Do I say something?

[cattreetower]

Hello, I'm looking for some advice and just a bit of comfort I guess. No one to talk to IRL.

I have just recently gotten back with my ex-boyfriend. I have found out that during our break, he’s slept with a woman who I was told to never worry about, and who is also married. Obviously I’m gutted but, my question is, would you tell the husband? I had a message written out to him last night but couldn’t bring myself to press send. She’s been sending my boyfriend topless pics and suggestive messages for years, which he’s always ignored, but succumbed to her earlier in the year (yep, the typical bloke he always told me he wasn’t!)🙄 I don’t know what to do. Please help!

Okay so think about why you want to tell the husband?
is it so he leaves said wife because if that happens I guarantee your ‘boyfriend’ will go running straight to her.
my advice would be to walk away from the whole situation and be happy. You’ll never be happy in this situation because it will eat away at you.

STD test for him would probably be a good idea! Even if he was only with her whilst you were split up, you don’t know where else she’s been !!

I find it very unlikely that she was sending topless pics with no encouragement tbh.

I couldn't be woth a man that:

• I once had to split up with
• Who cheats with married people
• Who doesn't set boundaries & block people who sent him inappropriate messages

Why focus on her and her husband? The problem is in from of you, not in their house.

I don’t think it’s jealousy that you’re feeling, it’s disgust and betrayal. He shouldn’t have had anything to do with this woman for years, let alone sleep with her even if you have broken up.
He’s not good enough for you, get rid of him.

This ⬆️ He's tainted what you have now by sleeping with this woman. He knew how you felt about her but still went ahead. It will be all you can think about now and has made you insecure. Get rid x

You’ve known for years that a woman has been sending him topless photos but you didn’t mind and didn’t think he should block her because you knew it was happening and you think he’s your “soul mate”. Then you have a break and he sleeps with various people but you don’t mind but you do mind about the one who has been coming on to him for years!

Honestly OP you need to step back and consider why you think this man is the one for you, he really doesn’t sound particularly pleasant and why would you tolerate him not blocking the other woman?

He was an ex for a reason and he should probably be an ex for this reason as well.

@cattreetower he lied about the number of people he'd been with during the break and also never brought this woman up once.

How long was the break? Are we talking a week or several months?

How many people had he been with during the break? Is this proportional to the length of the break? Eg three people during a six month break is different from 10 people over 2 weeks.

How do you know he lied about the number of people? How did you find out he’d lied?
Could you have “coped with” knowing about all the other women if he hadn’t slept with topless photo woman?

How did you find out he’d slept with this particular woman?

Did you meet anyone during the split? If so, does he know about it?

Poor bloke. He's been forced to look at topless photos and read suggestive messages from her for years until it just got too much and he 'succumbed' 🙄

Good luck if you stay with him OP. You'll need it

Why are you still eith this person? Get a life bin him and move on. I would be tempted to send the photos she sent to your partner to her husband. But not sure what that would achieve. Leave it. More pebbles on the beach.

You were not together when this happened, so really don't understand what the issue is. Stay with home if you want, leave him if you want but don't tell the husband - not your place to do so

Well he obviously liked getting her topless pictures and suggestive messages didn't he? Or he would have blocked her? You've been pretty nasty about this woman but he's the one who you should have a problem with.

OP…..

This is not a good man. I would bet my house that the woman wasn’t constantly sending pictures and messages without any encouragement from him. He didn’t block her, and the first chance he had, he slept with her.

He wasn’t upfront about her, he was hiding in plain sight. A good man would have blocked immediately and reported her if she continued, because that would be stalking.

He’s morally bankrupt and you’re tying yourself in knots because he didn’t technically cheat on you?

Would you be with a thief as long as he promised he would never steal from you? Would you be with someone who beat up other people as long as he never did it to you?
Why would you trust your heart to someone who has no moral compass?

End it and walk away.

You're back together so I'm assuming he still loved you yet shagged a woman he knows makes you uncomfortable.

