To not attend my Father In Law’s 70th

[LaraS2511]

So for context I have been with my husband since 18, he has tons of family, both parents still alive, lots of siblings etc. I only had my parents who both died in my 20’s 3 months apart. My brother lives in Australia.

My in laws are divorced, MIL is ok, she helps me with my son but has some strange ways about her. FIL has never really bothered despite living 15 minutes drive, my children wouldn’t recognise him if they passed him in the street & we usually as family only see him & his wife on Boxing Day. My husband has a very laid back attitude & basically said FIL won’t change but also won’t challenge him. My SIL has arranged a big 70th Birthday stating her Father has been through so much (his Mum died very elderly, it was sad but very expected 90+.) Anyway we have been invited to the party, I was going to go but just this week my daughter left for University, to live away. No congratulations on her exams, no card, no good luck at uni, no text message or acknowledgment. My husband won’t challenge it but then why should I go to a Birthday for someone who makes zero effort. For context he has other grandchildren & makes little effort too but possibly more with his daughter’s children.

Should I go to the party? It’s adults only.

Unlikely he would be upset, he does anything for a quiet life. he will still go definitely but why should I make the effort. It’s a two way thing.

If you fancy an excuse to get dressed up and have some nice food/drinks then go but if not or its a pain to organise babysitters then don't.
I don't get out much so I would go to any party as long as I didn't dislike the persons who's party it was but I generally do nothing out of obligation

That is my point. He is doing what most grandfathers do, but it looks worse because he is not married to the grandmother.

My kids started idolizing their (only very sporadically interested) grandmother when they were teens. I didn’t stop them from spending more time with her or attempt to sway their opinions. It didn’t take long for her true colours to show. She played them against each other in the most unsubtle ways you could imagine, insisted that she was entitled to share her racist/homophobic/bigoted opinions and treated them like crap. They have all made their feelings on the subject very clear since.

My kids grandparents wished them well as they started uni, I don’t think that’s extreme or unusual.

no way would I feel the need to attend @LaraS2511 - you get out what you put in x

As others have said, if there are people that are going that you'd like to catch up with then I'd probably go. If not, I probably wouldn't. You've said DH would be ok with going by himself, so it's up to you really!

Agree - my PiL’s messaged mine before exams to wish them luck and often message them just to let them know they are thinking of them, even if there is nothing going on.

MiL will send random packages with a small box of Hotel Chocolat with a tenner in, and hand written notelets chatting about nothing really but letting them know they are loved. Birthdays always involve a gift being sent or a money transfer with a separate card, plus acknowledgement on the family whatsapp too. Mine are 16 and 19 and if they’ve not been up to see them (they’re in their 80’s now so less able to pop down), the kids themselves mention that they miss them and ask if we can arrange a visit.

It’s not a relationship that I ever had with either my parents or grandparents, but I love the fact that both parties feel loved and valued.

Life is too short for this sort of rubbish. Just go to support your husband, no big deal.

Gosh people are harsh on here! It is only a party for a few hours … go for your husband and be kind.

It sounds like you never really wanted to go and his not acknowledging your daughter’s university success is just an added reason not to (did you really expect him to?). You reap what you sow in relationships and if he has never put anything in why would you want to go?
That said, if you are close to other members of the family and value their involvement in your lives I probably would go for them and not for him.

Doesn't sound like you are often required to put your happy face on and do the big family get togethers. Why make a fuss about not going? It's a lot of his family there I assume not just you both? It's hardly a big ask. As for uni that's a complete overreaction to something no one else really cares about.

Thanks for the comments, some supportive & some not so. It’s been cancelled so the decision has been made for me x

Of course you go.

or you’re the ass that doesn’t put in effort. Some people suck. Do you want to be one of them? The DIL that couldn’t be bothered to show up. You can do better.

@NoThanksymm I know some people can’t be arsed to RTFT but how could you miss OP’s very last update just the comment above yours?

I disagree that it's not a big deal. Most children would wonder at some point why their grandfather didn't seem interested in them and it can potentially feel quite hurtful.

Well you can be as uncaring and uninterested back by staying away! Let your husband go but I am sure you are far too busy watching catch up on say Married at first Sight/Love Island/ Bondi whatever it is called or watching syrupy shit on the Christmas channel or even just looking at your own 4 walls/cuppa tea and a biscuit.

I think FIL is the ass that doesn't put in effort as he can't even be bothered to text his grand-daughter to wish her good luck at University. That takes a lot less effort than attending a 70th birthday party.

Anyway, the OP has confirmed that the event is cancelled.

For me I would always support my husband. If he wants to go I would paint a smile on and go.