Had a baby by the wrong guy in my 40s...

[DarkerBerry]

I hate society for making single women feel as though they have no value and are undeserving of respect and as though having a man is like sitting on a cloud in heaven.

I had been single for approx. 12 years with a couple a short term boyfriends in between. I'd been on dates but as a single mum of a teenage boy, I was trying to be careful but just couldn't find the right person. Then I met someone on a well known app with a paid service and he absolutely swept me off my feet. Within the first 10 minutes of our 1st conversation, I told him I had a teenage son and he said he loves kids and that it wasn't a problem. We ended up having a whirlwind romance and 2 years later, I'm engaged and have a 6 month old with my partner living with me and my older son.
The thing is he lied about many things and I'm finding out in dribs and drabs. He lied about his age (said he was 48 instead of 54), his level in job (said he was an Executive chef when he is a sous chef), how many children he has (told me he had 2 children when I know he has 3 and actually suspect he has 4), led me to believe he lived with his children (when he never has lived with them). He is also quite trigger-happy to argue and I'm so laid back and calm, it just doesn't suit well with my personality at all. He also spent the first year strongly accusing me of admiring other men when I wasn't which has taken such a toll on our relationship.
The thing that broke my heart was that he doesn't actually like my teenage boy. He would make comments about various things about my son, about how I think of him too much and give my son more attention than he deserves, if my son lies in in the morning, he would call him a 'king' (in private to me) (I'm paraphrasing...) even though my son is a kind and considerate person who hasn't behaved out of line towards my partner at all - if only a little shy as he is a quiet boy.

Due to all this, I've slowly gone off being intimate with him.
When I look back, there were a few signs but as I haven't been heavily experienced, I thought it was just teething problems/that he loved me and was a bit insecure and that was something I could help him through (re: accusations). A majority of the above, I found out/he would tell me after I became pregnant.

More recently, we have just come to the late stages of buying a house together, only to have the mortgage broker tell me he has taken out numerous loans and that because he relies so heavily on credit, it is highly unlikely we'd get the house we choose to purchase.
I take responsibility for rushing into this and the 'I made my bed and I should lay in it' type advice goes without saying. No matter which way I look at things, I no longer love him. He is a good guy in some ways but it's the things I really looked for in a man he lied about. When I find out the truth, he gaslights me and tells me all along he told the truth in the beginning and that I got it wrong, that I'm 'manipulative' and constantly trying to 'twist his words'. I'm trying to hang in there and cope with the decision I made to start a relationship with him and have a child with him, but I'm running out of tactics and strategies. I've been a single mother before and I can do it again but I know he'll put up a fight and won't leave easily. I'm unhappy and although I love my little son so much, sometimes I wish I could go back to being single again. He's actually put me off men completely.

Any advice on either leaving or with how to cope with him for the next 15 years would be grateful.

If you stay with him for 15 years you may well end up being his carer. You need to work out how to leave in the most expedient way. You can't turn the clock back, but you can make the future better for you and your children.

Society has nothing to do with this. But that is just a side comment.
You need to take back your life and not make an even worse mistake by marrying this guy. And certainly - do not buy a property with him.
You should have kicked him out once he started being nasty to your son.

He ‘won’t go easy’ ? He will. Given that he never lived with any of his children - he isn’t a sort of father who fights to be in a relationship with a mother of his children.

Do you know what is more hated than single mothers? Women who stay with men that are horrible to their other kids.
You've clearly made several poor choices OP, now start making good ones and leave this lying fool. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your eldest who deserves a lot better than this mess.

You picked a lying twat and fell pregnant very quickly before you really knew who he was.

The mortgage being refused is the universe screaming out to you that you need to get out asap.

Please even if you don’t do it for yourself, put your poor son first before the damage is irreversible.

And I’ve been single a few years now and never ever felt any pressure from society. It’s far far better to be single than to be with a knobhead just for the sake of having any old man.

Be kind yourself OP, just because you made a mistake you don’t need to punish yourself for life. It is going to be hard to get out now, it will be even harder to get out later, if you throw in assets and marriage.

Thinking forward, his debts are may cause you and your children financial difficulties. The man is not worth your current or future difficulties.

Show your son what a good husband and father should be. And what is not unacceptable. Like someone said, no doubt your son is seeing and knows what’s going on. He needs to see you respecting yourself.

You made your bed so lay in harsh bit true.
You knew this about him but went on to have a baby with him more fool you.
However you have a choice keep laying in that bed or kick him out.

What is your living situation like? Do you own or rent?

You are mature and your first is more independent now.
I assume in your 40s you have a half decent career.
This will not be as difficult as the first time around.

It’s crap and you obviously shouldn’t have rushed into things/had a baby etc but you have and so you’re just going to have to be a single parent again.

Being a single parent is easier than being in a bad relationship.
You have already done it once and so this time around should be way easier.

I applaud you for making this thread though.

You aren’t the first women on here or in RL who’ve gotten to their late 30s/40s and have a whirlwind romance and try and trap the man by having a baby, only to realise what a mistake they’ve made a few months down the line.

I assume it’s some sort of midlife crisis.

