Excluded a lot within group activities

[ELRainbow]

Please may you give me your opinion on this situation as I'm getting very tired and depressed about this: (also feel like maybe I'm wrong)

Recently for the longest time I've noticed people I'm all friends with and some I'm really close with Go out and do activities together as a big group. These activities is what I have done before with variety of these people together however recently I'm NEVER ASKED and it's just randomly stopped... it's like a common theme. I find out plans through listening to a convo when I'm around or see it on social media.. it's very upsetting

I have communicated my feelings so much and asked why am I not invited when these plans are made like everyone else to be told... one of the reasons was because i don't plan stuff myself (keep in mind i never really have to begin with as it's not my cup of tea but I started to anyways whenever i had the confidence or feel comfortable doing so plus i did before here and there) and then when the same behaviour happened again even though i have actively went out of my comfort zone with trying to organise stuff & ask people to come (majority said no anyways) I still don't get invited to these group activities. Next reason I was told when I opened up again, was "different friend groups" but how does that make sense when I've been out with those group of people numerous times before? And I was asked before like I don't get the random switch up (please keep in mind I've done nothing. I'm always checking in and super nice lol)

I have opened up with other people within the group. If they're okay with me because I literally spiral because the sudden change of behaviour doesn't make sense to me. Like some people who use to pop up and care about my wellbeing just randomly stopped? To where they have apologised and reassured me but still the same behaviour happens? Like I genuinely feel like an outcast

I just want to have fun with friends and be included if there is a group thing going on. I don't know why it's so hard. Would completely get it if I didn't know a handful of people going but that's not the case.

What should I do.. am I wrong for being upset.. I'm losing my mind and honestly it just makes my social anxiety worse (I have bad social anxiety which everyone is aware of)

I find this so confusing if this was the case. I feel like being open when there is an issue or you're upset to people you're close to for it to then turn awkward is just idk doesn't make sense

Being open is fine and actually healthy but context is important here. For example- in a chat with a close friend over coffee - totally appropriate. In a group setting whilst doing an activity and people are distracted - it just wont work, People dont have the headspace or the bandwidth to deal with this in a group when they are distracted or have their own problems. Also, how frequently are you talking about this? if its regularly, and you are becoming a bit paranoid about people not liking you then seeking assurance often can get irritating. I dont mean that harshly, but its because not everything is about you, people themselves have bad days or personal concerns that are likely nothing whatsoever to do with you so if you are assuming constantly that its about you when it really isnt, people will get really fed up with having to constantly deal with it.

Of course, it's also possible they just arent very nice people at all in which case you should seek out new friends. But it might be worth reflecting on how often you are expressing your open feelings (because you said you do it "so much") and if you also give support to others. Reciprocity is also very important in friendships.

I’m sorry for you too. I’ve also been at the receiving end of this and I can’t forget it, even though it’s been years since.

is it possible that not all your friends grounded like this and maybe just 2-3 of them? And the rest are silently complicit so even though they’re not entirely comfortable with excluding one person they don’t want to rock the boat or stand up for you? In which case, it’s more about them being wuss about it rather than it being the case of all your friends excluding you?

I agree - and I sympathise, I’ve often felt the same 💐

I think this is fair.

Bluntly, OP, if this is happening a lot in unrelated groups, it’s something you are doing (unless you are, consciously or unconsciously, choosing to populate your life with people who are actively unpleasant, in which case you have questions to ask yourself about why), and it’s likely to be most productive, if challenging, for you to reflect on what that might be. Your own behaviour and expectations are all you can ultimately control.

I also think you’re putting a lot of pressure on the people you term your ‘best friends’ within the group/s, if you are continually talking to them about feeling excluded, and expecting them to liaise with others in the group to provide reassurance or feedback. These ‘best friends’ may be very fond of you individually, but it’s unfair to put them in the position of being your social sponsor in a large group, especially if you expect them to insist you’re included in all activities against the general wish. It’s not a large group of people’s job to help you with your anxiety by inviting you out. Work on yourself first. That’s within your control.

I’m also very struck by you saying that you only

seek reassurance and communication if a same behaviour I have voiced hurts my feelings keeps happening over and over because surely once you bring it to attention once you don’t repeat it etc

Respectfully, that’s a bit mad. The idea that you say ‘that hurts my feelings’ and suddenly a large group of people you don’t know well scramble to prioritise your feelings over their own wishes is not really how social lives work. Sure, with a small group, all of whom have close, longterm friendships with you, but not in looser large groups.

