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Original poster

Help - how to manage anger at husband using escorts

64 replies

Myrighteyeball · 15/09/2024 12:39

I found out this week that my husband has been using escorts for over a year. I've seen 10 or so text messages and he has admitted to doing it at least a dozen times. I think he's lying and he's been doing it for longer and more often. We have 2 children in their early to mid teens.

The marriage has been hard - he has real and serious issues with emotional vulnerability and physical intimacy which have affected me and the marriage. Also he was for many years quite lazy - I did almost all the physical work and all of the mental labour for about 17 years of our 27 year relationship, and also worked longer hours and earned more money for most of the relationship. Things were slowly getting better (due largely to my pushing and pushing him to learn to manage more household things, to get therapy and to improve our communication) but this revelation has put a stop to all that.

He has moved out at my request. We will divorce, although he is hopeful the marriage can be saved because he's 'very sorry'. I live in a 'no fault' jurisdiction so all that is required is 12 months separation. I want to keep things amicable if possible as we will have to deal with each other for the forseeable because of the children.

Until today I wasn't angry, I was just sad. Now I'm absolutely ropeable - unspeakably angry. I just want to punch things and hurt everyone. I won't of course but I'm struggling to stay on an even keel because I am so fucking angry.

Does anyone have useful suggestions for managing this anger? It's visceral, I just want to rip him apart. My eyes are watering with the effort of suppressing it. I know it will pass but I'm struggling to maintain my composure

Please help, I can't let this get the better of me but I'm just so angry.

OP posts:
Clementine22 · 15/09/2024 13:54

Honestly I’d just allow yourself to be / feel angry but just don’t lash out at him or anyone else with it.

Its a huge betrayal, you’re hurt and so being angry is normal.

Can you take yourself away for a few days somewhere, to the beach or something? You need time to digest it. The anger will pass.

queenMab99 · 15/09/2024 13:55

After 30 years, I no longer get angry. I no longer have to see him as my surviving son, is now in his 40s, and although he still sees him, I have no need to. My others sons death, sort of prolonged the contact as we needed to consult over funeral arrangements etc. I had to nag him to pay his share, before the undertaker would release the ashes. I will never forgive him for that.
I was married to a mean dickhead for 22 years and didn't realise! It has been hard to forgive myself actually!

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 15/09/2024 14:23

Well done for knowing your worth and getting rid. You will go on a roller coaster of emotions. Anger is a part of the journey. The important thing is to embrace it but channel it in a healthy way. Lots of useful suggestions.

You said you found text messages. Are you telling me that this man was so sloppy that he didn't even delete the messages?

Mumofteenandtween · 15/09/2024 14:29

Clean the loo with his toothbrush.

AnotherEmma · 15/09/2024 14:43

Physical exercise - boxing-related a bonus
Punching and yelling into pillows
Write him an angry letter telling him exactly what you think of him, swear words and capitals etc (don't send it obviously)
Therapy (for yourself! Not couple's therapy)

I'm guessing that if you're still communicating with him that's probably a trigger for your anger? So would it be helpful to set boundaries around the communication ie minimal, for practical things only, maybe only by email and you filter the emails into a folder that you only look at when you choose, rather than being interrupted with calls or messages from him? Also in the longer run perhaps mediation so there is a neutral third party to help you talk to him. Otherwise I can well imagine wanting to punch him in the face every time.

As everyone has said, anger is a totally reasonable emotion, but I understand that you don't want to be in a constant state of fury!

SeatonCarew · 15/09/2024 14:55

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this OP. Your rage is entirely appropriate, none of this is your fault and you shouldn't have to be dealing with it. The only upside is that at least you now know exactly what a seedy, treacherous knob you are married to, and can take steps to change that.

You've had some suggestions as to how to deal with it. I have never had this issue, but I have had other justifiable cause to be absolutely furious within a relationship , and I know the rage you are referring to. There is nothing else like it, it is shocking. I just want to warn you it may well keep on cropping up at odd times for years, though it will get less frequent and diminish over time. You just have to go through it. You sound very self aware and smart, you'll be ok. x Sending you a handhold.

LifeExperience · 15/09/2024 15:04

I know exactly the anger you're feeling. I had it in exactly the same situation. I also had to wait and wonder for a few days for STI test results. My rage was so intense I was glad he wasn't around because I suddenly understood what a "crime of passion" was. I could easily have killed him.

The anger will abate over time, but it is justifiable right now. What he has done to you is unconscionable. Hang in there, OP. In time you will be fine. Just don't sharpen any kitchen knives until this is over.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 15/09/2024 15:07

Focus on your legal processes and get some therapy.