He could have shut this shit down a long time ago yet hasn't done because he was keeping her as an option.

He's kinda of taken advantage of her and used her knowing she was interested which is pretty shitty of him.

He's also slept with someone's wife.

He's got the morals of an alley cat.

He's probably only told you in case you find out another way.

Come on you know you deserve better hence the fact you've broken up before.

As someone who has been the husband in this scenario I would absolutely tell him because it is soul destroying finding out your spouse is a trollop who would have sex with anything that moved. So yes I would tell her husband and the people on here condoning this shit are just as bad as her in my opinion your giving bullshit reasons to bury your head in the sand and condone her behaviour are just as bad as her where is your moral compass. You better pray your not the husband in this scenario one day because let me tell you it is fucking painful as hell and destroys your trust in every person who didn't have the balls to be honest with a fellow human being.
As for your bf get rid once this behaviour starts it's a slippery slope that leads to heart break especially if he is already lying about things.

We've spent some time apart and feel we're just meant to be and we can make it work.
We are like soulmates in good times, and best friends.

You are romanticising this relationship, looking at it through rose-coloured glasses. Phrases like 'soul mates' and 'meant to be' show that you are looking for a fantasy, a fairy-tale.
Real life is not like that.
Of course in the good times you are like best friends and 'meant to be' - if it wasn't good in the good times you would not even be together.

But you have to look at the bad times - and the good times don't cancel out the bad. The bad times, and all the bad things about him, have to be looked at separately, in isolation from the good things.
Do the bad things cross your red-lines, or does he still meet your minimum standards? Do you know what your minimum standards are?

Don't let romantic ideas, or the terrible pain you are feeling, stop you from measuring him against your standards, and finding he fails.

Tell the husband then bin him, then walk off into the sunset. People should be held accountable for the things they do.

Tbh I think you’re only doing this to spite the woman not out of any care about her husband. And the fact you’ve taken back your partner who did very little to discourage her sending photos of her tits and then jumping into her bed at the first opportunity makes you seem vindictive and a massive hypocrite.

I mean this gently but it is absolutely none of your business who he slept with when he was single. That’s so controlling and jealous. I’ve no words. He lied as he knows how you’d react and it’s not any of your business. And now you’re so jealous you even considered telling her husband. Christ on a bike.

dont ask questions looking for info that’s none of your business, especially if you can’t cope when you hear the answer.

What mysogynistic bullshit. She slept with one man, it doesn’t mean she’d sleep with anything that moves. What’s wrong with you.

Her relationship with her husband is not your business to be honest. Your relationship with yourself is the one you should be working on. You are letting this man play you like a second hand fiddle - no guy in a committed relationship accepts topless photos from another woman, knowing that his partner would be upset by it. He didn't succumb to this woman, they have been flirting together for years, he enjoyed the attention and was actively encouraging her by not shutting it down long before you were on a break.
Where's your self respect? If this woman has been waiting in the wings for so long she was possibly being fed false information by him (we don't sleep together, I just need to find the right time to end it etc) How can you trust him again? And if you can't trust him, why are you with him?

I think if you know for certain this woman was cheating on her husband (which you clearly do) then you should tell him.
I think you have to be conscious of how you do this as it has to come from a genuine place. But he deserves to make his own decision based on everything. If he doesn't believe you then that becomes his choice.

You definitely need to split from this man too.

Her relationship with her husband is none of your business. No-one will thank you for interfering in that.

She, likewise, is none of your business. She owes you nothing. Most ‘decent’ women would not behave as she has behaved with your partner, but she is clearly not a decent woman. You still have no right to get involved in that though - your problem is your OH, not her.

Your OH is a bit of a scumbag really. Says he loves you etc, but did something he knew would really hurt you, then lied about it.
Have some dignity and standards. Leave them to each other. They sound like a match made in heaven - two not nice people.

In the meantime, get yourself STI checked and move on with your life.

It sounds to me that you weren't being jealous without cause. You shouldn't feel bad about this