Lost with what to do with partner

[BabyBruce01]

I’ve been with my partner 14 years. We h have 2 girls, 4 and 6 months. Im so tired of how he treats me but so sad to think of splitting up the family.
he regularly gets in moods and needs time to ‘calm down’ when we have a row will often call me a c* amongst other things.
he drinks a lot with work and does coke on occasions. I have no issue with him going out at all but do have issues with the hangovers or coming home drunk on random days.
if we have a row at home he’s taken to storming out, leaving me with the kids.
he has been like this the entire time, I guess I just hoped it would improve.
since the birth of our recent he’s at times been unsupportive, said he’ll be home and isn’t. At the weekend whilst seems minor said he wants to go to pub on his own, I asked not to as it’s really hard atm with my eldest and bed time. Even said go after bedtime if he must but went anyway.
in the past I’ve suggested counseling but it’s never happened.
he’ll seem fed up at home and it’s always me trying to improve things.
i want to stay as I want a full family but I’m just so lost with it. It’s a complete lack of respect.
there are lots of good things. We are financially secure, he’s generous, always happy to see my family etc. I get to do a lot too with my friends.
i just think I should be treated better and don’t know what to do.
we co/own the house, I know he won’t move out. Do I just stay? So the children have the family unit?
im kind and generous and quite chilled out. I’m less chilled out if he goes for random drinks due to the past but even then I try to hope for the best. I just don’t know what the answer is.
today I said I wanted to talk and was told I’m dragging things out, emotionally retarded and out of order, I just said I wanted to talk.

No don’t stay. You’ve already stayed too long.

Does he speak to you like that in front of your 4 year old? Does she hear mummy being called a cunt and retarded?

He does what he wants and bullies you into shutting up.

It will be very damaging for your children to grow up watching their mum being emotionally abused.

He obviously doesn't want to be a dad and it sounds like he doesn't want to be a husband either.

They don’t hear at the moment.
he’s a lovely dad and they have a brilliant relationship most of the time, that’s what upsets me a lot I guess, breaking that up

He has issues with drink and drugs and is abusive and unsupportive of you. He is not safe to be around and not safe for your children to be around. Take time to grieve, but then get away from him. If he sorts his act out accepting and dealing with his addictions then he can be a part of your childrens life again and maybe yours if you still want him. But get on with your life and don't get bogged down sorting him out.

should add, he’s a good dad. My daughter adores him, he does a lot at home for the family etc it’s more how he is to me

In what way is he a brilliant dad? Isn't he volatile, drunk, storms out and leaves? He spends family money on booze and coke. He just dumps all the drudge onto you.

I just feel so sad splitting the family up

Your children will see how he behaves towards you. They will model their futures and what is right and acceptable on that. Do you want that for your daughter? Let him be a good dad from a distance where he can't show them that behaviour.

I completely understand, but you need to feel happy and safe or your children never will. So do it for them if not yourself x

@poppyzbrite4 it’s not quite as bad as that.
he does a lot with the family and we do have lovely times too. It’s just I never quite know when it’ll be good or bad. He always just wants to move on from it when he’s been in a mood etc

I would say it's unlikely that he will change if he hasn't already so you need to decide if this version of a relationship is better than leaving.

@Icanttakethisanymore i think that’s it, that’s what I’m trying to work out. I just feel responsible for the kids

BabyBruce01

re your comment:
"They don’t hear at the moment.
he’s a lovely dad "

Do not kid yourself they do not hear him. They do. Sound travels.

He is neither a lovely dad nor a good dad. Women in poor relationships like you describe write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. All your man cares about is drink and drug taking; you and your daughters are of no real importance nor concern to him. He has brought about the break up of this family by his actions.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar at home in your own childhood?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. It will do them no favours for them to keep on seeing you as their mum being abused by their drunken or otherwise addicted dad.

Re your comment: "he does a lot with the family and we do have lovely times too. It’s just I never quite know when it’ll be good or bad. "

This is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. Again it will do you no good at all to remain with him and your children will be affected markedly by him too. You have a choice re him, your children do not.

