Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I say something?

58 replies

cattreetower · 18/09/2024 13:43

Hello, I'm looking for some advice and just a bit of comfort I guess. No one to talk to IRL.

I have just recently gotten back with my ex-boyfriend. I have found out that during our break, he’s slept with a woman who I was told to never worry about, and who is also married. Obviously I’m gutted but, my question is, would you tell the husband? I had a message written out to him last night but couldn’t bring myself to press send. She’s been sending my boyfriend topless pics and suggestive messages for years, which he’s always ignored, but succumbed to her earlier in the year (yep, the typical bloke he always told me he wasn’t!)🙄 I don’t know what to do. Please help!

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 18/09/2024 13:49

I wouldn't tell the husband but I also wouldn't have got back with the ex. He's ex for a reason.

She’s been sending my boyfriend topless pics and suggestive messages for years, which he’s always ignored,
That's bullshit btw. No man would ignore a woman sending topless pics. Absolutely none. A good man would have told her to stop and blocked her after the first one but you found lots of pictures and messages. Think this through...

Splunky · 18/09/2024 13:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KaleQueen · 18/09/2024 13:51

Bin him off. Then expose her as a cheat. Then live the rest of your life in peace.

distractmeagain · 18/09/2024 13:51

yeah... he was always interested! i'd end this now before things get way too messy.

i wouldn't tell the husband.. thats her business and the last thing you need if you are staying with this man is for her to be single and free to mingle!

GarrynotsoGorilla · 18/09/2024 13:52

Hey, there is a lot of context missing to really be able to advise what i would do, particularly why you split before, how long you have been together, how your ex behaves towards you, and particularly what you are unsure about.

Reading between the lines i feel that you feel like your relationship is threatened by this woman, and potentially by your partners behaviour. Personally if I was your ex and committed to you i would just block her and keep well away from her to demonstrate my commitment to you. Though there may be circumstances (a child he has with her or similar) that would preclude this. If he would not be willing to do this, then I would be questioning why not.

StormingNorman · 18/09/2024 13:53

I wouldn’t tell the husband…but I’d tell my (soon to be ex again) boyfriend I had.

Icedlatteofdreams · 18/09/2024 13:54

I wouldn't tell her husband, no. However, if she's been sending topless pics etc for years why hasn't your bf blocked her? He either likes the attention and encourages it which is awful or he's been sleeping and/or at the very least been engaging in inappropriate contact with her for all those years.

Throw him back out to sea.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 18/09/2024 13:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Don't tell her husband - that's not your responsibility, and do you really want the world of pain on your doorstep? Yes her behaviour is wrong, but you don't know why she does what she does. Her husband may be terribly abusive and she sees flaunting herself as her way out (rightly or wrongly) and blowing open her life will not serve you any benefit, and may actually endanger her.

bifurCAT · 18/09/2024 13:57

What do you hope to achieve?

At the end of the day, at best, you 'save' this man from an unfaithful marriage and feel slightly better about yourself. At worst (more likely), you wreck their marriage, he hates you (shooting thr messenger), she hates you for spilling the beans, your ex/now-partner gets upset with you and dumps you for interfering, and word gets around that you're a sh!t-stirrer.

Truth be told, it sounds like you're a time-killer for your ex/now-partner. Leave, move on, and wash your hands of this whole mess.

Original poster
cattreetower · 18/09/2024 14:02

Because he's always been upfront and told me about it, I've never seen a worry. However now, yes I see that he should've blocked her a long time ago. He's blocked her now as I have asked him to.
I just feel sick. I keep trying to not think about it but the messages I've seen keep going through my mind, and the thought of them together makes me want to punch someone (mainly him!!!).
I know this is awful to say, but she's not even the type of girl you'd expect your partner to encourage that kind of relationship from. I am by no means big headed about how I look (especially now), but it just feels like he'd fuck anything that walks now and it seriously makes me feel horrible 😔
We've had a few issues in the past completely different to this, which is why we split. We've spent some time apart and feel we're just meant to be and we can make it work. I'm not naive enough to think he wouldn't have been with anyone, but he lied about the number of people he'd been with during the break and also never brought this woman up once.

I'm glad I didn't send the message now you've all suggested not to. But boy, would I LOVE to give her a piece of my mind!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
cattreetower · 18/09/2024 14:05

I'm also not wholly sure what I want from this thread. I just needed to get out how I was feeling. We had a long chat earlier and I think he understands why I'm hurt, but I've told him he needs to give me time to sort my head out. At the minute, I'm struggling to even look at him 😔

OP posts:
GarrynotsoGorilla · 18/09/2024 14:07

cattreetower · 18/09/2024 14:02

Because he's always been upfront and told me about it, I've never seen a worry. However now, yes I see that he should've blocked her a long time ago. He's blocked her now as I have asked him to.
I just feel sick. I keep trying to not think about it but the messages I've seen keep going through my mind, and the thought of them together makes me want to punch someone (mainly him!!!).
I know this is awful to say, but she's not even the type of girl you'd expect your partner to encourage that kind of relationship from. I am by no means big headed about how I look (especially now), but it just feels like he'd fuck anything that walks now and it seriously makes me feel horrible 😔
We've had a few issues in the past completely different to this, which is why we split. We've spent some time apart and feel we're just meant to be and we can make it work. I'm not naive enough to think he wouldn't have been with anyone, but he lied about the number of people he'd been with during the break and also never brought this woman up once.