Hopefully women reading this won’t make the same mistakes.

Your first point wanting to blame society for your choices, no that is on you own those choices and put the children first someone has too and no this is no where near as harsh as it should be bit stop blaming others for not knowing your own mind

Ugh. Get rid.

Your poor son, having all of your this inflicted on him at a vulnerable time in his life.

Wait so...he spent the first year accusing you of being a cheat and you moved in with him and had a child?

And he is horrible to your son and you think you should stay?

Sorry op, I'm gonna be harsh but pull your head out of the sand it's wedged in and take some grow up responsibility.

Get you and your son away from this horrible abusive man. Like, yesterday.

Being mature isn't about sticking out bad life choices. It's about realising your mistakes and not continuing to wallow in or repeat them.

Do the freedom program online so you don't date other abusers. Your son should perhaps do it too.

Wow - so this prince repeatedly lied to you, you still don’t actually know how many children he has, he pretty much accused you of cheating and he emotionally abused your son and yet you still chose to get pregnant and engaged to him.

WTF would he have to do to make you wake up and smell the coffee?

Take some responsibility for your part in this mess and stop blaming society. I actually think most people would judge you more harshly for your current situation than being single.

And no I don’t believe society does judge single people at all. I’ve certainly not felt judged by anyone that matters

OP, it's 2024, not the 1950s.
This is not how society sees single mothers, this is how YOU se single mothers.

In my opinion its always better to be single than with a partner that makes your life worse.
Protect your son, this man doesn't love your son.
He love bombed you, and now he's showing his true colours because he's trapped you with a baby and you suspect he won't leave easily, probably because he has financial problems.

Obviously you need to dump him.

But

I hate society for making single women feel as though they have no value and are undeserving of respect and as though having a man is like sitting on a cloud in heaven.

this is on you.

I'm engaged and in a relationship of 3 years so far and was mostly single for a long time beforehand.

I never felt the way you described. I loved being single. I was confident and capable and that's how most other people saw me too.

I sometimes feel I've let myself down by being in a relationship though! (Not because of him - he's great - but because I feel I've lost something of myself in no longer being single).

Ahh, this is so lovely! Thanks so much!

Be thankful you found out before you took on a mortgage together.
If you have a joint bank account, go into the bank and freeze the account ask them to remove your name. Disassociate yourself from him financially.
If you rent Ask him to leave. If he won't leave give notice explain the situation to the landlord and make a fresh start elsewhere.
You have been conned and gas lit.

Lie after lie, financial issues, irrational jealousy, fathering children but not sticking around, disliking towards your son...there's so many bad things here.

Your son is a teenager and needs more sleep than an adult does. I rarely sleep naturally until 10am now, but when I was a teenager I used to easily sleep until 10am, sometimes a bit later on the weekend. He's jealous and resentful towards your son.

When I find out the truth, he gaslights me and tells me all along he told the truth in the beginning and that I got it wrong

It's just another lie. He thinks he can rewrite reality by saying something is so, and now the reality he'll write is that you're the manipulative one when he is. Next you'll be crazy. He's pathetic OP.

This man is not on your side. If you can be financially independent, then I'm not sure if it's beneficial to stay with him. The very basics of a relationship, even a friendship (trust) isn't there.

Don't leave, get him to leave. pack his bags and tell him he has to go. It's your home!

Are you scared of him or his reactions at all, OP?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Have you heard of sunken costs? Please don't feel you have to justify your earlier decisions by staying with this person. You are not trapped and you deserve to be happy. Put your needs first.

That’s your experience and that’s good for you that you never that way. In my community and in my culture and across social media, that’s the way I feel from personal experience. It doesn’t make me wrong for doing so. Of course, 3 years is not as long as I had been single. No real comparison there. But thanks for posting.

I rent a property in my own name.
Thanks for the initial advice but I definitely did NOT try to trap him by having a baby only to regret it later.

.

Thank you for providing practical questions…
I rent in my name where most bills are in my name but the electric and broadband are in his name. He works and contributes to half of everything.
It does provide more clarity. Thank you.

You've got to escape this for the sake of all the children. Part of you is not fully owning some of your choices here. It's ok to be fully accountable for your choices whilst recognising you are at the same time a victim of emotional abuse.

You will never forgive yourself for the devastating impact this will have on your teenage son at some point. He already knows the man wants him gone; this u guarantee. He will completely mess up your shared child. You will then see that being a single mum is much safer and can lead to true contentment in comparison.

You need to plan and prepare carefully though, which you know. You need financial security. I'd seek advice from Woman's Aid. He may become very problematic over access arrangements.

Please stay single for the foreseeable OP It really is the better option now with 2 kids and ex's. It rarely is a fairytale bringing a man in where there are kids who aren't his. There is also work for you to do here on you and what you expect in a relationship. It's safer for you to stay away from men for now. Bad men are magnets to vulnerable women. They sense it almost immediately. I have felt much safer being without one.
It doesn't have to be forever OP Just until your kids are much more independent.

@Pantaloons99 do you mean that bad men sense vulnerability in (vulnerable) women almost immediately? How do they know?!