Excluded a lot within group activities

[ELRainbow]

Please may you give me your opinion on this situation as I'm getting very tired and depressed about this: (also feel like maybe I'm wrong)

Recently for the longest time I've noticed people I'm all friends with and some I'm really close with Go out and do activities together as a big group. These activities is what I have done before with variety of these people together however recently I'm NEVER ASKED and it's just randomly stopped... it's like a common theme. I find out plans through listening to a convo when I'm around or see it on social media.. it's very upsetting

I have communicated my feelings so much and asked why am I not invited when these plans are made like everyone else to be told... one of the reasons was because i don't plan stuff myself (keep in mind i never really have to begin with as it's not my cup of tea but I started to anyways whenever i had the confidence or feel comfortable doing so plus i did before here and there) and then when the same behaviour happened again even though i have actively went out of my comfort zone with trying to organise stuff & ask people to come (majority said no anyways) I still don't get invited to these group activities. Next reason I was told when I opened up again, was "different friend groups" but how does that make sense when I've been out with those group of people numerous times before? And I was asked before like I don't get the random switch up (please keep in mind I've done nothing. I'm always checking in and super nice lol)

I have opened up with other people within the group. If they're okay with me because I literally spiral because the sudden change of behaviour doesn't make sense to me. Like some people who use to pop up and care about my wellbeing just randomly stopped? To where they have apologised and reassured me but still the same behaviour happens? Like I genuinely feel like an outcast

I just want to have fun with friends and be included if there is a group thing going on. I don't know why it's so hard. Would completely get it if I didn't know a handful of people going but that's not the case.

What should I do.. am I wrong for being upset.. I'm losing my mind and honestly it just makes my social anxiety worse (I have bad social anxiety which everyone is aware of)

I think your ‘friends’ are not good friends to you. They know their behaviour is upsetting you, and continue anyway.

I’d ‘let them’. Let them carry on with their meet-ups without you. Let them leave you out. Let them go.

Stop chewing yourself up over these people, and find some things you enjoy doing for yourself. Is there a hobby you’d like to try? Find a group in your area, and go along. Focus on the hobby, and on your own happiness, and you might find a new friend or two along the way.

Don’t base your happiness on people who treat you like this. There’s nothing lonelier than a bad relationship. Become a good friend to yourself, and you might find you attract new, and better, friends.

Hi elrainbow

I'm so sorry to hear this, you sound very upset which is understandable. I'm sorrier to say I don't think these people are your friends. Deliberately excluding you is a form of bullying and it's nasty and cruel. They clearly are doing it deliberately as you've tried to address it with them many times. If it was an innocent mistake, any decent friends would be mortified and apologetic. It says a lot that these people don't even apologise.

I would cut your losses and ghost them. Try to make new friends, although I know it's easier said than done but I'd rather have no friends at all than be repeatedly hurt and upset by the ones I do have. Hope you're feeling better soon 💖

I have been doing what you have suggested thank you. I have many hobbies I just sadly care a lot about people and when I notice a change it affects me. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

When I've communicated stuff like the convos just doesn't really go any further than I'm basically blowing it out of proportion, am I?

Am I blowing it out of proportion though? Like am I wrong for feeling the way I do. Like it's not normal right the switch up in behaviour?

No you're not blowing it out of proportion. They are hurting you deliberately. They sound like nasty bullies. Please try to stop caring about them as they're not worth your feelings and emotions. I understand where you're coming from as I also feel deeply. But I've learnt to keep away from people who deliver hurt and gaslight me. They've chosen to treat you badly and rather than admit their cruelty, they're gaslighting you.

These people are disgusting and disturbing. Please drop them for your own sake.

That should be deliberately hurt, not deliver 🙄

Your feelings are your feelings. You have every right to feel the way you do. You don’t need validation from anyone.

For what it’s worth, I’d be sad and angry at this treatment, too, and have been in the past.

