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Original poster

How often is normal?

66 replies

ThirtySomethingDad · 14/09/2024 13:29

Is my situation a normal one? How often do you think is "normal" to have sex?

Me and my partner are in our late 30s. We have 2 kids around 10 years old and have been together almost 15 years.

To me, our sex life seems almost nonexistent. It happens maybe once every 6 weeks. Now and again, it might happen 3 weeks apart. She kept telling me I was exaggerating, so rather than feel gaslit, I kept count for a year. The total was 13.

I work full time and have a successful career, so I take on the pressure of funding our entire lifestyle, from mortgage, to car to utility bills to holidays and weekend activities. We live quite comfortably and money is never in short supply.

I don't shirk my household duties. I do my share to get the kids ready in the mornings, do school runs, I'm the cook of the house, I clean the kitchen as I go, do the dishes, do most of the ironing. I also make sure my partner gets a lie in every Saturday - she gets up with the kids on a Sunday.

I also spend at least an hour a day, 6 days a week, at the gym to stay healthy for my family and in good shape for my partner.

Is there something I'm missing? Am I not doing something I should be? Am I expecting more than I should with our sex life?

OP posts:
category12 · 14/09/2024 13:39

What's the rest of your relationship like?

Do you spend time together as a couple? Do you have fun together, are you affectionate with each other outside of the bedroom?

Do you make time for each other, do you flirt, make each other feel good/interesting/sexy?

Does your partner get as much time to herself as you do with your daily gyming? Does she feel happy in herself?

Honest00lad · 14/09/2024 13:48

ThirtySomethingDad · 14/09/2024 13:29

Is my situation a normal one? How often do you think is "normal" to have sex?

Me and my partner are in our late 30s. We have 2 kids around 10 years old and have been together almost 15 years.

To me, our sex life seems almost nonexistent. It happens maybe once every 6 weeks. Now and again, it might happen 3 weeks apart. She kept telling me I was exaggerating, so rather than feel gaslit, I kept count for a year. The total was 13.

I work full time and have a successful career, so I take on the pressure of funding our entire lifestyle, from mortgage, to car to utility bills to holidays and weekend activities. We live quite comfortably and money is never in short supply.

I don't shirk my household duties. I do my share to get the kids ready in the mornings, do school runs, I'm the cook of the house, I clean the kitchen as I go, do the dishes, do most of the ironing. I also make sure my partner gets a lie in every Saturday - she gets up with the kids on a Sunday.

I also spend at least an hour a day, 6 days a week, at the gym to stay healthy for my family and in good shape for my partner.

Is there something I'm missing? Am I not doing something I should be? Am I expecting more than I should with our sex life?

You've been with her for 15 years. It's not new or exciting. Are you as arsed as you were? Was she ever up for it a lot more regularly? I'm in same position and my appetite with her has dwindled. A new woman would reignite it but I don't want to ruin my life by going down that route.

I just think it fades in time. It's just a combination of the length of time you have been together and getting older. There's the odd couple that will be the exceptions, but I don't think your situation is anything unusual.

Sugarcoldturkey · 14/09/2024 13:50

Does it matter if it's normal? The main thing is you don't sound happy. Have you sat down with your wife from that angle? "I'm not happy, I would like for us to make some changes in our lives". Focusing only on numbers isn't helpful imo.

If my partner told me they weren't happy then I'd try to explore that with them and find some way through where we both get what we want. Is it that you'd like more physical affection generally? Do you kiss and cuddle? Do you talk to each other as partners and not just as co-parents?

I'm assuming you want her to want you, not just to have more sex to keep you happy. Be sure to keep that clear as your end goal and not just having sex X times per week.

Bushyvag · 14/09/2024 13:51

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Tomorrowisyesterday · 14/09/2024 13:53

It wouldn't occur to me that dh going to the gym so often was something "for me". So that would be more likely to annoy me than anything! Can you talk about it again, with as little pressure as possible. Do you go out together or do anything fun that makes her laugh and not be thinking about the kids all the time.
we've had barren periods in our marriage, young kids being a big part of it, but in our 50s now once a week would be our norm.

Original poster
ThirtySomethingDad · 14/09/2024 13:55

category12 · 14/09/2024 13:39

What's the rest of your relationship like?

Do you spend time together as a couple? Do you have fun together, are you affectionate with each other outside of the bedroom?