I'm glad I didn't send the message now you've all suggested not to. But boy, would I LOVE to give her a piece of my mind!!!

What would make me say run here is that you had to ask him to block her, it wasn't offered by him, and that in a situation where he didn't need to lie he has. I.e. at the point you are looking to get back together and asked about your time apart he hasn't been fully transparent. People make mistakes and do bad things that hurt eachother, but you can't build anything unless there is openness honesty and transparency.

Am sorry to say you know you need to move on from him and that's what you need to do. Let go of those feelings for him and find someone with more respect for you. Good luck x

MounjaroUser · 18/09/2024 14:10

I think it's space you need, OP, not time. The instant you found out, the answer was there in front of you.

Original poster
cattreetower · 18/09/2024 14:11

@GarrynotsoGorilla and @MounjaroUser thank you, I know, you're both right 😔

OP posts:
ImNotYourMonstera · 18/09/2024 14:14

Is this really the best possible man on the planet for you? Getting back with an ex is like getting something broken out of your bin and bringing it back into your house. Like, ew.
Get STD tested if you haven't already and never accept anything 'typical bloke', exceptionally high standards should be the default.

Mrsttcno1 · 18/09/2024 14:14

I’m not sure why you’re so upset with this woman to be honest OP, she hasn’t done anything wrong, at least to you. It’s not her fault your ex did this with her, or her fault that he didn’t initially tell you about her?

TwistedWonder · 18/09/2024 14:18

So she’s a married woman who’s been sending him topless photos for years that he’s tired but as soon as he’s single for 5 minutes he couldn’t help but have sex with her? And you believe this is just him being a ‘typical bloke?

Honestly is this really the best man out there? I wouldn’t concern myself with her husband, I’d throw the ex back into the swamp he belongs in and move on.

IThinkImStillMe · 18/09/2024 14:25

I really can't imagine that she would continue to send him topless pictures for years without any encouragement, that just doesn't make sense, sounds like something a creepy man would do for kicks. I'm guessing he's not being straight with you and if he's lying about that what else is he lying about?

Original poster
cattreetower · 18/09/2024 14:26

Mrsttcno1 · 18/09/2024 14:14

I’m not sure why you’re so upset with this woman to be honest OP, she hasn’t done anything wrong, at least to you. It’s not her fault your ex did this with her, or her fault that he didn’t initially tell you about her?

I know, you're right. Technically he hasn't done anything wrong as he was single, it's just the lying and the fact it was her that hurts. I just feel so stupid that I believed this time would be it with us. We are like soulmates in good times, and best friends. We know each other's deepest and darkest secrets.. or at least I thought we did 😔 I just feel very sad and hurt 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
cattreetower · 18/09/2024 14:27

IThinkImStillMe · 18/09/2024 14:25

I really can't imagine that she would continue to send him topless pictures for years without any encouragement, that just doesn't make sense, sounds like something a creepy man would do for kicks. I'm guessing he's not being straight with you and if he's lying about that what else is he lying about?

I can't bear the thought of there being anything else he's lying about at the moment 😔

OP posts:
DixonD · 18/09/2024 14:28

Mrsttcno1 · 18/09/2024 14:14

I’m not sure why you’re so upset with this woman to be honest OP, she hasn’t done anything wrong, at least to you. It’s not her fault your ex did this with her, or her fault that he didn’t initially tell you about her?

Yes - and you weren’t even with your boyfriend when they slept together?

UrbanDieter · 18/09/2024 14:34

I would tell the husband being the last to know is horrible

Original poster
cattreetower · 18/09/2024 14:39

@DixonD I know, it's not the fact he's slept with someone, it's that he wasn't honest about it and it was her of all people. I agree, it's not her fault, it's just she's the last person he could've gone with and he chose her anyway. Argh, I'm just a very jealous person anyway but thought I was getting better 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
cattreetower · 18/09/2024 14:40

UrbanDieter · 18/09/2024 14:34

I would tell the husband being the last to know is horrible

I agree, but like others have said, I don't know what's going on with them behind closed doors. It'll be me who ends up being the bad person when all I'm trying to do is get my head around it 😔

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 18/09/2024 14:51

Leave him.

Why didn't he block all the topless photos and smutty messages?