Lost with what to do with partner

[BabyBruce01]

I’ve been with my partner 14 years. We h have 2 girls, 4 and 6 months. Im so tired of how he treats me but so sad to think of splitting up the family.
he regularly gets in moods and needs time to ‘calm down’ when we have a row will often call me a c* amongst other things.
he drinks a lot with work and does coke on occasions. I have no issue with him going out at all but do have issues with the hangovers or coming home drunk on random days.
if we have a row at home he’s taken to storming out, leaving me with the kids.
he has been like this the entire time, I guess I just hoped it would improve.
since the birth of our recent he’s at times been unsupportive, said he’ll be home and isn’t. At the weekend whilst seems minor said he wants to go to pub on his own, I asked not to as it’s really hard atm with my eldest and bed time. Even said go after bedtime if he must but went anyway.
in the past I’ve suggested counseling but it’s never happened.
he’ll seem fed up at home and it’s always me trying to improve things.
i want to stay as I want a full family but I’m just so lost with it. It’s a complete lack of respect.
there are lots of good things. We are financially secure, he’s generous, always happy to see my family etc. I get to do a lot too with my friends.
i just think I should be treated better and don’t know what to do.
we co/own the house, I know he won’t move out. Do I just stay? So the children have the family unit?
im kind and generous and quite chilled out. I’m less chilled out if he goes for random drinks due to the past but even then I try to hope for the best. I just don’t know what the answer is.
today I said I wanted to talk and was told I’m dragging things out, emotionally retarded and out of order, I just said I wanted to talk.

Every time you let him get away with calling you a cunt he loses respect for you. You have shown him you’ll tolerate being treated like shit. So he’s going to go out when he want, drink as much as he wants and shout you down when you complain. Eventually you’ll learn to put up and shut up.

You’ll change before he does.

What advice would you give your daughter if her partner treated her like this? She will witness this and learn this is the norm. Leave.

Hes taking drugs, issues with alcohol and leaving you to cope whilst calling you names? And hes a good dad? Fuck me. Id hate to see what a shit dad is in your world. Hes had plenty of chances by the sounds of it. Time to call it a day

OP this is awful but I have some similarities in my marriage. Have you ever had any good patches?? That’s my key question.

also my husband has decided to go tee total (6 weeks is his longest and since a relapse 21 days today) which is making a huge difference. If there’s any light at the end of your tunnel it needs to be with him recognising he’s not okay. My husbands work pulled him up on the drinking issues.

i spent a year trying to get his parents to help but they sort of promised to and then let me know and it made it worse. Such a shame I thought they might be able to get through to my husband

Yes we have had good patches and times where it’s been really good. But then it just goes back. He had a bad patch when my 2nd was only a few weeks old. Went out said wouldn’t be a late one.. was massive.. plus other episodes. and even tonight when it’s our eldest’s first week at school he hasn’t come home as ‘there’s no point’ so here I am again.
he did say he’d seek counseling but hasn’t. That was a premise of me not going. The drink etc are the major issues but it’s the temper too, I expect some of that’s brought on by that but even if he hasn’t been out it seems to happen now.

You’re basically describing the nice and nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. I would also think that the so called good times are now very much fewer and further between now as well as being on his terms. There are no good times ahead for you if you remain with this man for your own reasons.

Where is your line in the sand?. What happened to you for you to get to this point?. He thinks you’re an idiot. These types never go to counselling either, again he’s just paying lip service. It is never advised to go to counselling with your abuser .

And in the meantime your kids further suffer too because their household is built on shifting sands. No one adult here in their lives is really looking out for them because your brain space is taken up with him and the false dawn of hoping for change. His priority is drugs and alcohol.

My ex husband began treating me with utter disrespect after the baby was born. I left him because I couldn't bear my child seeing their mum emotionally and verbally abused.

Make no mistake, your husband is abusive. He does not respect you and wants to control your completely natural reactions to his appalling behaviour. Mine was the same except there was no issue with drugs.

If you have tried to talk to him and he refuses to see a counsellor then maybe you do need to make a tough decision.

One thing is clear though, he will never be a good dad if he is swearing at his child's mum or being absent without explaining where he is.

He’s a good dad? Pull the other one! No dad treats the mother of his kids like the dirt on their shoe, so no, he certainly isn’t a good dad. Not sure why you had another child with him? Not sure why you want to keep the family together when your kids are witnessing the abuse.

@FerreroFan are you happy you made that decision? It’s such a hard one to make. Thank you for the honesty x

@LadyGaGasPokerFace Hopefully from my post you csn see how emotionally drained i am from it. And how weve had periods of good spells. 14 years is a long time, it’s not always shit. Change seems to be a factor, im not making excuses but it has also been great.
comments of ‘not sure why you had another child’ are a bit sweeping and im just looking for support not judgement

I am happy that I left him, yes. I was feeling trapped, but above all, it was my DC's little frightened face when ex husband shouted at me. I thought there is no way I am bringing up my child in that situation. I should mention the abuse suddenly got worse (not physical but almost) but I had already made up my mind to go before then.

Some things are harder - I am less financially well off, I do miss the better times, and negotiating shared custody is tough (but like your DH, mine loves DC, just treated me badly). But I have never regretted my decision and feel immense relief to be out of that situation. I am not spending time trying to work out his moods and trying to appease him. I can live for myself and DC and I love that.

Whatever you decide, best of luck and many many hugs to you xxx

@FerreroFan thank you that’s really helpful x

Thank you @HemingwaysDog that’s exactly what I’m weighing up, your path or an unknown. I just think for my self respect and how it makes me feel I should go. Ive also seen the temper a bit to my eldest as she’s going through a tricky spell.. she’s 4!! It’s legit. But I worry how that will progress, I’ve spent so long diffusing situations between us 2, I don’t think I can do it with the kids too and as many have said, they’ll see that.
thank you for being honest though x

@HemingwaysDog i didnt think we did and often we seem very aligned/ same page but then this pattern of behaviour happens and i just can’t understand it

He does this because he can and every day you spend with him is another day you waste on him. It’s not your fault he is abusive but your children will pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken.

Abuse is not a relationship issue , it’s about power and control.

And stop with trying to analyse it. he is taking up so much headspace that you are stymied and this inertia hurts you as much as your kids.

Like many previous MN posters, this book will provide so much insight.
The man who is ‘fine’ for a while and turns on a penny.
Blames his partner for everything.
Masks as a great dad/family man/colleague but to his partner can be absolutely vile.
Keeps you off kilter the whole time, so you never know what’s happening.
Most abusive partners are not so 24/7. They offer you breadcrumbs and times of respite so you feel that there is hope. But they cannot keep it up.
By calling you vile names he’s revealing his absolute contempt for you. Your lovely children will pick up on your feelings.
This book has changed the life of many a MN poster/reader.
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

He sounds fucking awful frankly, but maybe you can use the fact that his vile temper is now being directed at a four year old little girl as the push you need to leave this horrible, substandard man. 🙏🏻