Lost with what to do with partner

[BabyBruce01]

I’ve been with my partner 14 years. We h have 2 girls, 4 and 6 months. Im so tired of how he treats me but so sad to think of splitting up the family.
he regularly gets in moods and needs time to ‘calm down’ when we have a row will often call me a c* amongst other things.
he drinks a lot with work and does coke on occasions. I have no issue with him going out at all but do have issues with the hangovers or coming home drunk on random days.
if we have a row at home he’s taken to storming out, leaving me with the kids.
he has been like this the entire time, I guess I just hoped it would improve.
since the birth of our recent he’s at times been unsupportive, said he’ll be home and isn’t. At the weekend whilst seems minor said he wants to go to pub on his own, I asked not to as it’s really hard atm with my eldest and bed time. Even said go after bedtime if he must but went anyway.
in the past I’ve suggested counseling but it’s never happened.
he’ll seem fed up at home and it’s always me trying to improve things.
i want to stay as I want a full family but I’m just so lost with it. It’s a complete lack of respect.
there are lots of good things. We are financially secure, he’s generous, always happy to see my family etc. I get to do a lot too with my friends.
i just think I should be treated better and don’t know what to do.
we co/own the house, I know he won’t move out. Do I just stay? So the children have the family unit?
im kind and generous and quite chilled out. I’m less chilled out if he goes for random drinks due to the past but even then I try to hope for the best. I just don’t know what the answer is.
today I said I wanted to talk and was told I’m dragging things out, emotionally retarded and out of order, I just said I wanted to talk.

This is who he really is and he is not going to change.

They always promise change and it never happens. He's manipulative and tells you what you want to hear.

He is quite happy as he is also because you likely do most if not all of the childcare and household tasks. You're in turn his enabler, codependent partner and personal skivvy. This is no life for you nor a good atmosphere for your children to grow up within.

Make better choices for you and in turn them going forward. I daresay no one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and you still do not know what this is. The man you are with is Mr Wrong and staying with him will only ensure you and your kids are dragged down with him. You really do not want that whole new world of pain.

He's not a good dad.

Good dads don't drink excessively, do cocaine and call the Mother of their children a cunt.

It won't get better. Please get out of this relationship

@BabyBruce01 I literally read to ‘does coke on occasions’ and stopped reading - what you had written up to that point makes it an absolute no brainer to leave. He’s not a good dad, he shows no respect to the mother of his children. You need to demand more for yourself and your children and get away from him before you teach your children that this is all they should expect from their partners as well.

re your comment
"I guess I know it all already it’s just hard to make that next step"

You will need to be brave and take that first, often the most hardest of steps out, on your own. But you can and will be supported by others in doing so. Do consider contacting Womens Aid for advice on how to leave safely; your own safety here is of paramount importance.

This is a long shot and only occasionally works . (The reason I say this is because I am the 'mil' in this situation and my son I'm embarrassed to say was the one acting like he was 17 with no responsibilities) ..

Have you spoken to HIS family ? They are the ones who will suffer the loss of their nieces/nephews/grandchildren.. ? My saintly DIL put up with my son behaving in an appalling way towards her . We had a word (or two ! ) with him and told him to get help with drinking and drugs or he wouldn't only lose his kids but his entire family.. as we would support the mother of his children and their mother above him.

It worked and he shaped up.. however I know it's unusual and depends on your relationship with HIS family . Sadly a lot of bad behaviour in mankids is due to their terrible upbringing.. so he may not even have a family - but if he does it may be worth a try .

@AboutVattime i have considered speaking to his brother as he mentioned his drinking to me before. Problem is our large group theres a lot of ‘recreational’ but his is too much going out and then doing it.
i think though with the additional stuff its a bigger problem. But might be something to consider

I fail to see how he can be a good dad and use coke? For me drug taking is a total no go.

You and your girls deserve more than this. He is abusive and disrespectful. At least take some time away to let him know that you’re not tolerating it anymore

It sounds to me like the coke use and the drinking isn't so much a problem as the calling you a cunt bit. You can speak to his family until you're blue in the face but if that's where he's at, there's not much anyone can say to change it. He's not a silly billy who needs to grow up, he's abusive and manipulative, a shit dad and a shit husband. It's really not your job to get him to sort himself out.