Never make a priority of anyone who treats you as an option.

Thank you for this. I'm just trying to get peoples opinions to try understand what I've been told because my personality I couldn't do this to someone you know & those friends they were amazing friends before so it's just hard & confusing

Could there possibly be any explanations for this behaviour

I'm honestly waiting for CBT as my brain doesn't do well with these situations

I feel for you. No, you’re not blowing anything out of proportion. That’s something people say to someone they’ve hurt, in order to minimise their own behaviour and destabilise the person on the receiving end.

Good luck with the CBT. It’ll be helpful.

This ^
You sound very apologetic and beaten down. You need new friends.💝

I asked for a friend's opinion within the group about the situation and they were the ones who said I'm blowing it out of proportion so I genuinely keep thinking I am. But deep down, I know like friends don't do this esp when some are aware with how I feel and just want to be included when possible. It's VERY confusing and I don't get it & I just want to not get upset by this when it happens etc

Perhaps there is something you do or something about you that is irritating them?

it’s not bullying to stop including someone who is not gelling with the group anymore for some reason surely? We don’t have to be friends with same people forever but they could tell you what the problem is as they’re obviously not being honest about that (some naive attempt to protect your feelings most likely).

In any case I think you need to let it go and move on and perhaps once the dust has settled in a few months ask someone for some honest feedback so that you can work on the issue and avoid it ruining friendships again

This is where my brain goes. I honestly haven't done anything but I have openly asked all the things you have questioned where I've been reassured and that I'm overthinking. It's very very confusing.

I think it's the social anxiety. Sorry. I have Generalised Anxiety and Social Anxiety and I'm always excluded/ignored/overlooked. I've been left off wedding invitations when the rest of the family have been included and I'm frequently the only person to not be told about an event. On my little street there are 7 women in the same age group, myself included, we are all on first name terms and have lived here a long time. The other 6 regularly go out for walks together in pairs or as a bigger group but I've never been included. When one of them had a big party for a milestone birthday half the street went but I wasn't invited.

I'm not sure if people assume that because I'm socially anxious I won't want to be included or attend something or if it's that they find me awkward to be around. I do suspect the latter. Either way, I'm used to it and it no longer upsets me. I just do my own thing.

I'm sorry you are hurting but I have no constructive advice because I've been in the same situation for most of my life. All I can say is that it's the anxiety being misunderstood and it doesn't reflect on you as a person.

I hope the CBT will be helpful. Talking it through with a therapist can be good. I also find that journaling is useful because it gives a place to vent and analyse your feelings in private.

But also to add, I gel with them fine as I've been out with them all before a lot and I haven't changed. Only thing that has changed is me being sad due to a switch up 😭

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this behaviour because that's not nice? Just because sadly we have anxiety shouldn't exclude you etc. exposure to like events and going out helps overcome the anxiety so it's very confusing to me & if I'm not being asked due to my anxiety I think that's so messed up

I'm very vocal about my anxiety and have voiced going out more and doing events helps a lot etc

have opened up with other people within the group. If they're okay with me because I literally spiral because the sudden change of behaviour doesn't make sense to me. Like some people who use to pop up and care about my wellbeing just randomly stopped?
The only thing I can think of, and correct me if wrong!! Is re the 'spiralling and well being concern' do you just mean on this occasion or do you seek lots of general reassurance etc?

So there are many many possible explanations...too many and you are too vague for proper tailored advice.

Firstly, you've joined these groups at later stages and are missing out on group dynamics which are multilayered so while some core groups will do things with the bigger groups they still arrange things just with the core groups because that's the real original friends group. It's nothing to do with you they just like doing stuff on their own.

Alternatively, and I'm sorry for saying this but it may be you are doing something which they find irritating. You are maybe too needy or demanding or manipulative... who knows, impossible to say. Maybe you are relentlessly positive or negative. Maybe you eat with your mouth open or chew loudly or tap your feet and drum your fingers incessantly. Whatever it is nobody is likely to tell you, it's one of those things you have to figure out yourself.

