Change my mind almost daily about my married surname

[Likeaburstcouch]

On an almost daily basis I swing from wanting to take his name to wanting to keep mine to wanting to double-barrel. I just need a mechanism to decide! I don't know how to make the decision!

I've been with DH for 10 years, got married this year. My maiden name is 4 syllables, his is 2, so it would be quite long as a double barrelled surname. We have 2 DC, the eldest has double barrelled as we had him very early in our relationship and I wasn't sure DH (then DP) would stick around - no fault of his, my own cynicism. By the time we had DC2, he'd proven to be a brilliant dad, we had a mortgage and we were engaged, so we just gave DC2 my husbands surname, expecting to all have the same surname once we were married.

Main reason for taking his name is a kind of romantic sense of having a family name. Main reason for not wanting to change it, honestly, it makes me feel vulnerable. I have no rational reason to believe he'll cheat on me, but I was a child of divorce, my stepdad was also the victim of a horrible cheat, and my first relationship ended over cheating so I think I'm just scared it will happen to me again. I'm sure this is common but for some reason none of my friends now have divorced parents so I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

Main reason for not having double-barrelled is that he flat out refuses - which then makes me double down about not changing mine. Also as much as DC1 (aged 5) loves having a long double barrelled name at the moment, I worry it will burden him as he gets older, and I feel guilty that my reason to push for double-barrelled is only my ego/vanity.

Also, my maiden name is my mum's maiden name, which she reverted us both to after my dad cheated when I was a baby.

Thanks for reading if you got this far :)

I deeply regret changing my name. We split up. If I ever marry again I will keep my maiden name because I am not a possession that need his name tagged onto me so everyone knows I'm his

Keep your name, and add your name to your second child's name so they are the same as their sibling.

Why didn't you just give your kids your surname to start with?

Not a chance in hell would I change my name especially as he wouldn't change his!

It's an old concept taking husbands name. I did it because I wanted that family name. If we divorce then I'll change it back to my maiden name. It's not a big deal to me. However you seem to have some trauma about it all. You've been together 10yrs and he's not given you reason to doubt?

It's funny how men rarely agonise over this.

If changing names is genuinely all about creating a new family identity, surely the fairest thing would be to pick a new name for all, rather than just the woman.

Lots of other cultures do not do this and children do not automatically take the father's name.

My family has 3 sets of names. Never been an issue, even travelling abroad. Sometimes the children got taken to one side and asked a few questions at the airport to make sure I wasn't kidnapping them, but all without drama and never longer than a few minutes. They're adult now so no longer an issue.

Just take his.

Exactly. It’s not an aesthetic decision. My son’s full name (first name plus both parents’ surnames) is eight syllables.

Why?

I went back and forwards on this for ages too. In the end I changed my name by deed poll to have my maiden name as a middle name, and added my DH's surname. Our kid also has my maiden name as a middle name, and any future ones will too. We were together for so long before marriage that a lot of our friends refer to us as the my name-his name family anyway.

I wanted to have the same setup as my children, whatever that might be. He didn't want to change his surname but is now thinking about adding my maiden as a middle name too, to match the kids. So this worked for both of us.

You should all change to just his name, or just the double barrelled. Kids from same parents having different surnames is baffling.

Baffling? 😂

And why is the choice only his name or double barrelled? Why not hers?

@TheDefiant "my maiden name belonged to my Dad. It wasn't "mine"

Exactly the same for your husband.

Keep your name
Double both kids.
Why is it only vain/petty if you want your name involved? He's the one being stubborn and difficult about it.

Got married a couple of years ago - only changed my name on facebook as I have too nany bank accounts and assets in my name - would be a nightmare changing. Ironically my desire to avoid huge amounts of paperwork means i've retained my ex Husbands name

Sounds like your youngest is pre-school, so the most straightforward (and in my view most sensible) thing to do is formally change his to the double-barrel and you keep your own. He’ll have next to nothing in his name so less faff than you, and kids will have same surname which is both parents names.

If they dislike it later in life and want to only use one part, that’s up to them.

Keep your name.

there is no reason to change it. If he was willing to change his name and you decided at random, it might be ok, but he isn’t so I wouldn’t even consider changing.

Just make him take yours. Cut his leg off if he protests.

#keepingdecisionssimple

No-one regrets keeping their name, plenty regret changing it.

If I were to get married again (which I absolutely will not be), there is no way I would change my name again. He could change his if it was important to him that we had the same name.

Just to update in case helpful for anyone like me in the future - I'm keeping mine, he's keeping his, the kids are double barrelled and we're all happy!

You know some English families have double barrelled names naturally, rather than combining names to create a double barrelled?

They sure do - very glad I don't.
I love my DH surname - it is really noble and it works fabulously with our kids names. But I won't be using it. He doesn't care and it has never caused us any issues.

Same situation. My surname is that of my ex because my 2 eldest have that name. My youngest has my current husband's name.

I changed my name to his, which I know is infuriating to some people, but I'm happy with my choice.
I did it for two reasons. Firstly, I wanted a family name. I really didn't want some of us to have different names. Secondly, my first name and his surname go together really well! My full name sounds beautiful and sophisticated with his surname. It's much better than my first name and maiden name.
I would have considered double barrelling, but his surname is already two separate names (not double barrelled, just two names. He's foreign). Having three surnames would give me a headache.