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Original poster

How often is normal?

66 replies

ThirtySomethingDad · 14/09/2024 13:29

Is my situation a normal one? How often do you think is "normal" to have sex?

Me and my partner are in our late 30s. We have 2 kids around 10 years old and have been together almost 15 years.

To me, our sex life seems almost nonexistent. It happens maybe once every 6 weeks. Now and again, it might happen 3 weeks apart. She kept telling me I was exaggerating, so rather than feel gaslit, I kept count for a year. The total was 13.

I work full time and have a successful career, so I take on the pressure of funding our entire lifestyle, from mortgage, to car to utility bills to holidays and weekend activities. We live quite comfortably and money is never in short supply.

I don't shirk my household duties. I do my share to get the kids ready in the mornings, do school runs, I'm the cook of the house, I clean the kitchen as I go, do the dishes, do most of the ironing. I also make sure my partner gets a lie in every Saturday - she gets up with the kids on a Sunday.

I also spend at least an hour a day, 6 days a week, at the gym to stay healthy for my family and in good shape for my partner.

Is there something I'm missing? Am I not doing something I should be? Am I expecting more than I should with our sex life?

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 14/09/2024 21:26

I note she's your partner, why have you never married? Perhaps there's a vibe of you going through the motions of life without committing entirely? She's never had a romantic proposal, or a honeymoon.
Perhaps take a weekend away without DC's if you can. Meals can get dull if it's the only thing done outside the house. How about the theatre, gigs/ concerts etc. Mix it up a bit. She's on the young side for perimenopause ( in fact I think my libido peaked around your age).
Walking hand in hand, occasional hugs, little pecks here and there should be an aim. It helps to be demonstrative throughout life, if that's not you, fake it till you make it as these things are reciprocal.

Pixiewombat · 14/09/2024 21:29

The Diary of a CEO podcast had a really interesting podcast with an expert on this and it was illuminating. Worth having a look for it as it really helped my thinking about desire, frequency, etc.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 14/09/2024 21:29

I work full time and have a successful career, so I take on the pressure of funding our entire lifestyle, from mortgage, to car to utility bills to holidays and weekend activities. We live quite comfortably and money is never in short supply.

what does she do?

I don't shirk my household duties. I do my share to get the kids ready in the mornings, do school runs, I'm the cook of the house, I clean the kitchen as I go, do the dishes, do most of the ironing. I also make sure my partner gets a lie in every Saturday - she gets up with the kids on a Sunday.

what does she do?

Doesn’t sound like a very equal relationship when it’s put down like that.

Pixiewombat · 14/09/2024 21:31

Btw, funding lifestyle doesn't equal being loved and fancied. She might be bored witless.

DaringFawn · 14/09/2024 21:32

The fact you even think it. Means your girl deserves better 🙄 feel sorry for her hope u never make her feel less just because your bored

TheShellBeach · 14/09/2024 21:47

15 years together, two children, and not married?
Why is that?

Original poster
ThirtySomethingDad · 14/09/2024 23:30

Bunnyhair · 14/09/2024 21:25

OP, I agree with some PPs that your descriptions of your relationship sound transactional. I do A,B,C, therefore I am entitled to X, Y, Z and my wife should consider herself lucky I’m not cheating. This and the focus on what’s ‘normal’ all sounds quite cold and clinical.

If, as you say, you have to force yourself against your grain to show affection, she will be able to feel this, and know you are not actually feeling affectionate towards her. That is soul-killing, over time, and desperately unsexy.

Are there other things you’d like from your marriage apart from more frequent sex? It doesn’t sound like you are very close.

Didn't mean for it to come across cold. I wasn't trying to say she owes me anything because of what I do. I do what I do because I want to and because I want to set an example to my son.

I only mentioned those things because if I hadn't, most of the replies would likely have assumed I was lazy and made her feel more like my cleaner or my mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirtySomethingDad · 14/09/2024 23:35

FrostFlowers2025 · 14/09/2024 17:32

OP, your attitude toward your relationship seems rather transactional. As in:
"I do x, y and z in the house and a, b and c for her. I want to have more sex, but despite my efforts, she's not interested."

There does not seem to be an emotional connection between the two of you anymore. That would put off a lot of women. Personally, I would not want my body to be bought or rented for with favors, I want to like the person I have sex with. In your case, I probably would have walked a long time ago if I were her.

Edited

As someone that's come to the forum in good faith for some advice and a different perspective, your reply seems overly judgemental. But thanks for taking the time all the same

OP posts:
Original poster
ThirtySomethingDad · 14/09/2024 23:46

Pixiewombat · 14/09/2024 21:31

Btw, funding lifestyle doesn't equal being loved and fancied. She might be bored witless.

Poor choice of words on my part. My point was that I dedicate my life to taking care of my family. I'm not absent, I don't put what I want before their wants and needs. Just trying to clear some things up front so people didn't assume she was being distant because I wasn't pulling my weight etc.

