Change my mind almost daily about my married surname

[Likeaburstcouch]

On an almost daily basis I swing from wanting to take his name to wanting to keep mine to wanting to double-barrel. I just need a mechanism to decide! I don't know how to make the decision!

I've been with DH for 10 years, got married this year. My maiden name is 4 syllables, his is 2, so it would be quite long as a double barrelled surname. We have 2 DC, the eldest has double barrelled as we had him very early in our relationship and I wasn't sure DH (then DP) would stick around - no fault of his, my own cynicism. By the time we had DC2, he'd proven to be a brilliant dad, we had a mortgage and we were engaged, so we just gave DC2 my husbands surname, expecting to all have the same surname once we were married.

Main reason for taking his name is a kind of romantic sense of having a family name. Main reason for not wanting to change it, honestly, it makes me feel vulnerable. I have no rational reason to believe he'll cheat on me, but I was a child of divorce, my stepdad was also the victim of a horrible cheat, and my first relationship ended over cheating so I think I'm just scared it will happen to me again. I'm sure this is common but for some reason none of my friends now have divorced parents so I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

Main reason for not having double-barrelled is that he flat out refuses - which then makes me double down about not changing mine. Also as much as DC1 (aged 5) loves having a long double barrelled name at the moment, I worry it will burden him as he gets older, and I feel guilty that my reason to push for double-barrelled is only my ego/vanity.

Also, my maiden name is my mum's maiden name, which she reverted us both to after my dad cheated when I was a baby.

Thanks for reading if you got this far :)

Double barreled names give me the ick (unless you are Spanish) so I would keep your own or take his. Both are perfectly acceptable choices.

I kept mine as I have already changed it once by deed poll at 18 (just like you, to revert to my Mum’s maiden name so I would be the same as the rest of the family after cheating father left) and it was a right pain then, moreso now I am an adult with more stuff with my name on it!

I'm in the same dilemma but only for vanity reasons in that I a like my surname more than his! However it's a second marriage for me - so my name is my ex husbands but I have been that surname more than my maiden name and it's my kids name.

I also resent that I have to take a man's name but obvs I did that first time around!!!

I don't know what the solution is!

Stick with your maiden name. It’s currently the status quo and why change anything until you know what you want and why?
I don’t see what reason you have to change. Double
barrelled is out for the whole family as your h won’t consider it. If he refuses that, then the only way of all having the same name is for you to “fall into line” and his refusal in itself disqualifies him a someone who “gets” compromise and therefore deserves it. He’s not ready. He’s not the man you need for you to consider changing your name for.

I’m double barrelling as I love my surname , however all our children will take his!

I will start out by saying I didn't change my name when I got married, I didn't even consider it. So my thoughts should be read through that lens!

You've been together for a long time already, with a variety of names in the family. I don't think you really think you will feel any different if you all have the same name (except for the double-barreller, presumably??). The fact that your DP won't entertain changing his name is significant only in that there's no need for you to consider doing this unless you really want to - I know a few people who've changed their surname because it 'was important to their DH', but apparently not so important that he was willing to change his own bloody surname! So not that important, clearly!

I am a child of divorce, so haven't had the same surname as my mum since she remarried when I was 7. Thus I have never considered having the same surname as a sort of prerequisite for being a family. I wouldn't tie your feelings up about changing name with thinking it secretly means your DP will cheat, or that you secretly think he will, that is loading a lot on to the decision.

I think this is more problematic because you already have children and have given them different surnames, one with your name and one without your name without thinking of how they may question this when they are older. How would you answer that to them because they won't be young forever.

If you keep your name only your first born has that same name as you whereas your Dh gets both children with his name.

I think I would consider changing your name to his but only on the proviso that your youngest child has the same surname as his sibling so adding in your maiden name officially by deed poll.

I've kept my surname legally and professionally, but I use my married name informally - so it's only when we go on holiday (passports) that you'd really notice I've actually got a different surname.

Our son has my husbands surname, with my surname as a middle name (it works well as is an unusual first name too).

If he won't add your surname to his, you shouldn't add his to yours.

