yourself in a dynamic where you are obligated to do wife work for a man who won't discuss a future and shows no interest in marrying you.
You have made your home available and your services dependable. I'm sure he's fond of you but turn off the childcare tap and see how that goes down.

THANK GOD you're not married to this dead beat dad who uses you to look after his kids.

It's AMAZING that you are free to run away and have a much better life.

He's just wants a servant OP

Do you WATERTIGHT contraception?

Avoiding talking or making plans for a long committed future is a warning that he doesn't want to, I have stuck by a boyfriend too long, he would say things like, I'm not quite ready to live together, maybe when this or that has happened, marriage is a long way off etc, it wasn't a no so held out hope, it hurt when the realisation was he just didn't want to with me, he had lived with girlfriend before and since, he just didn't want to with me. I always wondered why he was in a relationship that he didn't want going anywhere.

Don't waste time acting like a wife and stepmum, when you could find a guy that really wants to plan a future with you.

This is so sad.
Do you really want to be with a man that it was your free skivvy au pair usefulness that swung it for him to marry you?

So bloody sad uf you honestly thinks that will give you a long happy marriage.
More likely is that he would use you for years and once his children are beyond intense childcare needs, he would start looking around....if not before.

It is so important to respect your partner in marriage.
How can he have any respect for you when you clearly have shown that you have so little for yourself?

Skivvying for him and his children, begging for marriage?

Come on OP, you are worth so much more than a controlling "protective"🙄, sex mad man that needs free childcare for kids he would rather work than spend time with.

He must think he has struck gold for now.

No woman with an ounce of self-esteem would be with him.

I'm so sorry, but you are very foolish not to realise you deserve so much better.