Do you make time for each other, do you flirt, make each other feel good/interesting/sexy?

Does your partner get as much time to herself as you do with your daily gyming? Does she feel happy in herself?

I think we make as much time for each other as our situation allows. We don't have a big support network around us. I'm able to compress my hours in a way that means I get a Friday off every fortnight though so we have a day for us. I come home with flowers every couple of weeks etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirtySomethingDad · 14/09/2024 13:57

Honest00lad · 14/09/2024 13:48

You've been with her for 15 years. It's not new or exciting. Are you as arsed as you were? Was she ever up for it a lot more regularly? I'm in same position and my appetite with her has dwindled. A new woman would reignite it but I don't want to ruin my life by going down that route.

I just think it fades in time. It's just a combination of the length of time you have been together and getting older. There's the odd couple that will be the exceptions, but I don't think your situation is anything unusual.

Show quote history

I'm still interested. I don't make a move as often as I used to because it was hammering my self esteem to be rejected so much

OP posts:
Tomorrowisyesterday · 14/09/2024 13:58

Is it fulfilling for her when it does happen? If she's not having a good time it won't encourage her libido

BobbyBiscuits · 14/09/2024 13:58

'your household duties..keeping in shape for your partner'. Sorry, this sounds beyond my attitude towards relationships.
You've clearly a higher sex drive than him. The amount of cleaning or gym attendance you adhere to doesn't have anything to do with how likely he is to want to sleep with you. Of it does then he's a dickhead.
I hope you can encourage him into more frequency, but being pressured into sex is not a nice feeling.
You deserve to be happy though, so if this part is a deal breaker and won't improve then I guess think hard about the relationship.

Honest00lad · 14/09/2024 14:04

ThirtySomethingDad · 14/09/2024 13:57

I'm still interested. I don't make a move as often as I used to because it was hammering my self esteem to be rejected so much

Show quote history

It's good that you are still interested in her. The rejection isn't a reflection of you not being attractive mate.

Though it would be better if both of you weren't interested, or both of you still were.

I think that's why relationship is now working well, we're both not interested.

Tomorrowisyesterday · 14/09/2024 14:08

Honestly, things ebb and flow and if you're committed and have children together you shouldn't break up over this.
It's tricky as anything you say can be perceived as pressure which is a real turn off.

category12 · 14/09/2024 14:08

ThirtySomethingDad · 14/09/2024 13:55

I think we make as much time for each other as our situation allows. We don't have a big support network around us. I'm able to compress my hours in a way that means I get a Friday off every fortnight though so we have a day for us. I come home with flowers every couple of weeks etc.

Show quote history

This doesn't really answer the stuff about your emotional connection day to day, or how your relationship feels, though.

50andhopeless · 14/09/2024 14:08

Your description is too good to be true. Maybe ask her if she agrees that you are all you think you are.

Original poster
ThirtySomethingDad · 14/09/2024 14:09

Tomorrowisyesterday · 14/09/2024 13:53

It wouldn't occur to me that dh going to the gym so often was something "for me". So that would be more likely to annoy me than anything! Can you talk about it again, with as little pressure as possible. Do you go out together or do anything fun that makes her laugh and not be thinking about the kids all the time.
we've had barren periods in our marriage, young kids being a big part of it, but in our 50s now once a week would be our norm.

I use my lunch hour for the gym, while the kids are at school, so she's not being left to deal with them or household chores.

I think we do as much together as our situation allows. Certainly enough that I'm still willing to work it out rather the go looking elsewhere like other might

OP posts:
Honest00lad · 14/09/2024 14:09

ThirtySomethingDad · 14/09/2024 14:09

I use my lunch hour for the gym, while the kids are at school, so she's not being left to deal with them or household chores.

I think we do as much together as our situation allows. Certainly enough that I'm still willing to work it out rather the go looking elsewhere like other might

Show quote history

Yes don't go elsewhere, it's not worth it

Original poster
ThirtySomethingDad · 14/09/2024 14:13

Sugarcoldturkey · 14/09/2024 13:50

Does it matter if it's normal? The main thing is you don't sound happy. Have you sat down with your wife from that angle? "I'm not happy, I would like for us to make some changes in our lives". Focusing only on numbers isn't helpful imo.

If my partner told me they weren't happy then I'd try to explore that with them and find some way through where we both get what we want. Is it that you'd like more physical affection generally? Do you kiss and cuddle? Do you talk to each other as partners and not just as co-parents?

