Help - how to manage anger at husband using escorts

[Myrighteyeball]

I found out this week that my husband has been using escorts for over a year. I've seen 10 or so text messages and he has admitted to doing it at least a dozen times. I think he's lying and he's been doing it for longer and more often. We have 2 children in their early to mid teens.

The marriage has been hard - he has real and serious issues with emotional vulnerability and physical intimacy which have affected me and the marriage. Also he was for many years quite lazy - I did almost all the physical work and all of the mental labour for about 17 years of our 27 year relationship, and also worked longer hours and earned more money for most of the relationship. Things were slowly getting better (due largely to my pushing and pushing him to learn to manage more household things, to get therapy and to improve our communication) but this revelation has put a stop to all that.

He has moved out at my request. We will divorce, although he is hopeful the marriage can be saved because he's 'very sorry'. I live in a 'no fault' jurisdiction so all that is required is 12 months separation. I want to keep things amicable if possible as we will have to deal with each other for the forseeable because of the children.

Until today I wasn't angry, I was just sad. Now I'm absolutely ropeable - unspeakably angry. I just want to punch things and hurt everyone. I won't of course but I'm struggling to stay on an even keel because I am so fucking angry.

Does anyone have useful suggestions for managing this anger? It's visceral, I just want to rip him apart. My eyes are watering with the effort of suppressing it. I know it will pass but I'm struggling to maintain my composure

Please help, I can't let this get the better of me but I'm just so angry.

Have you had an STI check?

Op I'm sorry you are going through this. Your husband has treated you all terribly. Would a session at the gym help get the anger out?? Hit the punchbag a few times x

Oh and the first night after I told him to leave and would not agree to him coming back home he threatened to kill himself. He had no intention of doing so (which he admitted to me and to the police - I called them because I was so worried and they turned up jsut before the children left for achool so that was super fun).

Yes, I did that Friday afternoon. It's Sunday night here so I expect I'll get the results tomorrow.

Can you go to the gym / go for a run? It might help.
Although I think it's totally natural to feel angry in your situation

Good idea, I'll try that tomorrow. I rage-gardened for a couple of hours today which was helpful but I didn't wear gloves and now my hands are full of splinters. Which is making me more angry.

I don’t think you particularly need to manage or reduce the anger OP.
Anger is a totally normal and valid reaction.

Oh I am so sorry to hear this. I feel rage on your behalf.
I would say don’t suppress it find away to safely express the anger.
collect all his stuff and chuck them into bin bags for him to collect.
write it all out ina letter and burn it.
buy a load of cheap crockery from a charity shop and smash it all into a box/with a hammer
(we have “rage rooms” in the uk where you can pay to knock down walls and smash stuff)
drive to the middle of nowhere and scream and shout.
Punch pillows
climb up a mountain
watch a sad film and let yourself cry.
get drunk with your closest friends who’ll let you express your hatred and agree with you but will also look after you.

he’s an absolute dick and he doesn’t deserve you or your love or your anger. He deserves nothing from you anymore. You are worth so much more.

good luck

I'll try tomorrow. It's late Sunday night here. Thanks. Some exercise is a good idea.

Write out exactly how you feel, that can help. Exercise - go for a run, get on an exercise bike or do an intense workout, that will help to channel your anger. You'll be OK!

Channel the anger towards getting the best divorce settlement for you and your children.

Yes, I'm on it. Appointment with a lawyer is booked, and for the last 3 years I've had quite a large cash lump sum set aside in case I needed it so I can fund a fight if I need to.

Use your anger, don’t let him walk over you for him wanting to save the marriage . He’s already thrown it away and showed you who he is and how much he respects you. Don’t accept any efforts of affection or similar from him.

Have you ever had a difficult boss/colleague/client?
Deal with him the same way, courteous, professional and business like.

Him- how are you darling/sweetheart/whatever he usually uses?

You - good/fine/very well thank you.

As a pp said, gym sessions could help

Thanks and yes this is what I'm doing. Not engaging except to plan or discuss what the children need, refusing to listen to begging or crying, short and clear unemotional responses. But I'm so angry today that it's been hard to do this with any equanimity - hence the post. I'm pretty clear-eyed about it all, I just wish I wasn't so angry right now because it's exhausting and makes it harder to deal with him.

Thanks for the kind words - and now I know there's a rage room near me! I'm going on Thursday to smash up a car with a sledgehammer. Thanks for the suggestion.

Take up a boxing exercise class. Imagine his face on the punch bag. I found it therapeutic anyway.

So sorry to hear this but you’ve done it, strong enough to finally tell him to leave for good.

Have you ever been a runner? Walker? I find a run/jog great to get frustrations out…….fresh air getting stronger every tough step forwards.

Good luck x

Be angry! Let it all out! Have a good cry! Anger room you say? Sounds like a fantastic way to let off steam!

Tell people - tell them everything - tell a good friend you are never going back there and make her job to support you and remind you of you ever slip!!

Batter your bedroom pillows or put on a free YouTube Boxercise class. With every punch and kick imagine the rancid fucker getting smaller and smaller and further and further away.

Yes. You will make him pay. That’s the most positive option for channeling these feelings tbh, because the outcome you are working towards is positive - as much of your ‘joint’ funds ending up with you, where they will be used for good, such as supporting your children and you.

Dont stuff it down and try and hide it. Can you find a moment when the dc are out to let yourself fully feel it. Let it work its way through your whole body and shout, scream, cry, hit the bed with a cricket bat etc.

Thanks everyone. It's getting late here so I'm going to try to sleep. Tomorrow is for a long walk, a gym session and taking a cricket bat to the mattress (genius - quiet and effective! It's school holidays here so I need something quietish). Thanks for all the good suggestions and encouragement- tomorrow is another day.

The anger is completely justified and you are better to let it out than squash it down. Repressed anger isn’t healthy.
You have some good suggestions here so I won’t repeat them. Just take good care of yourself and let it all out in whatever way helps.

Yes indeed I remember feeling that rage too after my husband fucked up our 20 year marriage. It's quite grim but you just have to work through it. It will eventually go and be replaced by calm.
Mind you 7 years on I absolutely refuse to see my exH or speak to him, the betrayal was quite appalling.

I had a pile of old saucers and plates, that I kept in the cupboard under the sink, to smash when it got too much. Just the fact that they were there, helped somehow, like I was acknowledging my own rage.