Had a baby by the wrong guy in my 40s...

[DarkerBerry]

I hate society for making single women feel as though they have no value and are undeserving of respect and as though having a man is like sitting on a cloud in heaven.

I had been single for approx. 12 years with a couple a short term boyfriends in between. I'd been on dates but as a single mum of a teenage boy, I was trying to be careful but just couldn't find the right person. Then I met someone on a well known app with a paid service and he absolutely swept me off my feet. Within the first 10 minutes of our 1st conversation, I told him I had a teenage son and he said he loves kids and that it wasn't a problem. We ended up having a whirlwind romance and 2 years later, I'm engaged and have a 6 month old with my partner living with me and my older son.
The thing is he lied about many things and I'm finding out in dribs and drabs. He lied about his age (said he was 48 instead of 54), his level in job (said he was an Executive chef when he is a sous chef), how many children he has (told me he had 2 children when I know he has 3 and actually suspect he has 4), led me to believe he lived with his children (when he never has lived with them). He is also quite trigger-happy to argue and I'm so laid back and calm, it just doesn't suit well with my personality at all. He also spent the first year strongly accusing me of admiring other men when I wasn't which has taken such a toll on our relationship.
The thing that broke my heart was that he doesn't actually like my teenage boy. He would make comments about various things about my son, about how I think of him too much and give my son more attention than he deserves, if my son lies in in the morning, he would call him a 'king' (in private to me) (I'm paraphrasing...) even though my son is a kind and considerate person who hasn't behaved out of line towards my partner at all - if only a little shy as he is a quiet boy.

Due to all this, I've slowly gone off being intimate with him.
When I look back, there were a few signs but as I haven't been heavily experienced, I thought it was just teething problems/that he loved me and was a bit insecure and that was something I could help him through (re: accusations). A majority of the above, I found out/he would tell me after I became pregnant.

More recently, we have just come to the late stages of buying a house together, only to have the mortgage broker tell me he has taken out numerous loans and that because he relies so heavily on credit, it is highly unlikely we'd get the house we choose to purchase.
I take responsibility for rushing into this and the 'I made my bed and I should lay in it' type advice goes without saying. No matter which way I look at things, I no longer love him. He is a good guy in some ways but it's the things I really looked for in a man he lied about. When I find out the truth, he gaslights me and tells me all along he told the truth in the beginning and that I got it wrong, that I'm 'manipulative' and constantly trying to 'twist his words'. I'm trying to hang in there and cope with the decision I made to start a relationship with him and have a child with him, but I'm running out of tactics and strategies. I've been a single mother before and I can do it again but I know he'll put up a fight and won't leave easily. I'm unhappy and although I love my little son so much, sometimes I wish I could go back to being single again. He's actually put me off men completely.

Any advice on either leaving or with how to cope with him for the next 15 years would be grateful.

Red flags all over the place here

I would never expose my son to someone like you have described above

you think your son doesn’t know this guy is an a hole?

you haven’t said if you can afford to separate but if you can then I’d be running out the door in your shoes

That’s your experience and that’s good for you that you never that way. In my community and in my culture and across social media, that’s the way I feel from personal experience. It doesn’t make me wrong for doing so. Of course, 3 years is not as long as I had been single. No real comparison there. But thanks for posting.

Why are you still trying to blame culture and community still? You did this.

Get on with dumping him rather than trying to assuage your guilt on MN

And social media.. are you 12?

'I had a baby too fast because... social media makes me feel single woman is worthless'

What absolute rot.

Get gone, he's a lier you can't trust a lier.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I have read all that you have said. Please don’t think that “made my bed so must lie in it” thing. It would have been better had you learned all those things before you had a child with him but you will read over and over again on here from women whose partner/ husband changed very much for the worst after they’d had a child. The advice is always to leave.

And that is what you should do. Immediately for your eldest (he’s probably aware how this man feels about him). Then for yourself and your baby who doesn’t need to grow up in around a man like him. He may want to see his child but he doesn’t sound like the type to commit to that.

Your home is in your name - throw him out.

I'm trying to hang in there and cope with the decision I made to start a relationship with him

there’s so much of this sentiment in your post
I’m not sure why you feel you need to try so hard to make it work with a man who lies to you, doesn’t see his children and doesn’t like your son. never mind that he sounds like he’s horrible to you too.
Continuing to ignore red flags isn’t dealing with it and working on a relationship isn’t one party accepting whatever BS is thrown at them

‘You made your bed now lie in it’ means you have to deal with the situation, not that you have to stay in it

He needs to leave ASAP. This relationship is going nowhere positive and I really feel for your teenage son.

