How often is normal?

[ThirtySomethingDad]

Is my situation a normal one? How often do you think is "normal" to have sex?

Me and my partner are in our late 30s. We have 2 kids around 10 years old and have been together almost 15 years.

To me, our sex life seems almost nonexistent. It happens maybe once every 6 weeks. Now and again, it might happen 3 weeks apart. She kept telling me I was exaggerating, so rather than feel gaslit, I kept count for a year. The total was 13.

I work full time and have a successful career, so I take on the pressure of funding our entire lifestyle, from mortgage, to car to utility bills to holidays and weekend activities. We live quite comfortably and money is never in short supply.

I don't shirk my household duties. I do my share to get the kids ready in the mornings, do school runs, I'm the cook of the house, I clean the kitchen as I go, do the dishes, do most of the ironing. I also make sure my partner gets a lie in every Saturday - she gets up with the kids on a Sunday.

I also spend at least an hour a day, 6 days a week, at the gym to stay healthy for my family and in good shape for my partner.

Is there something I'm missing? Am I not doing something I should be? Am I expecting more than I should with our sex life?

I'm the man in the relationship. I mentioned those things to show that I'm not some 1950s house husband that expects her to be my mother and my partner at the same time.

@ThirtySomethingDad ah, sorry. I should have guessed by username. My advice still stands though.

I really don't think the experience is the problem, unless she's lying to me. She tells me that before me, she was never able to climax from penetration. Foreplay for me is the best part and I've always got more enjoyment from giving than getting. She says that she always enjoys it when it happens, but for whatever reason she just doesn't have the drive to do it often.

You can only go off what she says with that, then. I'd still consider bringing up toys, when she's already in the mood and definitely without pressure.

In this case, I'd say looking at other aspects of your relationship is key. Discussing it with her, too. Have you ever sat and had a proper conversation about it?

Fairplay. But I bet it's nowhere near as exciting as it was though? It does become predictable. Because you know the other person inside out.

I'm still very much in love and she is beautiful.

I think you just need to accept it for what it is OP. Yeah you could leave and get a quick fix, but you would regret it. Stick with her, not worth losing a good relationship for.

Yeah when we have time to ourselves we mostly go out for meals. I like to look around for new places that do her favourite kinds of food - she's a big foodie and the atmosphere is a big thing for her, so I like to find quirky places that interest her. I'm big into cooking so if we don't feel like going out I like to knock something up while she's taking bath, get a good bottle of red in, set the fire, candles on the table etc....

Suppose it's easier to sound empty when you're typing out a few words, but I do put genuine thought into things like flowers (which was just an example, not the sun total of my effort) - I listen to what she does and doesn't like, I don't just grab the first thing I see and think of it as 'theres yer lot'.

Guess a big part of it comes down to how high your drive is naturally...

Not 18 years but 10 years, and I can honestly say I want my husband more with every year that passes. And vice versa. Man worships the ground I walk on and I feel like a teenage girl with a crush when I see him. It's absolutely exciting.

Ok you been with him for 10 years but it's still incredible that you feel the way you do. You are very fortunate, it is exceptional. Enjoy

Thanks. The post definitely wasn't about me thinking about leaving. I was just genuinely curious about how standard my situation is. Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers about this stuff than it is to feel like you're being judged by people who know you

I get it. Maybe it's worth looking at some new things, too. Hobbies you can do together, making sure the time you're spending together is as close as it can be. Cuddling, handholding, kissing without it leading anywhere. Massages, that sort of thing. Keeping talking is the most important thing.

Disagree with your last bit. It's not just down to her sex drive. She might have a high drive but be bored of you. But that's not a reflection of you, just the long time you been together.

Thanks for all the replies to this. Never posted before and don't usually talk about things like this to anyone.

Appreciate the comments

It's not just being fortunate, it's about both of us working together to make sure we're happy. We're a team.

Your posts are all really hellbent on this idea that people just get bored with each other the longer they're together. It may be so sometimes, but that really isn't the norm for everyone.

I don't want to derail OP's thread, because he seems like a genuine guy asking for help and I really wish him and his partner the best. I'll leave this as my last comment to you.

You have the honeymoon period after 10 years. It's exceptional and you should be pleased. If you want to believe it's normal, then that is fair enough. But I don't think it is.

I'm trying to be realistic with the OP. That he may need to accept it as it is, but that's not the end of the world. People have made suggestions, they may work, they may not. Overall though it seems like a good relationship, not to be thrown away for new excitement.

OP, your attitude toward your relationship seems rather transactional. As in:
"I do x, y and z in the house and a, b and c for her. I want to have more sex, but despite my efforts, she's not interested."

There does not seem to be an emotional connection between the two of you anymore. That would put off a lot of women. Personally, I would not want my body to be bought or rented for with favors, I want to like the person I have sex with. In your case, I probably would have walked a long time ago if I were her.

It ebbs and flows when you have young kids but you need to be able to talk about it and be able to be open about your needs - this is actually more important than 'how often' it happens - as open communication is what keeps your marriage together over the years not sex - sex is wonderful but it is not the glue

Woow sleeping with someone else would reignite it 🙄 some of yall should just stay single

Have you considered relationship counselling? We're fairly similar in age, length of relationship and kids. We hadn't done it in over a year...some other stuff, but that was dwindling and causing issues.

Counselling really helped us improve our communication. We agreed together to talk on a Sunday afternoon about how things were going sexually and what we may or may not be up for in the coming week. Not for everyone, but it's helped us talk about it in a neutral time and space. Our relationship keeps getting better.

We got 6 sessions free with Relate as one of us works in the banking/finance sector (there's a charity that funds it), otherwise the fees depends on your incomes.

You’re doing too much! This is your problem.

What needs to happen between you two is initiate desire and attraction so that you can regain a healthy sexual relationship. You’re both caught up in your roles of parenting and maintaining your roles as the two figureheads of the family. Now and again you need to break out of those straight jackets and find some passion

Yeah of course it would. Sex with new people can be very exciting. But as I indicated in my posts, it would be the wrong thing to do and i don't want to do it.

I think that’s really common, to be honest. A lot of women have “reactive” sexuality — so they like it when it’s happening but they don’t really think about it when it isn’t, and the idea is a bit tiring until they get into it.

I think communication is key here.

You seem really lovely in regards to being a good husband and father.

Maybe try and speak with her about it.

Sometimes women can go off it for all different reasons, stress, depression, not feeling ok within themselves and sometimes age.

When I was with my husband for over 8 years we had sex 2-3 times a week. Lot of the times it was spontaneous and quick because we had children and they was young at the time.

Have you tried other things in the bedroom to spice it up? Maybe get a baby sitter once a month as you don't have a big support network and go out for dinner, relax with each other. Couples need together time too.

OP, I agree with some PPs that your descriptions of your relationship sound transactional. I do A,B,C, therefore I am entitled to X, Y, Z and my wife should consider herself lucky I’m not cheating. This and the focus on what’s ‘normal’ all sounds quite cold and clinical.

If, as you say, you have to force yourself against your grain to show affection, she will be able to feel this, and know you are not actually feeling affectionate towards her. That is soul-killing, over time, and desperately unsexy.

Are there other things you’d like from your marriage apart from more frequent sex? It doesn’t sound like you are very close.