I don't understand why you didn't give your second child both surnames, as you did for your first child. Does your second child have your surname as a middle name, at least?

Nothing wrong with double-barrelled names; completely disagree with PP, if it's good enough for the Spanish, it's good enough for anyone else who wants to do it. It's clearly the fairest way.

mother Ms Taylor
father Mr Smith
children Taylor-Smith
The Taylor-Smith family

Of course some surnames are longer and won't go so well together but it's really not the end of the world.

I know quite a few women who regret changing their surname. Some due to having split, but several just because as they got older they realised changing their name doesn’t really fit with their values.

I don’t know a single person who regrets keeping their surname.

Keep your name. Having a family name is overrated. I can't believe you gave your kids different surnames though! Poor youngest kid! You should have followed the same pattern.

Keep your surname. It's a terrible faff to change everything for no good reason. Read up on the Law of Coverture and how women were completely deprived of rights. Then ponder how a father hands his possession to her new owner in church, then loses her identity. To put the icing on the cake think of the morons who address a letter to Mrs John Smith.

You already all have different names, so what if you continue to have different names post wedding? It really hasn't been a problem for me at all. Although the DC think its hilarious that Dh adn I agreed the pets would all have my name so at the vet he is "Mr Fraser" because clearly the vets have no idea we have different names and that whenever I call the mechanic I call myself "myname DH name" because it's the easiest way as they knew Dh for years before I started talking to them directly about my 3rd child, aka my car, which I would never trust DH to look after

Keep your name. I think the fact that your DH wouldn't even CONSIDER changing his means that if you change yours you will be resentful forever. I would be.

We've been married nearly 10 years and I still haven't decided. At this point, I think my inaction is a decision in itself.

We both decided on a new surname together when we got married, changed by deedpoll. Children have the new name too.

Bit of a sticking point if your DH is set against changing his though.

Why? The one regret in life I have is that my children have only their fathers surname. It doesn't eat me up anymore but I am bitterly regretful about not being stronger.

Keep your name, change your kids' names to either both be double-barrelled, or both just yours.

If your DH won't consider changing his name, why should you?

For kids' names it makes sense for them to be the same as the default parent. Who does the majority of GP appointments and school stuff?

Unless you dislike your surname I'd keep it and change the second child's to double barrelled instead. The DC can always just chose one of the surnames to use on a day to day basis.

Keep your own name. Simple.

Just keep your name, and don't think about it again. Life's too short to waste headspace on something so trivial! never changed my name, and I never think about it.

Could you all change to your surname?

Keep your name and change the second child to double barrel too.

why do you question your ‘ego’ in wanting to keep your own name, but it’s fine for your H to ‘flat out refuse’ to change anything about his name? He won’t even share.

The real answer is for all of you to have a double-barrel family name. I’ve known several families who have done this, unfortunately you need to be in a relationship with a man either a non-fragile ego for it to work.

People who ‘don’t like double-barrelled surnames unless Spanish’ give me the ick - I just don’t like blatant xenophobic people, there are many nations where this is common and smacks of reverse snobbery.

Most of my female friends kept their own surname, a few double-barrelled, one changed hers to his, one male changed his to hers and all the homosexual couples kept their own name.

One couple really wanted the same surname. They flipped a coin on the day of their wedding to decide. I thought this was lovely, both couples were willing to compromise in order to achieve their common goal. If your partner isn’t willing to compromise then I think that’s a bad sign.

Personally, I would keep your own name and double-barrel your second child’s surname to match your first child.

"Double barreled names give me the ick (unless you are Spanish) so I would keep your own or take his. Both are perfectly acceptable choices."

Women taking their husband's names "gives ME the ick....."

Do this, it's the obvious answer, especially if your DH won't double barrel. Also double barrel the younger childs name

I never understand double barrelling for the wife and children, but not the husband. What's the point? Either you all want to have the same name, or you don't. Personally, I don't care so we have different names (and if DH had had his way, we'd have had boys with his name, girls with mine - I just couldn't be bothered with the hassle of that at school!). But the one thing I absolutely would never do is agree to double barrel my name, double barel the kids'. names and let DH keep his own. It's the absolute worst of all worlds.