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 14/09/2024 23:49

OK, a few things occur to me:

  • was sex ever better than this? Was it wild when you got together? Did you do different stuff to what you do now? (Less vanilla possibly? ). It always tends to diminish a little over time and get more samey to an extent (I've had 5 relationships of minimum two years living together). So if it wasn't great to start with, it's unlikely to get better, if you see what I mean.
  • does she have any libido at all, do you know? So does she want sex, just not with you? (I accept she may be unwilling to tell you). Does she masturbate?
  • is she on hormonal contraception? This can honestly destroy sex drive completely - it did for me and I normally love sex!
  • do you still love her? And does she still love you?

In terms of what is normal, not sure there is one - but I think it isn't at all uncommon to find a mismatch of libidos, with both men and women sometimes having lower/no libido.

I have spoken to a lot of female friends about it, and I do often think women are fairly polarised, and can either completely do without sex, or really love it - it seems rarer to find someone who likes it a moderate amount? This may be true for men too, I don't have so many male friends I've spoken to about it.

I love it and, when not on hormonal contraception, would feel something was missing in my relationship if it wasn't happening around once a week minimum (illness etc aside). I'm happier with every few days. I'd actually like nightly, but I think they may be pushing it......

But I would only want it if my partner did too. I do have female friends who consent to sex reluctantly because they feel they need to on order to keep the relationship going - I would HATE to feel someone was doing that with me. I would rather break up than that.....

Do you feel the same? Or would you be satisfied with sex even if she wasn't that into it but just did it to make you happy?

Bunnyhair · 15/09/2024 00:01

ThirtySomethingDad · 14/09/2024 23:30

Didn't mean for it to come across cold. I wasn't trying to say she owes me anything because of what I do. I do what I do because I want to and because I want to set an example to my son.

I only mentioned those things because if I hadn't, most of the replies would likely have assumed I was lazy and made her feel more like my cleaner or my mother.

Show quote history

Yes, I totally see why you started with that, as those are the usual issues people will ask about.

Do you feel emotionally close though? Do you feel eager to spend time with her, even if it doesn’t lead to sex? Do you have interesting chats about current events, or share a sense of humour? I think this is what I’m curious about, as the lack of a sense of emotional closeness with a partner can be a passion-killer for a lot of women, and when you’ve got young kids sex easily ends up feeling like just another tedious chore on your to-do list for another member of your household who needs things from your body without knowing much about who you are as a person.

And are the two of you able to communicate openly and easily about your relationship and your sex life?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 15/09/2024 00:11

PolePrince55 · 14/09/2024 16:25

I'm early 40's, been together 18 years, 2 kids, above 8
3/4 times a week

Sorry if this sounds nosey but how do you manage it with older kids. Our DD is 11 and during term time she is going to bed a bit earlier but in the holidays it’s around 10 so by that time I’m knackered!

niadainud · 15/09/2024 07:44

To me, our sex life seems almost nonexistent. It happens maybe once every 6 weeks. Now and again, it might happen 3 weeks apart. She kept telling me I was exaggerating, so rather than feel gaslit, I kept count for a year. The total was 13.

You say, "The total was 13" as if you've proved that you're being "gaslit", but 13 times a year is an average of every four weeks, not six.

Anyway, your approach of making a case for why you deserve sex clearly isn't working so I think you need to try to alter this. Does your wife feel properly "wooed", or just that there's an expectation of sex because you feel you've fulfilled your duties as a spouse and ticked them off on a chart?

Mooneywoo · 15/09/2024 07:47

Is there something I'm missing?

Shockingly maybe keeping track of sex is a turn off for your wife?

Hattiecash · 15/09/2024 08:20

As someone who has been a similar situation to you (but from the wife's perspective), I would say whilst it's not normal it can happen.
You're tired, you just can't face it, and then time goes by and all of a sudden you realise it's been ages and then you end up putting pressure on yourself. I was relieved when my DH stopped asking because I didn't want to reject him, but at the same time I couldn't face it. But the longer it goes the more pressure and guilt you feel. And believe me I'm sure she's thinking about this most days too.
How did we get it back on track? Numerous, non pressurising conversations (wine did help) where my DH told me he loved me, wanted me, and could we please have it some more and what would it take. It took a good few conversations over about six or seven months (maybe once a month) for us to figure out together what to do and we actually started sending the kids to my mums once a month just so we could have an evening where my head wasn't full of other people's needs and we could get a bit silly.
This isn't to say the fault was on him - like you he pulls his weight - but I think I needed to get back into practice in order to want it more again.
Long post sorry but hope it helps having something from the wife's perspective. Talk to her, as non pressured as you can. She's probably feeling it too if she's ready to admit it.

Skibidy · 15/09/2024 08:41

You actually sound a great partner tbh. I think your DWs sex drive is mis matched to yours.

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