And maybe they are trying to tell you that they don't really want you involved in their group and you aren't picking up on it.

Or maybe they are a bunch of assholes.... Certainly know some big groups of friends who are largely assholes.

I know that I've missed people out from certain things because they just ruin the vibe... Like there's someone who can't just relax and enjoy the day as it unfolds but always has to be "organising" activities. And another who you have to carry emotionally and who will be ..oh no I'm not drinking this week or I'm not eating dairy or whatever - just hard work. If people are spending cash and using their holidays to go do an activity they don't want it ruined by someone who just doesn't "get it" whatever "it" is.

And I know that I will definitely be left off other people's groups for other reasons...too opinionated, too talkative... And I like those traits so I don't care if people don't like them too I just accept I'm not everyone's cup of tea. And tbf, don't want to be in a group where people don't like me or find me irritating.

Your question is all too vague... What are the groups... Friend groups from uni/running club/ work..i mean all of these groups have their own dynamics and social rules.

This is one of those situations when actions speak louder than words. They don’t want to include you but they don’t want to say so. They might be trying to spare your feelings because the reason is unlikely to be pleasant to hear or they are saving themselves from an uncomfortable conversation.

If you’ve been left out consistently for some time then, deep down, you know you are no longer on the same footing with that group. Having them, or anyone here explain why that is so won’t change anything. Some friendships just run their course and end without there being a specific reason. It’s sad when that happens before someone is ready to let it go, but for your own peace of mind I think that’s what you need to do. Concentrate on the people who value their friendship with you.

I only seek reassurance and communication if a same behaviour I have voiced hurts my feelings keeps happening over and over

Because surely once you bring it to attention once, you don't repeat it etc

Is it all the groups or just one group?

Majority

I have found that 'groups' don't particularly work for me. I was bullied at school and in one of my very first jobs I was (or felt) excluded by an awful woman. I hadn't realised the effect of these situations on me as a whole until I reached my fifties.

My friendships have always been individuals as opposed to a group of friends. I think (without knowing it then ) I was conscious of being excluded due to my past. I have joined Meetup groups over the last 6 years, social not hobbies. I have noticed that though I get on with everyone, I'm not the 'popular' one. One group especially have an 'inner' circle who go on trips together and only those members (bar 1 or 2 newbies that pass the test🙄) are asked to join them. They are all very pleasant and don't exclude anyone in the group socials, they just have their own very tight knit thing going on on the outside.

Because of my bullied/excluded past I am super aware of this behaviour and feeling left out, it hurts a lot, but I have a few friends who are my actual friends and not associated with any groups, that suits me better.

I personally think I'm great fun, sociable, easygoing and all those things you associate with being liked and fitting in. I've also been a huge people pleaser (getting better) and realise that does not do you any favours.

If you truly cannot get to the bottom of it then I would look elsewhere/other groups. Sometimes group dynamics dictate and you're never going to change that!

My late Mum who joined a bowls club in her 70s/80s told me this behaviour was rife in their club, and these were predominantly elderly people!! I thought it stopped at a certain age, it doesn't, people are people🤷🏻‍♀️

Good luck OP, I hope you get sorted🙏🏼

I've just seen it's most groups OP, so maybe there is something you are giving off? I think you need someone to be straight with you, which is hard for most people to do isn't it?

I'm very vocal about my anxiety and have voiced going out more and doing events helps a lot etc

I wonder if this could be the problem OP. Without meaning to you may have made people uncomfortable and behaved in a way which is out of step with the expectations of the group.

Personally I keep this sort of thing to myself, unless I'm with a very, very good friend in a one to one situation. Group friendships are typically much lighter and focused on having fun. I wonder if by talking about your social struggles you have come across as a little intense, and perhaps a bit awkward.