Original poster
Myrighteyeball · 15/09/2024 15:13

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 15/09/2024 14:23

Well done for knowing your worth and getting rid. You will go on a roller coaster of emotions. Anger is a part of the journey. The important thing is to embrace it but channel it in a healthy way. Lots of useful suggestions.

You said you found text messages. Are you telling me that this man was so sloppy that he didn't even delete the messages?

They were in the 'spam and blocked' folder as blocked contacts. There were just 2 days worth of messages from earlier this year (mind you, 10 messages from just 2 days in the same week, while he was travelling for work). I suspect their appearance might have been due to a provider glitch - ie he that he did delete but they reappeared/reloaded. There was a news story here about it - about a man who is suing the phone company because his wife saw the evidence of an affair in 'reappeared' texts and divorced him.

It was a total fluke that I saw them at all, I was using his phone because mine was dead and he got a 'spam blocked' notification. I always look at those on my phone and I clicked on it, only to see a bunch of requests for 'outcalls'. Gross.

OP posts:
PlumpCatIsBestCat · 15/09/2024 15:15

10 times?

olympicsrock · 15/09/2024 15:16

You are so justified to be livid! Use the anger to divorce him taking him for every penny , never let him in the house again and convince yourself that there is no coming back from this. The utter piece of shit . How fucking dare he do this!

Original poster
Myrighteyeball · 15/09/2024 15:17

LifeExperience · 15/09/2024 15:04

I know exactly the anger you're feeling. I had it in exactly the same situation. I also had to wait and wonder for a few days for STI test results. My rage was so intense I was glad he wasn't around because I suddenly understood what a "crime of passion" was. I could easily have killed him.

The anger will abate over time, but it is justifiable right now. What he has done to you is unconscionable. Hang in there, OP. In time you will be fine. Just don't sharpen any kitchen knives until this is over.

Ah, I'm so sorry it happened to you as well. It's utterly shit. And the indignity of having those tests is just demoralising.

OP posts:
PlumpCatIsBestCat · 15/09/2024 15:17

Sorry finger slipped. 10 times!? Not sure what the going rate for an escort is but even at £100 that's a lot of money that could have gone to the family that he pissed away.

I'd be so angry I'd see red.

Original poster
Myrighteyeball · 15/09/2024 15:22

PlumpCatIsBestCat · 15/09/2024 15:17

Sorry finger slipped. 10 times!? Not sure what the going rate for an escort is but even at £100 that's a lot of money that could have gone to the family that he pissed away.

I'd be so angry I'd see red.

There were 10 message from just 2 days, but they were outcall requests while he was in hotels for work. I can see that only a couple of the women responded to those requests and it looks like only one outcall actually eventuated from those requests. But even by his admission (which I don't think is complete) this has been going on for months. So yes, thousands of dollars.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myrighteyeball · 15/09/2024 15:25

PTSDBarbiegirl · 15/09/2024 15:07

Focus on your legal processes and get some therapy.

Yep, I have therapy lined up and am seeing a lawyer. I just need to work out how to manage the utter rage. But it sounds from pps like it is normal and will pass. So there's that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myrighteyeball · 15/09/2024 15:27

SeatonCarew · 15/09/2024 14:55

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this OP. Your rage is entirely appropriate, none of this is your fault and you shouldn't have to be dealing with it. The only upside is that at least you now know exactly what a seedy, treacherous knob you are married to, and can take steps to change that.

You've had some suggestions as to how to deal with it. I have never had this issue, but I have had other justifiable cause to be absolutely furious within a relationship , and I know the rage you are referring to. There is nothing else like it, it is shocking. I just want to warn you it may well keep on cropping up at odd times for years, though it will get less frequent and diminish over time. You just have to go through it. You sound very self aware and smart, you'll be ok. x Sending you a handhold.

Thank you for the warning, that is helpful to know. I'll talk to my psychologist about some strategies for managing it if it comes up unexpectedly later on. I just haven't been able to see her yet as this was all so sudden.

And I'm sorry you went through something similar. I hope you're through it now, and are OK.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myrighteyeball · 15/09/2024 15:29

queenMab99 · 15/09/2024 13:55

After 30 years, I no longer get angry. I no longer have to see him as my surviving son, is now in his 40s, and although he still sees him, I have no need to. My others sons death, sort of prolonged the contact as we needed to consult over funeral arrangements etc. I had to nag him to pay his share, before the undertaker would release the ashes. I will never forgive him for that.
I was married to a mean dickhead for 22 years and didn't realise! It has been hard to forgive myself actually!

I'm so sorry, that's horrendous. It's not your fault, and you didn't deserve that.

