Not sure of next step

[Confusedasusual46]

Please be gentle I’m feeling emotional. I met my partner 2.5 years ago. He is funny and kind everyone loves him. He is not great with emotions and tends to avoid conflict but we work on it. I care for his lovely children when it is his weekend we have fun I have bonded with them I cook for him etc as he works hard. I was clear from day one that I am looking for marriage and commitment as I personally feel that marriage bonds two people as family and I always wanted a family. As time has gone on there’s not been much mention of our future plans and when we talk about it he says he struggles to talk about it. He says things like “ if I want to get married I’ll get married” I tried to have a really good adult conversation about our plans going forward and he vaguely said he will move in to my house next year at some point. I did try to press the point that actually I was looking for commitment beyond this but I started to feel like I was pressuring him for an engagement ring and I got embarrassed. He started to shut down anyway and he always says we can talk about this another time or “never say never.”. I don’t know what to do next. I cannot wait indefinitely. Is 2.5 years long enough to have given this before I walk away. Doing so will be greatly upsetting but it feels the only option.

Stop looking after his children, stop having them at your house, stop giving money (whether that's food, treats, heating, or paying for days out). See him on date nights at pubs, cinema, restaurants and sleep over at his house perhaps he can cook you meals there. Ask to be woo'd and courted and treated like a normal girlfriend and not being taken for granted as a childminder or cook.

He will either step up and commit to you properly (doubtful) or he will find someone else who will take over his "chores". You will win either way as you will finally know where you stand in this relationship. Good luck, and start placing those boundaries and sticking to them.

So he comes over for a meal, a shag and somewhere to palm his children off. Why would he change that set-up? It works perfectly for him.

What do you mean when you say he's very protective?

Do you want children? If so, you are wasting your time I think.

I think your comment about him being a big guy who likes sex quite odd. He can still go out and enjoy life with you. What has being big got to do with it? It sounds like your life is caring for his kids and sex. Also like pp asked, what do you mean he is protective? Are you allowed to go out without him?

I must admit I wonder if protective actually means controlling,

Sorry I mean I find him very attractive and he’s very protective. He never gets jealous or anything or aggressive x

Doesn’t sound very “protective” if he won’t protect your status by committing to you fully.

What exactly is so dangerous in your life that you need protection? Your cocklodger sounds like the most immediate threat to you right now if I’m honest.

You said it yourself. If he wanted to marry you he would. He doesn’t, so he won’t. Can’t be clearer than that.

What do you mean by protective? It’s quite an ambiguous word tbh

Just having a good sex life and nothing to complain about is not a good foundation for an affectionate family life in the future.
He should be responding better if he wants what you want. As he won't tell you what he wants you are stopped from moving forward by him.
Give it up hun; it actually didn't get started.

Wanting to have a marriage isn’t a fantasy, well maybe it is with him. It’s not like you want to marry a prince or a film star, that’s fantasy for most people. You just want what most people have - a marriage and a family and you deserve that. He is unlikely to give you that. Go find someone who will

Time to move on from this guy. Don't be one of these women who come on here complaining that they had hoped he would change his mind and they lost their chance of having a family. How old are you?

When women say "he doesn't get aggressive" as a reason why their partner is a "good guy" you know their standards are on the floor.

A man not beating you up is the absolute bare minimum you should expect.

Were you brought up in a home where violence was the norm OP? Because someone not hitting you is no basis for a relationship and if that's the best reason you can think of to stay with him, I feel that life must have treated you very badly.

This thread must be HTH for you, I'm sorry your hopes for your partnership hasn't come to fruition.

This is the problem with a lot of relationships though, one person has an idea of what they want and another goes along with it for whatever reason i.e. sex, protection, got comfortable etc. And often the got comfortable thing is the killer. Who wants to make changes when they are comfortable. Your DP has what he wants, sex, home cooking, childcare, ego boost that he is desirable, and hos own space as and when he likes it. Why would he change?

I think of relationships like a business, the best partnerships I've seen are between people who share common goals and principles. They agree with a plan to grow and develop that relationship and they implement that plan. They then keep planning and growing together. Sadly your DP is, for whatever reason, could be burned by a previous relationship and is fearful of getting too deep, or he could just be a lazy bum. The matter is that he is not willing to share your aims and goals. You've been honest with him about what you want, he's tagged along for the sex and home comforts.

Time to shake his tree, if he is serious, he will buck up, if he's not he will just find someone else who will do everything for him.

Men often like a bit of a chase, your DP got instant housewife. Become a girlfriend again and make hom work for it.

I care for his lovely children when it is his weekend

Does he not look after them himself? Sounds like he's got what he wanted and doesn't want to change anything.

You don't live together but you cook for him and look after his kids?

Are you trying to prove what great wife material you are?

What do you need protecting from?

He is not going to marry you. If he had a clear plan for two of you, you would know it by seeing the progress in your relationship and you two having meaningful conversations about things.

The term was new to me also when I joined MN. It's British slang for a man who ingratiates himself with a woman for specific benefits, like a rent free place to live, someone to cook and clean for him, money for the pub, etc. The only thing he might provide in return is sex.

Edited to add: OP, I was engaged a year after I started dating my DH, and we were married a year after that. That's a pretty normal timeline. If he has no interest after two and a half years, it's never going to happen. You have to decide if it's important enough to find someone else with the same goals as you do.

I hope this is not the case.

It's all for him and nothing in it for you. He doesn't want to marry you so if you were hoping to bolster your wife points, it hasn't worked.

You can be the kids' stepmum if you're offering...but you'll not be the wife.

Like fuck would I be caring for his kids for him. Pffft.

I mean, the bar is literally on the floor with some women.

It's clear to see the effort you're putting into this relationship - what effort is he putting in, because from your posts it doesn't sound like much?

He’s using you and taking full advantage of your good nature. End the relationship. He doesn’t want to marry you, he wants your unpaid labour.

Using a woman’s time and energy for childcare and cooking (and planning to use her finances for a house by moving into yours ) without any of the security of marriage is not protective, its putting your future at risk.

‘I’ve been thinking, I want to be in a relationship that’s headed towards marriage. This isn’t, it’s been 2.5 years and you get mad at me if I suggest it. I’m sure I’m extremely convenient for you, since I cook and look after your children, but I’m worth more than being someone’s unvalued convenient option. I will pack up any things you’ve left at mine.’

I walked away for a 4 year relationship fairly recently. I got tired of the endless empty promises and him refusing to make any sort of commitment to me (marriage, purchasing a house together etc).

The only regret I have is not leaving earlier. Actions speak louder than words!! Don’t waste anymore time with him

@Confusedasusual46

You never go anywhere because he wants lots of sex. You take care of his kids for him when it's his contact time. You're a 'nanny with a fanny'. Try 'being busy' when it's his contact time so he has to take care of his own kids. Try saying 'no' or 'not feeling well' the next few times he wants to have sex . See how long he sticks around.

And BTW when we say someone is 'protective' it usually ends up meaning 'controlling'. How does he 'protect' you? And just what does he think you need 'protecting' from?