To not attend my Father In Law’s 70th

[LaraS2511]

So for context I have been with my husband since 18, he has tons of family, both parents still alive, lots of siblings etc. I only had my parents who both died in my 20’s 3 months apart. My brother lives in Australia.

My in laws are divorced, MIL is ok, she helps me with my son but has some strange ways about her. FIL has never really bothered despite living 15 minutes drive, my children wouldn’t recognise him if they passed him in the street & we usually as family only see him & his wife on Boxing Day. My husband has a very laid back attitude & basically said FIL won’t change but also won’t challenge him. My SIL has arranged a big 70th Birthday stating her Father has been through so much (his Mum died very elderly, it was sad but very expected 90+.) Anyway we have been invited to the party, I was going to go but just this week my daughter left for University, to live away. No congratulations on her exams, no card, no good luck at uni, no text message or acknowledgment. My husband won’t challenge it but then why should I go to a Birthday for someone who makes zero effort. For context he has other grandchildren & makes little effort too but possibly more with his daughter’s children.

Should I go to the party? It’s adults only.

No, it’s an invitation, not a court summons, and it seems like you don’t want to go so don’t.

Are there other people going that you’d like to see? If so, I’d go to see the people I want to. But of it’s going to but duller than dull, I wouldn’t bother.

i wouldn’t not go because of the uni thing. I think, considering how absent he’s been from your kids lives so far, I wouldn’t have expected any acknowledgment about your daughter going off to uni.

I would go to the party. Why should anyone apart from you and DH acknowledge your daughter moving out to University? That’s a life experience for your immediate family.
Also what “funny ways” has you MIL got ? Can’t be too bad if she helps you out. Maybe losing your parents has clouded your judgement but not every family is close.

If you were going to go it would be to support your husband and his wider family. Are there other people you’d like to see? Will it be a good party? In not, and your DH isn’t bothered about you going then don’t.

I'd be washing my hair

I'd go for my partner. It wouldn't be about me.

Just say you’re not available on that date.

Is he nice when you do see him or just disinterested in general? I wouldn't worry about not getting a leaving for uni acknowledgement but, if you see him once a year and if your kids hardly know him despite living 15 min away, I wouldn't bother unless you want to see the rest of the family. Just send husband with your apologies you're not feeling up to it.

No,bollocks to him. He doesn’t make the effort,why should you?

I had a grandmother like that - disinterested.
And she was mean.
She never celebrated us - we never celebrated her.
I kept my distance from her from a very early age and don’t feel as though I missed out on anything.
If you think it’ll make your husband happy, or if he needs your support — go.
If your husband doesn’t care, stay home.
That the result of a lifetime of not caring: people stop caring about you.
Ypu can’t see me, but I’m shrugging my shoulders.

He is an arsehole but your dh is right you cant make someone care.

I'd only go if there were others i wanted to see / it suited me, Otherwise I'd let my dh go solo

I'd also organise no gift beyond a card

I thought exactly the same when my brother, who makes zero effort with my kids or family, turned 70. My husband thought I was being a bit uncharitable and he said he would go. My brother then asked him for £250 as he had booked a cottage! ( my brother is absolutely loaded and didn't need to charge anyone to attend).

I think men get away with this sort of behaviour so often : in other words it’s ok to be emotionally and physically distant from your family and be utterly selfish if you are male and you are then never expected to put any work in to your close relationships or initiate contact.

Having said that, I would go for my partner’s sake if he wanted me to be there.

Agree with others about the uni thing, no card required! But a bit of interest shown in your child is always welcome!

Is there a potential inheritance if you and DH play the game?

If not I would not bother.

Bloody hell. Do people really think like this?

Because it’s a nice thing to do to wish your granddaughter good luck at Uni, at least a text! MIL picks up my son once a week from school, too long to explain what she is like but she loves my son.

He is pleasant, not nasty but isn’t interested/doesn’t ask anything really beyond ‘are you ok’. Years ago he told my husband I shouldn’t be working and should be a stay at home mum so don’t think he has approved over the years I worked, part time when my children were young & now full time. My wages have enabled my daughter to attend Uni, my husband self employed wages would have never been enough alone to support the household, two children let alone one at Uni.

I agree with your dh’s stance of ‘not challenging’ him; you can’t make someone care. Does your dh want to go to the party?

If your DH has strong feelings about wanting you there/your support, then maybe just go. If he's not bothered then do what the heck you want and enjoy your day. There's a book about the gift of saying no. It's liberating. ☺️

i think your DH should go unless he wants to make a statement by not going. Up to you whether you join him. In your shoes I would go to support him.

I’m a huge giver of cards, sender of little messages and gifts etc but I wouldn’t assume that someone who doesn’t do this necessarily doesn’t care, btw. It’s just one of those ways people differ. My mum has never sent a good luck or well done card- it simply wouldn’t cross her mind to do so. It’s not necessary an indicator of anything and I’m not sure why you would expect your husband to challenge him on this particular point- seems petty.

Some parents are old fashioned in that way about work etc. My mother always worked into her 60s. Ou4 family are friends but quite fractured. Rarely see each other in person. But when a party happens (we all have one in 5 weeks) everyone is there. Hotels booked all sorts. We love the catch up in person and the chance to see and speak to everyone again. However...My MIL was very distant. She used to do things to piss me off I swear. One time is was my sons BD and she got him a nephew card. She didn't care about her 4 sons at all. She left them when younger to run off with another man. They were dragged up by their uncle...who she also had a relationship with. My husband was the only one who seen her for what she was. When the 3 brothers said 100 quid each for her 70th my husband said not a chance!

If he's otherwise pleasant, I don't see your problem. The only thing that would make me want to spite someone by not attending a big birthday event, would be if they were actively unpleasant or unkind. It sounds to me as though he's just somewhat detached and introverted.

And anyway, a party is usually more about the chance to meet up with other people and connect with mutual friends send family members.

this - I would go for my husband's sake
If you are not close it would be out of the ordinary for him to text about uni -would it not? Did he even know? If he was told what did he say at the time.

I would go. I'd chat to others, have a good time. Think he's a disinterested arse but he's DH' dad and hopefully I'll get some decent food.

As others have said it’s an invite not a summons, even if it feels like one.

I’ve just done the same for the same reasons actually - my adoptive/step father’s 70th in August. Been through a hideous few years with my kids (austism, ADHD and with my eldest suicidal ideation/self harming). I was constantly chased over attendance for numbers, but NOT once did he or my sisters ever check in on my kids in the last few years, depsite my explaining in the fam whatsapp how hard its been and how we nearly lost my eldest. Even knowing when they’ve had GCSEs/A Levels, such as the ones this summer for my youngest with results in the 70th birthday week … not one enquiry as to how he did (or if concerned, how he is - and he had a disappointment so some familial love would have been appreciated).

I get a text around their birthday from one sis/step dad to say they’ve sent me transferred money for them around birthdays/xmas, but no card, not actual communication with my kids. It has taken me until now to finally appreciate that I/we are not really family. Whether it’s laziness, self absorption or they simply do not really care, I don’t know but I’m past bothering now. I’ve just blanked them now as not giving a shit about my kids is a bit of a hard line for me. Not heard from them, either, since declining the birthday party invite.

So, I’d put your DH and DCs first. Stuff the rest. Family is over-rated unless they actually act as though they care. (My in-Laws are wonderful, by the way - I’d walk across of sea of burning coals and crushed glass for any of them.)