OP posts:
DoodlesMam · 15/09/2024 15:29

Myrighteyeball · 15/09/2024 12:39

I found out this week that my husband has been using escorts for over a year. I've seen 10 or so text messages and he has admitted to doing it at least a dozen times. I think he's lying and he's been doing it for longer and more often. We have 2 children in their early to mid teens.

The marriage has been hard - he has real and serious issues with emotional vulnerability and physical intimacy which have affected me and the marriage. Also he was for many years quite lazy - I did almost all the physical work and all of the mental labour for about 17 years of our 27 year relationship, and also worked longer hours and earned more money for most of the relationship. Things were slowly getting better (due largely to my pushing and pushing him to learn to manage more household things, to get therapy and to improve our communication) but this revelation has put a stop to all that.

He has moved out at my request. We will divorce, although he is hopeful the marriage can be saved because he's 'very sorry'. I live in a 'no fault' jurisdiction so all that is required is 12 months separation. I want to keep things amicable if possible as we will have to deal with each other for the forseeable because of the children.

Until today I wasn't angry, I was just sad. Now I'm absolutely ropeable - unspeakably angry. I just want to punch things and hurt everyone. I won't of course but I'm struggling to stay on an even keel because I am so fucking angry.

Does anyone have useful suggestions for managing this anger? It's visceral, I just want to rip him apart. My eyes are watering with the effort of suppressing it. I know it will pass but I'm struggling to maintain my composure

Please help, I can't let this get the better of me but I'm just so angry.

My dad did this to my mum and didn't leave him 'because what will people think'. I told her people would think she was sensible to leave a cheating dick head like my dad. Your 'husband's' mental health is not your responsiblity, its his. Your health and well being are yours. I can only suggest that the only option is divorce. You should be chucking him out and getting a divorce post haste. This is not marriage. You really deserve better. Sending a hug.

Original poster
Myrighteyeball · 15/09/2024 15:33

Clementine22 · 15/09/2024 13:54

Honestly I’d just allow yourself to be / feel angry but just don’t lash out at him or anyone else with it.

Its a huge betrayal, you’re hurt and so being angry is normal.

Can you take yourself away for a few days somewhere, to the beach or something? You need time to digest it. The anger will pass.

Thanks- I don't think I'll lash out (I'm keeping all communication short and matter of fact) it just feels very uncomfortable and I can't sleep properly which is making things hard as I'm in the midst of launching a business. It's good to know it will pass. I can't go away now as he's gone overseas for work (no doubt calling up an escort as I type this) and it's school holidays here, but once school is back I might be able to snatch a night or two away. A bit of time away sounds wonderful actually.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myrighteyeball · 15/09/2024 15:36

DoodlesMam · 15/09/2024 15:29

My dad did this to my mum and didn't leave him 'because what will people think'. I told her people would think she was sensible to leave a cheating dick head like my dad. Your 'husband's' mental health is not your responsiblity, its his. Your health and well being are yours. I can only suggest that the only option is divorce. You should be chucking him out and getting a divorce post haste. This is not marriage. You really deserve better. Sending a hug.

Show quote history

Thanks. He has moved out and I agree divorce is the only option yes. I'm sorry that happened to you - and to your mum. So many men are so fucking disappointing

OP posts:
Original poster
Myrighteyeball · 15/09/2024 15:44

Gettingbysomehow · 15/09/2024 13:39

Yes indeed I remember feeling that rage too after my husband fucked up our 20 year marriage. It's quite grim but you just have to work through it. It will eventually go and be replaced by calm.
Mind you 7 years on I absolutely refuse to see my exH or speak to him, the betrayal was quite appalling.

Good on you for standing your ground, and I'm sorry that happened. I'll have to see him going forward as we have children together, but I'm starting as I mean to go on and only communicating about the children and about planning/logistics. I'm ignoring his emotional outbursts as one might a toddler tantrum.

OP posts:
Colinfromaccounts · 15/09/2024 15:48

Scream into pillows. Then attack the bed with the pillows. Buy some cheap pillows and then attack them with a kitchen knife.

but also balance it out. Do some yoga. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel the pain and sadness that is always under the anger.

Original poster
Myrighteyeball · 15/09/2024 15:51

Argh. I finally fell asleep, but woke up after 20 minutes. Bloody insomnia.

OP posts:
sunflowersngunpowdr · 15/09/2024 15:56

Mumofteenandtween · 15/09/2024 14:29

Clean the loo with his toothbrush.

👆🏽👌🏽

landris · 15/09/2024 16:03

Wishing you srength OP, and channel that inner rage and focus it on getting rid of this bastard out of your life.
Flowers