Help - how to manage anger at husband using escorts

[Myrighteyeball]

I found out this week that my husband has been using escorts for over a year. I've seen 10 or so text messages and he has admitted to doing it at least a dozen times. I think he's lying and he's been doing it for longer and more often. We have 2 children in their early to mid teens.

The marriage has been hard - he has real and serious issues with emotional vulnerability and physical intimacy which have affected me and the marriage. Also he was for many years quite lazy - I did almost all the physical work and all of the mental labour for about 17 years of our 27 year relationship, and also worked longer hours and earned more money for most of the relationship. Things were slowly getting better (due largely to my pushing and pushing him to learn to manage more household things, to get therapy and to improve our communication) but this revelation has put a stop to all that.

He has moved out at my request. We will divorce, although he is hopeful the marriage can be saved because he's 'very sorry'. I live in a 'no fault' jurisdiction so all that is required is 12 months separation. I want to keep things amicable if possible as we will have to deal with each other for the forseeable because of the children.

Until today I wasn't angry, I was just sad. Now I'm absolutely ropeable - unspeakably angry. I just want to punch things and hurt everyone. I won't of course but I'm struggling to stay on an even keel because I am so fucking angry.

Does anyone have useful suggestions for managing this anger? It's visceral, I just want to rip him apart. My eyes are watering with the effort of suppressing it. I know it will pass but I'm struggling to maintain my composure

Please help, I can't let this get the better of me but I'm just so angry.

You will go through so many emotions, hatred will probably be next.
Once your through them all, you'll start all over again!
Each time you hit each one, it will get less and less...
You need to find a coping mechanism do when your hitting a new emotion, hit the gym, hit the tarmac for a run, or headphones on, get lost in music.

I wish you all the very best and hope you get through it without fault xx

@Myrighteyeball
It's almost Halloween!
Few Pumpkins 🎃 & a baseball bat - stress relief right there x

Rage room - great idea. Go somewhere isolated and scream, shout, rage. Get a punchbag and gloves. Run. Anger is physical, it needs to come out. Whatever you do, don't repress it or push it down or try not to be angry. Let it out.

Writing can also be helpful. Write about how you feel, be completely honest, and don't let anyone else see.

I've had some very good advice here, thanks all.

The universe works in mysterious ways. You were meant to read those messages. Brilliant!

Absolutely this

Heh. My resolution is to do nothing to harm (because we will be in each others' lives in some way forever as we have children together) AND also to do nothing to help or to comfort him (as I'm no longer responsible for his feelings). So I won't use his toothbrush to brush the loo - but if someone else did it I'd be secretly a bit delighted...

I'm going on Thursday to smash up a car with a sledgehammer

Op, you are a legend. Both for your response in getting rid of him (even in this forum you can see how many women don't get rid) and for this.

I was going to suggest boxing or martial art. Would have the added advantage of a new hobby.

I would also be aware that every bit of aggression and every "high" may be matched by a low as you process this massive blow and change to your life.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry that this is how it ends.

I would write a letter to him that you don't send, expressing the hurt and pain that's behind the anger. You could then use it to help you if you start to feel sorry for him in a year's time before you sign the financial agreement!

Anger is expected and normal

find an appropriate outlet ( exercise is good)
but my advice would be to channel it then let it go. Holding onto it long term hurts yourself not him. Don’t allow yourself to become bitter and affect your life

sounds like the whole marriage has been hard work and you have not had much given back to you. to make him realise he has to pull his weight around the home and do some actual work plus you not getting much in the way of physical intimacy makes it sound a very lonely one way street. he has had it all his own way for far too long and then he goes and does this to you. seems like he is not a very nice person and as he has gone I would make him stay gone build the life you deserve. as others have said get yourself checked too no telling what else he has been up to

Thanks, this is really good advice - holding into it is a definite risk for me. I have an excellent psychologist and I'll talk to her about some strategies for letting go of the anger.

I’m free on Thursday. 😉

That made me properly smile, thanks for the solidarity.