Sex, self esteem, new relationship

[PeachyToothpaste]

I've posted this on the sex topic but hoping to get more responses here.

I have been seeing a man for about 10 months now, and I would like to take the relationship further but there are issues surrounding sex and I don't know how to approach them.

When we first started sleeping together, he was always unable to finish inside of me and would ask for oral or use his hand to finish himself off, which I initially put down to nerves as he had been single for a long time. He has finished inside of me maybe 4 times in ten months. As time went on, he is now also unable to finish via oral or my hand, and uses his own hand to finish, and occasionally this doesn't work either. In the last month or so, he has been unable to stay hard during oral or piv sex. When this happens, he does not want to talk about it and still tries to continue with having sex whilst soft which is awkward and frustrating.

When I broach this with him, all he says is that it's not me.
He says he is attracted to me, and more often than not it's him who initiates sex but it's really having an effect on my self esteem. We are both mid thirties, in good physical health but both take antidepressants. I am so worried that this is because of how my body looks and feels, I have a csection overhang, have breastfed 3 children and have had multiple vaginal births too. None of his previous partners have had children.

I'm aware this is likely his own issue, but how do I overcome this as I'd really like to be with him, but the feelings of feeling not good enough every time we have sex is a lot to deal with. I think about it most of the day even when at work.

It's always that man's fault isn't it. The first handful of posts are all saying porn or death grip, when nothing had been said about him doing either of these. I'd bet that when OP sees him 'manually' helping himself, he's not exactly gripping like a madman.

It's most likely down to two things, no sugar coating it.

He's on antidepressants. These numb emotions BY DESIGN. Men need emotions and adrenaline, etc, to get hard.

It also needs sensation and attraction. I'm sorry, but much as a man with a beer belly is less attractive to women, saggy bits are less attractive to men. Plus, three kids are going to significantly impact the pelvic floor tightness. People are tiptoeing around this. No decent guy is going to say "it's you", even if it is.

I'd put my money on the antidepressants.

Hi there, lots of conflicting opinions here, but firstly it sounds like outside of the bedroom this relationship is good? If so ignore the men haters, if you love him and want this to work work with him. But firstly understand this is not you, this is not about your attractiveness. Attraction is not all about the body and physical the mind is the most powerful part of that too. Likewise a big impactor on a mans sexual performance. Firstly rule out physical medical issues he may have. Ask him to see his GP, he supportive and go with him if he prefers.
Assuming that is all fine then it is something in his mind. You need to get him to open up and talk about it. He will likely be worried about it he is satisfying you. And probably that anxiety is affecting him. Sex is complex and some men can get very hung up about it. It is important you try not to as that may add to his anxiety. Try not to make a thing about it. Could he be worried about you getting pregnant? Anyhow try to work with him. If that doesn't work, think carefully about what you need to be happy, then discuss options around open marriage, divorce or whatever you think would work better for your happiness. Good luck.

Well no, I'm not saying it's his fault. I think it's because of me which I already said in my original post

I think what many are trying to say here is that it is not your fault either. BifurCAT is being antagonistic deliberberately i suspect. He is absolutely right about the antidepressants, but ignore the rest.

OP stop blaming yourself, if he didn't find you attractive then l doubt he would be intimate with you.
Its almost certainly the anti depressants, it's a well known side effect in men (and women.) I think there are other anti depressant meds that don't cause that effect, you could suggest he sees his GP and tries those but really its his issue to fix not yours.

My money's on the antidepressants, too.

I am in my 50s, and I've been with a couple of men over the years who struggle to cum through penetrative. One said it was a trust issue, and after some weeks together, he did, though not every time. I think the other - probably partly age (he's been seen recently for concerns over his prostate) but could also be porn. Don't know, don't care, if it doesn't bother them. They seem happy to finish off in other ways (and more importantly for me, they make sure I orgasm.)

But it sounds like it does bother him. I'd probably encourage him to use his hands or tongue rather than carry on trying to penetrate while soft - sex doesn't have to be penis-centric (though not all men realise this...) Not talking about it isn't good overall, but maybe talking about it outside the bedroom, rather than in the moment would help.

Antidepressants often do affect your sex life. But something’s wrong if you’re both on long-term antidepressants in your 30s. Have you tried psychotherapy and/or other ways of dealing with depression? If your relationship is good in other ways, can you help each other through?

Don’t stop taking antidepressants without medical advice, as you need to wean yourself slowly off these powerful drugs. It’s dangerous to just stop them suddenly.

But do talk to your GPs about other ways you can lift yourselves out of depression. You don’t want to be dependent on these drugs forever.

Agree. As someone who had similar issues with ex. Things are not the same down there (for me especially).
This is fundamentally a communication issue though and if things can’t be communicated sensitively and he isn’t taking steps to address the issues HE is having with gp then the relationship won’t go anywhere but continue to erode your self esteem.

OP have you noticed any changes down there? (I hope to get laser rejuvenation for laxity).

Just want to add not being antagonistic, this is not your fault! It is still likely the ADs and he is the one with the issue.

Yeah, ignore this.

