To not attend my Father In Law’s 70th

[LaraS2511]

So for context I have been with my husband since 18, he has tons of family, both parents still alive, lots of siblings etc. I only had my parents who both died in my 20’s 3 months apart. My brother lives in Australia.

My in laws are divorced, MIL is ok, she helps me with my son but has some strange ways about her. FIL has never really bothered despite living 15 minutes drive, my children wouldn’t recognise him if they passed him in the street & we usually as family only see him & his wife on Boxing Day. My husband has a very laid back attitude & basically said FIL won’t change but also won’t challenge him. My SIL has arranged a big 70th Birthday stating her Father has been through so much (his Mum died very elderly, it was sad but very expected 90+.) Anyway we have been invited to the party, I was going to go but just this week my daughter left for University, to live away. No congratulations on her exams, no card, no good luck at uni, no text message or acknowledgment. My husband won’t challenge it but then why should I go to a Birthday for someone who makes zero effort. For context he has other grandchildren & makes little effort too but possibly more with his daughter’s children.

Should I go to the party? It’s adults only.

If my dp wanted to go I'd go to support him and see the wider family, if he's not fussed about going or is happy to go solo then don't go. Don't make it all about the uni thing though, it's a huge deal when your going through it bit to the outside world it's not as big a deal as when you're emotionally invested, which it sounds like he isnt

I’d go for my husbands sake; we have a close relative like this and I’ll go to events for him and visits because I know it’s important to my husband.

Wanted to add more generally- you should not be trying to distance your husband from his father. Fine to decide not to go yourself but anything like that for your husband should be his own decision. If he’s happy with the relationship then that is fine- he doesn’t need to “challenge” things like not buying your DD a card.

I'd go to the party. Why should anybody bother to acknowledge someb9dy going to university. Is it a thing now.

No one congratulated my DD when she went to uni and it never crossed my mind that they "should". I did to my niece, come to think of it. But it's your/her news. They doubtless wish her well. If you expect acknowledgement of every life event from everyone then you're setting yourself up for frustration.
I would go to the party just to connect with other family, enjoy a different scene, and support DH.

I'm quite surprised at this. My brother and I were the first in the family to go to university and my grandparents were so proud and excited for us, and for the next generation of cousins who went. I was always getting Good luck cards, lovely letters at uni from them, and care packages.

My SILs mum has also been the same, she was at every graduation ceremony, regularly visited my DNeice and DNephew and also sent good luck cards and packages. As an Aunt I often sent letters too.

OP if he's never shown an interest in your family he's not really going to start now and I honestly would just tell my DP to go alone if he really wants to. His relationship with his father is his own really.

Your example of why you don't like your fil is pretty trivial. But I accept that your experience of him as a grandfather has been of lack of engagement.
That in itself wouldn't stop me going with dh to his birthday do if he wants to go. It's about his relationship with his father and if he's OK then I'd be ok. I might well be sad that my dcs don't have a lovely close, relationship with their granddad but I'm not understanding the level of anger you seem to feel.

I'd go to the party for DH's sake.

Personally I would go to his 70th birthday. It doesn't sound as if your husband has made any particular effort to stay in touch with his father either, and this is pretty common among male relatives where the mother is dead or divorced. It doesn't seem that your FIL has done you any harm or been unfriendly, and as to sending cards for starting university I must say not one of my male relatives would think of doing such a thing if not forcibly prompted by their wives or girlfriends or daughters. I am also sure your daughter could not care less.

I would go, because a lesson I want my children to learn is that just because other people don't act with respect and kindness doesn't mean we act the same way. And such lessons are best modelled.

No I bloody wouldn't be going. He sounds a miserable & selfish old git!

Be careful the "lesson" they are learning isn´t "how to be a doormat", there is a fine line.

If you like/get on with the rest of your in-laws, I would go to see them, and enjoy their company. I certainly wouldn't bother with a card/gift or contribution to the event.

I think that line is at a different point for all of us. Personally I would far rather be called a doormat than someone who holds a grudge or is petty. I know others would prefer to be called petty than be known as a doormat. It is what it is, eh!

I'd go to the party for politeness's sake and to avoid any fall-outs, but I'd be keeping my eye on the bigger picture.

SIL sees her dad making no effort to be sociable with anybody, not even his children and grandchildren. And he's just lost his mum, so he is even more socially isolated. She's got to be wondering what the situation will be in 10 years' time, and who will be caring for him.

I doubt that this is a calculated, thought-through effort on her part to set you and your DH up to co-care for him as he gets older, more a well-meaning daughterly attempt to buoy him through a difficult period. But have a think and a chat with your DH about how far you see your obligations to this man stretching when he starts needing someone to help him in the future.

Just wanted to send you a hug. ❤️My bestie and I have similar situations and she says we deserved better from our families. I'm so glad you have your gorgeous in laws x

Thank you @twohotwaterbottles Am sending one back. 🥰

She does care, she asked why her Dad’s family don’t bother with anything, I know not everyone does cards but at least a text to his son to ask how his daughter settled in moving 4 hours away, it doesn’t seem unreasonable?! My husband speaks to his Dad regularly as they work in the same line of business but he doesn’t make any effort with him, for his 40th he had no present. He has pots of money but couldn’t even think about his son’s birthday.

I would not attend this nor would go for supposedly anyone else’s sake either.

What’s FIL like when you see him every Boxing Day?. You do not see him at any other time.

Why is your h not bothered about his dad?,
What if anything do you know about your husband s childhood?. It could well be that he has learnt not to challenge his father because of his own fear, obligation and guilt; three buttons his own dad installed in him. Maybe he feels he will upset his
mother somehow if he attends.

Seriously, neither one of my grandfathers would have sent a card or thought to send a message asking. They might have politely enquired if they saw my father regularly, but they wouldn't have seen it as the important gesture that you make of it. And if he is seeing your husband regularly, presumably he knows how things are going anyway, because your husband will tell him?

I just don't think this is a big deal, and I wonder if your daughter has picked up on the umbrage you have taken against your FIL.

Oh and as for your daughter complaining that her father's side of the family don't bother, didn't you mention that your husband's mother is pretty involved? So presumably she is doing all the usual grandmotherly stuff. Normally grandfathers skate by because their wife adds their name on cards.

Well in that case I certainly wouldn't bother. Will your DH be upset/angry if you refuse to go?

The grandparents are divorced.

I am not one for putting up with nonsense from someone just because they are family but he doesn't sound bad, just a bit distant so if DH wanted me to go with him I would.
I do feel for your re your DD though, mine goes this weekend 😥

They are divorced, he remarried to the lady he had an affair with when my husband was young. My mother in law has become more involved with my son as she is retired from work now & is in a better place mentally as in a new relationship but she didn’t have much to do with my daughter when she was young. I don’t hold it against her, she at least gave my daughter a hug & good luck when she left.