It's your job to sort yourself out, if you're going to make calls to family make it calls to your own to get their support to leave him.

Sorry to say this OP but your family unit is completely broken anyway, you aren’t keeping anything together by staying with him apart from showing your children that it’s acceptable for a man to treat his partner this way.

He’s nice to your family - you don’t need him to maintain a good relationship with your family

He’s a good Dad - no good Dad takes illegal drugs and abuses the children’s mother

You get to do hobbies - Why can’t you do these without being with him?

You’re financially secure - Why can’t you be without being with him?

Don’t make excuses for his behaviour/hold limiting beliefs as to why you can’t leave

He isn't a brilliant dad because he is abusive to their mum.

But he can parent and have hia time with them on his days.. I stayed in an abusive relationship for over a decade and it has affected me greatly. Have been separated for 6 years but i don't think I'm healed yet. please don't be me.

Your marriage is your children’s primary relationship role model. If you wouldn’t be happy with your children being called cunt, why is it ok for their mother being called one?

I get it, you live in hope that he will stop being an arsehole but that flawed thinking is why you’ve lumbered two children with this arsehole.

If you end the relationship (and I hope you do) his behaviour and your desire not to start a generational cycle of emotional abuse will be the reason.

The ball’s in your court.

So he wants to behave badly, rage and throw a tantrum and be abusive when he gets called out on it, leave and do his own thing whenever he wants, (which is a convenient excuse btw, I wonder how many rows he is that’s so he can just leave) and then once he gets all that out his system he expects you to swallow it and move on, then blames you and gets angry for you not doing so?

Twat isn’t he.

@Sceptical123 yes that’s it, he thinks I should just move on.. but it’s not easy when it’s the millionth time

Would you be happy with your DD being with someone who treats her the way he treats you?

If the honest answer is no then I think it is time to leave the relationship.

@AgentJohnson i think that’s it, I just hoped it would change. It does for periods but not forever, it’s never been more than 5/6 months and often never that long.
its also hard to know how to leave with eldest having just started school, co owning the house etc

He is not a lovely dad. He is an abusive addict. Please make plans to leave; keep your children safe.

@SunflowerTed its hard to take time away as my daughter has just started school. I know he won’t leave.. rentals are a nightmare. But I do need to do something

Reach out for help, don't feel you are facing this alone. That is what scares you into inactivity now. Use the support available to you x

The majority of people on here will tell you that anyone that has ever done a line is a total waste of space... although I do understand the perspective (now I am older I think a lot more about the abuses along the supply chain) but equally at one time in my life loads of people I knew did it recreationally and IMO none of them were bad people. However, there is always someone who can't manage it and who goes overboard. Someone who wants it more than everyone else and allows it to affect their family and their lives. I think you should speak to his brother becasue as everyone gets older your OH will become more and more unusual and isolated in the group (I would imagine). I might be clutching at straws here (on your behalf).

Thing is, you've tolerated this behaviour for years and had children with him all the same. Of course any amount of talking to him about it changes nothing.

He's got no reason to think you won't stick around no matter what. He can call you names, get wrecked and stay out, storm out on you - and he gets his way and you just try to hold things together.

While your kids are probably too young to fully get what's going on now, the storming out and hangovers/comedowns shouldn't be a regular occurrence in their childhoods, and as they get older they will be affected by it.

You're my breaking it up.

HE IS breaking it up by his behaviour.

You deserve much better.

@AboutVattime yes perhaps the chat with the brother should be a separate side chat as i wouldnt want that to be more of a problem if we go separate ways

@category12 yes you’re right. Im pleased i have mu girls. We’d prob got to the point where i thought stick was better than twist.. espec with age etc. but the girls shouldn’t be subjected to it too

Unless your children are not in the house when these incidents occur, they hear and occasionally even see them. Voices get raised more than people realize when they argue. Children wander out of bed.

its only going to get worse as they get older in terms of what they pick up on. For the 4yo I mean awareness increasing over the next few months, not years.