I'm assuming you want her to want you, not just to have more sex to keep you happy. Be sure to keep that clear as your end goal and not just having sex X times per week.

Edited

Seems to be one of those things that changes for a few weeks or months, but inevitably slides back again. I'm not naturally an affectionate person if I'm honest. But because I know that, and I know how important that is for her, I make a conscious effort to do more than comes naturally

OP posts:
ProfessorInkling · 14/09/2024 14:14

Do you spend much time together, do you talk? About each others lives, news/politics, books, films whatever - do you share things with each other? Do you laugh together, and is there affection day to day, stroking, cuddling.

If any of that is lacking, maybe start there.

Can you get a regular babysitter and go out together? Family life is lovely and fulfilling in so many ways but it's not the be-all and end-all. Socalise separately too, work on your own lives apart from each other if that needs it too.

GiddyRobin · 14/09/2024 15:57

I mean, what do you actually do when you spend time together? Beyond adult tasks of household chores and buying a bunch of flowers every few weeks?

My DH and I have been together for 10 years. Two kids. We have sex every day really, both high sex drives, but I know I wouldn't want to as frequently if I didn't feel connected to him. We're best friends. We spend our evenings talking, still message each other silly flirty things during the day, cook nice meals together. He's very affectionate and romantic, but not just in a "bunch of flowers, there's yer lot" way.

The way you're explaining things sounds really quite...empty?

"I think we do as much together as our situation allows. Certainly enough that I'm still willing to work it out rather the go looking elsewhere like other might."

This tells us nothing really. Certainly can't imagine my DH writing something like this.

TheShellBeach · 14/09/2024 16:11

Do you use any sex toys?
Some women find that their husbands aren't very good at foreplay, and without that, we don't enjoy sex.

Could you suggest getting a vibrator? Ask her if you can use it on her. You might be surprised at her response.

Do you ensure that she reaches orgasm before you penetrate her? That's also important to a lot of women.

Unless you sit down and talk to her about it, your sex life is not going to improve.

GiddyRobin · 14/09/2024 16:14

TheShellBeach · 14/09/2024 16:11

Do you use any sex toys?
Some women find that their husbands aren't very good at foreplay, and without that, we don't enjoy sex.

Could you suggest getting a vibrator? Ask her if you can use it on her. You might be surprised at her response.

Do you ensure that she reaches orgasm before you penetrate her? That's also important to a lot of women.

Unless you sit down and talk to her about it, your sex life is not going to improve.

I was literally coming back here to say something similar. The women I know who tend to not bother as much with sex are the ones getting poor sexual experiences. I don't say that to be mean to OP, but it's true.

Is foreplay a proper part of sex in your exchanges, OP? And not just a quick fingering? Because nothing would make me dread sex more than a half arsed bit of foreplay. That's not to say there's no place for a passionate quickie, but it's got to be on the terms of both partners.

Disturbia81 · 14/09/2024 16:24

Do you make her feel like the most attractive person in your eyes? Like your eyes are only for her. One thing that gives me the ick and is one of the quickest ways to stop me getting naked is a man who shows attention to other women, sleazy, roaming eyes, porn addict, follows fb thirst traps and instagram models etc

PolePrince55 · 14/09/2024 16:25

I'm early 40's, been together 18 years, 2 kids, above 8
3/4 times a week

Tomorrowisyesterday · 14/09/2024 16:26

I think many women know their partners are keen to have sex, but they don't necessarily know that they are keen to have sex with them specifically, rather than just a general urge.

PolePrince55 · 14/09/2024 16:28

@Honest00lad
I don't agree with you, 18 years hubby and I are together & still fancy each other and are attracted to each other still plenty of sex - sounds like you've fallen out of love a bit there.

Desmondo2021 · 14/09/2024 16:35

Challenge yourself to not mention, ask, try it on or do anything that she might think is a prelude to sex. Just focus on kissing her neck when you pass her in the kitchen, suggest a movie night, rub her feet, hold her hand when you're out and about. See if she warms up. I feel I could be the wife here but I kind of employ the fake it until I make it scheme and invariably enjoy sex and find myself initiating it sometimes. But my husband is an absolute dream who never puts pressure on me at all. If I felt bedtime came with an expectation then he would be fucking right off!!!