I feel for your teenager living in a house with someone who dislikes him. If you don’t leave for yourself then do it for him.

He moved in too quickly. Does your son actually like living with him, if not he needs to move out.

I am a firm believer in taking responsibility for your actions and sucking it up, learning from the experience. But you can get out of that bed and remake it; 'I made it this way and it wasn't comfortable. Let me fluff those pillows." Tip up your mattress and roll this guy out.

Do not accept the grotty bedding this man brings with him. Some of those stains are really alarming and that quilt will never keep you warm. You and your children can make things toasty together. That can keep you warm against any chill society sends your way for being single.

Life is too short to stay with this man.

I've also done this I'm younger 33 and I ended up having a child with a liar and an absolute dick.

It's a lesson well learnt on my behalf and like you has put me off men and even trying to date if honest.

Defo leave, you're not happy and all and it's not fair to be unhappy and have your children in this situation they can sense things and will pick up on it.

OP,
Get him out asap.
Involve the police if necessary.
Protect your teenager.
He is who I feel most sorry for in this shit show.
I feel very sorry for you but honestly I simply never understand women having a baby after a huge gap.
It brings them back to such a hard place.

He is a liar and a loser.
The worst thing you have written in that long list is that he doesn't like your son.
Completely unforgivable.
Get him out.

Right, so you rent in your name privately. Fine. That's great. Should be relatively simple getting him to leave or leaving (compared to owning, shared tenancy or you having nowhere to go).

Utilities in his name are neither here nor there in the scheme of things. If he refuses to be leave, you involve the police. Perhaps speak to women's aid for advice if you suspect this will be an issue. You can then claim for CMS and let him take the initiative in access to the child.

If people in the community want to judge you, let them. You've made your decisions, own them with dignity and move on.

I would suggest reflecting on what's made you ignore so many red flags in a relationship though, lies about his children, his treatment of your son, the way he speaks to you. This may be helpful in future.

I feel pride is an issue here, like you're ashamed to admire your relationship has failed. However the red flags are screaming! As don't get financially tied to this man! You have a sweet teenage son who I promise you will be there for you if you leave! If you stay you'll lose your son!

Sous chef at 54? Doesn’t bode well. The treatment of your son is the number one reason to remove this man from your life. The lies and gaslighting are a close second, you must be on edge and emotionally exhausted from this, which turns you into someone you aren’t and don’t recognise. The thing that potentially concerns me most is the finances. He is seriously in debt and living off credit/ loans, which I presume you weren’t aware of? Quite apart from the fact you couldn’t get a mortgage because of this, if you get married then divorced who knows what assets he would try to take from you (and by extension your children). Good luck OP, you sound like a great lady.

The man you're with won your affections by deceit, continues to lie and tries to mislead you. He is not a partner to you, he's a user.

This is it, OP. Thank your lucky stars you haven’t bought a house together. Now you can move on and make a happier life with your DC.

Sorry you can't blame society for your mistakes. I was single 12yrs and in my 20s/30s. I didn't dive into a relationship because I was pressured. Tbh I didn't care about relationships at all I was happy. I did meet someone by chance and married with a child now but i didn't do it because of society.
He doesn't like your child and you're still with him. Run away. He's a narcissist

You really shouldn't be on here giving advice or opinion. I've had some harsh but true advice on here which I will take on but you just sound a little hateful and very negative.

Love the metaphor! Thank you @Kittensat36

Thank you @IGJ10 for the advice.

Very true. Thank you.

Thank you for your considerate advice.

True about gaslighting myself and what you say about my son. Thank you for your advice.

You know what you need to do... get rid. He's a liability. He reeled you in with lies and false promises. That's no basis for a relationship. Plus he doesn't like your son - that's the reddest of red flags.

Be glad because this experience brought you your baby son, but don't commit any further - throw this one back! Best wishes x

Maybe take some time to reflect on how you became so suggestible.

Society convinced you of something, this man convinced you of something - in the middle of all of these pressures, you have agency to stop the train and say wait, just WAIT. Stop. Let me think about this. What is in my best interest?