Interesting how when women can't come through penetrative sex or from their partner's hand/mouth, that's considered totally normal. Nobody tells us that we've somehow become sexually dysfunctional through masturbating. And if someone said 'My boyfriend gets offended/hurt if I touch myself or use a toy in bed' everyone would say 'He's being ridiculous, it's not your fault if he can't get you off, you deserve an orgasm so he needs to get over himself.'

Pretty sure I have been on a thread here about a lot of toy use desensitising women.

It's still mostly a communication issue.

Thank you for the responses.
The medication he's on is not an SSRI and after a small amount of research I've found it's not thought to affect sexual function so I'm not sure it is because of the antidepressants

2 people with MH issues in a relationship is probably not a great combination. Neither of you seeing the wood for the trees.You've jumped to it being you as a woman, that's down to your skewed way of looking at it because that is your default from having a fragile ego ( low self esteem). Well, you are most likely with someone who also has a fragile ego who blames himself.
So we have 2 people, blaming themselves which is getting neither of you anywhere.
Try to be the person with healthy esteem for a change ( fake it till you make it). Ask yourself what they would do? They would try to look at it logically, discount anything about them, if all other aspects of the relationship are fine, it won't be them.
So we come to what's going on with him? And the glaringly obvious one is anti-D's, which are notorious for causing exactly this issue.
Upshot is, it's not you, and it's not his fault either so hating on yourselves is not solving anything and blinding you to the cause.
Solutions could vary. Could there be any way of coming off his anti-D's, maybe with suppotive therapy? Could he try different meds that may not affect him the same - there are so many to try? Could viagra or similar help? - I'm not a Dr so don't know if it's conta-indicated with his meds.
It's a medication side effect most likely, so he needs to discuss it with his GP, who will have heard it all before and will have suggestions to try.

I do apologise OP, I could have been a bit more tactful, but the fundamentals are true for both sexes. You need attraction, sensation, and emotion.

A man coming in here saying his wife couldn't orgasm wouldn't be told 'she must be addicted to porn'. Women wouldn't be sugar-coating it. If he said she does most of the housework, people would be jumping on it as the cause (emotion). If he used to look like Brad Pitt and now looks like Boris Johnson (attraction). If all her exes had 9 inches and she orgasmed every time, but there's you with 3 inches (sensation).

But I honestly do not think it is those. My partner was on antidepressants, and sex was legitimately off the table, so I really do speak from experience.

If you don't think it's that though, a delicate conversation is in order. Has he managed with exes? Is your oral technique on par? - so many people, men and women just assume they're good, but everyone is different and requirements change!). Is he feeling pressured? - if he knows you want it, he's trying his best, and that in itself is pressure that distracts from his own enjoyment (I'd honestly put this as my second main reason). Is he insecure about his manhood? Pressure at work? A fetish he likes that is a 'requirement' for his enjoyment?

He has a very stress free job, and stress free life in general. His last sexual partner before me was at least 10 years ago, and he said he's always taken a long time to finish but I think the not being able to finish unless via his own hand, and losing his erection is new. But I am obviously just going off what he says, I can't know 100%.

No fetishes or kinks that I know of, I've asked several times.

I've never had this or any similar issues with any other partners, but he is the first partner I've had since my youngest child was born.

He's probably just quite unhealthy and can't manage it.

The orgasm thing I wouldn't worry too much about. It's not common, but it's not super unusual. Him not being able to maintain an erection is much bigger problem though.

My first suggestion would be to break up with him. Second would be to send him to the doctors and see if they can't sort it. Third would be to stop getting invested in sex and make sure you're sorting yourself out regularly so it doesn't become too frustrating when he can't deliver a reliable performance. Although that's no way to live, so I come back to my first suggestion.

My partner was like this last year. I also thought about throwing in the towel and was advised to by quite a few people here!

It's much better now. He cums in me more often than not and because it's more often I don't mind the times he still needs to cum by HJ or blowjob.

He also started taking Viagra. After a few months he stopped and now cums naturally but knows the back up is there. If you love him, I'd give it time. Say a few months and leave it it doesn't improve.

His libido, or more accurately attraction for the opposite sex, has never been up there if he's not had a sexual relationship in 10 years! So from his 20's to 30's - that is a huge sign that he has always had less interest than the average man. Bit of a drip feed that.

Death grip is such a mumsnet cliché. It's probably because of the antidepressants, coupled with a psychological block for some reason. Personally my DH has trained himself so well over the years not to finish until his partner has done that sometimes he struggles to let himself go over the edge and needs manual help to get there. I know for a fact he barely watches porn and it's nothing to do with that.

ETA an answer to your actual question - I would not waste my time with a bad sex life no matter what the cause was. Harsh but true.

There are circumstances that have prevented him from having a relationship that I will not be getting into online, but it wasn't because he didn't want a relationship.

Could those circumstances have impacted his mental health and attitude to sex and his own body and self esteem? Nobody on mums net ever seems to think about men's self esteem and body issues having an impact on their sexual functioning.

If course you don't have to divulge on a forum why he's not had sex in over 10 years, however, it will be a big factor in his issues now, whatever the reason. Has he had counselling?

Prison?

No, not prison but I've already said I'm not willing to discuss his life circumstances on here so I'm not sure why you think it appropriate to ask.