Sex, self esteem, new relationship

[PeachyToothpaste]

I've posted this on the sex topic but hoping to get more responses here.

I have been seeing a man for about 10 months now, and I would like to take the relationship further but there are issues surrounding sex and I don't know how to approach them.

When we first started sleeping together, he was always unable to finish inside of me and would ask for oral or use his hand to finish himself off, which I initially put down to nerves as he had been single for a long time. He has finished inside of me maybe 4 times in ten months. As time went on, he is now also unable to finish via oral or my hand, and uses his own hand to finish, and occasionally this doesn't work either. In the last month or so, he has been unable to stay hard during oral or piv sex. When this happens, he does not want to talk about it and still tries to continue with having sex whilst soft which is awkward and frustrating.

When I broach this with him, all he says is that it's not me.
He says he is attracted to me, and more often than not it's him who initiates sex but it's really having an effect on my self esteem. We are both mid thirties, in good physical health but both take antidepressants. I am so worried that this is because of how my body looks and feels, I have a csection overhang, have breastfed 3 children and have had multiple vaginal births too. None of his previous partners have had children.

I'm aware this is likely his own issue, but how do I overcome this as I'd really like to be with him, but the feelings of feeling not good enough every time we have sex is a lot to deal with. I think about it most of the day even when at work.

This will be related to his porn usage, compounded with the anti-depressants. Tell him to give up the porn as a starter.

Is this a real thing? I've read conflicting things about it.

‘’I'm aware this is likely his own issue, but how do I overcome this as I'd really like to be with him, but the feelings of feeling not good enough every time we have sex is a lot to deal with. I think about it most of the day even when at work.’’

OP this are your own words. Why are you so desperate to make his issue your issue?? From the sounds of it you already have enough going on. The thinking you have going on about him, stop it and focus on yourself instead. He sounds fucking draining..

Because I really would like to be with him long term. I've not experienced this with previous partners and I'm almost embarassed that this has happening. I keep thinking that if he has sex with another woman and everything works as it should, then I'd know if the issue is me or not

It might be a real thing although I've never heard of this outside Mumsnet. It's not going to be the same with every single man.

Ir is absolutely not you. It could be psychological or physical. Physical is the first thing to check - he should get a GP appointment and a referral to an ED clinic. If it’s not physical then sex therapy is the next step. He needs to be open and honest if he has any kinks.

if he isn’t willing to do these things, I think that’s a red flag.

its not you, its him.

You need a partner, not a project. He does not want your help or support. This man has issues with intimacy and it’s not likely things will improve unless he wants to address these issues.

Why are you seemingly so intent on making this with him long term?.

I have a similar situation with the bloke I'm seeing and it's down to excessive porn use. A vagina or mouth is never going to be able to grip as tightly as his hand.

How old is he? This is not uncommon for men as they progress through their 50s.

All the experts out in force……

It could be a side effect from the anti depressants. Also is he diabetic?? This used to happen to my ex.

He's 35 and not diabetic

Men can really struggle to climax on antidepressants, it’s a recognised side effect. If he knows you’re getting upset every time thinking it’s all about you it’ll pile the pressure on, so chill and don’t make it a big deal.

My ex husband was the same, he watched loads of porn and couldn't come without that stimulation. As I refused to have porn in my presence as I am totally anti porn we just didn't have sex anymore and got divorced.
Its a real problem now.

Don't sign yourself up to all this nonsense .
Honestly, cut him loose

You're making his issue your issue. It's nothing to do with you. And it won't improve.

Get rid of him

Of course? Medical evidence often says it isn’t a real thing

I thought I could. But the impact it's having on my own self esteem and my mental health is difficult to describe, sex is an important part of relationships to me and we are both only in our thirties. I don't want to feel unwanted or unattractive in a long term relationship

Aside from this issue our relationship is good, I have known him and been friends for our whole lives and he is who I want to be with

But the cost to both your self esteem and self worth is too high and both are being battered now. Another year of this will further emotionally harm you. You do not know this person as well as you thought you did and he has not been honest with you.

Definitely anti depressants. I find it really hard to orgasm when I’m on them, read the side effects, it’s a definite thing (for men and women but of course only reported for men!)

It's not you.
It's probably porn.
If it's damaging your self esteem so much then it really doesn't sound the relationship is worth staying in.

Op says he is mid-thirties.