My gran always told us to never let a man treat us in a way we wouldn’t be happy to see our daughters be treated. Kids learn about what a “normal” relationship looks like from watching their parents, if you wouldn’t be happy for your daughters to live like this with their own partners one day, don’t let yourself live like this. Because if you do then what can you say in the future when you want to tell them to leave, that they deserve better? You can’t give that advice if you can’t follow it yourself. Good luck OP.

I've been you op, and stayed for all the same reasons you are. And guess what...10 years later he still abuses drugs and alcohol, and when she became old enough to call him out, he turned his vile behaviour towards dd1. Kids bedtimes get later, their awareness and perception changes, they hear things you think they don't. The ups are what keep you there, the downs are never individually bad enough to leave. This man will destroy you over time and you are doing your kids NO favors by staying in this. So if you're telling yourself you're staying for the kids, that's nonsense. You are doing more damage to them by staying, they have no choice in the matter so they're relying on you. This man will not change as he doesn't see that he's the problem.

@BabyBruce01 That must be incredibly difficult (I hope my previous post didn't sound flippant, I just think sometimes it helps to think about these things in simple terms). Can you ever have a reasonable conversation with him? Is he reasonable when he is not hungover or drunk?

Someone has to be the responsible parent here and its never going to be him in a month of Sundays. You're going to have to step up here and be brave and show your children that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none

Neither you nor your children are not his number 1 priority; the drink and drugs will always come first. His thoughts centre around this and where the next hit/drink is going to come from,.

Failing to see how he's a 'good dad'. Good dad's don't treat their children's mothers like crap.

@teenmaw thanks. I think you’re right x

@Icanttakethisanymore we have had chats many times and he says it’ll change, understands etc but then we are back at it

If you stay, His behaviour will only escalate over time- the abuse to you & substance abuse. Your girls will learn the way he treats you is acceptable & look for similar men when they grow up. YOU, as a mother are their teacher. Imaging 20 years from now & your dd tell you their partner is abusing them, how would you feel? How would you advise them. Also consider the fact that there is potential for your dd's to accidentally come across the coke. Think about the possible out comes for that. He may do nice things with your dd's & and family, but he is not a good father by abusing substances and his childrens mother. Save your mental health & your dd's and leave him. He won't change. Have a look at some of the threads on here for ample evidence of that. Take care

If you want to keep the family unit together and still be able to do lots with your friends, remain financially secure then stay.

If you don't want to be treated with disrespect by a cocaine user who calles you a cunt, then you need to leave.

You can be tired of how he treats you AND be sad at the thought of splitting up the family, both things can exist at the same time, but you need to do what feels the most true for you. Your children are watching very carefully at the dynamic between you. You need to make sure you give them the healthiest example you can to learn from.

A good dad, or a lovely dad doesn't treat your mother like shit. Yes he's alright sometimes, if it was wall to wall dysfunction you wouldn't still be there. He's nice enough when he needs to be to keep you hooked in, and not leave. You aren't responsible for your DCs relationship with their father, that is up to him to forge and maintain. He will, or he won't pull his shit together for them, but you can't dictate what happens there.

Just because a partner doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean you’re not being abused and you are being abused by this man.

Think of your DD’s growing up in an environment where their dad swears at their mum and prefers drink and drugs to caring fur his children. They’ll grow up thinking this is a normal way to treated by a man.

He won’t change he won’t improve. Hes a selfish abuser. All the money he spends on drink and drugs he should be spending on you and your children.

It’s the same lines used on all of the threads on MN from women in abusive relationships. Just like you’re doing, they always try to justify the relationship by the positives which are the standard things what should be in any partnership. Those things don’t make him a great dad - that’s the bare minimum behaviour and the good does not justify the bad.

Thanks everyone for your advices. I guess I know it all already it’s just hard to make that next step

Here to support you if you need an ear in and i am sure when you are able to tell your friends they will rally around x