Maybe focus on just seeing closer friends in small groups for now and work on your anxiety? It can be very draining to be around. A friend of a friend is professionally kick-ass but very anxious socially, and she has a terrible habit of phoning after an event to ask whether she ‘said anything to annoy you last night’. Every time. Because every time she’s imagined she’s seen a look of irritation or something. On the face of literally everyone who was there. My friend, who is a close friend of hers, tolerates it because they’ve been close for 22 years, but people for whom she’s someone they see socially just get annoyed.

@rosaleetree hits the nail on the head.

As a socially anxious/probable neurodiverse person myself, I can truthfully say that we can sometimes come across as self-obsessed and a bit paranoid. Sorry if that sounds nasty and I fully expect I'll get kicked in the head for saying it... However, I suspect the OP is a lot younger than me, I'm an old crone and you do begin to see the impact that your own anxiety can have on those around you.

I had three courses of CBT before I eventually saw a different therapist who helped me to develop a lot more self awareness. I started journalling and then began to see that my problem with people, and primarily with maintaining friendships, was down to my anxiety insofar as I expected others to acknowledge and understand my issues. I had a bad habit of trying to explain myself all the time, to almost excuse my personality quirks and this, I now see, can become tedious in social situations.

Now I'm a lot quieter and calmer, I no longer feel the need to explain myself so much. Looking back I can see that, at times, I tried too hard to fit in with my peers and to be accepted. Now I'm fine about it. But it takes a lot of self analysis to get to this point. I do think CBT and/or counselling may help the OP.

Good post, @AubrieDog.

I often say it on here that, unfortunately, anxiety about how you’re coming across on social situations came often come across as arrogance/self-absorption/lack of engagement with the other person.

Because the other person isn’t psychic, and can’t necessarily tell the difference between

(1) someone who isn’t listening because they’re uninterested and just waiting for a break in the conversation where they can tell their well-honed story about the time they went skinny-dipping in Marbs

and

(2) someone who isn’t listening because they’re terrified and shy and can’t think about anything other than ‘What am I going to say next? How am I coming across? Am I boring her?’

The effect in both cases is the same. You’re not engaged because you’re thinking about yourself rather than the other person, which shows.

This is very true. Infact I've seen it mostly due to their own anxiety with women, with men it's mostly due to them being self absorbed 😆 Either way I always point it out to them.

*seek reassurance and communication if a same behaviour I have voiced hurts my feelings keeps happening over and over because surely once you bring it to attention once you don’t repeat it etc
Respectfully, that’s a bit mad. The idea that you say ‘that hurts my feelings’ and suddenly a large group of people you don’t know well scramble to prioritise your feelings over their own wishes is not really how social lives work. Sure, with a small group, all of whom have close, longterm friendships with you, but not in looser large groups

Yeah I do agree. Its also how you express it.

Eg. "hey guys, that day trip you took last week sounded amazing- I'd love to go with you next time you do it, do let me know when you're doing it again, I'd love to join you"

VS

"I'm so upset that I wasnt invited last week. It has really hurt my feelings. Have I done anything to upset anyone? I've been thinking about this a lot and I feel really upset by it, is anyone annoyed with me?"

The first one is positive and relaxed, the second one sounds negative, a bit pressured and will put people on the defensive because you are implying that they are responsible for your feelings. If you have done this more than once then honestly, you have your answer. People will feel like they are treading on eggshells around you if you are regularly telling them they have hurt your feelings. I am not saying you shouldn't be honest with people if they have deliberately hurt you but if someone told me regularly that I had hurt their feelings when I had done something completely unintentional like meeting up with friends, then it would make me want to distance myself from them. The reason for that is because I would feel like I was constantly being scolded and pressured and it would make me feel a bit paranoid around them that whatever I said/did would be taken as some kind of personal slight. I'd feel very inhibited and sensitive around them.

Think about how you would feel if someone often told you that you had hurt their feelings - how would that make you feel? Would it encourage you to spend more time with them or would it make you feel a bit on edge about what you said/did?

This is a very good post.

We have a large friendship group that 15 years ago used to all do things together.

Smaller sub groups have now split off and do things, not everyone is invited to everything.

The mums tend to all do daytime mum things. The childfree folks tend to go to the pub after work more. At a big event everyone will see each other, but naturally people do things with those they have more in common with. I don't get invited to the hiking and camping weekend because I've been before and didn't enjoy it! That's fine.

If I'm arranging something with just a few people for a casual pub evening I must admit there's a couple of people I wouldn't specifically choose to go out with. One always complains in pubs and restaurants and sends food back and always has a problem, and kills the vibe. Another seems to talk of nothing but her vegan lifestyle, monologues non stop about it, and constantly turns the conversation back to herself.

Just some examples.